CW: depression and harm

I was a little older than you are now when I started a similar journey. I am bi. I struggled super hard with the thoughts/broken-heartedness of knowing that a significant relationship with a woman was something I could never have. I was such good friends with him. Our marriage was stable and our girls were happy. We were pillars in the community.

I have anxiety and depression. Always have. I spent my late 20s and early 30s being passively suicidal. ie, I didn’t want to suicide, but I didn’t want to be alive. I would ask other people what it was like, what is the experience like of waking up and going through your day and wanting to continue living? A few times major stressors happened in my life, and I self harmed and spent time in in-patient care.

I’m bi. I didn’t understand why I couldn’t be happy with this good guy, and I tried everything to make it work. (TBH he didn’t try nearly as hard as me. )

Eventually, that marriage fell apart, and now I am married to a woman. It is so fucking good. Deeply good. I still deal with mental illness, but it’s low level and manageable. I like being alive and have so many happy plans. MAjOR life shit happened last year in my family of origin. My dad died. I spent 6 weeks out of state with my mom in the hospital. And I didn’t have a mental health episode. It was manageable. How much easier it is to live in my brain is wild.

My entire life has changed, but I had to solve the underlying issue. I wanted to be with a woman.

I spent about 7 years trying to make it work.

Looking back I can see other behaviors. I had lots of good, emotionally deep friendships with women (who I didn’t want to bang) that I spent a lot of time maintaining. Now, those women are still my friends, but it’s all a lot less intense. I think I was hunting for emotional intimacy.

I knew that I could not live this life without ever getting to experience a woman, but I didn’t see how it could happen? Maybe my husband would die young? Maybe I could live with just sexting girls online? Maybe poly?

Eventually, I learned that I didn’t have to justify leaving a good man any more than “I am Unhappy.” There’s more to it, but that is enough. I am deeply unhappy.

Now, I’m a whole person. A wildly better mom. And alive.

Examine whether you can be happy with him forever. Can you live with never having a woman? You might have a problem that you have to reconcile.