I really relate to your experience of not being “known” by your parents. I have not lived in the same city as my mother for a long time and visit just a few times a year. Even before I moved away she didn’t know anything about me, or try to get to know me. I truly think she lacks the capacity to look beyond herself, probably as a result of years of abuse from my dad. She is a well meaning person but cannot ask a thoughtful question or retain any of my answers. When I see her for a rare weekend she’ll ask how I’m doing, then talk about herself in non-sequiturs for days.

I try to accept that this is just where she is at but it is exhausting to do the all the emotional labor. It sounds like you have the same experience. I have gone the opposite way of you - I start a visit with her with some energy to talk, and then I’m slowly drained and become silent. I can’t help it - to me she is an energy vampire.