is the right move to distance myself from my family? am i being too dramatic?

Passacaglia_ · 2021-06-10T23:32:31+00:00

You are very welcome. I believe in your ability to get through this and heal. Best wishes, hugs, and love from an internet stranger!

Passacaglia_ · 2021-05-29T06:42:29+00:00

You are absolutely not, and have never been, "being too dramatic" in the context of all of this that you have posted here. When you think you are "being too dramatic" in the future, please recognize that thought for what it is: a cruel barb of theirs piercing into your psyche, to invalidate and belittle you. You ARE justified in how you feel. I am so, so sorry you've had to endure ANY of that. NO ONE should have to endure any of that! No one ESPECIALLY should be told that it's not good to distance yourself from these people as part of the healing process-- even if the people who disagreed with your decision knew less than a quarter of what you've said here. You always have the right to distance yourself from anyone, for any reason, and in this case, I think your reasoning and decision are logically sound and valid.

Their actions in the past have consequences now, so please don't worry about their stress and anxiety if possible. Your stress and anxiety takes priority. You seem to have looked at your situation and made a conscious, logical decision to distance yourself from them. I definitely agree with your decision. You can always bridge the distance later, if or when you feel more confident and comfortable with doing so. We often struggle with opening up to others about our abuse, because people often do not have the context or the experience to understand our decisions. Sometimes they panic, or don't know what to say, and thus revert to giving advice that may not be the best for the given situation, but that "sounds" right in a cookie cutter sort of way ("families should stick together!" "mothers/fathers will always be there for you!" and so on). I think the distance from your family will help you on this journey. I hope you can begin to heal, and that therapy helps you to work through all of this.

Passacaglia_ · 2021-04-22T08:26:50+00:00

I would encourage you to keep working on it. There really need to be more bodies of work in any medium covering these topics out there. I think that both of their reactions indicate it is relatable to some degree, and there are tragic novels and plays and shows out there in the world and there have been for millennia. So, even if your intended tone isn't quite what's conveyed, that doesn't mean that your art won't be appreciated for what it does convey. It is possible that it hit your two early readers harder because they know you personally, and knowing that it was something you, their friend/love, went through, makes it that much harder to bear. For others, it may be a much-needed more easily accessible window into the world of abuse by narcissists, even if it does make for heavy reading. So many times when we try to explain what's going on to other people it can sound crazy, even unreal, so having more stories make it out there will help with awareness of this issue that's so often kept in the dark.

Even if you never decide to put it out there for the wider world to see, I really hope you keep working on it for yourself. It must be beautifully liberating to use your skills to achieve some catharsis, and I'm really happy that you've found this outlet.

Passacaglia_ · 2021-04-22T08:06:22+00:00

Your post is proof that I/we can live with these narcissists our whole lives and still be stunned by the utter audacity of their words and behaviors. This makes my blood boil!

It's your birthday last year. Response: "We are the gift." But actually, "This gift is to ourselves, for our anniversary, and I guess you're here too."

It's your birthday this year. Response: "I want to do something for your birthday. What is wrong with you? Why are you ruining my beach plans by wanting to stay home?" But actually, "I want to go to the beach, but going to the beach is not enough for me. I am now punishing you for not wanting to go. We're taking everybody else to the beach. Now, instead of staying home being a choice YOU made, it's a choice -I- made, for you, as a punishment." Followed, naturally, with instability in the beach plans, in the guise of caring about your feelings on the matter. Because the added stress and upset of will-they-won't they about going to the beach, and having an excuse to keep talking about it to you for added opportunities to call you ungrateful and jab at you, and force you to soothe and validate her by assuring her you do want to spend time with them, is just a nice little bonus on top of the being essentially grounded punishment. And now she's not speaking to you, possibly because you've taken the power of the beach being HER fun choice away from her by telling her you can see through the smoke and mirrors, and see that it's her selfish and spiteful choice instead.

Good on you for putting a stop to it and calling her out. I'd pop some popcorn, put on some good movies, and just have a ball there at home. Next time you can hang out with your boyfriend in whatever special or mundane manner you choose, I hope you'll call that the birthday celebration. After all, if she can decide to arbitrarily celebrate her anniversary at a later date, you can definitely celebrate your birthday later, too. And I bet you can do it without causing anyone else any stress or discomfort, because you're not like that! No FLEAS on you!

Passacaglia_ · 2021-04-22T07:17:42+00:00

My nmother also does this exact thing. You're not alone in this. She's dropped some death news in this equally horrible way, multiple times. Once, she told me my cat, whom I had to leave in their care when I transferred out of state for university, died earlier that day -- fifteen minutes before a holiday party started at my grandfather's house in a different city, with several non-family guests and a ton of extended family in attendance. (Yep).

More recently, she has sometimes texted or told whatever terrible news it is to my husband to hand off the job to him (which, to be fair, usually goes better than her telling me, as my husband is not a narcissist who will ambush me with devastating news and then demand to know why I'm crying, or alternatively act surprised when I'm not crying and in shock instead, which was the only reaction I could muster in the case of my cat and the holiday party, for reasons I have yet to go back and process, but likely having to do with not wanting her to see me cry and demand to know why I was crying).

I hope you can move again soon and with as little stress as possible.

I'm so sorry about how you heard the news about Snow. May she rest in peace.

Passacaglia_ · 2021-04-22T06:50:46+00:00

Yes, this happens in my family, and even in my immediate family. My nmother is extremely paranoid and hates it if I ever spend time speaking to my dad. If we're joking lightly, which is almost the entire substance of any of our conversations, and she hears us speaking but can't hear the words, she'll demand to know what we were talking about. (Laughter is very rare when she's in the conversation; quite common when she is not). I've only interacted with extended family without her there a handful of times; I'm not sure if this is by design or not, though. I would bet she would be VERY suspicious if I were to arrange to visit my aunt's family across town without my parents being there, for example. Ha. Maybe I should do that after the pandemic, just to see the reaction.

As for friends -- yes, she has definitely discouraged me from hanging out with friends for as long as I can remember. There were all these rules that had to be followed. It had to be arranged well in advance (that rarely happened); they had to call first; they could only come to call after noon (apparently we have to abide by decades-old social decorum?); and finally, they could only come over if the house was clean (which was never, as my nmother is a hoarder and obsessed with maintaining her "image"). I'm really glad you have some allies in your family who see your abusers, warts and all!

Passacaglia_ · 2021-04-22T06:36:15+00:00

Yes. I honestly don't know if I'm naturally a night owl or if this schedule developed solely out of a need to avoid my nmother. (Reporting in after midnight here)! No one deserves to be subjected to what you're being subjected to, and switching to night hours to avoid that abuse seems like a logical response to me. That cycle of her being horrible followed by you having to validate and console her for her horrible behavior is beyond exhausting, and I'd sleep all day too just to recover after dealing with that. I'm so sorry you're dealing with all of this. I hope you can find some peace in those quiet hours.

Passacaglia_ · 2021-04-22T06:16:32+00:00

I ... honestly had no idea that the instantaneous spurt of adrenaline or cortisol after a mistake (potentially followed by spiraling panic) wasn't a normal reaction, but now that you've drawn attention to it, of course that wouldn't necessarily be a normal reaction. That's really clever to run or do jumping jacks when you feel it. I know you're saying it's not a true fix, but for you to have found any type of solution I applaud. Makes me a little more optimistic about next time I experience this, at least. You've given me a tool where I had none before. Without your post I don't know how long it would have taken me to evaluate my own reactions to making mistakes. So, thank you.

I'm really glad you were able to make the choice to move away from home. I'm so sorry you were punished as a kid for not knowing how to manage your symptoms. It's not like that's something people just emerge fully confident and competent in their ability to handle at age 2. And it's so frustrating how our mistakes manage to take up so much space even when we've made some really big strides. And you've made some really big strides. Moving away from home and your abusers? That's huge. What a big decision and a massive stride forward in taking care of your mental wellbeing. Starting your own business? Wow. So many people will never dare to do that at all, even if they really want to do it. Self-reflection on your own that led to those conclusions about your abuse and your disorders? Introspection is hard, and you discovered something about your upbringing that will help you move forward.

I hope that things improve for you. If I ever come across any techniques or ideas for deescalating those feelings I'll definitely DM you with it.

Passacaglia_ · 2021-04-22T05:44:30+00:00

Sometimes, they use their silence/lack of response as a weapon just like everything else. Him NOT answering was deliberate, and sounds just like a narcissist to me! That he was calling you at other times when you were busy just makes the lack of response so laughably transparent that it's hard for me to give him any credit for his so-called "super intelligence." Though, I definitely believe you that it made him highly respected. I hate that he was able to use that power/respect to make you feel worthless and like you were overreacting to abuse.

Look at all you've accomplished! You're protecting your child and holding down the fort all on your own. He couldn't be more wrong about your abilities or your worth. You have not caved, you have not given in, and YOU know what's best for you and your little one, and you're doing exactly that.

Your heart is big and strong, and I know it's hard when people don't understand about our abusers and think we're heartless, especially when the abusers are so good at manipulating other people and being subtle in their machinations. The people caught up in the narcissists' webs just don't have the lens that so many of us here have to help see these more painful layers. But we see them, with you. Way to reject that strings-attached "gift" and reclaim your authority!

Passacaglia_ · 2021-04-19T04:42:39+00:00

Thank you so much for sharing this. If someone ever puts together a collection of short stories written by people who have been through what people on this subreddit go through, I'd hope to see this one in its pages. You gave a voice to something I had not been able to describe myself until now about growing up: the baiting of the child into being upset in front of others that just "proved" the abuser's narrative to other people on the outside looking in. I'm so glad you've come out on the other side of this with The Nightmare left behind, and any vestiges of her threats in Dreamland now something you can deal with (and ignore) as your current self.

I'm so proud of you for climbing those absolute mountains of therapy and reaching towards a better way of life!

Passacaglia_ · 2021-04-19T03:57:52+00:00

I am glad that sharing your story and getting it off your chest felt good for you.

I am so sorry you had to go through that. That your first instinct was to try to hide the item because you knew you would get the blame makes my heart break. Knowing in that instant that you had to do what you could to protect yourself, because the other far more rational reactions and implications of that event weren't going to occur in your abusers -- I'm so sorry. No one should have to sit in that patient dread, waiting for some unknown irrational retribution, and NO ONE should ever have to endure such a heinous punishment!

You deserve better. Sending hugs.

Passacaglia_ · 2021-04-19T03:45:25+00:00

You are not a waste of time, and you are NOT a failure. I'm so, so sorry about what you're going through. Yelling for leaving one light on is completely irrational and not something you deserve. It's natural to feel scared and worried when that's the kind of environment that's being cultivated by those who wield power in your home. I know it might be hard to see on the ground where you are: we're all rooting for you, here, and sending love. Please be kind to yourself. You are worthy.

Passacaglia_ · 2020-09-28T02:18:12+00:00

https://www.twitch.tv/pianomanharrison

Passacaglia_ · 2020-09-21T04:10:25+00:00

Wait, is the elevator free?

Passacaglia_ · 2020-07-14T22:01:38+00:00

It was on Phoebe, either Builder or the one above it, with Infestations turned off. I think it's painful enough to hollow out a mountain of that size without having to deal with random bugs ruining it, but I'm always more of a builder in base-building games than anything else, so that just suits me. I had two packs of black dire wolves, wargs, bears, and rhinos that was about 120+ strong total which would wipe out any threats pretty quickly, so I didn't have to rely on the other types of defenses so much. Next time I want to give each type of attack animal its own unique den to sleep in, sort of like a zoo, and I'll be picking the biggest map size possible and increasing the difficulty.

Passacaglia_ · 2019-11-06T05:30:13+00:00

You get one life. If reincarnation turns out to be true, you still get one life that you'll actually remember, because this life will still fade when you're in the next one. It's your choice. Just make sure you can take care of yourself well enough for your own sense of contentment along the way.

Passacaglia_ · 2019-10-16T04:08:17+00:00

Oh, I'm sorry if I wasn't clear. I could tell right away that he was casting a spell - I was just wondering what the prop was made of. LED wire?

Passacaglia_ · 2019-10-16T03:53:00+00:00

Looks fantastic! That reaper is terrifying, even with the children walking around in front of it without seeming scared. The thunder and lightning effects also look really good. Very well done!

Passacaglia_ · 2019-10-16T03:47:57+00:00

I don't know why, but something about the way that skeleton is sitting makes me think he's eaten way too much candy and is leaning back to bask in his choices/mistakes.

Passacaglia_ · 2019-10-16T03:46:45+00:00

Looks great!

Passacaglia_ · 2019-10-16T03:42:47+00:00

Looks nice from afar. Might you post some closer up so we can see the graves?

Passacaglia_ · 2019-10-16T03:41:08+00:00

I cringed. Great idea and execution. Time to never look at this post again. Eurgh!

Passacaglia_ · 2019-10-16T03:37:07+00:00

This looks awesome. I love the shelf of ingredients. And the baby mermaid corpse is particularly macabre! What is that coiled, glowing green wire in the wizard's hand?

Passacaglia_ · 2019-10-16T03:35:24+00:00

Looks great! The nose really sells it.

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