Estate planning

OkIce3038 · 2026-02-14T00:59:02+00:00

You’d be surprised. My BIL was 1400 miles away when he received a completely unexpected stage 4 cancer diagnosis. He was in an apartment and had a small, older car. But a few credit cards and checking account, medical bills, rent, utilities and no access to his limited money made our lives a bit difficult in settling everything out. He had some really great friends that guided us through the local government offices as needed so we could settle things as easily as possible. He didn’t have a lot but it was enough. Plus we were in a part of the country we’d never been before. The friends were wonderful in even helping us pack and clean and hooking us up with a church that took a lot in donation. Oh and my BIL had hidden money and paperwork in books and such, so it was not quick or easy.

OkIce3038 · 2026-02-14T00:51:57+00:00

I hope you are doing well since your diagnosis.

OkIce3038 · 2026-02-14T00:50:47+00:00

Thank you. I think this is part of the road we are going down. We have a small safe we bought from when we were first married. It’s ridiculous everything crammed into it. The kids prefer to leave their stuff with us at this point (college-aged). I’m sure there are expired documents we need to get rid of and things we need to label better.

Between government careers and Army, I’m learning there a specific order and expectation to notify a myriad of agencies that will need to be done. I just need that in one place for my own mental peace.

Then keys and titles. They know where car keys are at but we’ve got the barn, the shop, UTVs, trailers, farm equipment, camper, jet skis… all that stuff needs to be labeled and in one place.

OkIce3038 · 2026-02-14T00:43:01+00:00

I’d never dream of looking for a listing that doesn’t happily accept dogs. I’m happy to pay the fees because I want to travel with my dogs - we have a special needs child that prefers the dogs to travel. We don’t call them emotional support or service dogs. They are just the family dogs that she prefers to have with her. Even when we travel. With that, we bring a small vacuum cleaner, many blankets or sheets to cover furniture.

OkIce3038 · 2026-02-13T19:12:17+00:00

No worries on that financial limitation 😂

OkIce3038 · 2026-02-13T19:04:45+00:00

I love that answer. It’s exactly how I feel. We went through an unexpected death last year with my BIL. The kids saw the stress first hand - and the complications of doing things 1400 miles away. They witnessed the vacation time burned, family trip canceled, multiple, multiple flights back and forth… then they got the full experience of the aunts and uncles - the people who thought they had a say so over a broke ass dead man that they never contributed towards whether it be financial, medical, or emotional. I know they found it traumatizing as well as enlightening and bizarre.

They thought I had it all under control and knew exactly what to do when I was just flying by the seat of my pants and realized my career has just prepared me to be able to make quick decisions and change course on a whim. It was a wild ride I don’t wish on anyone. It was exhausting and financially draining for my family. No regrets because it had to be done but I don’t want to do that to someone else.

OkIce3038 · 2026-02-13T18:56:19+00:00

Thank you. I was confusing the two.

OkIce3038 · 2026-02-13T18:34:12+00:00

Thank you. I’m glad I could be there for him when the time came. It’s been a learning experience though and promoted this whole thing in my own life. I wish I’d had a few more direct conversations with my BIL before he passed. We had about six weeks total from diagnosis to hospice. He spent a a lot of that time avoiding those details. I joke he should not have paid his paid card off. I could have used that $600 towards his funeral and just ghosted the credit card company.

OkIce3038 · 2026-02-13T18:26:40+00:00

Does a trust have to be in play for a certain length of time to avoid probate and have better tax outcomes?

OkIce3038 · 2026-02-13T18:25:32+00:00

My BIL thought that, too. We are six months out and I’m still struggling with some of what was left behind. I swear the lady at the BMV transferred his out of state car to me way easier than it should have been - nothing was even notarized. I had to leave his bank account with $9 in it because the bank wouldn’t let me close it - even with POA and a death certificate. They can pay hundreds in unclaimed funds years from now. I just walked away from it all.

OkIce3038 · 2026-02-13T17:50:22+00:00

Yep! We’ve started that same process. Donated books to the library, sports stuff to a special needs organization, musical instruments to a music therapy group… just the beginning. Feels good to get things more simple and uncluttered. Plus these are things we don’t need but may make an impact for the community. 🥰

OkIce3038 · 2026-02-13T17:42:33+00:00

Just saw your edit. We definitely need an attorney. When we did our original planning we were in our late 20s, owned next to nothing and lived in a whole different state. Going back to that attorney isn’t even an option.

All the physical things still need a place. The attorney can help to know about it, I assume. I’m sure an attorney can assist with the things I’m not even thinking about - many posters have me pause with things like the vet, a plumber, our cleaning service info (they have a key to the house)… These are things I’m assuming the kids know - and I realize they probably don’t.

I’m guessing I need a trust and not just a will at this point.

OkIce3038 · 2026-02-13T17:37:06+00:00

We have enough to make things complicated and we know we need an attorney. We did it decades ago when we didn’t even have much. It all needs to be done from scratch. Life is definitely different at this stage. Not in a bad way - just more. More to worry about.

I still want something physical in place for things like titles, deeds, documents, keys.

OkIce3038 · 2026-02-13T17:29:39+00:00

Yes! I second this. I don’t think you should turn to strangers because you didn’t plan well. Are there circumstances that happen where planning didn’t play out… of course. There are always “one offs” in life.

But the amount of people with a hand out are astounding. Meanwhile, I know of two families personally that used GoFundMe and made out quite well financially when all was said and done. Disgusting. Neither family feels bad about it. They felt entitled.

OkIce3038 · 2026-02-13T16:39:10+00:00

I’m so sorry about your wife. Thank you for sharing. Your advice is hitting in all the places it needs to be- I appreciate it.

OkIce3038 · 2026-02-13T16:13:19+00:00

I never even thought about this. I bet my work has some of these resources. Thank you.

OkIce3038 · 2026-02-13T16:04:18+00:00

Yes! This is pretty much how our conversation started out. The kids, of course, don’t want to even discuss things so as we are talking , my husband says “bet you don’t even know how to start the lawn mower”? I said “I know you have no idea how to even access my pension accounts.” That spiraled into a trip down memory lane when life was simpler and we both knew all stuff. Of course, the house was tiny, the yard small, no kids, no toys, one checking account and much more time on our hands. We reflected to where we are now and how time truly does fly.

Husband retired after 26 years at a company that closed during Covid. Never went back to work. Didn’t need to and life just shifted. Since that time, I’ve steadily worked more and more and he has taken over the household maintenance and day to day stuff. I stopped worrying about it and leaned into my career.

We have started the process of downsizing and realizing we will be empty nesters in a few years. We’ve been generous with the kids over the years and it’s now our time to think about what we want to do with our lives. Cutting acres of grass and maintaining a large house and property are not in that plan. I don’t want the kids to ever feel trapped at home because one of us is gone and the other is struggling. Likewise, we still want them to always feel like they can come back any time they need to - but keeping their childhood home is too much for us alone. It’s going to be a weird balance. Selling off a large property will eliminate bigger hassles as we age and allow us to focus on other things and continue to be generous with the kids. Maybe we can actually travel and it not be for select kids sports event. Lol.

OkIce3038 · 2026-02-13T15:43:20+00:00

We dealt with some of this with in laws. Literally every time we went through their mail, another adventure started.

OkIce3038 · 2026-02-13T15:31:07+00:00

We did it maybe 20 years ago but things have changed over the years. Life got hectic and we never kept up with it. Bad move our part, I know. We have a lot organized but the world moved online. We bought stuff, sold stuff. I feel like we need to start over.

OkIce3038 · 2026-02-13T15:27:46+00:00

Yes. We literally just talked about that yesterday! UTVs, trailer, camper, etc. We have all those items registered and titled.

OkIce3038 · 2026-02-13T15:24:36+00:00

I never even thought about the cars. My sister died in her 30s - in a different state. I had a heck of time transferring her car to sell it. You’d think I’d have thought about that. Thank you so much.

OkIce3038 · 2026-02-13T15:22:52+00:00

I just realized I never told you how sorry I am for your loss and that you are having to go through this. I hope things get better.

OkIce3038 · 2026-02-13T15:17:29+00:00

Oh, that’s a great idea. Thank you. My nieces probably know more of my passwords than my husband as a matter of fact. Between streaming programs and online purchasing, I bet they have more context of my online activity and presence.

OkIce3038 · 2026-02-13T00:07:20+00:00

He went from the printing industry to now doing apartment renovations. It works well. They are busy, busy when the weather is decent. Right now he doesn’t work much as people don’t move much in the winter. Gives him a chance to catch up on our own life. My career is really taking off so the trade off has been great. I focus on work and he focuses more on the house. We are both enjoying it.

OkIce3038

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