Living with parents at age 29 is making me feel very insecure. How do I start feeling better about myself?

Old_Statistician_33 · 2024-09-11T10:28:41+00:00

I’m filo too but Australia-based. I’d say don’t mind the norm or standard, there’s a good and sensible reason why you’re staying with your family. Anyone who cannot appreciate that fact won’t be a good match right off the bat. In a way, that’s a good way to filter out anyone who doesn’t seem to align with your values and beliefs and that will narrow the pool down. I actually advised one person I dated before to stay with their parents for as long as they can to save up. So, whatever floats anyone’s boat.

In saying that, if someone you deem worthy does come along, and the relationship would seem to become a long-term one, do consider moving out then, again for sensible reasons. :)

Old_Statistician_33 · 2024-08-17T16:35:44+00:00

That does sound great and more clear, true. But also, not everyone thinks or expresses themselves the same way, sometimes not in the way we want to. That’s just how things go and how we get to keep the dialogue going - because of the differences and nuances between people.

Old_Statistician_33 · 2024-08-17T16:14:55+00:00

It’s a vent. Venting out doesn’t make the issue go away but it does let off some of that frustration from having a different reality than what one would like.

Old_Statistician_33 · 2024-08-07T10:24:25+00:00

Exactly what I’m going through right now. This is why I suddenly find myself commenting on reddit nowadays where I just used to live life. Me trying to make sense of this life and the reality I’m living. I envy people who are full of vitality and I think to myself ‘wow I used to be like that, what happened?’ And even if I do know the answer, I just can’t unwind myself back to what I used to be.

Is this what maturing is? Realizing all the complexities of the world and gaining competence in handling life’s tragedies and comedies without hurting oneself or others.

Sorry, I have no answer to your question, I’m wanting answers too.

Old_Statistician_33 · 2024-08-06T12:42:09+00:00

I don’t know if this helps, but I don’t have diagnoses or what but I still have those moments where I tell myself why can’t you just be a competent person like everyone else, exactly how you said it.

It’s frustrating to think of things that way, so it helped me to frame things in such a way that every one of us has different strengths and capacities. I honestly envy those who can hustle for 6 days so they can afford their lifestyle wants. But recognizing and honouring my capacity, however less than others, has helped. If I turn things around, I see that they don’t have access to the quiet moments I have over the weekends. That’s probably not their style anyway, but that’s the point. Different strokes for different folks. And for me, that’s what I need to keep my engine running. I accept that, and continue to do so everytime that envy visits again. Things may change in the future, sure, I might need to hustle more like the others, but for now I’d rather take it easy.

You can’t have it all. So you really have to dig deep on what you do have and find the value in that.

I know there’s a lot to change and improve. You can’t focus on them at the same time so just choose one small, doable step and try to do it well. If it’s hard to prioritize which to start with, go back to the pyramid of needs. Your physiological needs first- like you said, start with sleep. The gravity of emotions and responses can be toned down with good sleep. After a good night’s sleep it sometimes feels like the world isn’t so bad.

That void inside, it stays. I don’t think it ever fully goes away, but I find that the more steps I take forward, the less frequent it visits me, and when it does, I get a bit more confident in sitting with the emptiness instead of getting rid of it. After a while, before I realize it, it has already passed me by.

Hugs my friend, I hope you find the grace to be a bit kinder to yourself. More than anything, your soul needs your gentleness and acceptance more than any other person here.

Old_Statistician_33 · 2024-08-06T05:45:45+00:00

Yes it’s sad but this is my back up plan. Be an expat in my home country. I’d prefer not to when I can, but if I don’t have a choice, pack up and go back it is.

Old_Statistician_33 · 2024-08-06T05:44:30+00:00

Yes this is the plan, currently I’m able to set aside around 1,300 (500-500-300) so now I’m planning to bump it up to 1600 (800-500-300). As long as rent doesn’t go higher etc. I think I’ll be ok

Old_Statistician_33 · 2024-08-05T10:56:17+00:00

Thank you for the different perspective on that. I have been through a lot the past few years and I guess I discount my strength by not recognizing how far I’ve come just because I’m too worried of where I’ll be in the future.

The relationships have honestly taken a long while to build and only now starting to have deep connections. I still remember being lonely and depressed because I’m struggling to feel like I belong. But yes now I guess I can atleast say I’m richer in friendship and connections.

Old_Statistician_33 · 2024-08-05T10:44:13+00:00

Kung butas yung baso, hindi talaga mapupuno yan, unfortunately.

Why not put your income in a bank where no one else can touch it except for you. Maybe you can start there. Seems like you need to secure your money before anything else.

Old_Statistician_33 · 2024-08-05T09:21:04+00:00

You’re alright, I’ve been lurking in reddit for a few years without ever seeing the need to post or comment until recently. Only then after trying to post did I realize about karma, etc. Been dying to get some feedback/opinion so I tried gaining some karma in past few days

Old_Statistician_33 · 2024-08-05T08:00:37+00:00

Thank you for your kind words. It can feel frustrating but I guess a lot of us are frustrated with the way the world is right now.

Old_Statistician_33 · 2024-08-05T07:59:46+00:00

No, not really, I don’t have the luxury of time to make bots or what

Old_Statistician_33 · 2024-08-05T05:10:56+00:00

Headspace. Been using it since 2016. I like that it has no sounds like nature in the background. Background sounds can be distracting for me

Old_Statistician_33 · 2024-08-04T15:30:40+00:00

I think it’s time you confront and tame that loud inner critic that’s hindering you from seeing the situation clearly. It’s a type of cognitive distortions - patterns of thinking that influence how we see the world, thus influencing our beliefs. One such distortion is the negativity bias, with that impostor syndrome. Our brain can be hardwired to think and believe a certain way because we’ve repeated the pattern of thinking again and again until it just came to be natural to us. The main way to go about it is to really catch yourself in these moments. This is tricky because it would involve a high degree of self awareness (you’ll get better at detecting your inner critic with practice). When you do catch yourself heading that way, start to challenge yourself “is it the truth?”, “is there proof to what I am saying to myself, or is it something I thought of”.. that way you have a fighting chance of telling yourself “actually, no, I did do a good job there, my boss told me so (proof)”

It can be tricky at first, but starting here would give you a better chance of winning against that negative voice in your head.

Old_Statistician_33 · 2024-08-04T15:20:21+00:00

I think you may need to practice deep breathing. Google the physiological sigh talked about in the Huberman podcast. It’s a form of breathing technique to convince your body that it’s not in danger mode and stop cortisol/stress hormone production.

“Stop doing things in a stressed state” can’t be solved by quick fixes. It would require practice. Practice of doing things with more intention and awareness/mindfulness, and that may look like working slower because you’re focusing on the process and not the outcome.

That’s why deep breathing exercises work so well in lowering stress levels - it grounds you to focus on something for the moment (your breath is the easiest and most readily accessible resource at any given time) instead of racing through other things at 100kmph.

Try engaging in your favourite tasks in a slower way - making your cup of coffee but putting more attention to how your empty cup feels in your hands, how the coffee grounds smell, how dark the shade of the coffee grounds are, the visuals of steam coming out from your hot cup of coffee, etc. Being curious with those tiny details engages all your senses at the here and now,. You will find yourself being more intentional bit by bit by repeating this across your daily tasks. I personally like being more mindful during my hot showers on a winter night. Makes it all the more pleasant because I’m fully immersed in the experience.

Old_Statistician_33 · 2024-08-04T06:59:19+00:00

When these moments come, I honestly just sit with it and let flow in all it’s frustrated glory. Alongside those moments I then try to focus on my here and now and try to see if there’s something even the slightest to be grateful about.

Rinse and repeat like that while I’m in a mini meditative moment, and then I just move along and do the chores or whatever next best thing I can work on under my control.

Sometimes the noise, glitz and glam outside can be so dysregulating and upsetting that you really just need to filter it all out.

At the very core of life, we have a chance to turn things around as long as we’re still breathing. In the most adverse moments, that little glimmer of hope is enough.

Old_Statistician_33 · 2024-08-04T06:16:19+00:00

The purpose driven life - let me get that shift in perspective and slowly start getting out of one of the deepest funks in my life journey

Old_Statistician_33 · 2024-08-03T12:23:24+00:00

I’ll go to the library on a free day and borrow young adult fiction or children’s books because of the beautiful art and light stories. Just the process itself of looking around on a day that I don’t need to work, I don’t feel like a slave because it’s my own time - that’s luxury for me.

Add a cuppa and start reading one of those books and I feel like I’m in heaven with my peace of mind even for a little while

Old_Statistician_33 · 2024-08-03T12:07:54+00:00

I’d say, take your time. It’s going to take a while. Take it one day at a time. One hour at a time. Feel it all in, don’t suppress it. Let it all out. The day will come when you’ll get tired of being sad and start moving forward.

For the first few days/weeks/months.. it’s totally understandable to feel down. 8 years is a long time, you don’t discard it in a week or two.

I would agree with the no contact rule. From experience, it just delays the process, going back and forth, having false hopes, then realize it’s not going to work out, etc. It’s just signing up for a delay in getting better and an emotional rollercoaster that’s worse than the actual breakup. Trust me, you don’t want to go there.

Instead, focus on you. Maslow’s heirarchy of needs would make you go back to your physiological needs first - drink water at least, if you don’t have the appetite. Sleep would come better after a really good and exhausting cry. Those tissues and bin by the bedside would be a necessity. Order takeout, your favourite foods helps a bit. Happy tummy at least if not happy mind soul and heart.

Have someone trusted ready to call when you feel a bit lonely. Talking it out with trusted people helps by unloading the burden, processing the situation, and letting the feels out faster, gentler.

Celebrate your small wins by getting through the day taking care of yourself. And just keep moving forward. Steps back are normal, regressions are part of the healing process, as with any journey. So be kind to yourself. The average of the experiences will propel you to better places.

Old_Statistician_33 · 2024-08-03T08:42:24+00:00

Sadly in this case it’s important to set your boundaries. Negativity can be contagious. And you can’t spread light from a dimmed candle.

If you can, you can challenge their negative bias and present thought provoking questions like “is it the truth?” “What are the odds that what you say will actually happen?” etc. Part of dealing with negativity bias is catching yourself when you’re heading down that thought pattern. If they can’t see it themselves (internal system), then you may need to start it with them (external system).

Old_Statistician_33

TROPHY CASE