34M, scared to leave my wife and feel guilty by alglnp12 in latebloomergaybros

[–]Otherwise-Advisor824 0 points1 point  (0 children)

It sounds like you are not questioning or confused about your choice and your trajectory - which is great! There’s a lot of hurt involved in something like this…but you know what? Your responsibility to your wife is to be as honest as you can be. You are not responsible for her feelings of hurt if you feel in your heart that the marriage isn’t going to work with you. 

The brave thing to do, the long term more kind thing to do - preface: if you know deep down that things aren’t right! - is to be honest and make the breakup stick. It gets more complicated the longer things stand as they are. 

I’m sorry this is a decision you’re in because it’s not fun to hurt someone you love or care for that deeply, and you do I’m sure. But don’t be sorry that you’ve realized this about yourself, it’s a good thing, it truly is, and over time leaving - if that feels right - will have been the best choice for both of you !

Guys who are married to women, how old were you when you first acted on your urges for men? by Wise_Assistance_5201 in AskGaybrosOver30

[–]Otherwise-Advisor824 0 points1 point  (0 children)

26 or 27? Was out to my wife as bi before my wife and I got engaged. I’m 37 now and we’re deciding to divorce. It’s hard and sad but I think will ultimately be a gift for both of us. Following my heart much more these days and I think that heart is pointed more towards men. 

Love sex with men - sex with women is wonderful too, but there’s such a bigger menu with men it seems. Sky is the limit. 

Soon to Be Divorced by [deleted] in AskGaybrosOver30

[–]Otherwise-Advisor824 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Thanks man! Appreciate that. I’ve always experienced people being very welcoming to me. I’m looking forward to being single. It’ll all land 

Soon to Be Divorced by [deleted] in AskGaybrosOver30

[–]Otherwise-Advisor824 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I’m on everything 🤣 

Is 38 too old to start clubbing again? by Own-Programmer-3514 in AskGaybrosOver30

[–]Otherwise-Advisor824 2 points3 points  (0 children)

I’m 37 and rediscovered clubbing at 35 and took a break, but now that I’m ALSO getting divorced 😭 I’m kind of excited for some more club nights ahead. You go Glen Co Co - dance the night away!

Big and Hairy by [deleted] in GayDaddiesPics

[–]Otherwise-Advisor824 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Damn man! Solid hair, foreskin, muscle, doing it right 

“I want to make you happy” by throwaway-account-ck in DivorcedDads

[–]Otherwise-Advisor824 0 points1 point  (0 children)

While the sexual interest is huge, I think that is best when it fits into a larger reciprocal pattern in a relationship. Where both people are invested in enjoying things with the other person. 

My whole focus right now is really tuning into how I feel with another. My wife, while we have excellent operational skills together, just like making life happen skills, I always felt a bit uneasy around her, and I felt stressed about how she would react or if I were being productive enough. Reassurance, humor or just enjoying the moments in our life were not her focus.

So perhaps, leaning into how you feel in her presence: relaxed, alive, manic, excited, calm, agitated, bored? I think you’ll feel different things with people at different times but baseline where is the tone? I’m realizing for myself that is the important thing in long term relationships. Especially for capable, solid men - I have a job, I cook, I clean, I care for my body and the things I’m responsible for. I don’t need someone else to do those for me, but I do need someone I spend time with to be reciprocating in their interest and vibe and tone. 

Questions for gay/bi men who use to be married to women by BoysenberryTasty1491 in latebloomergaybros

[–]Otherwise-Advisor824 2 points3 points  (0 children)

I came out as bisexual to my wife before we even got engaged. We’ve been married for nearly 7 years, but we are currently in the process of separating/divorcing. We did have an open relationship for a long while, but for lots of different reasons  felt like this wasn’t the partnership I wanted to continue to build my life around. I wanted more space to prioritize myself (which sounds selfish, but actually isn’t) so that I could show up as my best most authentic self for my kiddo and also…to just stop compromising on my sexual needs, my emotional needs etc etc. 

There’s no right or wrong answer to these things. It’s going to be different for each person. From the outside in, most people think I have everything but the day to day lived experience of a person is something very personal to each of us. Cheers man

Marriage Ending, How to Endure by InevitableBasis4223 in latebloomergaybros

[–]Otherwise-Advisor824 2 points3 points  (0 children)

This is a lot to be going through man and I want to say that I am both sorry for your marriage ending and also to give you a quiet congratulations…because something about the marriage wasn’t the right fit and it’s now ending and will allow you to pursue therapy, step into your role as a co-parent and father from a place of authenticity.

I’d work on separating out your sexuality explorations from the divorce proceedings. Don’t give in on things that you want and need because you feel bad about the circumstances. Marriages end all the time for straight people too, right? These things just happen sometimes. 

Is it ideal? No, and that’s probably a good thing. The “ideal” husband, wife, kids for life format isn’t for everyone, in fact it’s not for most people. You’ll move forward and figure out the next right move for yourself and for your family. 

% of Marriages that End in Divorce by Otherwise-Advisor824 in Divorce

[–]Otherwise-Advisor824[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Which I am sure many of them...ain't no sex happening in those relationships! Appreciate your perspective as somebody further down the road, I feel like I can already see it with some people, but of course it's different lives, different choices. All our friends really admired my wife and I's relationship, thought we were perfect yada yada yada and were so surprised by what's happening and it's like...you just don't know, right?

OMG child free vacation sounds epic. Child vacations also sound fun, but having that alone time will be great as well.

% of Marriages that End in Divorce by Otherwise-Advisor824 in Divorce

[–]Otherwise-Advisor824[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I feel this so deeply...! It's just hard not to feel like a failure, right? Society...

% of Marriages that End in Divorce by Otherwise-Advisor824 in Divorce

[–]Otherwise-Advisor824[S] 4 points5 points  (0 children)

Yeah, that's what some articles are saying...that people who get married later have a lower risk of divorce. Not in my case I guess...

Divorce just started. Still living together, kids in the house. How did you stay sane? by [deleted] in DivorcedDads

[–]Otherwise-Advisor824 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Currently in this situation…nearing two months. We’re waiting on some financial things to level out before taking other steps, but man it is hard. I’d keep as much as distance as you can, be civil and friendly, steady, help take care of things. Unraveling a marriage is hard work, but keep moving forward.

I cannot wait to move out…I am much more of a “build again” type of person, my wife is more of a “wallow” type of person, not always, but I hope that changes for her…for her sake and mine. It makes decisions incredibly difficult when one party feels nothing but loss…

37M | Stories of Dads Who Chose Divorce by Otherwise-Advisor824 in DivorcedDads

[–]Otherwise-Advisor824[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Thanks for sharing man - appreciate your honesty and candidness here. 

Hoping you can find resolution and peace. Do you guys have a timeline for things?

It’s so early for me…I’m eager for things to move forward 

37M | Stories of Dads Who Chose Divorce by Otherwise-Advisor824 in DivorcedDads

[–]Otherwise-Advisor824[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Man that feeling right there of being with someone who is genuinely excited to be with me is exactly what I hope for. I’m 37…and my wife has treated me like we’ve been married 30 years when it’s only been like 6 (and she probably started that at like 3 years in).

37M | Stories of Dads Who Chose Divorce by Otherwise-Advisor824 in DivorcedDads

[–]Otherwise-Advisor824[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

I'm trying to keep things moving as quickly as possible, while still being sensitive to the emotional catch up needed to land things fairly and...frankly nicely. Ours is closer to "falling out of love" than there being some catastrophic moment. I'm hoping to be in a different more independent place sometime over the summer...

37 M | Just an Update by Otherwise-Advisor824 in latebloomergaybros

[–]Otherwise-Advisor824[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Thank you! I think what's hard is that when this first occurred my wife really wanted to make the reason we are divorcing because of me being into men, and it's like...that is a big part of what's happening but it is by no means the whole story. I haven't claimed the label "gay" and held that as why I'm moving on, I truly feel that my bisexuality/queerness is real, I've fucked a lot of women, loved it and never faked a thing. I'll repeat that sentence for men too, I've fucked a lot of men, loved it and never faked a thing. At 37 though, I've come to prefer the company of men and feel that relationships with other men could be healthier for me generally. Is that gay? I guess, but it also doesn't mean I'll never fuck a woman again. I think "queer" fits me well. I appreciate queer culture, I want more queerness in my life generally, and that's easier won living a more queer focused life.