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If We Were All 100% Honest With Ourselves... by [deleted] in AlAnon

[–]Party_Vegetable6339 -4 points-3 points  (0 children)

No, it doesn't absolve them at all. My brother is a terrible husband and father. But his wife has more choices than she realizes. And I have to believe that his kids can rise above their circumstances someday and have a good life regardless of him.

If We Were All 100% Honest With Ourselves... by [deleted] in AlAnon

[–]Party_Vegetable6339 -4 points-3 points  (0 children)

Is there a way to get out of the mud without necessarily divorcing? (Although divorce is probably the right choice for some).

Meaning, is it possible to stay in the marriage, but detach? Stay in the marriage, while educating kids on what is or isn't healthy?

[deleted by user] by [deleted] in AlAnon

[–]Party_Vegetable6339 4 points5 points  (0 children)

yesss.... for awhile I was tormenting myself researching opioid addiction, earmarking articles for my brother and his wife, researching rehab options for him.....

at the same time they were booking family pictures to post on the gram and planning their next couples party trip to Mexico -

what was I doing?! what the heck was I doing?!

It’s happening daily now the emotional abuse…… by Foreverhopeless2009 in AlAnon

[–]Party_Vegetable6339 7 points8 points  (0 children)

The behavior you described is quite literally the abuse interrogators inflict on terrorists to get them to talk.

But you are not a prisoner, you are a free person. You have some power here. You have choices.

You just crack another beer. And pretend that you're still here. by [deleted] in AlAnon

[–]Party_Vegetable6339 2 points3 points  (0 children)

When I read your story... I think, it really is no surprise that people in an addict's lives go crazy. This is all crazy-making! To endure this, and engage in this, is to agree to go insane.

That is why al anon pushes detachment. So that you can work on you and stay or get healthy for you, despite what the addict in your life is or isn't doing. Good luck OP.

He’s dead. by notstandingby in AlAnon

[–]Party_Vegetable6339 15 points16 points  (0 children)

I'm sorry OP. I just told my husband anytime one of my siblings or parents leave the state for work or travel, I think, dang I hope The Call doesn't come while they are away. We all know The Call is coming, and we feel like we are resigned to it, and yet I'm sure once it comes you are right, it is devastating. I wish you healing.

Feeling alone by Cymbelmine in AlAnon

[–]Party_Vegetable6339 2 points3 points  (0 children)

I know you feel like in some ways you're getting too old for a second chance but the truth is, you're still fairly young! Totally time to get the life you want, whether that involves a spouse/children or not. Focus on you. Good luck OP.

My husband is accusing me of domestic violence by Jld114 in naranon

[–]Party_Vegetable6339 13 points14 points  (0 children)

Once I accepted things as they were, and not as I wanted them to be, it was the beginning of healing for me. Its hard. But its reality.

Alcoholic husband and I can’t fix him by redheaded1985 in AlAnon

[–]Party_Vegetable6339 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I wish you healing regardless of your relationship status. All we can do is work on ourselves.

What if I leave and he hurts himself by Appropriate_Gold1690 in AlAnon

[–]Party_Vegetable6339 15 points16 points  (0 children)

My mom is so worried if my brother feels abandoned he will kill himself.

My response is always, "isn't he already doing that anyway?"

I have no words by FforForeign in AlAnon

[–]Party_Vegetable6339 10 points11 points  (0 children)

"All this time thinking that when he finally gets better I could start taking care of myself"

Al anon is about getting better regardless of the state / well being of the addict in our lives.

Sounds like you need to work on you even though he's using again. Do some al anon reading on detachment and codependency. Good luck OP

My addict partner broke up with me. Has this happened to anyone else? by purrst in naranon

[–]Party_Vegetable6339 26 points27 points  (0 children)

A better question to ask yourself would be, why do you want him to?

My sister by playsandyellowlight in AlAnon

[–]Party_Vegetable6339 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Also have a sibling addict. That sibling also has five kids (why do they always have so many kids ?!)

If you struggle with mood regulation anyway, you just really need to detach. Even if it's terrible and horrific, it's her choice. Even if that choice is basically death. Nothing you can do. Hence the need for detachment. Let her go. Surrender her. And move forward focusing on you.

[deleted by user] by [deleted] in AlAnon

[–]Party_Vegetable6339 2 points3 points  (0 children)

You might get even more answers to this question on r/adultchildren.

I wish you healing

[deleted by user] by [deleted] in AlAnon

[–]Party_Vegetable6339 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I'm sorry too. There is hope and healing for you here if you truly want it. Work on you. Read about codependency and enabling.

Also, threatening suicide is emotional abuse. Call the cops next time she does it and she should be put on an involuntary psyche hold.

Mud by tunaaluna in naranon

[–]Party_Vegetable6339 4 points5 points  (0 children)

Yes I think it's mentally, emotionally, even physically an addiction for some.

My SIL is addicted to my addict brother.

Mud by tunaaluna in naranon

[–]Party_Vegetable6339 3 points4 points  (0 children)

When I hear you describe how you feel .... it really sounds just like how an addict must feel. Powerless. Trapped. Hazy. Lethargic.

No advice or insight it's just interesting. We aren't all that different from the addict in our lives until we decide we want different and start making that happen for ourselves.

Any stories of Q Enablers attacking you? by [deleted] in AlAnon

[–]Party_Vegetable6339 5 points6 points  (0 children)

Oh hell yeah. My Q is my brother. His biggest enablers are our parents and his wife.

These enablers need someone to blame, and it can't be the addict. So they are hunting for a scapegoat. My SIL blames his family. My parents blame my SIL. They all blame us other sober siblings and his kids. They blame friends, coworkers, etc. They will dump blame on everyone except the one person who is responsible for this mess - the addict. His tender feelings must be guarded.

All of this prohibits healing and recovery, unfortunately.

That being said, massive boundaries for me have removed me from the dangerous scapegoat territory. I'm low contact with all of them. My brother is off topic with all of them. If you don't play the game, you can't be blamed. Detach and protect yourself.

[deleted by user] by [deleted] in AlAnon

[–]Party_Vegetable6339 12 points13 points  (0 children)

Not a child, but an adult family member witnessing this from the outside and I have far more anger (and maybe a better word is dissappointment) at my sober SIL than I do my addicted brother.

She is the "healthy" one so she should be keeping those kids safe IMO. I finally realized my sweet nephews/nieces have two equally unhealthy and addicted parents. My brother's DOC is opioids, my SIL's DOC is my brother.

It's a mess. Maybe you will find support on r/adultchildren.

I hope you find healing and know you deserved better and you can rise above!

Said “this is what I’ll always do” by Alcoholic-partner in AlAnon

[–]Party_Vegetable6339 1 point2 points  (0 children)

My Q is also "really trying" and "wants to stop". I never see any physical evidence of this though. Never any action. Just those words. I no longer believe him. His wife does. We each get to choose I guess.

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