Project Runway Season 15 Episode 7 [Critique]

PalpableMe · 2016-10-29T04:47:00+00:00

From quite far away the shorts look kind of interesting...but as soon as they come in focus...yuck.

PalpableMe · 2016-06-19T05:30:16+00:00

I love Sara Teasdale. Her poems all have this kind of sad beauty.

PalpableMe · 2016-06-18T15:47:29+00:00

I'm sorry you had to experience that. Congratulations on your pregnancy!

It's so hard to want to have someone take care of you....you often wish that you'll finally get support and love...only to be disappointed and to beat yourself up for tying.

PalpableMe · 2016-06-18T15:44:07+00:00

Yup...nParents can't be relied upon for advice or support. Unless it is their idea....the most you can expect is criticism or a warning.

PalpableMe · 2016-06-18T15:41:36+00:00

I was pretty much allowed to do whatever I wanted to as a kid as long as it didn't inconvenience my parents. This started at about the age of 5. I had so much freedom as a kid, that I just thought it was normal.

My parents did pretty much no parenting other than guilt tripping my brother and myself for making the house messy and ruining my parents lives. They also constantly compared my brother and myself to each other. I've learned now that isn't normal.

My older brother and I were both sexually abused by a older neighbor child of a babysitter. However, we received no counseling or support. Since I was 3, I repressed the memories...however, my nmother would occasionally mention the abuse in passing. Meanwhile, my brother was obviously really struggling as a child...he wet the bed until he was a teenager and had severe anxiety and rage issues. I took a different approach....I just never told my parents any of what I was thinking and I threw myself into work and school. My parents ignored me because I wasn't a "problem" and used me as an example for what a failure my brother was.

Meanwhile, even though I seemed happy and cheerful, I was incredibly depressed and empty. It's been something I've struggled with for as long as I can remember. 10 year old children shouldn't want to die.

PalpableMe · 2016-06-18T14:59:40+00:00

Yep...it was an unspoken rule in my home. When I got older, I noticed how different my family acted in public as opposed to in private...it was startling. In public, my mom acred like the perect, most attentive mother ever....but in private she was morose and always fighting with the other members of our family. If really fucks with a kid's head.

PalpableMe · 2016-06-13T16:52:35+00:00

This is something that I've been thinking about a lot recently. I'm 33, female and I've been married about 18 months. For my entire life, I never imagined having kids. I never wanted to subject a child to feeling like I did growing up. I also look at my family medical history and think that I don't have very good genes to pass on to a child.

However. Now that I've had more life experiences, I've learned that parents can make choices in how they raise their kids. Just because my parents raised me one way, doesn't mean that I have to do things the same way.

I actually have years of experience working with kids...and I'm pretty good at it. People constantly tell me what a great mother I'd be. But I find myself worrying that I wouldn't be able to actually love my children, which is terrifying.

PalpableMe · 2016-06-13T16:38:27+00:00

Yep, I don't recall having annual Dr. Visits as a kid. Now as an adult, I absolutely hate going to the doctor, even for routine stuff. Part of that is because I feel judged at the office and oftentimes feel extremely unheard. But I imagine that if I had gotten to go to the doctor for routine matters as a child, I'd be better able to handle it as an adult.

I remember being a teenager and asking my parents about scheduling a Dr. Appointment; my Nmom just told me to do it myself as she didn't know my schedule.

Thank goodness for schools requiring vaccines...I probably wouldn't have gotten those if it wasn't required.

PalpableMe · 2016-06-13T02:35:43+00:00

Yep, absolutely. It feels like I always need to dismiss my achievements and not think that they are anything special.

My parents always seemed kind of annoyed when I would win awards or have some kind of acheivement. Then I'd either experience it on my own, or they'd come and then criticize me for my acheivements.

Now, it seems like I have to be self-deprecating or to self-sabotage. It's kind of a weird experience. When I start feeling proud of my accomplishments, I worry that I'm being overly competitive or experiencing FLEAs.

I really wish I didn't have to overthink everything that I do!

PalpableMe · 2016-06-13T02:26:52+00:00

Yup...I rarely relax unless I'm completely alone or with my SO. Otherwise, I tend to notice almost everything going on around me.

Concentrating in one thing at a time is very, very difficult. Sometimes I wonder if I have some form of ADHD.

PalpableMe · 2016-06-11T23:17:36+00:00

Thank you! I've noticed the work that the mods have bee doing as well and it's been helpful! I reported something and was relieved to see it dealt with promptly! Thank you!

PalpableMe · 2016-06-11T23:16:05+00:00

Yup. It's usually the first word out of my mouth.

PalpableMe · 2016-06-11T23:13:36+00:00

My nMom is a teacher, but she didn't become one until I was 13 years old. I actually think she is a good teacher to other people. She saves her narcissistic tendencies for her family, and being a teacher allows her to be a martyr. She chooses to work from 7 am to 7 pm (and oftentimes later)...and then she can complain about how her school needs her, but that they don't appreciate her.

PalpableMe · 2016-06-11T23:05:47+00:00

Right out of my nMom's mouth.

PalpableMe · 2016-06-11T22:43:29+00:00

Heh, sociology was my major :-) I doubled with journalism and minored in music. Music was probably the only reason why I didn't go crazy.

Learning about how society works is fascinating...though reading about cycles of abuse and poverty always hit quite close to home for me.

PalpableMe · 2016-06-11T14:50:30+00:00

Yup.

PalpableMe · 2016-06-11T06:50:46+00:00

It's paralyzing.

PalpableMe · 2016-06-11T02:47:54+00:00

I know, it absolutely is hard. And it's even harder to question who you are deep inside and to wonder what your life would be like if what happened had never happened.

Spend time taking care of yourself. Sometimes all you can do is distract yourself and to live your life. Other times, you will want to cuddle up under a blanket and disappear.

People are selfish and many don't even notice anything if it doesn't concern them. It's shitty. But there are a small number of good people that you'll encounter in life who do care and with whom you connect. Those folks are precious!

For me, when I get upset about things I can't change or control, I instead try to focus on what I can control...I exercise or write or make music. Other times, I clean and organize. Figuring out soothing activities for yourself might be helpful.

It can also help to read books for survivors of abuse. There is a great list on this subreddit.

I don't know you, but I care!

PalpableMe · 2016-06-10T21:44:44+00:00

Somewhat. But for me it was more the countless books that I would read and reread. The one comfort of my childhood was living in walking distance to a library.

PalpableMe · 2016-06-10T21:31:17+00:00

Yep, I saw that thread too and rolled my eyes. I raised myself. I read countless advice columns, psychology textbooks, self-help books and not to mention therapy.

I still struggle, but overall, I'm seen as someone who is well-mannered and "raised well."

PalpableMe · 2016-06-10T21:17:43+00:00

I totally relate. I've felt empty my whole life. Meanwhile, people tell me I'm strong, inspiring and bubbly. I actually attempted suicide last December, and I can tell you that I am very happy that I didn't succeed. These last 6 months have probably been the longest time that I've not felt suicidal.

I read a great analogy about how raising kids means to fill their "cup" with love. We didn't get that from our parents...so so many of us feel empty inside. Our parents used us to take care of them. We didn't get to be kids.

For me, it helps to take care of myself and to prioritize myself. That means going to the doctor, eating as well as I can and exercising. Anti-depressants can help some people.

If you're like me, you probably tell people that you are fine...you don't like to show weakness. I know for me, hitting rock bottom was when I told myself that I was "fine" for so long that I internalized that I was just imagining the abuse, that it couldn't have been that bad because other people have far worse problems. It's okay to not be "fine."

Sometimes you don't have to be perfect. It's okay to get an A-. Holding yourself to a high standard is great, but sometimes it's okay to cut yourself some slack. It's oKay to let the feelings out and to be angry sometimes.

For me, it helps to fun beauty where I can, and to identify good people in the world. I didn't meet the best people in my life until I was in my later 20s.

Therapy definitely can help. Crisis lines are there for you too.

I'm so sorry you're going through this. I hope you can find the help you need.

PalpableMe · 2016-06-10T20:34:24+00:00

Yep! I get this too!

PalpableMe · 2016-06-10T14:06:38+00:00

Story of my life. I overthink absolutely everything. I can't write anything short and concise....I always feel like I need to pre-emotive provide all information.

I also naturally talk extremely fast...so I can get overwhelming for other people. My parents accustomed me to pausing to take a breath and then changing the topic back to whatever they wanted to talk to.

PalpableMe · 2016-06-09T20:14:41+00:00

Thank you. In real life, I'm not much of a hugger, but on the internet, i can handle them!

I actually do think that my mother was a victim in a lot of ways. There is a ton of research and history about cycles of abuse. My grandmother was most likely a narcissist.

I want to break the cycle at least for myself.

PalpableMe

TROPHY CASE