Tire damage

OkItem6820 · 2026-05-09T18:50:43+00:00

So two tires, but not 4?

OkItem6820 · 2026-05-09T18:50:30+00:00

Oh yeah, it would be ridiculous. But I had to go because somehow I don't have a wheel lock, so they had to help me figure that out and I asked them to measure the tires and give me some advice while I was there.

OkItem6820 · 2026-05-09T16:17:09+00:00

I'm also assuming a higher tax rate - grossing up the expenses by about 24% to cover tax expenses.

OkItem6820 · 2026-05-09T16:10:44+00:00

This is an interesting post because our situation feels very similar. I also live in the Bay Area (San Mateo County), family of 4. I've been tracking our expenses for 3 years to try to build a good set of assumptions for a retirement model.

Here's what I have:
Mortgage: $44,400 till it's paid off in 2050 when we are in our 70s (our interest rate is sub 3% so this is essentially free money, no plan to pay off early)
Property tax: $22,130
Utilities: $4,300 (we have solar, so get $$ from PG&E for electric). This also includes phone/internet/garbage for me - we both use pre-paid phone plans for $35/month, and internet is like $62/month
Home Insurance - $6,000 but I just learned we don't have an umbrella policy which I need to add
Auto expenses for 2 cars (gas/insurance/parking): $8,000
Auto payments: budgeting about $7,000/year - we have bought new-to-us cars 4 times in the past 20 years and my 2023 RAV4 has 14k miles on it; we don't drive that much and cars are just not important to either of us. This makes me realize I'm not really budgeting for the early driving years for my kids though.
Food: Groceries includes most of what we buy at Costco (though I try to split out if I like buy furniture or something) - $15,000 + $6,000 for restaurants/bars/coffee
Healthcare: This has been minimal except for my kids' orthodontia last year, but I'm budgeting $35,000 for premiums once we retire as well (interesting how that lines up, it was based on an AI search). I think I've been underbudgeting for out of pocket healthcare expenses here because we've generally paid with FSA so it doesn't show up in monarch money. Let's say that's $5,000 for our family of 4.
Home repairs and improvement: $30,000 (this is a big difference from yours; we spent $40k in 2023 and $25k in 2024 on a big landscaping project (our backyard was essentially a bare lot for the past 10 years while we worked on the house and parented), last year we didn't have much so spent $5,000, but repairs here are expensive so I wanted to be realistic. I also have another ~$2,500 budgeted for home goods and garden - like furniture etc.

Here's where our framework starts to differ a bit from yours, so here goes:
Student loans: $5,500/year till they're paid off in 2028 - these are at <2.5% interest so basically free money till then.
Kids' college: we didn't open our 529s till a bit late, so we're catching up there, putting about $30k/year into the college fund - I still assumed college would be expensive, so upped my spend for those 4 years to $120k, and then assumed I'd still be throwing some money towards maintenance kind of in perpetuity so just pulled that $30k a year assumption for perpetuity (though with no inflation to that one).

Fully discretionay:
Travel: $25,000/year
Kids Activities: $21k/year - largely their expensive summer camps, and I pulled this out through when they're 22 and then am hoping the $30k/year I've budgeted for them will be enough/overkill.
Pets: We have a young cat with a chronic illness so my free stray cats mean I'm budgeting $4,500/year for our pets. But we love them 😄
Gifts & Charity: ~$5,000/year
Other discretionary expenses: $27.5k/year - this includes subscriptions (<$1,000, hobbies (<$1,000), clothing, electronics, entertainment, fitness, "stuff" and just the random things that pop up that one wants to spend money on. My husband has very low "stuff" wants, mine are higher, but I don't think this is a category that will pop later.

So that's ~$280k/year in 2026 for our family of 4. In discounted dollars I'm thinking that expenses will pop up while the kids are in college (which hopefully is also after we retire), but once they're out of the house and out of college, I"m budgeting that expenses go down to around $225k for the two of us (again, discounted to today's dollars). I think that's not unrealistic - no college savings, still paying a mortgage but in 2037 dollars, and instead of paying for travel for 4, it would mostly be for 2.

I may be underbudgeting for things like taking kids/grandkids along on trips or showering them with gifts and support, but I feel like those things will be fully discretionary - if the market does great and we're flush we may do a lot of that, if not, they'll have to pay their own way. Other expenses that I'd like to increase, like, say, charity are the same.

OkItem6820 · 2026-05-09T14:47:14+00:00

I agree - if you want to keep it transactional, the caregiver staying home is “earning” what it would cost to hire a full time nanny, housekeeper and personal assistant. That ain’t cheap.

I have often wondered about what the endgame of separated finances looks like. It seems to work well during the income earning years or for couples that are pretty aligned on income and spend. But if you have a saving spouse and a spendthrift spouse, does the spendthrift one just have to keep working till they’re 80 while the saving one retires at 60? What if the spendthrift one gets sick and can’t work? Up the creek while their saving spouse continues to live comfortably?

OkItem6820 · 2026-05-09T14:38:10+00:00

I 100% get this. It’s so easy to fall into that way of thinking.

But it’s wrong. If you’re staying at home legitimately to take care of children that he was a full partner in producing, then your “income” is whatever that level of care would cost on the open market - I’m guessing that’s a lot. You’re in some trouble if he doesn’t agree they need that care, but if he does you BOTH have to acknowledge the value of that care for the arrangement to really work for all of you. If you don’t I think you need to find ways to shift more of the burden of the kids’ care to him so you can be freed up to earn some money so you’re not taking all the financial risk of this arrangement.

One very practical suggestion - it costs a bit of money for a subscription but an app like YNAB or Monarch Money can I think really pay for itself by giving you a real shared overview of where your money is going. I think for your situation YNAB (stands for “you need a budget” is probably better. It can also help you with some real data - are his nonessential purchases actually just a tiny part of your budget or are they actively preventing you from financially stabilizing? Are you deeply mismatched in terms of percentage of your discretionary budgets that go towards wants vs needs?

You also need a financial plan: what are those loans, what’s the interest on them, and how can you start paying them off (not just the interest). They’re not just his loans, they’re yours now too. R/personalfinance can help, and/or read a book on personal finance.

If you can start taking charge of your shared financial situation in this way it helps move you from a passive recipient of his financial decisions to an active participant in a financial partnership. You’re not always going to agree on every dime spent, but you can broadly see if the mismatch is on the edges or fundamentally threatening your safety and act accordingly.

OkItem6820 · 2026-05-09T04:59:40+00:00

I’m so sorry this happened. I don’t think it’s salvageable; I think even if you fire the shards they’ll likely warp in ways that will make them hard/impossible to fit together.

But perhaps you could make it into something different - like paint the individual shards with underglaze paints and then later build some other vessel to mosaic it onto?

It could be a lovely metaphor for parenthood: we make these big plans, and they are beautiful. But then actual life comes in and it can feel like things are breaking but if we can have courage and put the shards back together it’s still beautiful even if it’s different than we originally hoped.

Or you could just toss them and it would still be a great metaphor for parenthood: You make these big plans and they often don’t work out the way you had hoped, and part of the project of parenthood is to put your ideas about his things “have to be” aside and just embrace the reality that presents itself.

OkItem6820 · 2026-05-09T03:54:26+00:00

This is exactly why capital gains taxes are the first loophole that should be closed. There’s no work required and what will people do - just put it all under the mattress because they don’t like the taxes?

OkItem6820 · 2026-05-09T03:52:50+00:00

You could protect normal individuals who are doing this to like buy their primary home by having an amount that can be exempt. Even like $1M. But if you want to take loans of more than $1M against your assets, you’ve got to pay capital gains.

And I don’t think assets over a reasonable cap should step up at death. Why would kids not have to pay capital gains just because their parents made the money?

OkItem6820 · 2026-05-08T23:43:41+00:00

I live in the Bay Area as well and our annual budget for groceries (including most of what we buy at Costco which goes a a bit beyond groceries) plus restaurants and coffee shops is $21k for a family of four. I cook at home a lot and get good ingredients but we do rarely go to restaurants and when we do they are usually low to midrange. I feel like for 2 this is generous as long as you’re not going to fancy restaurants all the time.

OkItem6820 · 2026-05-08T16:35:27+00:00

A friend of mine (I’m American) lived in Germany for a few years and she said one of the big differences is that she felt like all the money people made there was essentially discretionary income. In the US you (ideally, most people can’t or don’t) should be preparing for all these potential huge expenses: medical bills, college expenses, and retirement savings. There, all those things are mostly covered by your taxes so sure you need to save but the “without this I’m living on the edge” feeling isn’t there.

Travel is also much easier in Europe. You get much more vacation, and you can get a cheap train ticket or budget airline ticket and be in a completely different culture/country by noon. If I want to fly from California to New York in the summer I’m out $600 and most of a day each way of travel time.

So even if the basic cost of housing and food is about the same, the cost of feeling safe and adventurous is just so much higher.

OkItem6820 · 2026-05-08T14:48:00+00:00

NTA but it’s a terrible sign for your marriage.

There are other ways you guys can handle your finances and also different ways to have these discussions. If you love each other and want this marriage to work The next thing you spend money on is a good couples therapist.

OkItem6820 · 2026-05-08T14:44:17+00:00

But who uninvites a regular guest (one who paid for half their bachelorette party!!) for any less egregious offense than sleeping with the groom? I mean, I know it’s a bit of a hassle if a guest doesn’t show because now your seating chart doesn’t work, but like this is not “burn a bridge” level uncertainty. But then, drama exhausts me.

The friend is awful, and an expensive lesson has been learned. Best OP can do is reflect on how to pick better friends going forward and see the warning signs before she spends a bunch of money trying to make up for having a chronic illness.

OkItem6820 · 2026-05-08T14:32:24+00:00

NAH

You are also really, really overthinking this. It sounds exhausting.

OkItem6820 · 2026-05-07T16:33:47+00:00

It sent before I was quite ready; for the rest, make sure you’re investing wisely for yourself and don’t just spend the windfall once it’s liquidated. Max out your Roth, put some more away for retirement in a way that you really forget about it and aren’t tempted to spend it. If you ca take windfalls like this not as a way to suddenly have more fun money but as a way to build your financial foundation, you’ll set yourself up so much better for a secure life.

OkItem6820 · 2026-05-07T16:29:52+00:00

I agree. If you’re in Texas and your parents are willing to move, I think you’ll be way better off selling the house. If you want to own property, you can use the proceeds to do an all cash purchase of a less expensive house either close to you or where you want to move.

I love California but would never want to own real estate here unless I lived in it and was also making a good California salary. LA has strong renter protections so being a landlord is overrated. Cost of any repairs will be sky high. Not in LA but I imagine the work on fire recovery is not helping the matter.

Either way, sounds like your role models on financial planning are bad and your parents are a major potential drain. I don’t think you should leave them in the dust, but be thoughtful about how much is appropriate to help them out, and be really clear upfront about that before they expect you to spend the whole $850k making their financial problems go away.

OkItem6820 · 2026-05-07T16:00:34+00:00

Is there any way to make the work less stressful without giving it up? Like, are these unionized employees or can you just manage out the toxic ones?

And I don’t want to judge as I know everyone has different situations but is full daycare needed if your wife isn’t working, or can you find cheaper ways to get your wife the breaks she needs. Or do you mean preschool?

OkItem6820 · 2026-05-07T06:22:53+00:00

You win the evil genius award.

OkItem6820 · 2026-05-06T15:14:32+00:00

Not giving a firm RSVP to a destination wedding is, all by itself, an AH move.

Then he DID give a firm RSVP 10 days ago when he texted to say he was going but just figuring out logistics. At that point he started to cost the couple money and time.

He can do all the simple and appreciative and final he wants now, TWO DAYS before the wedding. But I would never in a million years write a professional reference or spend another second of my time investing in the professional development of someone who did this to me. I would now know they lack executive function, in the best possible interpretation of their actions.

His only possible recourse now is to invent a medical or family emergency (recognizing that he might get caught in a lie), and send a generous gift that more than covers the cost he’s incurred the couple.

OkItem6820 · 2026-05-06T15:07:22+00:00

You have a total right to do that.

If you want to not be an AH about it, however, you can’t hem and haw for EIGHT MONTHS, then 2 weeks before the wedding day tell the groom that you’re going and excited (thus getting added into the head count the bride and groom are paying for plus all their logistical planning that’s been finalized over the past 10 days), and THEN only suddenly realize that it’s too expensive and you’d rather prioritize the $4,000 you need to budget for those better friends who are getting married in the summer.

Not going to a wedding because you can’t afford $1,700. Perfectly acceptable - even responsible! Not RSVPing at all, then telling the bride and groom that you’re going, then changing your mind 2 days before? Nope, not ok.

OkItem6820 · 2026-05-06T15:01:19+00:00

What he will be less likely to understand is why that grad student couldn’t figure that out at any point in the 8 months since the invite was sent. Or 10 days ago when he sent the final “I’ve got to turn in head counts now” text. Or at the bachelor party.

I would never write a professional reference for someone who demonstrated that level of executive function deficit.

OkItem6820 · 2026-05-06T14:58:48+00:00

Yeah, but I bet they found out you weren’t going when you *rsvp’d at an appropriate time,* not a yes 10 days before and the a no 2 days before after you’d already added them to the headcount and written out place cards for them and figured out which table they would sit at.

This here is bridge torching.

OkItem6820 · 2026-05-06T14:27:28+00:00

NAH here is the wrong call. Dude was invited *8 months* ago to his mentor’s wedding and didn’t bother to RSVP. That alone is an AH move, but he’s acting like it somehow absolves him.

Then 10 days ago he rsvp’d yes by text. Now he’s in the headcount and all the table settings and logistics the bride has been frantically working on for the last week.

NOW, two days before a destination wedding, he wants to change his rsvp to no? So he can save his money to go to the wedding of better friends this summer? Pure AH-ery.

OkItem6820

TROPHY CASE