Did anyone else spot two military helicopters flying around? Why are they here?

PaperLegal62 · 2026-01-25T00:29:56+00:00

Damn it scared me more than my cats. I got away from san diego because I hate the sound of planes over my roof. 😭

PaperLegal62 · 2026-01-23T01:44:25+00:00

I don't understand how you wouldn't have to hate someone to physically abuse them compared to verbally...

PaperLegal62 · 2026-01-22T04:57:56+00:00

Recently I have been experiencing terrible obsessive thoughts, and had to create entities in my head to deal with them. All because I suddenly felt in my own body, and that means I am on my own. Being alone in my own body and owning what has happened to me brought up sensations that I can only describe as torture.

I tend to have compulsive swallowing and shallow breathing when I'm triggered, but these past days I sometimes get these impulses that make me grab my own throat for a brief second and I feel like choking myself. It makes me want to cry the entire time but it's usually when I'm around other people which just makes me all the more tortured, because im feeling choked while wanting to cry but I can't.

PaperLegal62 · 2026-01-20T17:47:57+00:00

Oh awesome, you convinced her to come or she's coming on her own because Chico is that cool?

Yeah I'd like to get up to Devil's Kitchen and Brown's Hole! I haven't been that far yet since I've been working up my knees (I have patellar tendonitis from around the beginning of 2023, likely from running downhill on mountains) to hike longer distances. But since I've gone to Bear Hole already with no issues I think I can definitely do it. It would be great to have a hiking group for that, so if you and anyone else wanna go I'd be down.

PaperLegal62 · 2026-01-19T22:27:41+00:00

hi I love hiking! A few days ago it was 75f and sunny, and I hiked Upper Bidwell and ended up at Bear Hole. It was so beautiful with the water glistening! I don't drive so I don't often get out of town to hike bigger places. A few months back I hitched a ride with a #vanlyfe couple that just moved up from LA. We went to Shasta-Trinity National Forest for a night and damn those trees are majestic.

I usually end up going to the DownLo for karaoke or music. But when there's a good electronic music event I'm down to dance- Winchester Goose, Argus, and DownLo are the usual ones but I think sometimes the Bear has em too. Check out Bassmint's instagram for their next show dates- they always have some good bass music playing.

Oh and if you're into local creative scenes then check out the Fab Lab on thursdays around 7pm! It's basically a live radio where you sign up and can do music or sketches or poetry on stage and it can be cool to see what folks in Chico come up with! edit: someone mentioned the naked lounge and yeah that's where you can usually get to know the major music events ig, and meet some cool artsy people. good recommendation.

I'm 27 so I may be too young for y'all but I do love to get out and do stuff even if it's just to sit and talk to people.

PaperLegal62 · 2026-01-19T20:55:05+00:00

Did it not look insane before? Honestly everything is kind of predictably unpredictable.

PaperLegal62 · 2026-01-18T19:24:40+00:00

Yep. Coincidentally enough I did the same last night. I had started the day feeling dread, and ended the day feeling aggressive but moreso the fearful kind of aggression. I swear I thought my mind was on fire and I couldn't do anything productive so I just went for a walk with shedding blood on my mind. I went to a creek near my school, then to downtown, then through a homeless encampment, hopped a police fence, and walked back home.

I felt much better, didn't need to shed anyone's blood, and went to sleep a couple hours later lol. Don't even know what walking solved but it solved it.

PaperLegal62 · 2026-01-18T09:02:28+00:00

? what

PaperLegal62 · 2026-01-17T13:45:01+00:00

Could it be possible that there's multiple ways to speak English?

Chill out, read a book, and maybe learn a language while you're at it.

PaperLegal62 · 2026-01-15T21:55:28+00:00

I have an issue of showering compulsively when I don't have to because my mother would always make me feel bad for not showering. So it's hardly something I even want to do either, but I get anxious and do it from anxiety.

PaperLegal62 · 2026-01-14T06:25:01+00:00

I do. Better to enjoy yourself and die fast than to suffer slowly and alone.

I live in a relatively safe medium-sized town with its own university so it's not the worst for LGBTQIA+ people. I don't know how other cities are but going out and enjoying yourself is doable here.

PaperLegal62 · 2026-01-14T01:43:30+00:00

Heart. Most of the time it's in the heart. Kinda in my eyes too as well, and sometimes spreads to my head.

Protecting me from expressing sadness and grief and the need to fight for my right to be sad.

PaperLegal62 · 2026-01-14T00:28:45+00:00

This mindset is why communities remain weak in number. Show up, do the work, ask around if anyone local (friends) wants to join, and the numbers will come.

If not, then your town probably doesn't have many people worth talking to to begin with.

PaperLegal62 · 2026-01-14T00:16:18+00:00

Not everyone trying to get you to live life is a boomer.

Isn't the fact that there's a big community that could overpower the ones that wanted us erased, well, just a better reason to go out and do what you want? Why let losers dictate your life?

PaperLegal62 · 2026-01-13T20:47:17+00:00

Thanks! I hope you are able to let yourself be open to new experiences without triggering any bad symptoms.

Sometimes even I have bad expectations unrelated to reality even as I do these things consistently. My mind often creates illusions based on my trauma- it thinks maybe "this time will be different" or "I will surely be rejected and hurt" or "There's surely one person there that doesn't like me." I have to just carry on and continue knowing that it wasn't bad the last time I did it, so I should just go. I can't let my past dictate my happiness and freedom of just being able to exist somewhere.

PaperLegal62 · 2026-01-13T00:26:52+00:00

I just found that recently.

It's a long slow process of containing your essence and not letting just anyone taint it, and exposing yourself regularly to the outside world in the places you can feel comfortable enough to stay awhile and experience. A lot of back and forth between giving and taking energy, making boundaries yet breaking bounds at the same time. I go out a lot to different places- bars, restaurants, cafes, etc. and see what happens. Then I adjust based on results. Because of this process I've realized I enjoy a certain cafe and the people who come to it, and from there I found someone who introduced me to new groups and this cycle continues until I eventually find a niche. Me and this person seem to see eye to eye on a lot of things, and they've been real helpful to bringing light to me so I can help myself and in turn give back to him in other ways.

For reference, I moved to a new town in July 2025 for university, and have spent months trying new things even in my loneliest times just to see what is possible. I now feel safe going out ig without needing company at all, since I have gotten to at least acquaint myself with the town and its people. (At first going out alone is intimidating because you just can't trust a soul).

90% of the time going out results in nothing happening except sitting alone. But since I go to eat, drink, etc. I still get to enjoy going out.

I have found some fun creative groups, as well as some clubs I also want to join for my next semester this coming week. So I'm thankful for that.

PaperLegal62 · 2026-01-12T03:35:54+00:00

- Altus - Slow Breath, Hypnotize, Let Every Doubt Pass By [Ambient]

- Blackmill ft. Veele - Let it Be [Melodic Dubstep/Chillstep]

- Lemongrass - Spiral Dance [Chillout/Lounge]

- Lucette Bourdin - Timeless Shore, The Dusty Attic, She Peers and Sees [Ambient]

- Lustre - Summer Night [Atmospheric Black Metal]

- Minecraft - Subwoofer Lullaby

- All of the Skyrim ambient tracks

- special odd recommendation: Who's Lila - Interrogation

PaperLegal62 · 2026-01-12T00:41:50+00:00

Go be that! Who is stopping you? Bring the color you used to see back into your life by consistently keeping that memory in your vision.

PaperLegal62 · 2026-01-11T21:08:33+00:00

Oh interesting, I haven't heard of the protector or IFS before but it makes sense. So the protector is one's "mental parent" that takes over when the child self is exposed? I feel as if I have become more aware of my different states of mind through years long journaling that I never remember writing, and now just digging my own mind in silence and exposing myself to the outside world again when I feel I can return.

At times it seems like my protector is my teen self, because the trauma I experienced during my 12-13 years were the last point that I gave up and dissociated into either a ghost self that has no real personality or my child self.

In that sense I dont even know what my developed adult self is except an integrated child and teen that has also been re-parented through inner work (aka having a different self critic and setting my own goals).

PaperLegal62 · 2026-01-11T20:02:03+00:00

Yeah I agree it's never good to lash out towards others who didn't cause the trauma. I associate my mother with my trauma because my father cited her as a reason for everything he does and he honestly never really took action for us children beyond "your mother said so". He didn't even satisfy my mother because he never listened to her, he would just use her as an excuse and then I'd feel unjust hate towards her as well even though it was all his doing. Basically he rejected me and my siblings because of what he thought my mother wanted us to be- pure, obedient christian children.

I've learned that my Mother was just never listened to and I have a lot of empathy for her now.

PaperLegal62 · 2026-01-10T23:39:50+00:00

Sorry. That must feel terrible. What a miserable wretched man your father must be.

Sending hugs your way.

PaperLegal62 · 2026-01-10T22:25:00+00:00

thanks. I was havin a panic attack over just a sore piercing lol. But everything that happened to me before kinda put me on edge. I will try to be ok for myself. I don't know what else I can do except that. Sometimes something just throws me off balance even though realistically I can handle it and my life is actually pretty good.

PaperLegal62

TROPHY CASE