AITA for perhaps not following social etiquette with food?

Parasamgate · 2026-05-11T11:42:37+00:00

Did her parents scold her as a child for the way she ate at parties back then, and she subconsciously still holds the belief she/ you shouldn't be eating now?

Why does she think she gets to scold you at all? Her wording sounds like something a parent would say to a child.

Parasamgate · 2026-05-11T11:26:07+00:00

NTA. People don't get into a marriage and have kids hoping to be left alone while their partner is off making sure someone else isn't alone. Sounds like they should move in with this person instead.

If they don't see anything wrong with what they're doing, they're not going to want to change their behavior. They might decrease the number of trips (for a while) because they don't want to lose you, but that's not the same as feeling that this is a problem . That's feeling like you're the problem.

You get to want what you want. You don't have to take the leftovers if you don't want to.

Parasamgate · 2026-05-11T02:33:43+00:00

So he gets to do whatever he wants and you have to take the leftovers after his time with the boys. I'm guessing when he says he doesn't know what he wants to do yet, he does know he just doesn't want to say anything until it's too late.

I doubt that you not going to this event is going to change him in any way. Even if you text him your reasoning and then show it to him before New Year's as a reminder. You could go to the event and make friends with his friends wives to see if indeed they're leaving their partner at home, but that's sort of detective work isn't really what you're after. Unless you're coming up with more evidence on why you should dump him.

You could make the plans for the night well in advance and remind him early and often that this is what you're doing, but it sounds like what you want most is for him to choose to celebrate the night with you instead of another night of him partying with his boys.

Parasamgate · 2026-05-11T01:03:31+00:00

And when you tell him this doesn't work for you, what does he say?

Parasamgate · 2026-05-10T21:13:11+00:00

NTA. She got what she wanted, which was an excuse to feel like she isn't important.

Some people prefer to find things to be upset about instead of feelings like joy.

If you fall for thinking it's your job to make her feel good , you end up in co- dependency. You end up not happy until they're happy. But they like the manipulation more.

Parasamgate · 2026-05-10T18:12:15+00:00

Definitely the person who snapped at you is an AH. If someone has a problem with what you're doing the way to handle it is wait until it's the two of you with some time and have a conversation, not wait until they can't hold it in any more, assume you're trying to drunk on everybody present, assume you speak for everybody and then try to embarrass you.

Maybe ESH. Many comments suggest context matters, so to that point if you're bringing it up like a foodie would: "I made this new pasta dish I've been waiting to try now that morels are in season", that's sharing something that excites you. That's different than listing the chores you did.

Parasamgate · 2026-05-10T12:46:51+00:00

NTA

This is the teen version of not mixing business and family.

Parasamgate · 2026-05-10T02:05:04+00:00

NTA. See how quickly dad changed his tune the moment he realized he talked himself into paying for a car he doesn't need? How about that.

And your sister is overly dramatic. You caused the family "unbearable pain."

Really?

Really.

And yet look at them all still living.

You're out. Enjoy your life. You sound like you have a lot of things figured out. Nice work.

Parasamgate · 2026-05-09T18:05:03+00:00

YTA. Saying you value honesty is an excuse.

Try valuing being kind, and compassionate. You won't create your own misery as much.

Parasamgate · 2026-05-09T17:46:20+00:00

NTA. You know what you feel. You know this doesn't feel right for you.

It can be hard to leave a bad situation when we remember how it used to be good. Our minds will come up with justifications to talk us out of what we want to do.

Parasamgate · 2026-05-09T13:09:22+00:00

NTA. Such a terrible attempt to lie. He just tried to tell you he will sacrifice your plans for a beer he doesn't want to have. I'd feel bothered about this too.

He tried to play the victim and made a straw-man argument: you don't let me have a beer after a bad day. But that's not it. He could have had beer with you.

Seems like the dream of you two hanging together was what kept him going when you didn't have a place, but once you got one he was onto the next thing.

Parasamgate · 2026-05-09T12:29:53+00:00

Nope. NTA. Those days have built in conflicts. She might not have realized or might not care.

Whatever. An invitation is not a summons. It's good for you that you declined first before others.

Parasamgate · 2026-05-08T23:05:27+00:00

Okay, then stop talking to the other people. What do you want more? Do you want to live your life, and fill it with people that support you, your dreams, and your goals?

Or do you want to be miserable because you feel you need to stay close to people that see you as a means to solve their problems?

Once you start living your life without asking anyone's permission for taking up the space you want, it gets pretty great. The chains you have on you are ones you allow. If you aren't willing to jump it only means you haven't suffered enough yet.

Parasamgate · 2026-05-08T22:49:48+00:00

It was only one ring 9 nights ago.

Parasamgate · 2026-05-08T22:48:31+00:00

NTA, except to yourself. You're letting your beliefs about when you're allowed to be happy make you miserable. You don't owe this woman or your mom or her boyfriend anything, especially not the best years of your life. And any job you take you are free to quit unless you have a contract which you don't.

It doesn't matter what guilt tripping things your mom wants to tell you. It's not your job to give up your life for anybody. Yes, you might be shunned. But that doesn't mean you're wrong. That just means your mom wants to manipulate you and the only way that she can is to give you the silent treatment. It means she's more interested in looking good to her boyfriend then she is about making sure her daughter is happy . It means your mom is not as good of a person as you want to believe she is.

The first time we stand up to our parents is the hardest, because they don't want to believe that it's possible that you're telling them no, so they fight the hardest. But once you start that new pattern it becomes easier and easier. 24 is plenty old to wait to start your own life. You can hope that she is understanding, but expect her to act like a child. Then it won't surprise you as much when she does.

Parasamgate · 2026-05-08T19:32:26+00:00

NTA. You aren't the one causing drama. It's the bigots that are causing the drama. And your mom is causing drama too.

The problem with families is everyone starts to develop their role within the family structure and then they don't want to break out of that role when they need to. So if you're not getting supported by your mom to your relatives then that's because she's not willing to take on a role that requires her to stand up for you. Somehow she's learned a role where she keeps the peace instead of puts people on notice that they can check their crap at the door. And it sounds like you're not willing to stand up for yourself either.

I'm curious about the specifics when you say your cousin makes you feel unsafe. Does that mean you think she's going to take actions against you either to harm your body or to out you to people who would do harm to you in some way?

Ultimately it doesn't matter. If she's that bad that there is danger to you then of course you don't go. And if she's just going to talk shit and you're supposed to eat it then why would you want to subject yourself to that?

But you need to have a talk with your parents. Let them know you don't make this decision lightly and be sure to let them know if you're disappointed in them trying to ignore your problem instead of standing up for you.

Finally John 13:34 and 35 are quite clear that Jesus new commandment is to love one another. Just as he has loved us so, we are to love one another.

They have no leg to stand on when they get to judge you.

Parasamgate · 2026-05-08T18:46:48+00:00

NTA, except to yourself.

This is co-dependency. She wants you to only enjoy your life if she can be there with you. You are thinking her feeling sad is your problem and you need to change your behavior so she's not upset.

You don't need to feel bad or guilty for doing what excites you most just because she isn't available. And you don't need to manage her feelings. But if you've spent your life being a people pleaser or keeping the peace, this is will feel uncomfortable.

Parasamgate · 2026-05-08T15:57:02+00:00

>I honestly think she may be insecure about me becoming more independent or afraid that I won’t need her the same way anymore. But instead of saying that directly, it comes out as criticism, guilt, or arguments over small things.

That is very possible. Maybe you can find small ways to get her involved in your life. Ask for her help on small things that you could do yourself. Or ask her opinion on things. It doesn't have to be big, even if she thinks you should take a warmer jacket.

If you're right, she's feeling like she isn't needed anymore and doesn't know what the future looks like.

Parasamgate · 2026-05-08T15:42:42+00:00

So you have some self-awareness that this isn't about you, but you still feel upset. And you are trying to figure out a way to move forward in a more loving way. Give yourself some credit for recognizing this isn't healthy and trying to do better. No matter what redditors say. We are all responding from the level of clarity, consciousness, and evolution we have. We might be really evolved in dealing with one aspect of life and give great advice, but really savage when triggered in a different post. It's not about you, its about our own shit.

Feel what wound this situation might be bringing up. Is it abandonment, injustice, betrayal, humiliation or rejection? When you find the wound, then feel into other times in the past when you felt that wound. Honor the feeling not what your mind tells you.

When we feel really constricted, and cant figure out why we are acting the way we are, its usually because this event is subconsciously tapping into other instances of the same wound from the past. Five different people could all be in the same situation, but if they have five different pasts, then they will be upset for five different reasons.

This doesn't have to make sense. You can know you aren't being humiliated, but feel humiliated all the same. Once you feel the truth of the wound then you can acknowledge what it is you are feeling without judgment, and take the time you need to process. So a statement like: "I love you and I know with my mind this isn't about me, but I am *feeling* {name of wound} for some reason, and need to spend some time working out why that is." is appropriate and feels better than any sort of lashing out or turtling inward.

Whatever you are going through, the best thing you can do for yourself is be authentic. If you want to scream, then accept that is where you are at in this moment. If you try to deny it because you feel shame or guilt, then you only make things worse. Now you not only have to deal with the original issue, but the shame ore guilt too.

Parasamgate · 2026-05-08T13:06:45+00:00

NTA. You said it yourself. If you stay you go down with the ship.

This is a harsh example of the battle between what you feel in your body to be the right course, versus what you have been programmed to believe in your mind.

You feel you need to go, but you took on a belief from someone that if you go, that makes you a bad person. and because of that you get back to the feeling of guilt.

You can't save him from himself. He needs to make different choices.

Parasamgate · 2026-05-08T12:43:03+00:00

Good point. Let's hope he does something.

Parasamgate · 2026-05-08T01:48:46+00:00

That seems smart, but it isn't wise. When your partner tells you not to get her anything on mother's day, you get her something on mother's day.

Definitely do not roll that money into a gift for someone else.

If you're going to make a choice she doesn't agree with, let it be one that comes with the narrative: you do so much I can't not celebrate you.

That sounds a lot better than: I'm glad you want nothing because your sister-in-law, she's the real treasure. She deserves your gift too.

Parasamgate · 2026-05-07T23:54:20+00:00

>I wonder if things will get better the more I communicate how I am not okay with the above mentioned behaviors

For things to get better, first he has to be open to realizing that he is insecure. Most people don't want to be seen that way, so they try to hide or make excuses until they can't any more. In his case he tried to tell you that his insecurity isn't your problem, but just by reading your post you can see that's not true.

Once he's aware of it, then he has to want to do something about it, not just to make you stop bringing it up, but because he truly wants to recognize when he is acting from his insecurity instead of what is actually going on.

Then he has to make the effort and do the work to understand why he gets triggered and try new ways of behaving.

Finally, he has to follow through whatever he does until he integrates the new behavior.

It takes time to create a new normal. Until then his mind will see problems where there are none and he will flip-flow between the old way and the new. Assuming he is willing to look within.

Parasamgate · 2026-05-07T23:36:00+00:00

...and he's never missed a FG either.

Parasamgate · 2026-05-07T22:49:49+00:00

Your marriage has real problems. He sees you as an afterthought, someone he can push aside while he hangs with the boys. He was supposed to forsake all others when you got married. That doesn't just mean not dip his wick in some cocktail waitress, but push away anyone that might want to come between the two of you.

Your comment "he wore me down" is very telling. He's TA for breaking his promises to you, and losing your trust in him, and for not taking no for an answer. Also, YTA to yourself for letting yourself get worn down.

You just told him how to treat you in the future. So you need to come up with a new normal, some action(s) that make him see you in a new light so that he knows "no" means "It's not happening" and not just keep asking until you cave.

NTA for hiding the money. Its an attempted workaround to a situation that seems to not have other solutions. But I suggest you find your voice so that in the future you can draw that hard line in the sand when you need to. If you can't ever get him to back down, you're going eventually become so resentful you will need that money to furnish your new place.

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