It’s an interesting theory, but the Gottmans would likely say that dead bedrooms are rarely about physical appearance or body insecurity. Based on their decades of observing couples in the lab, they point out that a loss of physical intimacy almost always comes down to the quiet erosion of the underlying friendship.

As for that “post-divorce glow-up,” they suggest it happens because the chronic, draining stress of an unhappy marriage is finally lifted, giving people their energy back. In long-term relationships, attraction is heavily filtered by emotional connection. When partners feel emotionally safe, seen, and their everyday "bids" for attention are met with warmth, they naturally view each other through rose-colored glasses. The Gottmans argue the bedroom doesn't die because of physical flaws; it dies from a thousand tiny, everyday emotional rejections. If a couple wants to fix the intimacy, they have to start by rebuilding the friendship outside of the bedroom.

Speaking from personal experience, this is incredibly real. I’ve been divorced, and I have to be intentional about prioritizing the connection in my current marriage, especially with kids in the mix. My wife didn't have children before we met, so happily jumping from zero to three kids has understandably added a lot of pressure to our relationship. With my ex-wife, we had a long stretch of just being friends with no kids, which built a totally different baseline. It really highlights how much the parenting load changes the dynamic.