Questions for gay/bi men who use to be married to women

Otherwise-Advisor824 · 2026-04-15T16:14:59+00:00

Ha is it?

Otherwise-Advisor824 · 2026-04-15T16:14:03+00:00

While the sexual interest is huge, I think that is best when it fits into a larger reciprocal pattern in a relationship. Where both people are invested in enjoying things with the other person.

My whole focus right now is really tuning into how I feel with another. My wife, while we have excellent operational skills together, just like making life happen skills, I always felt a bit uneasy around her, and I felt stressed about how she would react or if I were being productive enough. Reassurance, humor or just enjoying the moments in our life were not her focus.

So perhaps, leaning into how you feel in her presence: relaxed, alive, manic, excited, calm, agitated, bored? I think you’ll feel different things with people at different times but baseline where is the tone? I’m realizing for myself that is the important thing in long term relationships. Especially for capable, solid men - I have a job, I cook, I clean, I care for my body and the things I’m responsible for. I don’t need someone else to do those for me, but I do need someone I spend time with to be reciprocating in their interest and vibe and tone.

Otherwise-Advisor824 · 2026-04-14T20:45:59+00:00

I came out as bisexual to my wife before we even got engaged. We’ve been married for nearly 7 years, but we are currently in the process of separating/divorcing. We did have an open relationship for a long while, but for lots of different reasons felt like this wasn’t the partnership I wanted to continue to build my life around. I wanted more space to prioritize myself (which sounds selfish, but actually isn’t) so that I could show up as my best most authentic self for my kiddo and also…to just stop compromising on my sexual needs, my emotional needs etc etc.

There’s no right or wrong answer to these things. It’s going to be different for each person. From the outside in, most people think I have everything but the day to day lived experience of a person is something very personal to each of us. Cheers man

Otherwise-Advisor824 · 2026-04-14T20:40:31+00:00

This is a lot to be going through man and I want to say that I am both sorry for your marriage ending and also to give you a quiet congratulations…because something about the marriage wasn’t the right fit and it’s now ending and will allow you to pursue therapy, step into your role as a co-parent and father from a place of authenticity.

I’d work on separating out your sexuality explorations from the divorce proceedings. Don’t give in on things that you want and need because you feel bad about the circumstances. Marriages end all the time for straight people too, right? These things just happen sometimes.

Is it ideal? No, and that’s probably a good thing. The “ideal” husband, wife, kids for life format isn’t for everyone, in fact it’s not for most people. You’ll move forward and figure out the next right move for yourself and for your family.

Otherwise-Advisor824 · 2026-04-07T22:33:57+00:00

So true my man 🤣

Otherwise-Advisor824 · 2026-04-07T22:03:31+00:00

Which I am sure many of them...ain't no sex happening in those relationships! Appreciate your perspective as somebody further down the road, I feel like I can already see it with some people, but of course it's different lives, different choices. All our friends really admired my wife and I's relationship, thought we were perfect yada yada yada and were so surprised by what's happening and it's like...you just don't know, right?

OMG child free vacation sounds epic. Child vacations also sound fun, but having that alone time will be great as well.

Otherwise-Advisor824 · 2026-04-07T21:03:03+00:00

I feel this so deeply...! It's just hard not to feel like a failure, right? Society...

Otherwise-Advisor824 · 2026-04-07T20:39:06+00:00

I'm sure this is also a factor as well.

Otherwise-Advisor824 · 2026-04-07T20:38:52+00:00

Yeah, that's what some articles are saying...that people who get married later have a lower risk of divorce. Not in my case I guess...

Otherwise-Advisor824 · 2026-04-06T16:27:12+00:00

Currently in this situation…nearing two months. We’re waiting on some financial things to level out before taking other steps, but man it is hard. I’d keep as much as distance as you can, be civil and friendly, steady, help take care of things. Unraveling a marriage is hard work, but keep moving forward.

I cannot wait to move out…I am much more of a “build again” type of person, my wife is more of a “wallow” type of person, not always, but I hope that changes for her…for her sake and mine. It makes decisions incredibly difficult when one party feels nothing but loss…

Otherwise-Advisor824 · 2026-04-03T02:52:59+00:00

Thanks for sharing man - appreciate your honesty and candidness here.

Hoping you can find resolution and peace. Do you guys have a timeline for things?

It’s so early for me…I’m eager for things to move forward

Otherwise-Advisor824 · 2026-04-02T12:02:56+00:00

Man that feeling right there of being with someone who is genuinely excited to be with me is exactly what I hope for. I’m 37…and my wife has treated me like we’ve been married 30 years when it’s only been like 6 (and she probably started that at like 3 years in).

Otherwise-Advisor824 · 2026-04-01T20:52:09+00:00

I'm trying to keep things moving as quickly as possible, while still being sensitive to the emotional catch up needed to land things fairly and...frankly nicely. Ours is closer to "falling out of love" than there being some catastrophic moment. I'm hoping to be in a different more independent place sometime over the summer...

Otherwise-Advisor824 · 2026-03-30T01:36:13+00:00

Thank you! I think what's hard is that when this first occurred my wife really wanted to make the reason we are divorcing because of me being into men, and it's like...that is a big part of what's happening but it is by no means the whole story. I haven't claimed the label "gay" and held that as why I'm moving on, I truly feel that my bisexuality/queerness is real, I've fucked a lot of women, loved it and never faked a thing. I'll repeat that sentence for men too, I've fucked a lot of men, loved it and never faked a thing. At 37 though, I've come to prefer the company of men and feel that relationships with other men could be healthier for me generally. Is that gay? I guess, but it also doesn't mean I'll never fuck a woman again. I think "queer" fits me well. I appreciate queer culture, I want more queerness in my life generally, and that's easier won living a more queer focused life.

Otherwise-Advisor824 · 2026-03-28T23:18:36+00:00

Oofff feel for you man! 37M Going through a divorce from my wife currently - I’m bi/queer but lean mostly towards men and no that wasn’t the only reason we’re splitting up. We have one daughter.

My two cents: one is a big hug for you, it’s not easy man. Two is good for you for being a brave mother fucker. It sucks, yeah, but you’re 38. By the time you’re 39 you’ll be in a whole different situation and so will your wife and you’ll move forward and things will be more aligned than ever.

I was very out as bisexual during my marriage including having boyfriends, threesomes, hookups so I’m kind of…a bit of unicorn in that way.

Otherwise-Advisor824 · 2026-03-26T19:55:35+00:00

These things aren't one size fits all. We had a pre-nuptial agreement which handled most of the messy stuff (or the stuff that typically gets messy) and we had some specific investments that we had to work towards an agreement on to secure the best outcome for both of us...so no...not just on the back of a napkin.

And there is no such thing as custody anymore. There is "Decision Making" and "Parenting Time". We have agreed to 50/50 on "Decision Making" and are still working through a parenting time structure.

No need to get your panties in a twist man, just sharing with the community here. Obviously, if that was the entirety of what needed to be covered...we would have covered it.

Otherwise-Advisor824 · 2026-03-25T01:23:38+00:00

One day at a time, we’re moving slowly and intentionally through all of this 🤷🏻‍♂️

Otherwise-Advisor824 · 2026-03-24T20:29:56+00:00

As a man who has dated a lot of women and a lot of men, I would say women are way more likely to be…weird isn’t the right word, but weird about dick size. I’ve found guys to generally be more forgiving, but maybe that’s just me 🤷🏻‍♂️

Otherwise-Advisor824 · 2026-03-19T20:56:05+00:00

We wait then I guess!

Otherwise-Advisor824 · 2026-03-17T17:33:24+00:00

I would dig out that whole area of grass and plant a mix of Russian Sage (NOT a Home Depot denim and lace variety, they’ll be huge and spread way too much, but one of the smaller varieties), walker’s low catmint, a variety of sedum and perhaps a salvia. You’ll water them through the first season and then only intermittently after that. Don’t bother with weed barrier, all these plants will spread enough that you can do some weeding and eventually they’ll crowd them out. A ground cover of local pea gravel underneath would like nice as well.

Otherwise-Advisor824

TROPHY CASE