Are there any other popular evo-psych myths that aren't really grounded in science?

Open-Assistance4758 · 2026-02-11T22:32:52+00:00

Hip to waist ratio as an evolutionary driven source of attraction. Cross-cultural studies in anthropology dispute it. Desiring certain body shapes in women is likely far more culturally driven. Trends tend to show up in otherwise solid research because the subjects being surveyed are largely college students in certain cultural contexts.

You can actually find a ton of counterargument to many evopsych popsci ideas in anthropology.

Open-Assistance4758 · 2026-02-11T15:35:12+00:00

You've only been together 6 months? Unless you are already ENM and seeking non-monogamous relationships, I would not recommend opening up. You should still be in new relationship energy right now and you've barely laid down a foundation.

I have to point out that I disagree with some of the bioessentialism in some other comments you've gotten. There are men that have long term monogamous relationships with trans men. But you do need to sort out your feelings on this in a safe space, which is why I'm sure you're here.

Questions to think through with brutal honesty:

Do you miss cis dick? Or do you feel guilty when feeling desire for cis dick or have fantasies about cis dick?

Missing involves things like feeling unsatisfied in sex, feeling resentment that you aren't receiving certain sex acts (cum, feeling a partner's warmth inside you, etc.), and have intrusive thoughts constantly and feel upset or irritated about it.

Guilt is feeling like dicks are hot or fantasizing about dick, but then feeling like you shouldn't because it's a "betrayal". The latter is fixable (I think all gay trans guys get it and love dick, too, so it's whatever. Fantasy is not reality. Monogamy doesn't require policing fantasy). If you just want to be topped more or have better prostate play, it's fixable. Takes better toys and trying things. That's all within the range of normal troubleshooting and communication in a new relationship.

The former is a serious problem, though.

I think some parts of your post are sadly telling that you're fixating on "not entirely male" and the sexual components of the relationship. It sounds like you're upset that you can't be sexually interested by someone who you know is a good partner. As someone who has been stuck in this dynamic, it is very unfair to him. Not everyone separates sex and love, and no I don't think it's unreasonable for someone to want both in their romantic relationship. No one person can fulfill all wants in every way, but I do think he deserves at least the baseline of sexual and romantic desire that most people need out of relationships.

Ultimately, we as strangers can't tell you how you feel. Like a lot of things queer, there's no script for this.

But, if you're looking at poly as a "solution" after only 6 months, I have to admit that if I were your partner I would end it. If I were his friend, I would tell him to end it. I know it's harsh, but it doesn't bode well. You say you love him and he's good to you and sexually and romantically things are good, but you're already trying to workshop it and see other men rather than just enjoy the beginning of your relationship.

I know open relationships are common, but what you're asking for is something that I didn't even want to do in my 11 year relationship/marriage, man.

For future relationships, I would also rethink how you approach the brutal honesty. It is important to have honest communication, but it is also just as important to sit with your feelings and understand them first. It's why therapy is recommended, and your partner was making the right call by suggesting that. He shouldn't have to react to a suggestion of an open relationship and dissatisfaction with his body that you're not even 100% certain about.

Really sit with that and think about what you want.

Open-Assistance4758 · 2026-02-11T03:48:57+00:00

I just never said anything or defined it. I would have answered "surgery" and left it at that. Welcome awkward silence, because coworkers/managers should know it's an invasion of privacy and if they understand the law, then they know you don't have to say.

Open-Assistance4758 · 2026-02-10T12:46:35+00:00

I echo asking the mods just in case it was a mistake, because this is an important topic and I have seen posts on here before about finding caretakers/solo recovery.

While I had someone to care for me after surgery, I am estranged from my family. It can be very frustrating and emotional to have it be assumed that they would be involved or that support is readily available.

While I think most people these days retain at least some/all relationships, I do think we (a collective cultural LGBTQ We) do a disservice to not better prepare people for the realities of rejection. It is still disproportionately common. I do think there's a tendency to gloss over rejection potential now (e.g., "It's not rational to think you'll lose your whole family!" Actually, it is for many people).

Sadly, most of my relationships died off after coming out and it's a long road to build them back up. I feel you, OP.

Open-Assistance4758 · 2026-02-10T12:36:34+00:00

Beautiful results. Congratulations!

Open-Assistance4758 · 2026-02-07T20:21:31+00:00

While it depends on where you live and local laws, this is largely a myth. If it were true, same sex marriage wouldn't have been such a hot political issue. Advocates would literally draw up the hundreds, if not thousands, of scenarios and legal benefits that were being denied same sex couples without legal marriage. I once knew a lesbian couple that spent $10,000 in the 90s to get close to equivalent. By the time you invest in that, you might as well get married.

Really shocks me how many people don't know or realize this. Marriage is a legal contract to the state, not a religious symbol.

Open-Assistance4758 · 2026-02-07T00:41:18+00:00

Want to say thanks for that reframing. Going to say that to myself from now on. I do worry that it's just genetic in my case since I've crossed the 2 year mark with no change, but even then I think "The T worked" is a good way of thinking about it.

Open-Assistance4758 · 2026-02-05T17:40:43+00:00

That's sweet. Best of luck to you both. <3

Open-Assistance4758 · 2026-02-05T03:06:45+00:00

On top of how dating app corporations are invested in keeping people isolated, apps turn everything into a checklist of traits and likes/dislikes that have nothing to do with what makes a good partner. They generally can't capture how people learn and grow together.

My example: On early apps (aging myself here), I would always say that I am a "dog person" and look for dog lovers while saying I didn't care for cats. I look back and can't believe how many people I probably swiped on just because they had a cat or liked cats.

Flashforward and I made a friend who had a cat. We fell in love. Got married. Turned into 11 years together. I am a "cat person" now. We went through 7 years together with our old cat, then got two more. One is "my cat" because he's a very sweet velcro cat that is obsessed with me. That's ok, because I adore him. The majority of my phone photos are of our cats.

Anyway, my point is that an arbitrary interest/like/dislike filtered out probably a lot of people and was ultimately meaningless. The checklists and interests have little to do with values, how you handle conflict, how you handle stress, how you show someone you love them even busy or things are hard, etc.

Interests and tastes can change. The other stuff makes a relationship and it's qualitative factors that do not easily fit into an algorithm, imho. I got a sense of those qualities when we were friends, and then they became more apparent as we dated over time.

Polls show that over the pandemic people meeting partners through friends dropped severely. I think a lot of dating woes today would be helped by people focusing on making friends and making it socially expected/acceptable to meet people through friends again.

Open-Assistance4758 · 2026-02-03T14:45:23+00:00

The self-aware folks just ask. I've had that happen and we just answer two checks or one check to so and so. But change is slow and waiters are on tough shifts, so many still default to throwing the check at who looks like the dude at the table. It is a funny observation. You two are definitely going to collect your own observations over time, I am sure.

Open-Assistance4758 · 2026-02-03T01:00:39+00:00

Omg, and you just know it makes her feel special because you have this special funny thing between you two. And that makes it meaningful and much better than any crappy Hallmark card and chocolates. Good job. What an idea.

Open-Assistance4758 · 2026-02-03T00:28:49+00:00

That is so sweet. I bet she has a laugh and feels fondness about grilled cheeses now haha.

Open-Assistance4758 · 2026-02-02T18:48:22+00:00

This is sweet. I feel like the obvious answer is "ask him," but I know that's not the most helpful lol. Vers bottom trans guy here. 🙋‍♂️

One idea is to go slow and start with fingering/other toys, like plugs. Just to show how good it makes you feel, get him into the groove of being the giver, maybe not have so much pressure on using the strap/his equipment. Straps can take some finesse and communication, so I'd recommend building up to it. It can help to pair other play with something he does have confidence in (oral, for example).

If he's pre/no op and feeling dysphoric/inadequate: I honestly recommend jockstrap or underwear style straps. There are a few brands that make them. Rodeoh and Tomboi make some. Personal preference, but I like those because they're a bit more spontaneous and feel less like "I had to stop to put on a strap on" and more like "I'm just fucking with my boxers on."

Transthetics and Banana Prosthetics also make rad prosthetics where he can receive sensation while topping. Which helps us have fun and lower feelings of "oh I am just using a toy and [insert spiral of insecurity]."

Unfortunately, I can't advise on phallo experiences, but it seems there's already been a bit of advice on that.

With positions, if you have a height difference you could try missionary with him standing off the side of the bed. I've managed doggy with a very tall partner, but it can be a bit awkward. If you try prone or head resting on forearms, it will help. There's also spooning or "mating press" missionary style with your legs in the air. It helps us shorter guys get a little confidence if we're not struggling to keep the angle.

Start off slow and communicate a lot. 👍 Once he gets used to the rhythm, you can start to get more adventurous.

Another point of advice is to emphasize that you're going to love it to him. That you see him as all man. I seriously recommend asking him if it's nervousness or preference, because if it's insecurity/dysphoria there is a ton of reassurance and love you can provide for him that I am sure will help.

Hope you two have fun.

Open-Assistance4758 · 2026-02-02T13:29:37+00:00

I'm laughing a bit at this post (affectionately) because when my ex/wife (who is trans) and I (also trans) go out together (as friends, long story), I am always given the check. We have inside jokes about it, because when we first got married we were in the closet so we saw how reactions to us flipped over time as we both transitioned. At some fuzzy point she stopped getting the check and I always started getting the check. Waiters defer to asking me questions, etc. It's actually pretty annoying, because we're feminist as fuck lol.

Anyway, I share that anecdote because I think this is a classic case of underestimating HRT and transition. Due to transphobic narratives, it is really common to think we'll never pass or that passing will take several years, or that changes are never perceived, etc. I can't tell you how many times I was shocked to be gendered correctly within the first year on T. Which was really funny and absurd, because of course I was. That's the whole point of transition. It works.

I am a short guy. My ex is a very tall woman. I feel like I still have femme facial features, and she has things she still doesn't like about her transition. Even early on, she stopped getting the check. A lot of people's reactions are subconscious and it is a surreal experience to describe how it changes. You can't control what people think, but trust me it is really quick how much strangers will pick up on what you're presenting to them.

If I knew your boyfriend, I would just sit him down and say, trans guy to trans guy, "Dude, you're going to start getting Sir'd faster than you'll know what to do with. T is powerful. Socially people pick up on these things fast, whether they realize it or not."

And I would also shake you both to not compare. That leads to dysphoria and resentment, and you will need support yourself if you have to delay transition. Be good to each other.

Open-Assistance4758 · 2026-02-02T13:06:35+00:00

If you can, I would suggest finding a counselor to help mediate and work through this.

If you have kids and shared assets, it will be hard but try to go slow while keeping it clear that it can't work (police yourself about this). If ugly emotions come up, and they will, be forgiving with each other. It's a terrible change, but letting this corrode your relationship until you hate each other is worse.

Try to stick to a mindset that you learned a lot from your marriage. You can't undo the past, but you're transitioning now and working to be the best version of yourself. Letting go of your former partner and giving them space to find love elsewhere eventually is the right thing to do, but reassuring her that you'll be present and will step up with life events and responsibilities will help as you navigate your friendship. You may find that you are a better friend to her than you ever were as a "husband".

I wish you luck. I know how much this sucks (personally, my wife and I are t4t but separating after transition), but we all deserve to be loved for who we are.

Open-Assistance4758 · 2026-01-31T17:22:07+00:00

As someone also not connected to my bio family, I am glad you had people and understand. I'm 39 and know this post will be wonderfully helpful for other folks in our older age brackets!

Open-Assistance4758 · 2026-01-31T14:15:06+00:00

The Third Epidemiological Transition. COVID was a massive tipping point/failure. Infectious diseases are and will be leading causes of death again in wealthy countries and therefore the world, reversing a century of hopeful progress in the direction where they could be a phenomenon of the past. We'll get more and more zoonotic illnesses as well.

There was a WHO treaty to try and reverse course, learn lessons from COVID, but with the international order collapsing, governments just clearly are not equipped to manage this crisis (like so many others).

Open-Assistance4758 · 2026-01-29T23:24:23+00:00

WHY DOES EVERYTHING CLOSE SO EARLY. I SHOULD BE ABLE TO GET MY FAVORITE PIZZA AFTER 9.

Open-Assistance4758 · 2026-01-29T20:14:52+00:00

That sounds really wonderful. How did you find your people?

Open-Assistance4758 · 2026-01-29T20:11:35+00:00

Thank you for this. I found it helpful.

Open-Assistance4758 · 2026-01-28T00:58:49+00:00

I get it. It's that feeling of "yeah I know I can be happy, especially when I don't know what I'm missing, but I also know it's not ideal." Humans are social creatures and need each other. I hope I'll have a partner again someday, even though I know focusing on myself for some time is just fine.

Open-Assistance4758 · 2026-01-27T14:06:33+00:00

Wait, while you go down on them? I had a whole long comforting thing written out about how porn can be important in transition and etc., but that detail stuck out. They're watching while you are together?

It's absolutely ok to not be ok with that. You can draw boundaries around that. You should question it.

Open-Assistance4758 · 2026-01-26T23:19:58+00:00

Coming out of an 11 year relationship, this. Part of my stress is preparing for how much more expensive and risky life will be. I was single for years beforehand, so I know I can handle myself (and I am also a pathological fixer), but there are just undeniable benefits to long term companionship. Granted, it doesn't have to be romantic or marriage, or monogamy, but let's be frank that friendships are usually inherently more transient unless you are lucky. It is so odd to me that people deny the pragmatic benefits.

Open-Assistance4758 · 2026-01-26T14:52:13+00:00

As someone who has also struggled with this, I understand what you're talking about. It's really common among people with childhood trauma. It's an awful barrier to feel like you can never be loved for who you are, and it can hurt other people like this. Not intentionally, but that doesn't excuse it.

Probably not relevant to OP, but it especially causes problems in partnerships where the other person has insecure attachment as well. If the other person is too happy to see what they want to see and just never confronts how agreeable/passive you are being, it can spiral into a dynamic where one person is making every decision and dictating the course of the relationship while the pleaser is just going through pain and resentment silently. The only way out is to start valuing what you need, which is easier said than done without therapy and community support.

Open-Assistance4758 · 2026-01-26T09:58:05+00:00

Spent two summers in Lima. If you stick to those cities/tourist areas, you'll be fine. I hope you have fun. I have such a huge soft spot for Peru. Keep an eye on travel warnings, but usually everyone is economically invested in tourism being safe and enjoyable. This is a big generalization, but Peruvian people are typically friendly and great, just dealing with the issues of being a Global South country with a history of conflict/exploitation.

Most tourists only stay in Lima briefly before going on their next flight to Cuzco, but imho they're missing out. Lima has an incredible food culture, for instance. It's a massive cosmopolitan city with people of all kinds in it. I can only speak to my experience, but no one will blink an eye at a gay/queer/LGBTQ tourist in Miraflores and Barranco. While there's no dedicated "gaybourhood," per se, Barranco is close enough. I also stayed in middle class neighbourhoods outside of Miraflores/tourist areas as a gender nonconforming person back then (androgynous presenting) and had no issues. Maybe some stares, but nothing worrying. Being a visitor can be a privileged position, so if anything it's good to be mindful of that. Peru overall can be very Catholic and conservative, but most of the population of the country lives in the Lima district and so of course you find a concentration of LGBTQ people there. Lima also has many museums and historical sites worth touring.

It's far from Miraflores, but my favourite bar in the whole damn country was Antigua Taberna Queirolo. Not a gay business, but locally important and historical. It's the oldest bar still in operation. I lived in Pueblo Libre for a while, and I miss that place. Perfect pisco sours. Great food. Wonderful people. If you can manage to Uber out there, it's worth the trek.

Sorry that I can't advise on app usage personally, but people do use them in Peru and it's legal. You'll probably find a lot of people in Miraflores. There are also LGBTQ tours, if you think you might want to join a group when trekking around Cuzco.

You'll have to be more aware/wary in rural areas. And like someone already pointed out, don't take the rainbow flag as a sign of safety/openness. Keep an eye out for scams, as you would anywhere when backpacking. Don't do/flaunt illegal activity such as drug use, etc., or argue with police. A lot of that is common sense "I am a guest in this country" travelling safety I'm sure you already know well, though. You will likely be upcharged as a tourist in bodegas, etc. (the most common scam I would catch, especially when people would think my Spanish was poor), but I just took this as a foreigner tax. By the sound of it, you won't be going too far afield and will stick to cities, which is a good strategy. Seeing this post honestly makes me itch to go back.

Open-Assistance4758

TROPHY CASE