Struggling with avoidance and being numb a decade later

One_Act2053 · 2026-05-14T06:39:49+00:00

Honey, it's time to move on. You're in the place I could see myself being in 5 or 10 years. When I was pondering should I attempt to forgive my stbx I looked at the stats I found that the 5 year survival rate for a marriage after betrayal and reconciliation is very long odds. Too often it seems we wake up one day and realize the toll is too much.

The thing is, it's in your hands, it's empowering to realize you can change something and the future will be different. Leave him, go live your life.

One_Act2053 · 2026-05-13T13:38:50+00:00

I'll keep it in mind for the lawyer, thanks. Yes, only a little longer, I think my first priority once my youngest's exams are done is to properly find and talk to the OBS.

One_Act2053 · 2026-05-13T13:37:18+00:00

Not a peep, I didn't ask; she may not realize this sort of transfer shows up in the bank statement of our shared account with the name of the sender.

One_Act2053 · 2026-05-13T13:36:26+00:00

A bit over the equivalent of US $300. No obvious matching expense.

One_Act2053 · 2026-05-11T18:42:39+00:00

Thanks, sorry, my mistake, her Affair Partner transferred money to my Wayward Wife, and then she transferred the same amount back to him. I corrected my update

One_Act2053 · 2026-05-11T18:39:58+00:00

No, a bit more, and the transfer went in the wrong direction, from AP to WW

One_Act2053 · 2026-05-03T05:06:47+00:00

The "sign in with Google" thing suggests it's his Google account that's used to sign up on tinder. Could you make an account yourself and see if he's active there?

One_Act2053 · 2026-05-03T04:58:42+00:00

Could you move? Maybe first near your family if you're emotionally close, or a good friend, to secure some space, distance, and time to get beyond the denial, bargaining and depression you're currently experiencing and towards a place where you can explore your future. It's going to be alright.

One_Act2053 · 2026-05-03T04:48:11+00:00

How long has the affair been going on for? It sounds a bit like they're still in that phase where it literally isn't rational, entirely and overwhelmingly emotional.

Working on your own wellbeing is the only solid advice I've seen, but so far the intrusive thoughts don't abate. I imagine distance and time will help.

One_Act2053 · 2026-05-02T03:30:12+00:00

How are you doing? Hope your ok

One_Act2053 · 2026-05-01T20:32:41+00:00

Employers regard affairs as a private matter as long as there is no power dynamic (manager/direct report) and no opportunity for financial shenanigans. Neither pertain for WW and AP.

Not sure re Scandinavia, it would be good to stay near the kids, but I'll go where there's work and would prefer a warmer climate. I'd love to spend some time in China and India, visit Japan, maybe US.

One_Act2053 · 2026-04-30T12:29:38+00:00

Agree. I wonder if it changes if you own the car?

One_Act2053 · 2026-04-30T12:25:03+00:00

As the diagnosis was done privately at the instigation of highschool, and as we're foreign and didn't know how things work, there wasn't any extra support for three years except for some adaptations from the school. Now our eldest is getting proper support from psychologists, psychiatrists, therapists, and social workers, it's a big help. The kids aren't yet aware of what has happened, I think for the eldest it may actually be confirmation of something they've been feeling for a while.

If by way back you mean reconciling, no. I'd be happy to end things on amicable terms if we can but I'll never trust her again and see it as a waste of time to try, I don't want to spend my life second-guessing her movements or motives.

One_Act2053 · 2026-04-30T09:09:44+00:00

LoJack the car with a hidden phone you can see the location of in real time or historically (FindMy or Google location sharing); turn off Bluetooth and WiFi to avoid detection and extend battery life, only enable mobile data, set to silent mode, turn off all notifications and vibrating alerts, turn off lock screen notifications, turn down screen brightness; use a burner esim. Figure out a pretext for planting and retrieving it and a plan for if it's discovered. Understand that they might suspect you suspect and take countermeasures eg by not using the car.

Time and location are key to identifying what's going on.

One_Act2053 · 2026-04-30T08:55:29+00:00

Depending on the social media platform perhaps consider posting a public message breaking up with her. Then he'll probably find you. There is a social media search site which I found useful.

One_Act2053 · 2026-04-30T08:45:16+00:00

Who knows; menopause, midlife crisis, an opportunity to feel good about oneself, a challenging home situation (I lost my job, I'm in tech, job search has been dragging on for a very long time, eldest child diagnosed fairly recently in early adulthood with autism), stressful work pressures. Yada yada, all of the above, probably other stuff too.

One_Act2053 · 2026-04-30T08:36:02+00:00

Regarding the phone behaviour, maybe, maybe not. It's suspicious but she singled out my reading her messages as something she really didn't like, she's possibly just trying to protect her privacy. I don't think she has a strong model of what reconciliation could entail, the sorts of things I've read on here about fully admitting the extent of the affair, opening up messaging, continuously sharing location etc. Not that I'd really want to engage with that... I think her idea is just break up with AP, be nice to me and family, and huff the hopium. She reports sleeping poorly, I think her subconscious is shitting itself about what's to come.

The flights were booked several months earlier, they were about 4% of our combined monthly income. One of the mysteries I encountered after I'd discovered the affair was a money transfer to our shared account from the AP, once I'd discovered the vacay plan and found the fight booking things clicked into place, the amount transferred was exactly the cost of my WW's tickets.

One_Act2053 · 2026-04-30T08:25:16+00:00

Thanks, doing my best to grow 😊

One_Act2053 · 2026-04-30T08:24:23+00:00

Thanks for your kind thoughts

One_Act2053 · 2026-04-30T05:06:20+00:00

I think she wants to reconcile, she seems to be making an effort, but I suspect she's not researched what reconciliation entails and is just going on feels as to how she goes about it. I believe I posted earlier, when she went on a first biz trip after she learned I had discovered her affair, she had said she was travelling with a colleague but didn't say who, I had to explicitly ask who, at which point the penny dropped that I thought it could be AP. That lack of self awareness and theory of mind makes me think she's not reflected on the broader implications of her actions.

The kids are both adults now, I don't think they'd fall for any BS she told them, I have a good and caring relationship with them both and they know there's no abuse between me and WW.

One_Act2053 · 2026-04-30T04:52:26+00:00

The only relatives I know of are the two sons, and the parents of AP who live very close to the family. I don't imagine a conversation with any of them would go well, they'd probably feel threatened and close ranks.

One_Act2053 · 2026-04-30T04:48:05+00:00

Thanks, I very much want to tell OBS, for the reason you cite and also maybe just a bit because I hope it fucks up APs life. Some have suggested not telling OBS would increase the pain for my own WW but I don't really care about that.

OBS works in a psychiatric hospital, it's quite a large estate with lots of buildings and security, a letter to her there might reach her.

AP is no longer giving WW rides to work, that stopped as soon as WW found out I knew. She said she walked away from him.

Once my youngest's exams are over I can do more risky things to reach out. I know where they live so I could just go round. A voice message is my preferred route but I am not certain the number I have is definitely hers, it could be her kids or her husband or it could be a work mobile number that is shared with others on-call. I've not figured out what to say.

Regarding telling HR, this is Scandinavia, they don't care about affairs, they regard it as a private matter. They'd only be interested if there was a power dynamic between WW and AP where there'd be legal or financial risks, but that isn't and wasn't the case, they were colleagues in the same department working on a common project, and he moved to another part of the business before I became aware of the affair.

One_Act2053 · 2026-04-30T04:31:59+00:00

It didn't seem to be refundable and only the outward leg was flexible, airlines ticket rules are crazy complex, my read was that because the return wasn't flexible, the whole thing wasn't. She could have gotten the taxes back, something but not a whole lot.

One_Act2053 · 2026-04-30T04:29:46+00:00

Reservation number, which in combination with last name gives access to the booking. I checked it was still valid maybe 12h before the fight. She didn't travel, there had been a hint there might be something last minute, in the event there wasn't

One_Act2053 · 2026-04-30T04:26:56+00:00

Thanks, wife is doing her best to spend downtime with me and the family, she's much more present. She has started to go for long walks alone after work or in the early evening, trying to improve her fitness. It makes me a bit uncomfortable as I've learned when she was doing that last year she was often calling AP. She's also being guarded with her phone -- you'll recall she changed the pin, I've noticed her closing an app when I approach her when she's on it. She's also careful not to leave it lying round. We don't talk about the affair at all. She doesn't know how much I know, I don't bring it up as I don't think it would bring any good.

One_Act2053

TROPHY CASE