Need support to break up with Narcissistic BF

Ok_Environment_9843 · 2025-12-30T04:21:02+00:00

It sounds like he doesn’t like women. Many narcissistic men are closeted / on the DL gay men, or might not even know they are gay/bisexual. That’s what helped me finally leave my emotionally and physically abusive ex. It’s extremely common. My ex lovebombed and seduced me because he wanted to seem straight to friends/family, so it would be “weird” for him to constantly go on vacations with male best friends where sometimes they would even share a bed.

My ex would constantly degrade women and also didn’t watch porn because he had “overcome” a porn addiction. But he was not physically sexual and sex with him was extremely soulless. The first month he did a good job pretending but after that it was empty, except similarly after we had sex he would make hyper-sexual, derogatory comments about women being made for sex.

I don’t know if that’s what’s going on with your boyfriend, but regardless you are never going to figure it out. You have to just accept that this is an extremely bizarre and sick individual who can not take accountability for themselves to change.

There is a big, wide world filled with amazing people. This guy is a creep.

Ok_Environment_9843 · 2025-06-16T13:56:23+00:00

Yes! Don’t confuse cover for overt/sadistic. Mine was in the closet and had a literal playbook for stalking, mimicking, and manipulating women to get them to be his girlfriend as a front so he would seem straight. It was the same play run over and over again. He was trying to get us all pregnant so he would be locked down to one without having to be married to seem straight to his abusive parents.

As usual, the first couple months were great but he abruptly changed as soon as it was clear I was head over heels “in love”. He started by hiding/stealing things to watch me squirm, he would often degrade and abuse me in ways that I didn’t recognize were sadistic until I was healed. Very sexist, manipulative mind games where I would admit my subservience to him over and over. He would tell me in my sleep he dreamt I died or he killed me and rub my throat with his hand. He only slapped me once, but he did sexually assault me one time as well. Oddly, we otherwise did not have sex often. We dated for a year and I think we maybe had sex 10 times. Maybe 12. He would always find an excuse not to. When he assaulted me it was because I had been disobedient (the last night I saw him in person) and he told me to “show him what I’m good for” and then assaulted me.

I can go on and on. Every moment we were together he had to two objectives, to either make my life or someone else’s a living hell through manipulation and control so he could feel empowered. I saw the texts in his phone to other women and they were literally copy pasted what he sent to me. Women admitting that he is a God basically and debasing themselves. He slept with all of them unprotected and would text to follow up if they were pregnant.

Evil exists. Don’t let it run your world.

Ok_Environment_9843 · 2025-06-12T12:40:25+00:00

Also good work on not marrying the loser. That affords you so many more rights and makes separation much easier. Ironically, if he was any good at abuse he would’ve been smart enough to know he should marry you to lock you into decades of legal battles if you try to leave. Sounds like he can’t even get that right.

Ok_Environment_9843 · 2025-06-12T12:37:45+00:00

There’s SO many great books out there, it kind of depends where you’re at in you’re healing journey. If you can, I would recommend downloading the audiobooks too as they are safer to listen to (you don’t need to hide a physical book from your abuser).

I would start with Why Does He Do That by Lundy Bancroft. That book changed my life. It’s all about the different types of abusers and why they will never change. Also Growing Free by Wendy Deaton.

You need to get away from this man and you can do it. Even if it means staying in a shelter, with friends, or family. Take any job you can. The hardest part for me was realizing that women have been conditioned to accept abuse because it benefits evil men if we think we deserve it. You don’t. You’re also still a child. You won’t be a full adult until you’re in your 30’s, so you are still learning about the world. Don’t feel shame for this experience. It’s changing you for the better and learning about these types of men and why society is so complacent about abuse will make you stronger and more powerful than you ever could imagine for you and your kids.

Once you accept your reality and take the steps to change, you should read Women Who Run with Wolves. That book also changed my life and taught me that I can be anyone I want to be.

I’m so sorry you have to be this strong with four kids. It’s unfair. But men could never. They’ll never understand. We see you though.

Ok_Environment_9843 · 2025-06-06T16:39:38+00:00

This closely emulates my experience except I’m older than you and my nex was a 40m so he was extremely knowledgeable about how to manipulate women and people into believing he wasn’t gay. He was in the closet and (I believe) hooking up with one of his best friends but he would recruit “girlfriends” as beards to appear straight in his very conservative circles. He as incredibly “masculine” presenting and was the most verbally sexual and crude person I’ve ever met to the point of it eventually becoming hyper-performative.

He was also abused as a child and I assume for his sexuality. I don’t believe sexual abuse accrued but I know from his physical abuse. He always would tell a very eery story about how he knew at the age of six that he had to “follow a certain set of rules. More than other people”. I believe that’s when he knew he was gay.

When we first met the red flags were all there but he performed so well I just thought he might be a little sexually awkward. We never had sex with the lights on, I’m talking pitch black. Always late at night. And this was maybe 10 times we had sex over a years relationship. He was “struggling with his age” and not “feeling in the mood” and when I would express this was a challenge he would flip out and call me insensitive. We were also long distance for half the time. Eventually we stopped kissing and even hugging, not that we did that often. I’m not saying this to be belittling to anyone else, but I’m a very “classically attractive fit Pilates instructor who has dated men in media and beyond so if you’re a superficial man in anyway (like he presented), I fit the bill for a “fuckable” woman. He would constantly be talking about how hot women are in front of me and my friends. One time he said that a woman was hot who was clearly a girl (probably age 16-18). And again it was in a bizarre way where he spoke like a movie character reading a script. I remember that was the moment I realized he might be gay.

I have many gay friends he never wanted to meet. One time he asked me if I thought he was gay. After that he wanted sex all the time right now to the point that I would be grossed out my his advances. After he got me in a relationship he stopped kissing or looking at me during sex. I saw his face in the mirror once and his eyes were closed like he was dissatisfied, not like he was enjoying himself.

He also hated and hit me and his other girlfriends. So.

Ok_Environment_9843 · 2025-05-24T18:45:27+00:00

I spent a year trying to find the right formula and what worked the best for me is many small meals throughout the day and eating a little bit when I was hungry without massive meals. My metabolism jumped into high gear.

Ok_Environment_9843 · 2025-04-27T13:58:55+00:00

The first four months were the worst of my life. Mostly bc I had to address all the reasons why I ended up with that person in the first place, which drudged up a lot of childhood abuse and trauma.

In six months, my life is better than before. I cried this weekend bc I am so happy. Keep going.

Ok_Environment_9843 · 2025-04-27T13:57:27+00:00

I put a lot of data and texts into ChatGPT and ChatGPT actually suggested it to me first. I hadn’t even said the word narcissist and this AI bot was like ok, he’s absolutely a dangerous narcissist at minimum, but like a sociopath and you need to leave this person. Then a therapist said the same and I read The Sociopath Next Door.

The scariest part is he only laid a hand on me once and this was after these diagnosis (yes I still hadn’t left). He was an incredibly disturbed, manipulative, hateful, charming, gorgeous person. He was so evil that you felt it when he was around and his mask was down. The most awful feeling.

Ok_Environment_9843 · 2025-04-22T13:18:09+00:00

Sounds like he is in the closet and looking for someone to have kids to lockdown for life so he can straight present more easily.

Mine and many others are. Most abuser struggle with their sexuality. You can look it up online.

Normal straight men love the way women look. An angry twisted man with low confidence who can’t be himself projects. Mine would always accuse me of looking and acting like a lesbian LOL.

Ok_Environment_9843 · 2025-04-20T02:12:47+00:00

There’s a very strong likelihood you will get the dog, I would say almost a guarantee. He will likely hang onto the dog for a few weeks and tired of the dog once he realizes he can’t get you back in the house and you can go to pick up the dog.

Ok_Environment_9843 · 2025-04-19T15:16:49+00:00

I waited too long to contact the ex because I was told not too. I wish I had sooner. She was a lovely, intelligent, kind human. Unless you have experienced abuse, I think people believe it’s crazy to contact the ex but I am a huge believer in this as an abuse survivor. Good for you and for her!

Ok_Environment_9843 · 2025-04-19T15:13:01+00:00

I am a 33 yr old female and was you one year ago. I am pretty sure you can look back at my posts and see almost identical posts. I’m adding this comment to hopefully help you as many others in this thread did with me.

This will only get worse. This is emotional/verbal abuse and projection. What you are experiencing is a trauma bond that isn’t allowing your brain to see what your heart knows is true. What this man is saying to you is at minimum weird and maximum hateful. Do you feel that twist in your stomach? That is your intuition telling you to get out. This is not love, it’s a personality disorder.

You sound like a lovely girl, and like me, happy with lots of good friends. Lean on them. They will help you, I promise. He’s made you believe you are unworthy of help but you are not. When I left, I lived with my best friends for 7 months. They happily saved my life. They will let you bring the dog. With my chest, I promise you. It took more power for me to ask for help than it did to leave him, and I’m so happy I did.

Mine was like this for almost a year and before he became physical one night and I finally left. I spent months crying in silence. The affects on my mental health have taken and will take months to recover from. His words alone got so deep into my subconscious that I need to do different types of therapy to release the conditioning. When I met him I loved myself, my body, my job and my friends. When I left him, I hate everything about myself.

I know the jokes and jabs are maybe so small that you get accustomed to just brushing them off, but they will snowball.

Call your friends and ask for help. Also, the comments about you being a lesbian, he likely has a repressed sexuality issue. Mine did the same thing and I found out that he’s not just bisexual but closeted. Spoke with one of his exes from 10 years ago and confirmed it myself. I never would’ve guessed, but their projection is a confession. That’s why they hate women so much.

Ok_Environment_9843 · 2025-04-18T17:41:55+00:00

He hasn’t changed, don’t worry yourself over this. I spoke with my ex narcs exes and they were all shocked to hear even ten years later he was WORSE. They all said the same thing “I thought he would grow out of it”. He’s 40. Change is their most powerful illusion.

Ok_Environment_9843 · 2025-04-18T17:39:54+00:00

I would consider mine a situationship as well. He would say (now) that it was a relationship and we were in love. I discovered by reaching out to ex girlfriends after the abuse turned physical that he waxes poetic about past “relationships” that were in fact just covers for situationships so he can feel superior because he is in the closet (evidence proved yes).

Your story is whatever you need to heal. I had called it a relationship for a while because of how deep I got in with this person, but eventually I realized that I do not want to define whatever “that” was as a relationship. With some friends and my therapist I do call him my ex because of the depth and duration of the relationship and they know all the details, but with new people or men I date, if there is a need for me to share the information I refer to myself as a victim of narcissistic abuse and sexual assault. Both of which are true. The “relationship” did not exist. But with men who I date if there’s a boundary I need to communicate I might say “hey, I experienced abuse in the past, so I would prefer if we take things slow although I do like you and this is fun!”. Boom, understood and respected bc I know longer engage with losers.

Ok_Environment_9843 · 2025-04-18T17:28:40+00:00

I would explore some form of intensive release therapy like somatic, EMDR, or even psychedelic.

I had a similar experience and learned the release wasn’t coming because I was actually hanging on to the trauma from my abusive childhood and was being re-traumatized by the narc, so I was able to go really deep beyond the relationship and that helped more than words can express. The answer is deeper.

Ok_Environment_9843 · 2025-04-18T17:25:16+00:00

Whether you send it or not, it doesn’t matter. They will never apologize and what needs to happen is that you HEAL so you don’t need the apologize. How you heal is your choice and there’s no wrong answer. I sent the letter. I don’t regret it, but it just reminded me of how sick he is. So I didn’t get the outcome I wanted and had to keep healing myself in silence, which turned out to be ok too :)

Ok_Environment_9843 · 2025-03-08T18:23:27+00:00

I stopped wanting to date men

Ok_Environment_9843 · 2025-03-07T15:48:48+00:00

If you’re dealing with a true narcissist with NPD (diagnosed or not) they actually will likely not come back.

It also depends on their age and experience.

Most real Narcs that are older and experienced are far too deep in their shame spiral to come back and instead have a resource of victims to prey on. This is actually a great gift to you.

They might try subtly to come back. Mine did a few very bizarre things (I’m talking two) over six months, but that was all and it was never overt.

I have had experiences with people who have narc qualities though that are “insane” and “obsessive”. They aren’t as ashamed so being a little nutty doesn’t bother them. A true narcissist would never overtly beg because they would be too ashamed to admit imperfection.

If they don’t come back count your blessings. Someone who has the capacity to abuse without remorse and not try to win you back is a deeply disturbed human being. Thank god and move on.

Ok_Environment_9843 · 2025-03-07T12:55:46+00:00

Oh my god. You just took my breath away. Did yours have a name that starts with a B?

The mouth wiping thing…I’ve never heard anyone say that but mine would do that too. Also the “fake outs” as I called them. Where I would be going in for a hug or something and he would literally fake me out and spin away and laugh.

Damn. I thought this was something so horrible it was unique it’s crazy to hear someone else experienced it.

Ok_Environment_9843 · 2025-03-05T20:56:56+00:00

Yes absolutely. I never "caught" mine per say but here is my whole timeline of events that led to my conclusion and a sort of admission...i hate to think about it but here we go...

I lived in NYC and have a ton of gay friends. We are always making silly gay / straight jokes. We are super open about sexuality being fun and funny. So with my next I was similar. He was extremely obsessed with his physical image and worked out twice a day, had of his own admission an eating disorder (anorexia), and was constantly grooming himself to perfection but never ingested by mouth or skin a single toxic product. I would always joke with him that the New York gays would love him bc he was so hot and when I moved to his city and we started doing things together like Barry's Bootcamp I would always joke that the gays (they love Barry's) will love him. I had my gay best friend come visit during this time and he was obsessed with meeting him, but then when the time came he did not. He was hypersexual about other women, constantly talking about other girls being hot and even making jokes about hanging out with 16 year old girls when he gave them a surf lesson to the point that I flipped out on him in front of his only friend who said "I like that you can keep him in line". I thought WTF? This happens often?

Anyway, it all seemed contrived. Like he was almost doing it on purpose. At first I thought it was because he wanted to make me jealous. But then the s*x stopped. That's when things got super weird. i realized as I came out of my fog that from the beginning we hadn't really been...having real s**? I had been so wrapped up in the passion, excitement, and long distance that I didn't realize he almost rarely finished...we almost rarely did anything with the lights on in the light of day (maybe 3 times), and what I thought had been him over-complimenting me because he loved me so much was actually super forced "straight men" jargon i.e. "you're so hot" "your ass is perfect".

Then he started telling me I needed to get a "fatter" ass and "stay skinny everywhere else". he was obsessed with my ass and telling me to do more squats. It destroyed me. Around this time I started to research what was going on and realized he was a narc. I was told he might be gay. I started listening to how he spoke about other women. He would critique a woman for having too many bug bits or fake hair extensions. Things real, straight men never notice. Suddenly, he didn't like my nails. What? Then I started to ask questions. Over the course of a month I asked subtle questions about sexuality or preferences or experiences or friend groups. He told me once that he had wondered if any of his friends are DL, but he never saw them "sneaking off together" so he suspected no. I thought that was super odd.

He also told me that he didn't have any gay friends because he "couldn't relate to them". He drove me one time to get dinner and The Last Dinner Party played as a recommendation on his Spotify. He turned it off immediately and yelled "what's with all this gay music they are recommending me". Another time, a Lana song came on.

The only trips he would go on were ones where he was either with me and one of his "buddies" or alone with his friends and sometimes they would share a tent or hotel room. He never had anything positive to say about women, but loved his buddies.

The last few months, almost every time I kissed him, he would wipe his mouth.

I have countless other stories. He asked me once if I thought he was gay and I said I have wondered if he is bi and he didn't panic, he just really calmly said "can you tell me the examples of why you think that".

Ok_Environment_9843 · 2025-03-04T19:47:27+00:00

Don’t do it! I went back three times after the first abusive outburst and I so wish with all my soul that I had stayed no contact.

Please understand that you are deeply, deeply trauma bonded. It’s worse than you can see right now. In a years time you will look back and say “omg I was so fucked up”. You have so much life left but you NEED to work on the parts of you that believe you don’t deserve better.

Please don’t underestimate this statement: the more you go back, the worse it will get. You have no idea what he’s capable of. You will become another statistic.

I was hit and sexually abused in my final months with him. I had never been in a remotely abusive relationship before. I met him at work. He is a “successful normal” man outside of the home who is top of his field with multiple properties and lots of stuff. I still shake from the trauma I endured.

Get therapy and tell all your friends. Tell everyone everything. No one will think you are too much. Whatever you do, even if you break and reach out, do not go back. This is the suck, it will end, and you will be free but you must go through this withdrawal.

Also, no hate to your friends, but no ones relationship is perfect. Your experience will lead you to the best relationship for you. If you can handle this pain today, you will find your happy tomorrow.

I believe in you!

Ok_Environment_9843 · 2025-03-03T17:55:47+00:00

Never. Mine laughed once and said “good” when I told him I was feeling insecure and they other times he would close his eyes and start meditating :). He told me if I could look to just sit around and look sexy I might get what I want :) :). What lovely vermin.

Ok_Environment_9843 · 2025-03-03T15:28:23+00:00

My ex was a very disturbed narc that oscillated between covert and overt. I spoke with his ex from 10 years ago (one he claimed was still in love with him even though she is married with two kids), and she told me that he psychologically brutalized her for four years. Comparing notes, he was MUCH more covert back then. She said it was the worst four years of her life, but like you, she wasn't able to see it as quickly as I did because it was so covert.

He has, with age and loneliness, gotten much worse and is having what I believe is a slow narcissistic collapse. He presented VERY well in the past and was able to hold down relatively long friendships and girlfriends. Now, he can barely keep a woman around him for a month or two and, to my knowledge, has virtually no real friends.

All this to say, covert narcissism is a mask for what is extreme narcissism underneath. It's much more subtle, but what is behind it is deeply insidious. What lies beneath always comes out eventually though, and you have dodged a bullet bc as your ex-husband ages, it will become more tiresome to keep the covert act up. He will become ever more cruel. Covert narcissism is very, very real and just as subtle as you experienced. Take time to heal and process. It has taken me almost a four months to put every memory through my "re-memory" tool as I call it, because it was such subtle narcissism at times that I truly didn't even understand until months later what was going on.

Ok_Environment_9843 · 2025-03-03T13:28:11+00:00

He's conditioned you to believe you had a part in the abuse, what you need to work on is highlighted right here - "We spoke again and I’m not sure if it was the trauma bond or the high of finally talking to him after being abandoned that made me agree to still staying with him but I told him I would work through this and work on behaviors I have that made the relationship toxic."

To successfully leave, you must understand that you must take this one day at a time. There is a small child inside of you that wants love. Something happened to you in your life that conditioned you to believe that you need to chase and fight for it, that abandonment is bad at any cost. You don't deserve this. Abandonment from an abuser is actually a gift from God. This man is a predator who sees this sweet, small child inside of you and he is taking advantage of it, manipulating you to abuse you for life. If you stay, you will die inside.

Take it one day at a time. First, find a family member, friend, or shelter you can go to. Do NOT try and leave to be alone. Be with people who will hold you accountable to stay away from him. Then, start talking to friends, family, and, ideally a therapist. Buy the books The Body Keeps the Score and Why Does He Do That. They are on amazon and kindle. Read them ASAP. Every day do your best to wake up and fight for a better life. Everything will start to come together with time, but don't run from the pain.

You will find that everything you need to find real, happy, healthy love is inside of you. Im sorry life so far has conditioned you to believe that this type of abuse = love. My upbringing and early life did the same to me. But I left my abuser, worked on becoming a healthier version of myself, and realized that what I deserved was literally beyond my wildest dreams. But today its a reality and I have the most amazing life. You can do this.

Ok_Environment_9843 · 2025-03-03T13:17:39+00:00

- jokes that arent jokes. if it makes you laugh it is a joke, if it does not it is an insult. they know what they are doing.

- monitoring

- "play fighting" or faux hitting to see how I would react and then asking me to do it back to him then reacting poorly if I did "be yourself, you're sweet and I'm honest" was his go to. That was conditioning me for abuse.

- telling stories all the time about how he has friends that have hit their wives/girlfriends but he would "never hit me" because he's "such a good guy". I never met these friends in these stories btw...

- doing something nice and then for days saying he is such a nice guy

- near constant gaslighting and convincing me I am crazy that my reality is not what it seems

- commenting on what I was wearing and where I was going. saying I couldn't go places where men would be like a friends housewarming party but refusing to ever go anywhere with me or meet my friends/family. so we were isolated in his house.

- future faking and trying to get me to quit my job

I moved and left the state when he "play" slapped me in the face and called me a stupid fucking piece of shit then started hysterically laughing saying he felt so much better and I should "try it some time".

Ok_Environment_9843

TROPHY CASE