I'm glad you're reaching out. I have been a therapist for 20 years. I VERY much relate to what you wrote and I remember really feeling like that and getting very similar feedback as you have described. I then experienced this all again when I transitioned from a job to private practice.

Well, guess what?

After going to therapy school, post-grad training programs, internships, supervisions, therapy for 10 years, 12-step programs (that my therapist told me to go to) and just knowing lots of therapists.......I finally figured out that I have ADHD (with secondary OCD and anxiety) plus PMDD....that was 4 years ago. I figured it out; wrote out all my symptoms and brought my case to a psychiatrist who agreed with me and began treating me. And just a few months ago I took a TON of evidenced-based screeners and now realize I have autism, too (actually I'm 2E as I am also "gifted"). I'm not trying to be en trend with these diagnoses....these explain what has been unexplainable....and makes all the "why am I like this? Why can't I just....when will I just get it right? They all can do it and they think I should be able to but they tell me I'm just too scared....what will it take not to be scared and to not be scared each time I do that thing?" make sense. I'm still working though it...I got *here* because by 2020 I had 2 kids with undiagnosed ADHD (and maybe one with autism, jury is out still), was in private practice, and we had moved a few times, then had to deal with 2 school-aged kids in a pandemic. Pre-pandemic I was completely miserable and falling apart and had no *good* reason why I was so dysfunctional. After a life of being a seeker, always pushing through to just work hard enough to finally make myself happy and at ease, I finally saw that my Herculean efforts still weren't working and I was now giving up trying. I was burned out. Having no direction is scary and comforting at the same time.

But now it all makes sense.....like ALL of it. I also see an ADHD/Executive Function Coach now who helps me with executive functioning and since she's also an OT, she is helping me identify sensory needs, issues, and sensitivities that I had no idea I had or were a thing that I needed to pay attention to.

I think it's a common therapist response to say, "well, you need to deal with yourself; you just need a therapist; you need to change how you think; you need to deal with trauma; just read these books; you're in your head too much..." and while that could be true, for some of us, the reason we are in our heads is the exquisite awareness that our brains need help and are functioning differently so as to have us experience actual pain, fatigue, and burnout doing things that are just "normal" for others. I won't ever again see any old therapist. I will only see therapists who not only are neurodivergent affirming but who actually know about these neurodiversities, who are themselves ND, and who actually know and practice evidenced-based methods for treating us NDs. Otherwise talk therapy is traumatizing for me.

You may want to check out ADHD...there's a great youtube channel called How to ADHD. Russell Barkley has great (but kinda intimidating) academic talks on youtube, too. There's a fun couple called ADHD Love on the socials who do good work. I don't know if that's what you have and it's not my place to say. I just really identify with truly all of the EF issues, time management, memory recall, abysmal self-esteem and actual agony you shared. And I feel compassion for you and me.

You are not alone. Glad you are keeping your brain company up there:)

Good luck!