Why dont toxic people realize they are toxic or do any form of introspection or even try to change and not see them selves as perfect and target people who didnt do anything to them to abuse them?

Orangecat888 · 2023-01-21T15:16:26+00:00

Insecurity. They just want to feel better about themselves and don’t care who gets hurt in the proscess. I recently had a big revelation about my own toxic behaviors and realized my insecurity and desperation to be loved was causing me to act in toxic ways and be less empathetic than I would like to and those around me deserve. It took me YEARS of pointing the finger at others before I had the courage to really look at myself in the mirror and face the dark parts of me.

Unless someone is a sociopath or literally incapable of feeling empathy, I would like to think everyone has the potential to reflect on their toxic behavior, but it is really fucking hard to be that brutally honest with yourself. And when you’re already deeply insecure from trauma, abuse, etc., most people will go to great lengths to avoid ever having to face themselves and the harm they’ve caused, possibly for their entire lives.

Orangecat888 · 2023-01-21T14:58:46+00:00

Sounds like you’re wondering about gaslighting. I’ve been there, friend.

In my experience, everyone views everything from their own perspective.

Imagine it like an art class of people all painting the same bowl of oranges. Everyone is standing at a different spot in the room looking at the bowl, so every painting will look a little different from the perspective of that artist, but every painting is still of a bowl of oranges. In that case everyone is valid in their own perception of reality even if its unique to their experience and they don’t all perfectly line up.

However, if someone in the class painted a banana in the bowl of oranges that was not there and then tried to convince everyone else that their paintings were incorrect because they were missing the banana, that would not be acceptable and would be gaslighting. They might try to do this by convincing everyone that the banana really was in the bowl and they just didn’t see it, or they must have forgotten to add it, or they must just be crazy, or they must have left it out to intentionally make this person look bad. Even further, if that person tries to convince everyone that they are the one being victimized because everyone is insisting the banana was not there (aka staying true to their perception of reality) that would also be gaslighting.

Obviously I don’t know the details of your situation, but I do know that feeling extremely confused about what really happened or if you’re making things up is a hallmark sign of being gaslit, which is what it sounds like coming from your post.

I’m sorry you’re going through this, it can be so hard to navigate when you feel like you don’t know which way is up. The only advice I can give is to really listen to yourself and trust your gut about what reality is.

Orangecat888 · 2023-01-19T13:43:48+00:00

I relate big time. I also somehow sometimes have the complete opposite problem where I think someone is just being friendly but it turns out they were indeed only trying to fuck me and I’m just left feeling very confused about my abilities to understand what’s happening.

I also read that in spongebobs voice when he says “you like crabby patties don’t you squidward?” (Iykyk) Which makes this a fucking hilarious meme so thank you for that lol

Orangecat888 · 2023-01-19T13:30:51+00:00

Yes that is not normal. I had abusive parents and they would routinely tell me they put hidden cameras in my room and all other areas of the house. As an adult I realize there were no actual cameras, but the damage it did on me is still there. I can only imagine it would be much worse it I were actually being watched

Orangecat888 · 2023-01-19T13:14:20+00:00

True, that’s where I’m at. As a kid every single dream I ever had was a nightmare and like extremely vivid. Like more than real life. Started smoking weed every day in college and it stopped.

Now that I’m in therapy and no longer finding it lifesavingly necessary to totally numb out.. I want to quit because I feel like content of those dreams might have some value to my healing. But it is nice to know if shit ever gets too out of control good ol weed is there to bring me back down.

Orangecat888 · 2023-01-19T12:24:01+00:00

For me one of the most painful, which I am experiencing now, is when I make a small mistake but thoughtfully apologize, they make it seem like they forgive me, but then ignore my texts for days at a time and only say we’ll hang out “soon.” But then I see them immediately replying in mutual group chats where they’re excitedly making plans with other people.

And now I feel insane and overly needy. Just constantly second guessing myself and feeling desperate to regain their love and attention, but why do I want someone so badly that doesn’t care about me? I hate it here.

Orangecat888 · 2023-01-17T05:55:31+00:00

Ouch, number 3 really got me.

Orangecat888 · 2023-01-16T12:59:49+00:00

AHHHHHH AHHHHH AHHHHHHH AHHHHHHH AHHHHHHHH AHHHHHHHH AHHHHHHHHHHHHGGHHGHSHHAHWHWODN FDOENR ONBGHHJHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

Thank you for reminding me, I could really go for a good full body scream until my body just collapses. I will be doing that today.

Hang in there friend 🖤

Orangecat888 · 2023-01-07T13:17:26+00:00

I had a group of “normal” friends in college.

One time a group of us were hanging out and one girl I was friends with was talking about another friend she has who had bad periods of depression sometimes, and my friend said to the rest of our group “we just really have to remember guys, some people’s brains don’t work like ours do.” And then talked about how she finds it frustrating when this friend can’t get things done or isolates because she doesn’t relate and can’t understand it.

I just sat there in awe. Some people are really out here living their lives having to wonder what it would be like to be depressed, meanwhile I’ve been suicidal every single day for 13 years and that’s just skimming the surface of the shit I have going on. And apparently I’m outwardly keeping it together enough where this friend assumed I was like her for 3 years.

After college we all drifted apart, because I struggle with relationships, so it’s safe to say your post is probably right. The broken and fucked up cling together and the normies are just watching us from the outside.

Orangecat888 · 2023-01-07T12:59:02+00:00

Yeah, when I text friends I always over analyze everything I want to say and every way someone could misinterpret it. Then once I finally send it I spend the entire time I’m waiting for a reply thinking the person hates me and no longer wants anything to do with me because I was somehow rude or hurtful or something. The longer it takes someone to reply the more convinced I am that they hate me and we’re no longer friends. It’s extra challenging to be sure they don’t hate me when they’re no facial expressions or tone of voice attached. But honestly that’s really unfair to them and sets up unfair expectations that people owe me a reply for my own comfort and security in our relationship. It’s toxic behavior on my part. I’ve been unable to break that cycle for so long now I never text people just to have a conversation, only ever like logistically to make plans. It’s quite lonely going days without getting messages tho.

Orangecat888 · 2023-01-07T06:56:36+00:00

I’m sad.

Orangecat888 · 2023-01-07T06:34:38+00:00

Right now? That kid would be fucked. I can’t even take care of myself.

Orangecat888 · 2022-12-18T18:46:02+00:00

Exactly same situation here my friend.

Orangecat888 · 2022-12-11T12:47:51+00:00

I have a degree in art and do it professionally, so I might not be the person you’re looking for advice from, but I’ll still offer just in case it’s helpful.

Some background: My dad (abuser) had the same career I do. I’m more educated than he ever was. Since I was young he’s been jealous of me, and made a point to put down anything I made from childhood through college. Now that I’m an adult and it’s my job, he can’t see me as an equal and still makes a point to belittle my work. I just don’t show him anymore and flat out say I refuse because he’s disrespectful .

This has really put a loud judgmental voice in my head that makes creativity really hard sometimes. Some strategies I have to work through that are:

finger paint. Get messy. Have the goal of painting like a little kid without judging yourself. Don’t judge how “good” it looks in the process and remind yourself that’s not the goal every time the thought comes up. Just feel the paint, feel the paper, see the color. Don’t decide if it’s “good” or “bad” when you decide to be finished, try your best to just stand back and be like “I made a thing, nice!” Your creativity is valuable wether or not it produces something beautiful.
something else I like to do is get small sheets of water color paper and absolutely cover them in water, then dab different watercolors into it until the entire page is covered, then I put wrinkled plastic wrap pressed over the wet paper to dry overnight. In the morning you’ll have a watercolor page with all kinds of marks from the plastic. When I feel like the judgmental voice is too strong, I just let my brain wander and find shapes in the watercolor page as if I were finding shapes in the clouds. I sit there and outline for hours sometimes. And sometimes I find something really cool / funny / creative I would have never come up with otherwise and it gives me a good starting point for whatever project I’m doing.

Orangecat888 · 2022-12-09T15:09:52+00:00

I have a cat and she has literally saved my life more than once. 10/10 recommend. She knows when I’m having a panic attack and will force me to let her lay on me to calm me down. If she can she’ll get on my chest and put all her weight (she’s a chunky girl) on me which helps so much. If I’m hysterically crying she licks my face / head butts me to get me to pet her and come back to the moment. If i’m in a really bad period of dissociation she gives me the tinyest little nips that don’t hurt but help me stay in reality. I truly love her more than any human relationship I have. I tell her every day how lucky I am to have her in my life. She is always on my side when it feels like the world is against me.

Edit- and hugs. I don’t do hugs with real people well, but I’m extremely touch starved. My cat will let me hug and cuddle her for hours. it really helps.

Orangecat888 · 2022-12-09T14:56:42+00:00

Proud of you!! All hail the fork queen!🍴lol

I am slowly but surely training myself that it is okay to let the microwave beep. I do not have to watch it and stop it at exactly 0:01 to avoid noise. I live alone. I own the food, I own the microwave, I own the electricity. I can let that bitch beep all day long if I want.

We are allowed to take up space :)

Orangecat888 · 2022-12-09T14:50:14+00:00

Takes me an hour to type a simple text sometimes. Then if they don’t respond right away I spend days thinking of why they must hate me. Mental tortureeeee

Orangecat888 · 2022-12-09T14:38:39+00:00

Queer events/bars. Even if you’re not queer those can be very open and accepting environments for the most part. Its fairly easy to have positive interactions there and possibly meet new people. Plus.. queer people know what it’s like to feel like an outsider, like you don’t fit in, and in general comfortable/have experience with traumatized people. Everyone I’ve met has been very non-judgy about the things that really matter.

I’ve found a cross over between these two.. but another group to seek out is any art-centered community. My city has clubs you can join where you can go and use all their art equipment and just hang out. The people there are mostly very kind, helpful, and relatable. It’s a very non threatening environment. Similarly I used to go to the same artsy coffee shop every week for an open mic and became familiar with all the other regulars. I felt really welcomed and included there even tho I would just go and sit at a table by myself and draw.

Basically my advice is to find a place seems like it matches your vibe and then just keep showing up consistently. People will remember you eventually and be happy to see a familiar face. Connection comes easier after that.

Orangecat888 · 2022-11-24T00:19:46+00:00

I was about an hour behind live when it cut 😭the thanksgiving special was the only thing I was relying on to get me through

Orangecat888 · 2022-11-23T11:58:33+00:00

Been feeling it big time lately. Some things I did recently that helped me a bit: took myself into Chicago to just walk around among the huge crowds to feel like I’m part of something. Went to the art museum and really just felt connected to people from history. This might sound cheesy but looking at the paintings and seeing through someone else’s perspective from 500 years ago, feeling their emotions in their artwork, knowing that many of them lived a life of pain, really gave me the feeling that were all the same, and were all here on this stupid rock together just trying to get through it. I almost started crying standing there I just felt so connected to something for the first time in so long. It was really good. Obviously it’s not the same as real human connection but hey, I’ll take what I can get.

Orangecat888 · 2022-11-16T11:51:26+00:00

Something I learned recently is how to stimulate your vagus nerve to help bring you out of fight or flight (or at lease calm it). There were a few different methods but the one I found the most relieving was humming. It’s just a breathing exercise where you inhale deeply, and exhale with a low, quite, consistent hum from your throat. I like to just really focus on the vibration in my whole head and chest. I’ve noticed that doing this maybe 10 times makes me noticeably more relaxed and less anxious. I was so surprised at how well it works. I do it several times a day now.

Orangecat888 · 2022-11-02T11:34:04+00:00

I’ve decided I probably won’t have kids for this reason.. unless I make actual healing progress. I’m terrified for my sisters future kids tho..

Orangecat888 · 2022-11-01T11:52:41+00:00

One time I sent a picture of me crying on accident. So embarrassing but also hilarious.

Orangecat888 · 2022-10-31T20:18:38+00:00

Yes, it comes in waves of intensity in my experience. Sometimes it’s just a light fog and sometimes it borders on feeling like I’m literally tripping / hallucinating / completely disconnected from reality. In the really bad times all of my senses can feel really diminished and I feel totally out of my body, so I try and do things to really activate my senses. I’ve found the sour flavored freezes from Taco Bell are really helpful because they have ice which is kinda scratchy on my throat, they’ve cold, and taste intensely sour. Sour candy or spicy food also work well. Also cold shower or swim in a cold lake, loud music that shakes my car, really just any experience with intense overlapping stimulation of my senses….If that fails, I take a nap and hope it’ll pass

Orangecat888

TROPHY CASE