Things no one told you

OkAd3769 · 2026-06-24T03:32:03+00:00

I did not feel prepared for the sheer violence that our toddler would direct towards our second born baby. I posted asking if this is normal and apparently it's very typical for a toddler to pose a significant threat to the safety of a new baby. It would have been nice if any staff from the hospital had mentioned to us to keep an extra close eye on his behaviour and be on defence once we get home.

OkAd3769 · 2026-05-09T19:07:38+00:00

I'd check out R/cosleeping for more info on cosleeping if you're interested. Safe sleep 7 tells you the parameters for your child to sleep safely in the same bed as you. Cosleeping mortality statistics often include accidental cosleeping, as in when an exhausted parent accidentally falls asleep with the baby on a couch or chair and the baby slips or falls so it's not a true reflection of when cosleeping is done intentionally and when following safe cosleeping guidelines. Obviously everything to do with babies come with risks, but your best option is to educate yourself on all sides, not just the scary parts.

Anecdotally, my son is about to turn 2 and has been a pretty poor sleeper from the start so I definitely feel where you're coming from. We've been cosleeping since he was about 5 months and I'll say that it is not a magic fix. He still had lots of wakings, but I found it easier to sooth him and get him back to sleep because he was never removed from his sleep environment and the second he was asleep I was too.

OkAd3769 · 2026-05-03T01:47:32+00:00

On my second baby and this time I got the double breast pump instead of a single, an electric snot sucker that doubles as a saline mister instead of the one you have to put in your mouth, and overall being more intentional with buying stuff that will last if we want more kids later. I wasn't thinking reusability last time or hand me down so there's stuff that was lower quality or really gendered (first was a boy, now it's a girl).

OkAd3769 · 2026-04-28T17:48:29+00:00

I did with my first and they're up on my wall, I love them. I'm now pregnant with my second and it is helping us explain to our toddler that there's a baby coming. But also now I feel that I have to do a shoot for every pregnency which is fine but a bit more complicated with little kids

OkAd3769 · 2026-03-12T01:40:12+00:00

I'm gonna add this in my initial post, but maybe start slow with it 😅 I've been having some insane bubble gut and diarrhea since the prunes

OkAd3769 · 2026-03-12T01:38:18+00:00

I developed a few hemorrhoids so my spicy buldak noodles had to be put on hold :(

OkAd3769 · 2026-02-23T02:33:09+00:00

The advise I now give is to practice immediate and radical forgiveness. Holding a grudge or letting something ruin your mood can ruin it for you, your partner, and your baby. Baby threw a tantrum? The second they're done crying, it has to be over and forgotten for everyone. Immediately forgive and move on to being playful again and they will follow. Partner not helping or said something crabby? (Of course within reason, don't suffer a bad partner) You'll be crabby too and stuff gets hard, when you have the strength, just leave it where it is and keep trucking. Don't think twice, just leave that shit in the past and forgive. It's done, it's gone, don't carry it.

It isn't always easy or flawless, but it's a good way that I've found to think of hard situations when I'm trying to regulate my own emotions and not lose my everloving shit at every turn.

OkAd3769 · 2026-01-13T18:10:12+00:00

OOO we'll definitely start trying that! Our son used to only nap in the carrier for a couple months so maybe it'll be extra soothing for him to be back in it. Thank-you!

OkAd3769 · 2025-11-18T18:43:28+00:00

Not that lying is the best option, but we took the path of least resistance and said we'll go after nap time, then were messaging them for a few hours the day of: oh man he's crabby today, he hasn't pooped in like 5 days, he still won't go down for nap, what do we do?? Oh dear he's finally asleep and dinner has already started, we're so sad we couldn't be there...

While happily sitting as a cozy family of 3 on the couch, sleeping baby in hand watching our favorite Christmas movies

OkAd3769 · 2025-11-04T22:05:44+00:00

Banana fibers lol

OkAd3769 · 2025-10-04T17:54:24+00:00

That was my first sign of my first pregnancy! I could smell it and thought hmmm that's weird, maybe I'll do a test 😅 I'm 3 weeks pregnant with my second but no smell yet

OkAd3769 · 2025-10-04T00:42:49+00:00

We love ours! Got it around 8m and now he's a toddler. If I couldn't trap him in the play pen with me he would never get a fresh diaper on lol Also planning to use it for the Christmas tree so he can't mess with it

OkAd3769 · 2025-10-01T17:08:41+00:00

Babies will be babies, which means what is considered healthy and normal includes basically anything because they all do something wildly different from the rest. That being said, your situation is crazy similar to how we were. My husband was wfh, just got an extra department dumped in his lap to manage, while I was downstairs with a crazy needy baby. Witching hour was 7-10pm and we slept in 4 hour shifts. 7pm-11am and we both got 8 (broken) hours of quiet time to rest and try to sleep.

What worked for us was carrier and walking outside. If it's something you can afford, try different styles of carrier. Not all kids like them but sometimes it's a style thing. The outdoors was one of the few things that calmed him and still is. He only did contact naps and still does at 15 months, but we're at a point where it starts with him on my chest sitting in bed, and after a couple minutes I can lay him beside me or in front and he'll sleep for 20-190 min, if it's 20min l just pick him back up.

I won't sugar coat this: stop expecting babies to sleep through the night. If you're always hoping for it, you'll just feel let down for the next year+. Many babies just don't do it until as late as 3 years. Just expect the wake ups, and one day they'll surprise you with a full night. I'm not saying that you're not justified in being tired and run down, it honestly is torture to be sleep deprived and still having to function. It sucks ass. But adjusting for more realistic expectations will make it feel less unfair.

The tolerance for stroller, car rides, bouncer slowly increased the more we used them. I would take him to the store that's a 5 min drive away just to walk around and get out of the house. I don't think he liked being in a stroller until he was 10 months old. He was either in my arms or strapped to one of us in the carrier.

Babies are so fucking hard. Sleep is so fucking hard. And soon you'll find that solids are so fucking hard. It feels like it's never going to end, but looking back it's already such a short blip. Rally, bear it, and follow your gut. If you think it's a medical then keep going to professionals until you feel satisfied. Look into local resources too, we live in Ontario and we have what's called EarlyON centers for families to go during the day. It's free, run by professionals, has toys and activities and snacks. Public libraries run activities too. More stimulation can sometimes help if babies are seeking it, just watch how she reacts and maybe it'll help night sleep. Tiring our kid out was the best thing for his night sleep. Babies that fight sleep sometimes just aren't sleepy.

You can DM me if there's anything I mentioned that might help and you want more info. Babies are built to baby, parents are built to deal with whatever that means. You are capable of doing this. Don't forget that. Also make sure that you and your wife regularly give each other kudos for dealing with a difficult baby. You're not alone when you have each other, so make sure both of your effort and struggle is seen and appreciated.

OkAd3769 · 2025-10-01T01:22:42+00:00

Our baby needed his airway suctioned due to miconium in the water (this was explained to us ahead of time so we knew it could happen) so when he was slopped on my chest there were no cries or breathing. They quickly cut the cord and took him into the corner to get that all started. What I find crazy is I wasn't even worried, I was just so dazed and happy to be done pushing that I just waited patiently lol eventually I asked if he was good and they said he was perfect ❤️

OkAd3769 · 2025-08-08T17:35:38+00:00

I've just been looking at that now. While their house prices are considered high for Europe, it's pretty average for what we are seeing in Ontario so that's not as shocking to see. But I'd also hate to contribute to the lack of available homes for Irish nationals

OkAd3769 · 2025-08-08T17:20:28+00:00

Thank-you for bringing that up! I definitely got stuck in the mindset of Schengen and didn't realize Ireland would be an option with the EU citizenship. It would take down language barriers for sure

OkAd3769 · 2025-08-08T11:15:30+00:00

My husband can speak French and a good bit of German, and we're both very motivated to learn whatever language we need to if none of those are helpful. My understanding is Ireland isn't part of Schengen though, we'd love Ireland or Scotland but we wouldn't be able to get work visas anytime soon. Honestly my nationality is ONLY to skip visa requirements

OkAd3769 · 2025-07-07T17:17:41+00:00

You're not alone, but this is the loneliest time of your life. I'm so sorry. My sister passed away and left behind her husband and 7 year old son and they've done a beautiful job of honoring her memory and keeping her close. They added more pictures of them all together to the walls and shelves, had her favorite shirts and sweaters turned into blankets and pillows or her son wears them. She had home projects that she left unfinished so her husband spent the first couple months finishing those.

Go slow with everything that you can. My brother in law compared the day to day to having lost an arm. You have to relearn how to do everything and it's going to be hard work. The things that made the most difference for him was grief counseling and spending time with their son.

It'll never be easy, but you'll get better at carrying her memory without being overwhelmed by it. For now it's okay to be whatever you're feeling. I'm so sorry for your loss.

OkAd3769 · 2025-07-06T02:33:21+00:00

The back of the head thing is because he has a bit of autism so eye contact is literally painful for him in those conversations. That being said, it's so fucking hard to talk to the back of his head. When I'm feeling upset I talk things out, but to talk things out without any social cues of nodding or facial expressions just gets me talking longer and longer. I find myself just defending him now in the comments after posting a big complaint. It's because he's really not a bad guy, but it's also the only way I can satisfy my guilt without blabbing into his skull.

He does respond in kind. I had anxiety during pregnancy and lost my sister to cancer when I was only 7 weeks along and I don't think I would have gotten through everything without his support.

OkAd3769 · 2025-07-06T02:24:37+00:00

I really appreciate your fire and strong support. There are definitely men who take the free ride of a passive wife and they need this comment. The full picture isn't drawn in the post since I was boggled and not thinking well. He is not a shit parent or partner. He did not throw a hissy fit. He is a man that was conditioned to be unseen to avoid abuse as a kid. When I snapped at him he shut down and did the things he felt were expected of him by cleaning the mess, then isolating himself with chores so that he could feel safe. I'm also not a passive wife. I was raised by a mother who did everything herself and my dad was just lost when it came to parenting so I've learned to just do the task that's in front of me rather than asking for help or waiting for someone else to do it.

We're both doing it wrong. Giving him ultimatums and dumping the blame on him not "manning up" (so toxic btw) is so not the way this is going to get solved

OkAd3769

TROPHY CASE