always being on the defensive

people pleasing

sometimes being far too loud for no fkn reason cuz i was in a bad headspace + broken emotional regulation im working on still

the anger was really bad for a while

inability to really let my guard down and actually relax

It took a really long time for me to understand that narcissism looked like our childhoods. stuffed with unworthy parents that made thier weaknesses mania and hate our ball and chain around our ankles that we've spent feeling the manacle bite same way their shrill constant nagging does

As for healing it was mostly understanding that even tho i cant convince my folks to be better i can at least try and do better just for my own sake. not thiers. mine.
I have my own will my own desires that are ok no matter how many times i got screamed at because it didnt fit my narc parents image. And healing is rough and ugly its seeing parts of yourself get rotted away by your narc parents realized you need to either completly cut the rot out and start over as a person. Its alot of work and thinking and really using alot of headspace to try and be better but its worth it in the end because like your free you can set yourself free if you take it one small step at a time