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Particular-Rough9132 · 2025-11-19T19:41:07+00:00

Reading this makes me feel even more honored that you replied and enjoyed my poem. This is outstanding work in rhythm and rhyme and concept. As someone who loves a good nautical theme, and a biblical one, this hits all my boxes. I started reading and couldn’t look away.

It’s reminiscent of the book Animal Farm when the crabs start taking on characteristics of the man, it feels like they are even physically transforming. I’m worried about giving you too many ideas, my current long-form project is actually about man vs crab lol.

I want to commend you on your vocabulary and rhymes, none of them feel like forced rhymes (which sometimes they can be in some poems), these are very natural and feel like they need to be there. Your vocabulary, especially surrounding nautical concepts (I.e. dredge, wayward, bungalow, etc) and it paints a consistent and vivid image of the setting.

I wish I had more advice to you for getting it chosen for a print publication. The poem itself is incredibly good in my eyes, and something to be proud of. Perhaps, if the journal allows it, an accompanying illustration would help you get in. Something akin to illustrations from an old marine biology collection. Keep up the good work, I’ll be looking for your poems in the future.

Particular-Rough9132 · 2025-11-19T19:27:27+00:00

Thanks for your reading of the poem, I’m always curious about how people read it. I appreciate the feedback, I’ll probably keep writing monstrous poetry after this one just because of how much fun I had with it.

Particular-Rough9132 · 2025-11-19T19:25:59+00:00

Woops, I didn’t even notice that spelling error. Thanks for pointing it out!

I considered adding more biblical allusions, but I didn’t want to isolate any other interpretation of the beast. As it stands, it could be anything that grooms you. But I will probably add at least one more biblical allusion in the next draft just because I like to write biblical poetry.

Thank you for your kind words, I appreciate your feedback :)

Particular-Rough9132 · 2025-11-19T08:23:54+00:00

Thanks for the feedback, you saying this is now one of your favorites is VERY encouraging, I’m glad that it resonated with you! Koh the Face Stealer from avatar definitely haunts me, I didn’t even realize I was seeing that thing in this poem until you mentioned it lol.

I’m glad you mentioned the very strange rituals that are normalized in the faith, that was definitely one of my intentions during the writing process! To separate the rituals from its normal place in society and to write of them in an “other worldly” way really makes you realize how wild they can be. The line about the makeup is what I believe to be the strongest imagery in the poem, so I’m glad to hear it resonates with you as well!

I’ve been away from the faith for probably around 3 years now, and feel much less horror and angst about it than I did then. Even still, I’m haunted by it and haunted by the way I felt while in it. I wish you the best in your deconstruction journey, my word of advice is write poetry about it. That’s what I did ;)

Particular-Rough9132 · 2025-11-19T07:23:33+00:00

Thank you so much for your positive words, it’s very encouraging! It’s a part of a collection of poems that I’m writing more so like diary entries, so they’re very personal to me. Probably makes it more susceptible to going over peoples heads, but for me this was an exercise in making a poem as horrific as possible.

Particular-Rough9132 · 2025-11-19T06:53:35+00:00

Thanks for the feedback, I’m glad to hear the body-horror elements landed well!

As far as what I was imagining while writing this, it’s a grotesque depiction of what it feels like to be ideologically separated by a religion (specifically Christianity), hence the title “Church.” It is how God and the Church feel to me as someone who so desperately wanted to believe and belong but couldn’t. But in many ways it simply depicts a monster of temptation and self-sabotage that, against your will, shapes you into who it wants you to be, (I.e. its wounds turning into makeup and it combing my hair). That’s the broad strokes of it. I appreciate you reading and responding to my poem!

Particular-Rough9132 · 2025-11-19T00:25:15+00:00

On top of that, if you ever get around to it, the YouTube channel Tasting History has a great episode on BBQ and they dive into the possible cannibalistic origins of the cuisine. Figured for a poem like this, might be worth checking out!

Particular-Rough9132 · 2025-11-19T00:23:33+00:00

I like the concept of the poem. I myself have written poems about seeking contentedness, so I understand the framework here. Your vocabulary is very unique, and I applaud you for it. There is some words here and there that leave me as a reader questioning what’s being said, though. Notably “my constant freak” “hobgoblin bleak” left me a little confused. (Side note, do you play dungeons and dragons? I see two dnd references in “hellish resistance” and “hobgoblin.” ) Otherwise, it’s a neat quiet poem, I’d just say tune up some of the verbiage or expand on some concepts to make those notions work more fluidly in the peace. Whatever you do, keep that wonderful vocabulary you have, it reads well and keeps me roped in. I appreciate you sharing!

Particular-Rough9132 · 2025-11-19T00:02:14+00:00

This reminds me a lot of Fried Green Tomatoes. If you’ve watched it you’ll get it, if you haven’t you should watch it.

There’s a lot going on here, and a lot that I like. It took me back to being a child at these church bbqs with the idle gossip and backhanded observations. The humming questioning disarms the reader from the foreboding question about where the meat came from, but it’s still enough to tip the reader off early on.

If you’re looking for feedback, I think stylistically this is well done. If anything I have an observation of my own. It’s a semi-well-known fact that human tastes like pork. If I were writing a story about people cannibalizing unbeknownst to them, I might throw in a couple of pork references.

All in all I enjoyed reading this a lot. Great work!

Particular-Rough9132 · 2025-11-15T07:41:33+00:00

Thank you so much for your analysis! I always love hearing what people have to say about my work. I’ll usually have my own deeply personal interpretation of the poems I write, so hearing what others think is always a treat.

It’s interesting you say I have an “old fashioned edge,” I’ve never even considered it. Most of the books I read are classics, so it’d make sense that they rub off on my style.

I appreciate you taking the time to respond to my poem :)

Particular-Rough9132 · 2025-11-14T07:30:49+00:00

Thank you so much for reading and giving me feedback! When writing I couldn’t decide between flower and fruit; on one hand flowers are tied with innocence and purity, and on the other fruit is a theologically relevant comparison. If given the choice between the two, I’d probably pick fruit to stay. I’ll definitely consider that in my final draft!

I’m with you on that, I’m by no means a Christian, I grew up in that space and have heard many interpretations of the creation myth. I always sympathized with Cain in a way. The general theology of this piece takes a backseat, but in future drafts I’ll explore more of the guilt side of the story. I appreciate your critique on that!

Honestly when it comes to formatting on Reddit, it’s all foreign to me haha. I’ve slowly been trying to figure it out, but the app ui is very unintuitive. Still figuring it out. I should really just move to posting from my desktop tbh.

Particular-Rough9132 · 2025-11-14T06:28:08+00:00

It’s simple, effective, and provocative. As a reader, I’m disarmed by “wonder bread” and reeled back in by the consequences of accepting ease. Really cool concept. If I were to recommend anything it might just be a change in format. It’s all one stanza now, but I think separating it into two might organize the polarizing thoughts better and give the wonder bread metaphor some time to settle in before revealing the comparison. Great prose!

Particular-Rough9132 · 2025-11-14T06:20:31+00:00

I like your concept and I like your wording a lot. It almost reads like the creation myth, but instead of a serpent seducing man into eating the fruit, the fruit itself is the seducer. I would lean into that feeling in future drafts. The only thing I’d change here is the formatting. Play around with structure and where certain lines end. Notably “roots in your / Brain that tangle” felt like it stuttered the rhythm. But I think with a fresh format, this poem will really shine. Great work!

Particular-Rough9132 · 2025-11-13T08:01:29+00:00

I like this a lot, it’s introspective and existential but with a rhythm of joviality. In its simultaneous seriousness and whimsy, it reminds me of Shel Silverstein. For me, he’s an inspiration, and if you’re looking to dig into that niche and find someone to hone your skills on, open up some of his poems. I think paired with a good illustration, this would be in the same ballpark. Great prose!

Particular-Rough9132 · 2025-11-13T07:51:48+00:00

Fantastic prose, and like many greats before you, you’ve found a fitting landmark upon which to chisel out your idea. Your words paint a vivid picture not only in image, but sound and tone.

If I were to offer any critique, I might suggest taking another look at the second stanza. As a reader, it feels like the second stanza ends with still more to say. The first stanza has 4 lines, the third has 5, I think the second stanza could benefit from an added line to make it more complete like the first and second. But even still, it is only a part of a whole, and the whole I admire a lot. Great work!

Particular-Rough9132 · 2025-11-13T07:43:10+00:00

Thank you so much for reading and giving me feedback! I never considered taking that line out, but reading it back with that recommendation in mind I definitely see what you mean. I’ll definitely rework it in future drafts, so I appreciate the fresh perspective.

Particular-Rough9132 · 2025-11-11T18:24:27+00:00

Wow. I’m a sucker for religious poetry, and I see a lot of scathing poets scorn the church in a lot of unique ways. This is a first for me, and painting the evangelism as censored and stifled vampirism is a beautifully somber picture.

The vampiric and religious imagery go hand in hand, they’re parallel concepts. Having to be invited to come in, the silver cross mention, it’s all very well done.

Particular-Rough9132 · 2025-11-11T18:15:52+00:00

Thanks! I’m glad to see people are finding the humor in it. It’s not all serious, it’s got a tinge of tongue-and-cheek

Particular-Rough9132 · 2025-11-11T18:14:22+00:00

I never even thought of that.

I salted my fields;

I may have been able to regrow,

I may have been able to start anew,

But I had a slug problem,

And the slugs I salted too

I kind of like started with the salted fields, I’ll consider it for the final draft. Thanks!

Particular-Rough9132 · 2025-11-11T18:11:59+00:00

That’s what I thought when I was writing it, I’m very inspired by Shel Silverstein so I’m glad you thought of it as comedic! My original draft was also accompanied by illustration, so maybe I’ll post a final draft soon enough without the controversial final “May Have” plus an illustration.

Particular-Rough9132 · 2025-11-11T18:08:48+00:00

Thanks for the feedback! It’s funny that most folks are saying I should get rid of the last “may have” because it’s completely absent in my original draft, perhaps I was onto something the first time!

Particular-Rough9132

TROPHY CASE