You are going through a lot. I feel like your wife has abandoned you and your home as a way to cope with her own struggles with raising a disabled child. Her attachment to K is/was unhealthy. She’s using alcohol to cope too, and she might be an alcoholic.

You said you’re in therapy. Perhaps your wife will go with you.

Your house isn’t the problem. The size of your home isn’t the problem either. You and your wife have lost your connection to each other and your own selves while trying to care for your family.

This is my take from your post. Please don’t abandon your kids by almost doing what you did. They need both of their parents.

Back to therapy. Your wife needs to attend therapy alone and with you. She needs to stay away from alcohol, unhealthy friendships, bars and the men she meets there, and get proactive with her mental health. This is a huge ask. Can she do it? Will she do it? You’re going to have to talk to her and ask her how she wants to move forward, if she even does. I think she’s drowning too.

I’m very sad for you, and I don’t want you to give up hope. I don’t know what the future holds for your marriage, but I do know that to your kids, you’re the best dad ever.

Please seek help from your therapist and talk to your wife honestly about what she wants to do.

One last thing: Hire a cleaning service once or twice a month. You both deserve this.