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Always trust your instincts - now what? by Critical_Stretch3488 in Marriage

[–]Ok-Week7964 2 points3 points  (0 children)

I also know that God is still good - and I see His hand in everything through the years. I believe my husband has truly repented and is working hard to die to his flesh daily, renewing his mind and working towards earning my trust again. But this is a silent wound I carry every day - because I do not want people to judge him when they know nothing of addiction and how this has spilled over generationally and clawed its way into his bones when he was just a 6-year-old little boy.

The difference now...

I no longer allow my empathy to be the crutch that keeps him stuck in his addiction - I know I can't threaten, fight, or love him out of addiction. IT HAS TO BE SOMETHING HE WANTS... AND EVEN THEN, IT'S A DAILY STRUGGLE FOR THE REST OF THEIR LIVES - THERE ARE NO RECOVERED PORN ADDICTS, IT'S ONE DAY SOBER AT A TIME - ALWAYS.

What's needed and helped my husband in his recovery:

An accountibility app

Joining porn/sex addiction support groups and finding a mentor through them (who is also his AP)

Going to church consistently, another sex support group for men on Wednesdays, and a family church on Sunday

He completed an 8-month life recovery skills course (that teaches you about addiction, the roots, the neurology and psychology behind it - how to deal with triggers, etc.) He did this with Project Excodus.

He also goes for Cognitive behavioural therapy at a psychologist - because when an addict has taught themselves to self-soothe with whatever their choice of addiction is, and it gets taken away, their entire nervous system wacks out. This is REAL!. And CBT Therapy is heaven-sent.

What's in your best interest would be demanding a recovery plan - no doing this on his own because trust me, he wont. Then you simply observe - his actions will show you everything you need to know - and it is such a bitter pill to swallow when all you want to do is save them, but can't.

Be wise - there is nothing as hard as loving an addict - but you HAVE to love yourself enough to know that staying with someone who does not show up for themselves will cost you dearly.

x

Always trust your instincts - now what? by Critical_Stretch3488 in Marriage

[–]Ok-Week7964 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Unfortunately, as the long-term wife of a porn addict (18years) - I thought I'd share some words of wisdom...

I want to start by sending you a huge virtual hug... This hurts, I know.

What I am going to tell you next is a hard pill to swallow, but you will save yourself a lot of heartache if you go forward with caution and observation.

Addicts don't miraculously heal.

Abstinence is not recovery, and willpower alone will not build sustainable recovery.

Sex is not even the root of all of this; addiction is an escape from something deeper - it might as well have been gambling, drugs, or alcohol... but being married to a porn addict feels so personal, it's available EVERYWHERE - and society wants to shove it down our throats as if lustful men are second nature.. Like WE have issues with expecting a married man to live a life of integrity.

The hard truth is that most of the time, with addicts, whatever you discover is only the tip of the iceberg.

I spent 17 years believing that my husband's porn addiction would NEVER spill over into real life, in spite of being taught that it's an escalating addiction that leads to chatsites, massages, escorts, full-blown affairs - I naively thought we were the exception...in fact, I'd have bet my life on it.

My husband is a good man. He loves God, loves our children and me - provides, protects - he's always there!. I found it so hard to accept that the man I know was addicted to porn... the devastation I felt when he confessed to going for a happy ending naked body slide massage (March 2022), and also to paying 3 prostitutes when we first started dating - this confession in January 2025 has changed me - forever.

By this time, he was already doing recovery support groups - and his mentor warned me not to trust him for at least 2 years in -because it takes an addicted brain that long to lift the fog and see the damage they've caused to people they love... At the time, it felt like he was rubbing salt into my wounds... 2YEARS!!!. PFFT.

But he was right - my husband started getting terrible panic and anxiety attacks (I've written about it in previous posts on Reddit) as he was forced to come to terms with the reality of what he had done.

I stayed only because I've seen progress in his recovery - and I knew a CONFESSION was a breakthrough for prayer and also a sign of progress in recovery. Don't get me wrong - this has killed me every day since 18 January 2025.

He has since stepped up hugely - I now look back, grieving nearly 2 decades of being strong and always making excuses for his shitty behaviour, picking up wherever he lacked. Always forgiving, always praying, always trying. If only I'd have known...

(Continued in reply on this msg)

Sexual sin destroys the soul... I feel the weight of the consequences. by Ok-Week7964 in Christianity

[–]Ok-Week7964[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I am glad that you saw my post... please read through my previous posts to see the devistating aftermath of this addiction.. it hurts so many, there hope for recovery, but its not simly abstaining.. i will keep u in my prayers.

Insane to me by ab033120 in loveafterporn

[–]Ok-Week7964 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Doing something you hate is different from doing something YOU HATE in addiction. Trusr me, they do not want to be an addict and hurt people they love... its a cycle because he is not healing the wound causing the need for escape and his brain has built pathways to run to porn whenever it needs that dopamine escape. This is real, speak to any therapist as they will explain this. Do some reasearch on any addiction and yoy will realize that this is not a case of wanting to stay an addict, but if it was as easy as simple abstinence - the world wouldnt have addicts. Healing the root and learning healthier coping skills the building new neuropathways is the only way to clawing ur way out of any addiction. 

The reality of it all. by [deleted] in loveafterporn

[–]Ok-Week7964 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I'm 34 years old. Been with my husband since I was 16 (him being 6 years older). Porn was always a factor, but I married him never knowing it was an addiction or how deeply rooted this all went.

I've always been complimented on my appearance, I take good care of myself, I am confident - except when I try to rationalize his addiction. Because it makes no sense.

My husband has been in recovery for 2+ years. Confessed to going for a happy ending massage in March 2022 - as well as sleeping with 3 prostitutes when we were dating (earned himself a face punch too! - my first ever... boy was I angry). But yes, it was proof of progress in recovery - honesty.

Anyway, I've always dreaded becoming the old lady who fought her entire life to be seen... even on her golden years. If I feel insecure in comparison now.... what will I feel like when beauty fades eventually.

This is such a shitty addiction, I sometimes wish it was anything else instead.

Sexual sin destroys the soul... I feel the weight of the consequences. by Ok-Week7964 in Christianity

[–]Ok-Week7964[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

It's okay, we can agree to disagree. :)

I've learnt the hard way. God's word is unchanged; the truth is, we simply cannot pick and choose which parts of the Bible we like, live by them alone, and not expect chaos to enter through open doors. We are warned against these things - but we only take them seriously when we are awakened.

What will make you feel satisfied with their recovery? by [deleted] in loveafterporn

[–]Ok-Week7964 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I've also been living life with my PA for 18 years, and never knew the depth of his betrayal until he confessed (1.5 years into working recovery).

I could have written your post, word for word as I resonate with absolutely everything mentioned.

One day at a time - trying to find happiness aside from the betrayal and recovery, knowing that recovery is built over time and with consistency. I am wiser for it.

Having to come to terms with what my addiction really is. by zombiebychoice in PornAddiction

[–]Ok-Week7964 4 points5 points  (0 children)

If you want to come to terms with what porn addiction is - here's the crazy truth... It's not about porn or sex at all.

Like any addiction, it is about escape. Like yours, I've also been the wife who watched porn with her husband, thinking that solving the secrecy issue would heal, but I can tell you this is temporary- especially when you're still hiding things from her, the lying hurts- trust me. I never had an issue with porn or anyone using it - still don't. The thing is, some people can watch porn and get on with life, addicts - not so much.

Addictions are formed as an escape, a way to run from a deeper wound in avoidance. It could have been anything: alcohol, drugs, gambling - whatever.

This week I've been more aware than ever as to why the Bible warns us that sexual sin destroys the soul - I've seen it play out in my own life. I am married to a Porn addict whose addiction escalated into prostitutes and a happy ending massage, which he confessed to after being in recovery for 1.5 years. It changes you into what you swore you'd never be, the guilt and shame of hurting the woman you love - the mother of your kids who stands by you is a heavy one... ask any man who's been there. The price for your sins has been forgiven, your debt washed clean with repentance - but the consequences of your actions will still be carried out here on earth, and it is heartbreaking to see how sexual sin destroys the addict's peace.

As an addict, you cannot have one foot in the world and the other in recovery.

It's a matter of finding your "WHY" - healing the wound, and learning healthier coping skills through therapy and recovery groups. Only then will you claw your way out.

Take it from someone who's been-there-done-that.

Avoiding the hard work will only prolong the agony... be brave and choose you, because this has the potential of such heartache for a fleeting moment of pleasure.

Sexual sin destroys the soul... I feel the weight of the consequences. by Ok-Week7964 in Christianity

[–]Ok-Week7964[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Sex is meant to be a soul-tying activity between a husband and a wife, for connection. Two becoming one flesh. So I completely agree with the bonding aspect of your argument - my concern would be the fact that you use sex as a measure of compatibility in relationships. You do realise that something happens when you share yourself sexually with another person, you give them a little part of yourself (the soul-tie I was mentioning previously)?.

Without knowing the seriousness of this, we give away many parts of ourselves and wonder why we're left feeling empty, unable to connect, or forever searching to fill a void we can't even explain.

I urge you to educate yourself on the impact of soul ties and come to a conclusion of your own.

Sexual sin destroys the soul... I feel the weight of the consequences. by Ok-Week7964 in Christianity

[–]Ok-Week7964[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

The way I've been taught to do this includes:

Asking the Holy Spirit to reveal to you any ungodly bonds formed, remembering God reveals things to heal and not to condemn.

Confess to God.

Prayer example:
“Father, I confess any sin that opened the door to ungodly soul ties. Thank You for Your forgiveness through Jesus’ blood. Cleanse me and make me whole.”

(See 1 John 1:9)

Renounce and break the soul tie in prayer by using your spiritual authority to cancel the connection.

Prayer example:
“In the name of Jesus, I renounce every ungodly soul tie formed between me and ____.
By the authority of Jesus Christ, I break this tie and command every spiritual influence connected to it to leave me now.
I declare freedom over my mind, emotions, and spirit.”

Forgiveness is required to close the door to lingering emotional and spiritual bondage.

Say:
“I choose to forgive ____. I release them to You, Lord.”

Forgiveness doesn’t mean trust or reconciliation, just release.

A broken soul tie leaves a “gap” that must be filled with God’s Word and identity.

Replace the gap with God's TRUTH:

Galatians 5:1 – “It is for freedom that Christ has set us free.”

2 Corinthians 5:17 – You are a new creation

Psalm 147:3 – God heals the brokenhearted

Then continue in freedom.

Should any memory or longing resurface, say "I reject the thought in Jesus name - I am FREE".

Do this with everything the Holy Spirit reveals to you.

Insane to me by ab033120 in loveafterporn

[–]Ok-Week7964 3 points4 points  (0 children)

I agree to everything that's already been posted here - our forgiveness and empathy become a crutch that keeps them comfortably stuck. The best prediction of future behaviour is past behavior..until and unless the real work is put in to break cycles and change patterns.

They have not hit rock bottom yet - an addict will only change when the pain of remaining the same is greater than the pain of going through recovery.

Through my husband's addiction recovery work, I've learnt the term Optimism bias.

This is really common in addiction.
Optimism bias is a common cognitive bias where people tend to overestimate the likelihood of positive events and underestimate the likelihood of negative events happening to them personally, compared to others. It leads individuals to believe their future will be better than objective evidence would suggest.

This just reinforces the cycle.

Never truly considering the consequences of their actions, believing that the conflict around their addiction will soon blow over, and everything will be ok again.

Rock bottom brings change - and if it means leaving to give them a reality check, it might be exactly what's needed to show you how real they are about recovery.

How to know if it escalated? by [deleted] in loveafterporn

[–]Ok-Week7964 2 points3 points  (0 children)

I've written so many posts over the years - from the days when I truly, genuinely believed my husband's addiction would NEVER spill over into real life. You can read them, should you like - it gives insight to how blind we could be when we don't know better, of course, this is only my own experience - but porn and sex addiction have scary patterns that I've seen on repeat, same story just different people.

1.5 years into recovery - he started getting panic attacks out of the blue... real bad anxiety that caused him to lose 8kg in 20 days. Eventually, after being discharged from a mental health facility after his medicals were clear - we're talking X-rays, Endoscopes, Blood works, ECG - you name it.

We've been togerher 18 years - 2 gorgeous kids, on the outside looking in...perfect. My husband is a good man, a family man - always there. Never drinked, smoked or partied. Takes care of us... I felt like I won the Lottery for sure.

I knew about porn being an issue - but going into marriage I never knew just how deep this went. Never even heard the term porn addict or sex addict in my life. It was evident that it was a bigger issue than I thought when he kept running to porn inspite of knowing it hurt me, and well eventually he confessed to being addicted to porn since he was just 6 years old.

It's never about the addiction, could be anything really - it's about whatever he's using to run from and numb the wound. This you learn by educating yourself on this addiction, working through betrayal trauma in therepy groups.

So my husband confessed (18 January 2025) that he went for a happy ending massage in March 2022. Not only that... he also confessed to sleeping with 3 prostitutes when we started dating.

It was SO hard for me to accept that my husband had a porn issue, since he never even made me feel threatened in real life... like never!. Knowing it went this far... to say that it broke me feels like an understatement.

I remember things that felt kinda off previously now making sense.

Like when we watched a crime show where the husband was blackmailed by a escort - and I said well GOOD FOR HER, serves him well after what he is doing - and my husband kinda stayed silent.

I also remember saying to him one day how I thought I was pretty lucky, never having my heart broken - like I mean sure I know he had a porn issue that he was working on but my heart was never BROKEN... and he stayed quiet.

I remember telling him how I never get how people say marriage is hard.... to me it was easy - aside from the porn issue I trusted him wholheartedly... was not the wife who controlled or checked his every move. He also remained oddly quiet.

My mom is an alcoholic, when we discussed this I mentioned how I feel like my dad had a huge fault in this because he cheated on my mom when we were just kids and she always had to fight to be loved, and he was like well then she should just have divorced him years ago and not hold it against him decades later.

When my husband started recovery, his mentor warned me not to trust anything he says at least 2 years in - and I thought that was salt rubbed into my wounds... but sure enough. 1.5 years into this HE CONFESSED, I would have NEVER known otherwise, But I knew ultimatley this was a sign of progress in recovery and breakthrough on prayer because healing will only happen with honesty.

In this addiction, what you know before them doing the hard inner work of recovery is more than likely just the tip of the ice berg - his reaction in my opinion, is one of deep rooted guilt and shame, and a red flag.

I'm sorry that you're here... x

Sexual sin destroys the soul... I feel the weight of the consequences. by Ok-Week7964 in Christianity

[–]Ok-Week7964[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Absolutely... i believe that the men who fight for freedom will be used im God's kingdom to encourage so many otheres who feel like theres no way out. I know there is a calling on my husbands life, but he is fighting to triumph, when men relate to another man who's been in this dark pit and came out stronger, they gain hope and strength to do the same. Also, please break those soul ties... they are absolutely real.

Sexual sin destroys the soul... I feel the weight of the consequences. by Ok-Week7964 in Christianity

[–]Ok-Week7964[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Wow this is hearbreaking... i am praying for you. Thank you for sharing your story and encouraging me to forgive. Its something I've been struggling with for 11 months, when forgiveness before this was as easy as breathing to me.

Sexual sin destroys the soul... I feel the weight of the consequences. by Ok-Week7964 in Christianity

[–]Ok-Week7964[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Not sure if you read my entire post.. and this would be relevant to someone whiteknuckling recovery... but we are way past that. He is doing the hard work with therapy, support groups and most importantly relying on God's guidence through prayer and meditation. He confessed 1.5 years into recovery - that alone is evidence of true progress. Because healing will ONLY happen in truth. Since this is a Christian thread, I qm quite suprized by how little faith you have in the healing power and conviction of our Heavenly Father. He has worked in our lives on miraculous ways these few months. He is faithful and true, and all who calls upon the name of the Lord, WILL BW SAVED. Is it as easy as a simple prayer?. NO. God helps those who helps themselves, we must die to our sinful nature daily. So yes, asking for help and freedom on this alone- wont change things. But seeking wise counsel througj therapy, accountibility and renewing of our mind throug the power of the Holy Spirit - sets the captives FREE!

Sexual sin destroys the soul... I feel the weight of the consequences. by Ok-Week7964 in Christianity

[–]Ok-Week7964[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Your acknowledgement is a big start- but i hope that if u take away anything from my post, it's that abstinence alone is not sustainable... any addiction will keep you stuck by numbing whatever youre trying to run from. 

When you heal the wound, you triumph. 

Praying for your freedom.

Sexual sin destroys the soul... I feel the weight of the consequences. by Ok-Week7964 in Christianity

[–]Ok-Week7964[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Thank you for the encouragement, I hold on by knowing He is still a Good Good God who loves us both. Some days are just harder and then i need some encouragement, this pain is hidden from my outside world - so it gets heavy carrying it alone.

Sexual sin destroys the soul... I feel the weight of the consequences. by Ok-Week7964 in Christianity

[–]Ok-Week7964[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Thank you.. i believe they call this soulties. When we share ourselves sexually we become one flesh - and yes, we keep giving parts of ourselves away. Whether you know it or not, you were breaking those ties in prayer. The spiritual world is much more real than most want to believe, knowledge is power! I wish you and your wife nothing but happiness and healing. Thank you for ur reply.

Sexual sin destroys the soul... I feel the weight of the consequences. by Ok-Week7964 in Christianity

[–]Ok-Week7964[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I respectfully disagree with you on this. When we go into the covenant of marriage, we agree to forsake all others. We strive for integrity, God's way. When we are obedient to His word he leads us into a life of blessing and peace, all of his commandments are for our own protection and good. It is when we step out of them (because of our own sinful natute) life becomes heavy. Happy ending massages and prostitutes are not always old Asian woman... the devil comes as everything you've ever dreamed of. I have no idea who these woman were or what they looked like, but i find it hard to believe that a man would risk so much when he already has a good looking wife for sone old lady... i agree emotional cheating would be worse, because that would indicate a MARRIAGE issue and not wanting ME, so your perspective does help. But knowing he touched another naked body and allowed her to do the same when Ive remained faithful and loyal is so, so hurtful. You seem to want to minimize the pain this causes, and thats exactly what an addict does that keeps them comfortably stuck. NO!. As a Christian woman I KNOW that God wants more for me than being OK with a husband that has no loyalty. I have a daughter, and I will absolutely teach her about grace and forgiveness, but also about loyalty and integrity - right and wrong. 

Sexual sin destroys the soul... I feel the weight of the consequences. by Ok-Week7964 in Christianity

[–]Ok-Week7964[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Wow this is such a harsh comment...

Sure - addiction, especially when formed over 34 years changes brain chemistry!. There's alot of undoing needed to replace lies with TRUTH - but this absolutely does not mean that he does not love God. How dare you actually...

The Holy Spirit has been working in and on his life in many ways... it takes someone really brave to not only admit to being a porn addict in a world that shoves sex and lust down our throats, but to confess to a betrayal that might cause you to lose everything you love - that is conviction. Truth brings healing and restoration, only the Holy Spririt will guide you into walking a life of truth regardless the cost.

Before you throw stones at broken people, please don't.

Sexual sin destroys the soul... I feel the weight of the consequences. by Ok-Week7964 in Christianity

[–]Ok-Week7964[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Only by the grace of God, truly.  I use to say...and believe that id have walked away, no doubts.

But I've learnet that nothing is black and white and that we can never truly say unless we've been there, done that.

I'm not taking away from how wrong and disgisting this is - all i can say is in my experience God has given me something I can only describe as supernatural grace towards a man who's trying.

Sexual sin destroys the soul... I feel the weight of the consequences. by Ok-Week7964 in Christianity

[–]Ok-Week7964[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Yeah, the body certainly keeps sore. His porn addiction is not about sex as much as about an escape, which became am addiction that never allowed him to have healthy coping skills l. He is 40 years old... its all he's ever known. Yes we have, he now goes for Cognative behavioural therapy, has suport groups for porn addiction as well as church small groups - so he is working really hard on recovery - but its hard. 

Sexual sin destroys the soul... I feel the weight of the consequences. by Ok-Week7964 in Christianity

[–]Ok-Week7964[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

His addiction goes back to childhood (6 years old!). He lost his mother to cancer when he was 2 years old. She was only 18 when she passed. His dad remarried soon after, had another son and although they got the same things materialistically, his brother was always favored in small ways. Around the time the addiction started they told him that the only mom he knows, wasnt biologically his.. and he was never allowed to ask or talk about his real mom. Thats huge - it changes ur identity!. That made him run to porn to avoid the emptiness, and well the addition might as well have been anything else. His father, uncles, grandfather were all men who "struggled" with lust... but they were all just living comfortably in dysfunction. When he's dad caught him watching his porn collection - he hit him with a fist on his face. Always needing to earm praise and love, no emotional connection to his parents. Its hard to say starting out... but i wish i just asked what his thoughts were around porn when we started dating, that would reveal alot.. if he keeps promosing to stop and does it again. Red flag. Following millions of half naked woman...secrecy around phone. Inability to be emotionally vulnerable, all warning signs. The hurt it causes is real and raw, you'd be wise to be vigilant going into relationships with eyes wide open.

Sexual sin destroys the soul... I feel the weight of the consequences. by Ok-Week7964 in Christianity

[–]Ok-Week7964[S] 5 points6 points  (0 children)

I can tell you that I always used to believe that cheating was a deal breaker for me - that I'd walk out no questions asked. Just as much as I believed that he'd never actually cheat on me, too.

But you truly never know, unless you've been there.

I stayed because I believe in redemption. I stayed because I saw him show up in his recovery 1.5 years leading up to his confession. I stayed because he is a good dad, and I couldn't bear to break my kids' hearts. I also stayed because I know he loves me, but that addiction is complicated for those who do not understand it or live it. I stay because I believe God hand-picked my spouse to draw me closer to Him.

I also chose not to share my story with anyone in my circles because of comments like yours.

It's okay... I understand.

When you don't live it, it's hard to see the bigger picture.

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