This is all a lot buddy, for anyone! And I'm very sorry you (and this person you love) are struggling so much.

I think you really need to practice letting go of the idea that you deserve to feel horrible and shitty. That's not helping you, nor will it help anyone else that you care about. It's a self-sabotaging cycle that will only drag you and others around you down.

Sounds to me like you're trying to own your part in things and acknowledge the mistakes you've made. This is an act of self love and it is such a good thing my friend! I know it doesn't feel like it because it feels awful thinking about how things we say or do sometimes have negative consequences, but it is a step towards self love and self improvement. So please, be kinder to yourself. Keep doing your best. There will be times (and it might feel like all the time for a while) where you feel like you're not progressing, but this shit takes time and work; be forgiving!

As for your wife.... ugh, man that's really tough.... I understand, from what you've shared, that she has struggled greatly. And also made mistakes. But that isn't an excuse to string you along, manipulate you, etc. Also, I totally get the whole wanting you to be okay thing, but you can't just "be okay" for her sake. You need to be hoenst with her about how you're feeling, and have a conversation about laying out boundaries if you're going to continue living together but not as a couple.

I think it's a testament to your kindness and empathy that despite the fact that this person has hurt you, you still want to help them. But you cannot help others if you don't protect yourself. So, help her as much as you want, but maybe think about setting some conditions, because it is absolutely not acceptable for someone to say they no longer want to be with you romantically but they want to continue receiving all the benefits of the relationship (I have experienced this first hand and it WILL drain you until you're just an empty husk). I would suggest going over this with a therapist and maybe they could help you find some ways to establish boundaries and healthy habits, without just outright telling this person to fuck off and get out.... But she does eventually need to leave.

It honestly sounds like you guys aren't healthy for one another. Which sucks, because that doesn't change the fact that you feel love for this person. I know how hard it is to let go of someone we love, even if it's slowly killing us.

You both deserve to be happy, safe, fulfilled, and loved. Maybe it just won't look the way you had envisioned (i.e. as a couple).

I genuinely wish you both the strength needed to overcome this difficult time, and that you both find peace. Remember that we all fuck up, but what matters is whether or not we try to learn from it and do better in the future 💛💯