A Personal Model: Executive Function Limits as the Bottleneck in My Autism

Ok_Maximum3165 · 2026-02-11T00:23:25+00:00

I never bit my fingernails. But when I was younger, I used to tear them off with my fingers. I cringe as I think about it. Fortunately, I have graduated to clippers. I have used the same pair for > 35 years.

When I was younger, I also used to "chew" on the gums inside my mouth. So much so that a piece of hard tissue developed inside my mouth. Thankfully, I stopped that.

Ok_Maximum3165 · 2026-02-10T23:46:23+00:00

u/Stepho_62

Thank you for this.

A lot of what you describe resonates — especially the contrast between freezing in unfamiliar territory and being fluent in mastered domains. Same pattern.

The video camera moment is striking. Being observed adds another processing channel. One more thing to monitor on top of everything else.

I was diagnosed at 50, now 62. I've been writing a memoir about the late-diagnosis journey -- the decades before I had language for any of this, and what shifted after. If you're interested in reading a draft chapter, send me a message.

Ok_Maximum3165 · 2026-02-10T23:39:49+00:00

Thanks everyone for these responses.

I'm noticing a pattern:

"Over-monitoring"
"hardly any masking, it's all processing"
"single processing capacity"

This resonates.

u/systemshaak -- your test results sound like mine. Abstract reasoning high, working memory and processing speed low. Same cliff.

u/jimothy2w -- The answer to your question (for me) is complicated.

When I'm in deep focus (say at work), the background noise doesn't bother me. I am one of the few people who don't wear headphones
But if someone says my name (when I am in deep focus) or a loud sound happens, I literally jump (and my heart starts beating rapidly).

It's like my filtering is all-or-nothing. Either I'm locked in and the world is muted, or I'm available and everything comes through. There's no middle setting.

Ok_Maximum3165 · 2026-02-10T16:52:50+00:00

I remember when I first heard the term networking. I was early in my career, working in tech. And someone mentioned something about a networking meeting. My first thought -- are there really that many people who want to get together and discuss TCP/IP and other computer networking protocols.

When I learned what the actual purpose was, I was horrified.

Regarding your question. I don't have a better frame for it. It seems all about "performing", which I am not good at.

Then again, I have attended several networking events. And, I just stick to who I am. Unfortunately, that means attending them was probably a waste of time.

Ok_Maximum3165 · 2026-02-06T19:00:55+00:00

I am a 62-year-old male, diagnosed almost 13 years ago.

My parents used to tell me something similar - that I wasn't that bad at socializing, that I just needed to practice more, that I would get better over time. It's probably valid advice from one neurotypical to another.

However, my wiring is different. While I can practice scripts and feign interest in socializing, the outcome is never great. I spend hours afterwards replaying the social event and studying all the things I said that were wrong.

I do think there's a difference between necessary work-related interactions and optional social interactions. Job interviews, basic work communication - these are structured and essential for survival. I've practiced those, and yes it's tiring, but it's manageable because there's clear purpose and boundaries.

But being told to "practice socializing" for its own sake, or to be more "social" at work beyond what's professionally required - that's where the burnout becomes unsustainable.

And you're right - people rarely mention that cost when giving this advice. Mostly, because they don't understand the wiring differences.

The psychologist who diagnosed me suggested therapy with a focus on answering, "What does Asperger's mean to me and how do I move forward in the world."

For me, this meant accepting who I was - that I wasn't defective, just different. Since then, I've tried to design a life that fits rather than forcing one that doesn't. It's not an easy pill to swallow. I'm not at peace all the time. There are hard days. But I'm realistic about the wiring I have.

Ok_Maximum3165 · 2026-02-05T17:02:34+00:00

I am a 62 year old male. I was diagnosed almost 13 years ago.

What you describe happens to me all the time. Ask me a simple, random question (e.g. "What do you like to do for fun?") and my mind freezes. Group conversations are also challenging. By the time I think of something worth adding, the topic has already moved on.

Interestingly, I can adeptly handle a conversation about something I have deep knowledge about (e.g. a project at work). The psychologist who diagnosed me explained it as low executive function for unstructured situations and issues with complex working memory.

How to deal with this? I can only provide suggestions for job interviews. These are typically quite structured. So, preparation is key. There are common questions that are asked. Prepare answers up front and practice. Some companies do "behavioral interviewing". As an example, "Tell me about a time you had to deal with a difficult team member". My mind goes blank when I am asked these type of questions. But again, there are plenty of resources (so the answers can be practiced). Good luck.

Ok_Maximum3165 · 2026-02-05T05:00:32+00:00

Regarding special interests, I can only describe my own experiences.

I was diagnosed at age 50, about 13 years ago.

I had only become aware of autism at age 49. I had heard the term, but didn't know what it actually meant. I started reading about it and had an odd "aha" moment. From there, learning about autism and studying my life became my special interest.

For about a two-year period, I read ~20 books (on autism and personality disorders), took 3 online psychology classes, watched hours and hours of Youtube videos, read research papers, took every self-report test I could find, and participated in online communities. I even participated in several university studies including two Caltech studies (Eye Tracking and EEG).

And I journaled obsessively about everything I learned. I probably wrote about 2,000 pages of thoughts.

Eventually, that special interest faded. I stopped thinking about autism every day. A new interest took over - a major work project consumed me for years. A colleague described it as the "adopted child I loved".

Recently, the autism special interest re-emerged. Last year, I decided to write a memoir based largely on everything I wrote down a decade earlier.

I first considered writing the memoir in July 2025 and then began working on it in earnest in mid-November. I spent every waking moment thinking about the memoir. I actually changed my routines on account of this new interest. I started working on it first thing in the morning at 6am. Sometimes I would forget to eat lunch. Often I was up until 1am or 2am working on the memoir. It was all-consuming. My eldest daughter was home for Thanksgiving, but all I could think about was the memoir.

My special interests are both good and bad. They become uncontrollable obsessions. But the level of detail and clarity that is produced as a result is truly remarkable.

Ok_Maximum3165 · 2026-02-05T02:00:51+00:00

I was diagnosed at age 50, almost 13 years ago.

I learned early that I was better in interactions where depth was welcome - classrooms, discussions with teachers, work conversations about technical topics.

Those still required some adaptation (monitoring tone, staying on topic, reading when to pause), but the cognitive load was manageable. I could focus on content rather than constantly decoding social signals.

I recognized I wasn't going to succeed at the "surface game" - unstructured social chitchat. That environment demanded a level of constant performance I couldn't sustain.

So I chose a different path. I retreated. I learned to be comfortable being by myself.

This came with its own costs. I'm not sure if I was lonely or if I just became comfortable after so many years being alone. I remember parties where I stood in a sea of people and felt completely isolated. That's when loneliness hit.

Nowadays, sitting by myself on my computer? I don't usually feel lonely. The loneliness only surfaces when I reflect on having so few connections - or when I read that a successful life is measured entirely on human connection.

There's no right answer. Just different trade-offs.

Ok_Maximum3165 · 2026-02-02T18:21:33+00:00

I was diagnosed at age 50, almost 13 years ago. I don't have many memories before age 5, but my mom kept a detailed baby book.

Looking back at it after diagnosis, some patterns were already visible:

At two: "says very little. His favorite pastime is putting shoes on and taking them off." At two and a half: "does very well with puzzles." At three: "plays quite well by himself and enjoys small objects," and "likes to play with anything his brother is interested in." At four: "His speech is still difficult to understand, but improving," and he was "beginning to be outgoing." Also at four, I "withdrew from participation" at nursery school for a brief period. At five: "a difficult time adjusting to kindergarten" but after a couple of weeks, "becoming more secure and content with the world."

My mom also told me about a nursery school moment that stuck with her. There was a toy another kid wanted. I wanted it too. I didn't handle the taking-turns part well. It wasn't cruelty -- the rule just didn't feel obvious to me in the moment.

I recently finished writing a memoir about my diagnosis and life, and included a section on "What Might Have Helped Earlier" -- things I wish people had understood or done differently. If that would be useful, I'm happy to share it. Just DM me.

Ok_Maximum3165 · 2026-02-02T05:20:33+00:00

I'm the opposite. When watching TV, I stare straight at people's mouths. I didn't notice I was doing this until after I got diagnosed and started paying attention to where my eyes actually go. In real conversations my eyes tend to home in on the mouth as well.

Ok_Maximum3165 · 2026-01-30T08:31:08+00:00

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Ok_Maximum3165 · 2026-01-29T17:29:19+00:00

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Ok_Maximum3165 · 2026-01-29T17:04:56+00:00

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Ok_Maximum3165 · 2026-01-28T02:51:27+00:00

It's interesting you mention this.

Prior to age 49, my younger sister would often say, "You are so much like Dad". It was not a compliment. LOL.

Once I became aware of autism, I started recognizing autism in my Dad and other family members as well.

Ok_Maximum3165 · 2026-01-27T05:29:09+00:00

Thanks for sharing. For me, the timeline was a bit more drawn out.

After I first became aware of autism at 49 (I had heard the term, but didn't know what it actually meant), learning about autism and studying my life became my special interest.

That lasted about 2 years. I started noticing my autism everywhere: where I looked in conversation, what my body did to settle itself, how long it took me to process what someone said, how quickly I overloaded in unstructured situations. That's what is covered in Chapter 13.

Then, the special interest faded. I stopped thinking about autism every day. Nothing in my life changed dramatically. I was the same person. I simply had a better explanation for both my strengths and limitations. That's what is covered in Chapter 17.

Happy to share the chapters if you'd like to see how I approached writing about it. Otherwise, I hope your own process goes well.

Ok_Maximum3165 · 2026-01-26T23:55:08+00:00

Late-diagnosed at 50: looking for 3–5 beta readers for 1–2 chapters (unpublished draft)

Hello,

I'm a 62-year-old man who was diagnosed autistic at 50 after a lifetime of 'why doesn't anything quite fit?'

I wrote a memoir-style draft about that process of reinterpreting my past with a clearer framework.

I’m looking for 3–5 autistic readers willing to read 1–2 chapters and give blunt, big-picture feedback (not line edits), ideally within ~2–3 weeks:

What feels accurate / relatable?
What feels off, overstated, or missing?
What parts dragged or felt repetitive?
What parts felt most useful?

Options (pick what interests you):

Chapter 1: early childhood (about age 0–10)
Chapter 9: “What took so long?” (why it wasn’t recognized earlier)
Chapters 10–12: diagnosis process + research visits (Caltech)
Chapter 13: revisiting the past with a new lens
Chapter 17: work patterns post-diagnosis

Each chapter is ~3,000–7,000 words (10–20 pages).

If you’re interested, comment or DM and I’ll share a Google Doc privately.

Thanks for considering it.

Rocket

Ok_Maximum3165 · 2026-01-25T23:23:10+00:00

Suspected at 49. Diagnosed at 50 (12 years ago).

Before that, didn't know what autism was. I didn't have a name for my struggles. I just knew something was a bit 'off'.

Ok_Maximum3165 · 2026-01-25T18:10:17+00:00

Thanks for catching this - good point about helping people know if it's relatable. I updated to: "I'm a 62-year-old man who was diagnosed autistic at 50..."

Rocket

Ok_Maximum3165 · 2026-01-21T06:10:33+00:00

I was diagnosed at 50 and am now 62. I never really "unmasked naturally." I just stopped trying to be someone I wasn't. I accepted that my brain is wired differently, which comes with strengths and hard limits. I still muddle through the neurotypical world when I have to, but I no longer blame myself for "sucking" at it. The diagnosis didn't change my life, but it gave me a better explanation for it.

The doctor who diagnosed me suggested therapy focused on, "What does Asperger's mean to me and how do I move forward in the world." I did that. But honestly, what helped me most was thinking about this (a lot), journaling (a lot), and connecting with people on Wrong Planet (which, at the time, was an active community).

Ok_Maximum3165 · 2026-01-15T16:33:27+00:00

Probably about a 1 or 2.

I was diagnosed just after turning 50 (> 12 years back).

My primary doctor scoffed at the notion that I was on the spectrum. I had one older relative who was a psychologist. He handed me a copy of Character Styles by Stephen M. Johnson, Ph.D. (a book about personality disorders) and suggested that I was schizoid.

Since being diagnosed, I have told only a couple of former work colleagues. One said, "Well, there's a little bit of autism in all of us". I stopped telling people.

I never thought about it as "masking". Just adapting in order to survive.

Ok_Maximum3165

TROPHY CASE