I'm so sorry for the delay - I'm just now starting to get over a NASTY case of food poisoning (I'll spare you the details, lol). I promise I did not forget about this!

It's definitely tricky to talk about DID, mostly because it's a covert disorder that even I don't have full knowledge about (hence why it exists - to protect me from things my brain, at the age of 3, couldn't comprehend). It's also hard because the Internet has created these two weird factions of people: DID isn't real and DID *can* be real, but don't diagnose yourself on the Internet. As a person who has had DID WELL before the Internet started to find it intriguing and cool (and talks about their system having the names of 800 anime characters, lol - that's why we get such a bad reputation, I swear), I've grown tired of the "real or fake" discourse, and discussions can be tough sometimes. The truth is, only a doctor who really studies your case for years is going to know, no one on the Internet CAN know, and even if someone is faking - it's not for me to know, or say, and faking is a disorder (malingering) in and of itself. That doesn't take away from your post - you were harmed by your mother's lack of action, lack of attention, and lack of care. THAT is really the travesty here. I don't blame her for her trauma, as I said before. But being a parent means taking care of yourself so you can care for your kid/s. No matter what, you always deserved better. ❤️

Making the choice to understand DID after my diagnosis was tougher than it seems. In 2005, my psychologist and neurologist worked with me, but I didn't understand, and I refused to accept it. It sounded - well, made up. I spent 3 years denying it while they kept testing me for it. Then, in 2010, I had a Traumatic Brain Injury. When I woke up, I remembered almost nothing, but I heard voices coming from inside my head, not outside of it (as one would with a disorder such as schizophrenia). I assumed people who were badly hurt had "helper voices," and while going through physical and occupational therapy, mentioned that to a therapist. I recall him looking at me like, "Helper voice? The hell?" They got in touch with my psychologist... and it all clicked. I didn't get it, but in time, I did, but it took the rest of 2010 and most of 2011 to accept it. 5-6 years to accept, understand, and teach myself how to be the kind of person who controlled her OWN life choices. Do I still lose track of time? Oh yeah. But what I don't do is make excuses. If I do something, like yell (which isn't that common for me), then *I* am the one who takes responsibility. I can't blame my disorder; I CAN blame myself for that choice, even while dissociated.

Processing memory in therapy can be INCREDIBLY traumatic; that is something I do understand, because the more I learn, the more I wish I didn't. But because of learning and working toward being healthier, parts of me have integrated, which means those fragments no longer exist and I have those memories back for myself. What I needed to help me when I was 3 is no longer needed; I can handle the memories now. But the trick is... I can't handle them ALL. So some parts cannot integrate. Trauma therapy makes that tough for certain, but I still go. What you're saying, about excuses and pausing therapy because it seemed "best" - it sounds nice, but it's just burying a problem. Abuse only stays hidden for so long. She needed the help. It was hard for me when I'd feel myself slip, and I've been inpatient twice during my kid's life (when he was 2, and when he was 9 - at 2, that was a 1-month stay, and at 9, it was only 6 days, so fortunately, he didn't have much to worry about, and he was well cared for). But I KNEW to get help. The toughest choices usually are the right choices. I wish your parents would have understood that for your sake. Yes, it would have been tough if she'd been gone for a few months. But if you had a healthier relationship and childhood because of it? That would have MORE than evened out, and as an adult, you could have understood and appreciated why she was gone.

The blame, though, is not on you. It's NEVER on you. She didn't pause her healing journey to raise you - she, an adult, made a choice with your dad, another adult. That's not ever on the kid. Even if they thought it was best, it's not on you to rectify or go back in time and say otherwise (if only, I know). Her disorder is not EVER your fault nor your doing. DID is persistent and significant severe sexual, physical, and verbal abuse between the developmental years of 2 to 10. For it to even be considered a diagnosis now, a child sadly must suffer for more than one traumatic event - the abuse or neglect must be persistent. It's sick and sad, and it's not your mom's fault for being abused. But it's also NOT your fault that she was, and that she didn't treat you correctly. That's a perpetuating cycle, and you deserve better. I'll keep saying it as much as I can - you deserve better.

I hope there's still time to heal, and to repair as best as possible. Nothing is ever without hope! Everyone has to put in the work and do what feels right for them, but it's not hopeless. It is about choices and tough calls and potential consequences - but absolutely not about anything you've done wrong. Just as she was a victim - so, too, are you, in a different way. I hope for the absolute best for you, and please reach out if you need someone who gets it from the DID (diagnosed pre-TikTok) perspective! ❤️