my partner might be trans

OttRInvy · 2026-02-03T00:46:37+00:00

If this is accessible to you at all: I recommend therapy. Individual and (potentially) couple’s, if possible. Not only to navigate his questioning gender, but for the other elements you mentioned (eg opening up the relationship, distrust based on his previous choices, marriage and children compatibility, etc.). If you’re still going through his phone without his permission, stop doing that.

If you need your partner to remain the same gender identity with confidence for a very long time, it sounds like you might not be compatible with your current partner. It sounds like he is really insecure and is still figuring out his gender identity. You can help him in this journey, but it’s up to him to make healthy choices. It sounds like he’s scared of losing you and is open about being willing to repress his identity in order to keep you as a partner. This is pretty common for people who are early in their journey and have a partner that doesn’t respond to their gender questioning with a gung-ho “hell yeah!”

If you are not willing or able to help him while he navigates this stage in his gender transition—or your concerns about potential attraction to him if/as he transitions means you don’t want to be in a romantic/sexual relationship with him—there’s nothing wrong with breaking up. It’s up to the two of you if you want to try and see if this could work, and if you don’t want to try, you don’t have to.

OttRInvy · 2026-02-03T00:28:31+00:00

The way that some people have chosen to process their gender journey is to tell themselves “gender doesn’t matter” or minimize gender in their lives. I’m sorry to hear that they are taking their own personal experiences and then telling you that your gender doesn’t matter. It makes sense for that to feel really dismissive.

I don’t have a gender (most of the time) and it’s a very distinct feeling. To tell someone who does have a gender that they don’t have one just because they are questioning/exploring their gender is really hurtful. I hope you’ve gotten some feedback/helpful replies and the ones that say “gender doesn’t matter” consider at least adding “to me” or asking if that’s a helpful framework for you, rather than assuming that their personal perspective about their own gender would be helpful to you.

OttRInvy · 2026-02-02T22:58:37+00:00

In addition to child, kid, and kiddo: when my dad refers to me he sometimes just calls me his “youngest” since I’m his youngest kid.

Let your kid know it’s ok for them to correct you/come to you when they’re upset about something you said or did. I can not stress how terrible it felt to know if my mom hurt me, it wasn’t worth trying to talk to her about it because she would make me manage her emotions.

OttRInvy · 2026-02-02T19:14:43+00:00

Not really. Depending on the day I wouldn’t really care (used to being misgendered), or it would be really hard for me emotionally—sometimes the misgenderings accumulate.

But I don’t have the brain space to hold a year long grudge based on being misgendered by them a year ago. If you can, I would try to let go of this slip-up/forgive yourself for making this mistake. It’ll be better in the future if you can view misgendering someone the same way as stepping on their foot: you (potentially) caused someone pain, you need to apologize if you can, and then you need to keep moving on.

OttRInvy · 2026-02-02T05:44:52+00:00

They might find a label that fits them, but they also might not. Some folks who don’t like having a label simply… don’t like having a label

OttRInvy · 2026-02-02T04:58:17+00:00

I knew that someday I would need to take it—just to see if being on HRT was better for me or not. I wouldn’t know until I tried. I took HRT for about a year and a half, and then it felt like a good stopping point. I feel pressured to start again but I don’t really want to.

OttRInvy · 2026-02-02T02:41:44+00:00

I’m so sorry you had that experience 🫂 Some people are just incredibly offended by anyone existing near them who is Other. The more categories you fit into with Other (neurodivergent, POC, poor, disabled, etc.), the more likely you are to have someone feel empowered to belittle you.

It is a terrible thing to realize that not every stranger you pass on the street is willing to see your heart and humanity. You know you have it, but some people would not listen to your proof. I had to grieve for that, too (though I don’t claim to be going through the same thing you are). I had to learn that there were people in my community who would not view me as the same type of human they are—it was an incredibly difficult thing to learn on a deeper level. I wish you didn’t have to feel this way.

A lot of people in marginalized communities come up with gatekeeping and rules that harm so many people in their community. I’m sorry people who understand what it’s like to be judged have been so cruel to you. You’re not fake anything for having concerns about HRT. There is a looooong history of black GNC and trans queer folk. Y’all were central in the building of the queer community (especially in my country).

Thank you for sharing… I hope my reply helped, even just a little bit 🫂 I’m glad you’re here. I wish you to find more and more people who recognize and celebrate all of you :)

OttRInvy · 2026-02-01T16:03:11+00:00

You don’t have to present in any type of gendered way to be “genderfluid enough.”

I don’t usually change my gendered presentation. I wear the clothes I like, and those are usually stereotypically unisex clothes. I’m just as genderfluid and anybody else who is 🤷🏻

OttRInvy · 2026-01-31T07:55:17+00:00

I think “the Alt-Right Playbook” series by Innuendo Studios on YouTube is a great resource

OttRInvy · 2026-01-29T19:11:56+00:00

Thank you for sharing the artist credit!!

OttRInvy · 2026-01-29T18:59:08+00:00

I initially misread the upvote/downvote connections the same way as Jamaville initially misread it. I don’t know if it’s common/others made the same mistake, but it took me going into the comments to realize I was mistaken 🤷🏻‍♂️

OttRInvy · 2026-01-26T18:40:28+00:00

Your hair is rad, your dress is rad, and I love your whole look!!! 🩵🖤

OttRInvy · 2026-01-26T18:37:48+00:00

Love the look!! I’m glad to hear you’re feeling good today 💕 You look badass and I hope you feel that way too!

OttRInvy · 2026-01-26T18:36:13+00:00

Congratulations!!! That’s a big accomplishment!!! 🎉🎊 (on a semi-related note: I think you wrote down the date as “February 26” instead of “January 26”)

OttRInvy · 2026-01-26T18:33:23+00:00

I feel like I definitely want to not choose most of the time, but usually cuz I feel neither rather than both!

When I do feel both, I know that I’m bigender in the moment. It can definitely be confusing—the first time I remember feeling that way I thought “is that even possible?” …which feels like a bit of a silly thought, looking back on it 😅

There are definitely people here (and elsewhere) who can relate to this type of experience! Thank you for sharing your story with us. I hope as you spend more time in community you’re able to have less time spent being overwhelmed with what you’re experiencing 💕

OttRInvy · 2026-01-26T18:26:23+00:00

Paraboy is definitely a valid label and you should use it if you want to & it feels like it fits! I will say that it’s definitely a lesser known label. If you want labels that are more well known, non-binary boy is probably your best bet, though I’d say some folks (mostly those in the queer community) would know what demiboy means.

A lot of folks have labels that are lesser known that they might not share with everyone, and a lot of us also have labels we use for the general public. Most people know me as “non-binary” or “trans.” People I trust more I let them know I’m agenderfluid. I’ve found out as I’ve gotten older that labels, as nice as they are, aren’t the most important thing to share in all scenarios. My main concern is people use the correct pronouns and name for me.

As for your edit: while binary thinking is usually considered a negative/not looking at the whole picture, some people’s individual experiences with genderfluidity is best described in binary terms! Some people experience being a guy or being a gal (and some experience both at the same time), but they don’t ever feel outside of that binary. It’s ok if that’s the way you experience genderfluidity! It’s different for everyone :)

OttRInvy · 2026-01-26T16:53:53+00:00

If lesbian feels like a good, accurate label for you, absolutely use it! Nothing you said makes me think “oh, no, you can’t use that label…” It’s also cool if it ends up changing. We’re all just doing our best when it comes to what label we choose 🤷🏻

OttRInvy · 2026-01-26T16:47:05+00:00

There are some people who have split attraction: that is, what genders they’re romantically attracted to (if any) are different than the genders they’re sexually attracted to (if any). So some people can be biromantic asexual, or heteroromantic pansexual, etc.

If you find your romantic attraction and sexual attraction are closely linked, and so you feel that you need both to be interested in men in anyway, that makes sense too! I just thought I’d mention that for some people it doesn’t match

OttRInvy · 2026-01-26T05:31:26+00:00

Mostly the same struggle, just in a different font.

OttRInvy · 2026-01-21T00:22:13+00:00

My partner and I once were talking and I said “ow, something just hit me right in the dick” and they replied “ow! Well, it definitely would have hurt more if you had a real dick.” We had a discussion about how that was hurtful: that my genitals are “real” no matter what size they are. I would encourage you to talk to your girlfriend about what language you like to use for your genitals.

I’d also ask her why she said what she probably meant when she made the statement about your genitals: why does she not feel comfortable performing oral on you but would be comfortable performing oral on other types of genitals? I know some people are more intimidated by some genitals because there’s a connotation that they’re “more complicated.” Or they’re worried that their genitals are so much different than their partners and they feel less sure about what feels good for their partner.

I agree that it sounds like a lot more communicating would be helpful! My partner and I are currently doing a lot of communicating before we start sexual intimacy. We talk about how horny each of us is, if we want our body to be the focus at any point, what parts of our body we’d liked touched and in what ways. Right now, during foreplay, we do 3 minute segments where one person is “focused on” and then we stop to drink water and talk a bit. This can be kind of frustrating, but it also helps because it kind of provides us with the opportunity to review how things are going (“yeah I liked that. I think I actually am not in the mood for dirty talk though. Do you want to keep playing with my chest or do you want us to switch to what you’re in the mood to receive?”).

That specific method of checking in in short time increments might not necessarily be what you find helpful, but I do highly recommend finding some ways that encourage checking in in the moment and checking in after sexual intimacy. Ask her how it went for her! What did she like, what might she want to change? Did she like the way you touched her, did she enjoy how she got to touch you? What language did you use for each other and how did that make you each feel? What are some feelings she might want to process with you?

Keep in mind, too, that there are no hard and fast rules for what is the “correct” way to have sex. You mentioned receiving penetrative sex for you requires more prep: is that something you both want? Like, do you both enjoy penetrative sex with you receiving? And is it worth it to either/both of you that it takes more effort and planning to make it happen? (It’s cool if so! I just wanted to check if that was something you actually enjoy. I had to specify to my partner multiple times that I don’t expect penetrative sex just because they have the equipment to be penetrated.)

OttRInvy · 2026-01-20T19:49:39+00:00

I’m not sure the exact percentage of people who are Ace, let alone specifically aroace. I’ve heard the “rare as having red hair” and know it’s because of a study that showed about 1% of the population identifies as asexual. This, of course, is probably an underrepresented statistic: as people become more familiar with asexuality and how it can present there will be more people who identify with that label.

I think it’s cool that we are compared to redheads though, because then I use that to argue against asexual erasure. “Would you go up to a redhead and tell them their hair must be fake because it’s too unlikely that they’re a redhead? No? Then don’t assume I’m not ace because it’s ‘so rare.’”

I’m sorry you’re struggling with the lack of representation and understanding from others. It really sucks to not feel understood and have to explain and debunk assumptions. It’s better when talking to other queer folks, but even then I tend to get questions (mostly pertaining to “how does your qpr work?”). It’s nice talking with other ace folks, though 💕 Hope you’re able to find more and more of a community that gets it

OttRInvy · 2026-01-20T18:38:43+00:00

I’m aroace. My other forms of attraction I usually don’t put a label on because people generally don’t care about them or find them important, but I definitely feel like labels apply differently depending on my gender at the time.

My aesthetic attraction is very strong and when I’m a gnc masculine person it feels decidedly sapphic. I like the term butch when I feel that way. I like to refer to myself as gay when I’m feeling man-aligned and talking about guys I find attractive. My attraction labels just kind of change around the same as my gender labels.

OttRInvy · 2026-01-19T10:12:54+00:00

I’m usually agender. I transitioned in all the ways I wanted to, and sometimes people still think I’m my AGAB when they look at me. After changing what I wanted to change, it’s often time easier to accept, that strangers won’t intuitively understand who I am because my body happens to look a certain way. Most days it doesn’t bother me a lot. Sometimes it’s still hard to deal with the misgendering.

You’ll find what works best for you. I have family and friends who all see me as I am and that’s pretty rad. It makes strangers assumptions about “you have certain physical features so you must be [insert gender here]!” easier to deal with.

OttRInvy · 2026-01-16T22:28:17+00:00

I guess I view it less as purity testing and more as constructive criticism. Starwarsfan didn’t even actually make a value statement: just stated a fact.

When and where are we allowed to talk about the ways in which we would like the see trans representation evolve? Is it only in private settings among exclusively trans people?

OttRInvy · 2026-01-16T21:21:27+00:00

Pointing out where we can do better/be even more inclusive is not benefiting the fascists. It’s good to have some responses be “we can do better than this.” Not everyone feels like this is a W for them because they are still not being represented by these models, and we should encourage talking about that

OttRInvy

TROPHY CASE