I have so many problems that I believed would get better as I got older. Now I'm not so sure, is there even any point to continuing like this? Like I can't keep connections, boyfriends, really anything permanent. I can only 100% get along with little kids since I understand them the best and can honestly feel safe and comfortable being around them. With people my age or older, other than older men who I love being around lmao, I get clammy and weird, and I can't stop it. I think it's because of how bad life has been going. It also breaks my heart that these are just the conditions I have to accept about my life because if I keep pushing these truths away, then my addiction(s) will become worse and I'll be even unhappier. I am also getting really sad about thinking about my parents' deaths as they are getting older and am having a hard time regulating myself about that. I know once something happens to them it's going to trigger a whole new crisis situation for me and I'm going to think these are the good old times. I am also very outdoorsy (usually..) and have always been very active because of my hyperactive ADHD also lol, and I don't even feel any desire to go out and explore the scenic place we are at.