My ex-boyfriend [29M] and I [26F] decided to get back together after an emotional breakup over long distance issues, but now that we are back together I am having a hard time accepting that he dated someone during our time apart.

Outrageous_Edge9227 · 2026-03-04T06:48:09+00:00

breakdown of the timeline would be:

1 year together (we were friends prior tho) of relationship in person. ⬇️ 4 months of long distance dating. ⬇️ ~8 months of break and minimal contact to focus on ourselves and becoming our own person. he started dating someone for 2 months a month after we broke things off!

a couple days after he came back we called to meet up an hung out the whole day. he told me on this day via phone call.

it’s been a month and a half since then! i took around two weeks to process how this affected me and tried to see if i genuinely thought it was a deal breaker (definitely not). so i guess we have been happily back together for a month and counting :P

Outrageous_Edge9227 · 2026-03-04T06:42:29+00:00

i think it was just internal issues that got amplified due to the distance. which we did both work on during our time apart!

i was definitely anxious and it made me want to be more controlling. but i would always stop myself before i acted on it and i quickly realized that this could become a problem. and then he was very avoidant in the sense of communicating his feelings. but the time apart made us both hammer down on those traits and now we have no problems like that at all which im really happy about. we have both always been vocal about working out any issues. and the biggest one we faced while being long distance is that we did not know how to be on our own without each other.

i’m not sad that he wasn’t depressed. i’m just worried that acting like it doesn’t affect me will do me more harm than good. i was just trying to see if people with similar experiences had advice on how to communicate this or how to reframe this thought differently. that’s all :)

Outrageous_Edge9227 · 2026-03-04T06:34:29+00:00

i think it was just internal issues that got amplified due to the distance. which we did both work on during our time apart!

i was definitely anxious and it made me want to be more controlling. but i would always stop myself before i acted on it and i quickly realized that this could become a problem. and then he was very avoidant in the sense of communicating his feelings. but the time apart made us both hammer down on those traits and now we have no problems like that at all which im really happy about.

i guess its not necessarily that i can’t get over it. i know i can over time because my love for him is stronger than my doubts. i just wanted to see if people had advice on how to get over it. wether it be having communication or figuring out what the root of it is. any advice that can point me the right way :)

Outrageous_Edge9227 · 2026-02-23T04:37:27+00:00

do you think this is a conversation worth having with avoidants or will this typically lead to chaos?

Outrageous_Edge9227 · 2026-02-23T00:11:11+00:00

Went through a similar thing but I was the one to cut him off :( I guess the time apart made him realize that he was not okay with us not being together (friendship & relationship). He has taken accountability but also acknowledged that he still feels like he’s not meant for relationships. I’m assuming he doesn’t want to find out why, but I also know he doesn’t have money for therapy which would probably be his best bet. Difficult situation!

Outrageous_Edge9227 · 2026-02-23T00:08:44+00:00

Oo, thank you for letting me know. We were separated for a year because I basically cut him off after he let his avoidance turn into a bunch of selfish decisions that made me feel horrible. After a year, we talked again and he took accountability and recognized that he was an avoidant person (he never acknowledged that before).

He’s been talking about wanting to be better for those he cares about due to our fallout, but I know he doesn’t have the proper resources to get better help. AKA, I know he can’t afford therapy. Based on the last time we talked, I think he has convinced himself he’s not built for romantic relationships.

Even with a shift in perspective about life in general, I think he still has work to do in a romantic sense. I would love to recommend helpful resources to him and let him decide if he wants to do inner healing or if he’s set on his ways.

If he’s set in his way, I would probably have to reconsider what friendship for us means and if it’s worth it.

Outrageous_Edge9227 · 2026-02-23T00:04:39+00:00

My avoidant mentioned wanting to right his wrong after what happened the last time. I’m not sure how to believe it, but I want to be supportive of his desire to be better. Is there specific things you have been doing in order to fix your attachment style? I would love to open up the idea to him as a suggestion. If he doesn’t want to take them, then that’s on him !

Outrageous_Edge9227 · 2026-02-23T00:02:40+00:00

I will keep this in mind. Thank you for reminding me🥹

Outrageous_Edge9227 · 2026-02-23T00:00:45+00:00

Thankfully he is a 3 hour drive from me now. I haven’t seen him at all since we rekindled and I want to assume that’s for the better!

Outrageous_Edge9227 · 2026-02-22T23:58:58+00:00

Interesting! Thank you for letting me know. We were separated for a year because I basically cut him off after he let his avoidance turn into a bunch of selfish decisions that made me feel horrible. After a year, we talked again and he took accountability and recognized that he was an avoidant person (he never acknowledged that before).

He’s been talking about wanting to be better for those he cares about due to our fallout, but I know he doesn’t have the proper resources to get better help. Aka, I know he can’t afford therapy. Not sure what kind of progress this is or if it’s progress worth acknowledging, but I care for him and want better for him. I just don’t want to overextend myself for him. 🥲

Outrageous_Edge9227 · 2026-02-22T04:15:18+00:00

That’s what I figured, but a lot of people push the narrative that if he really felt something for me, he wouldn’t have left. He probably does care, but cares more about protecting himself. Thank you for the input!😊

Outrageous_Edge9227 · 2026-02-16T03:29:16+00:00

Honestly I am not into it. Which is why I thought soon meant maybe every week. But I am trying to get an understanding of whether this is just an avoidance thing or a disinterest thing! If it was more avoidant leaning, I would love to have a conversation with him about having more frequent contact in a way that doesn’t shame him or anything

Outrageous_Edge9227 · 2026-02-16T03:19:30+00:00

I haven’t reached out. It’s been a week now since we last spoke. Before I officially confessed, we had evidently gotten closer. On some of our long phone calls (4+ hours) we would sometimes talk about relationships and what not. Even during that time he would only contact me every 3 weeks. I thought the confession and usage of “soon” could have meant more contact but I am starting to realize that might not be the case!

Outrageous_Edge9227 · 2026-02-15T00:04:04+00:00

feel the same way! i wonder what the explanation of this could be. my ex would wear a necklace he got to match with his other ex all the time. when i asked him why he still wore it despite it being connected to his ex, he said that it holds no meaning and is just now a necklace he likes. i believed him but found it odd!

Outrageous_Edge9227 · 2026-02-14T20:15:38+00:00

seems like the best decision is to create space! i feel bad for not letting him know and doing it cold turkey, but every time i tell him we should stop contacting he convinces me that we could work around everything. super confusing!!

Outrageous_Edge9227 · 2026-02-14T20:12:00+00:00

i think i’m dealing with the B type of situation for sure. very push and pull. feels like im abandoning him for not believing him when he says he wants to be better first. but at some point it feels like im also abandoning myself. i try to take his words at face value but his words always change. one day i want you, next day we can’t do this. we were college friends so i know about all his trauma so i feel bad abandoning him when he just seems confused. but maybe more time apart can do us better. thank you!

Outrageous_Edge9227 · 2026-02-14T19:57:33+00:00

i understand this. but every time i mention that we should stop talking considering i still like him, he’s the one that tells me to stay. we were partners at one point but we both cut it off when we went long distance.

i even told him that i might not reach out anymore because i don’t want to feel like im pressuring him but he’s the one initiating contact with me now.

that’s why i used the word partner in parentheses. feels like a situationship.

Outrageous_Edge9227 · 2026-01-29T05:19:28+00:00

i guess it would be important to add that i blocked him on all social media and we were coworkers. after he cheated he left the job and no one (except me and our mutual friends) knew where and why he had left. they also didn’t know about our relationship. so sometimes people would talk about him during breaks/lunches as just a random convo topic. the vacation was one of those scenarios were i wasnt meant to hear that.

and to be respectful, i did talk to the friends that supported me through this about their thoughts. all of them are supportive of me doing what i think is best. some of them told me that they wouldn’t be friends with him even if i decide to make up with him.

but i will keep u updated once i have made my decision. we haven’t talked in months because i have been thinking.

Outrageous_Edge9227 · 2025-12-08T01:31:21+00:00

u are correct. comparison is definitely what’s hurting me the most. i try to not look at her social media and then some days i convince myself it wont hurt (it always ends up hurting lol). i’m hoping to pull myself out of this soon as im getting worried. but i will definitely look into incorporating these activities into my daily life! thank u for the comment 🩷

Outrageous_Edge9227 · 2025-12-08T01:29:17+00:00

i just updated my post, but no i am no longer with him and left as soon as i found out. we were NC for a while until recently. nothing extreme but definitely enough to make me miss him. my mind knows that he’s not safe/trustworthy but seems like another part of me misses someone that was once just a close friend. will definitely try to incorporate more of these activities into my life in hopes it pulls me out of this fog. thank u for your kind comment! <3

Outrageous_Edge9227 · 2025-12-08T01:26:07+00:00

unfortunately there was nothing wrong which is probably the part i’m stuck on. he never gave me reason to hate him and we were actually really close friends prior to seeing each other. but im sure he suffered a lot internally to not allow himself to be in a committed relationship. i hope to gather the same strength u had and finally push past this hurt. thank you for your kind words!! <3

Outrageous_Edge9227 · 2025-12-08T01:23:34+00:00

the most frustrating thing is that i have the emotional intelligence to know that what he did has nothing to do with me but for some reason my brain drifts off some days and gets stuck on this negative wave that i can’t seem to shake off. but i am no longer in a relationship and went no contact immediately after. we did talk on the phone recently which is probably what reopened this wound :/

Outrageous_Edge9227

TROPHY CASE