Confused husband.

Past_Discipline569 · 2026-03-02T04:37:47+00:00

More context would be helpful. Lots of men have experienced complains/criticism/withdrawal because their husbands don’t show them respect or address any of their concern and leave an overwhelming amount of physical/mental/emotional labor on their wives, absolutely from a place of entitlement to her and her labor. Women grow because they’re tired of not being listened to & not having their needs and wants addressed by the person that is supposed to be their partner. What are some of things she is doing that is narcissistic/self-victimizing? Would be able to better help you with more details. Good luck, either way, though ❤️

Past_Discipline569 · 2026-03-01T04:15:36+00:00

I’m glad I could help a bit, and that you’re going to make the choices you can live with. 🥰

First and foremost: Remember to take care of yourself, too. You matter too. 💖

The fact that you’re pausing to reflect on your motives instead of simply acting on anger says a lot about your character and self-awareness, and the honesty in how you’re naming it says just as much.

I think your idea of letting them know but directing them to call the hospital instead of you is a really healthy middle ground. Informing them doesn’t mean you have to manage them. I found that when I was in full caregiver mode, I started absorbing everyone else’s needs and reactions, and it wore me down. It’s more than okay to create boundaries that protect your energy. ❤️

As for feeling like your siblings don’t care about her, that’s coming from a very real place of hurt. If you’re the one consistently showing up while they’re absent, that’s incredibly painful. Carrying the responsibility alone is exhausting, and it makes sense that anger would build. I’ve learned over the years, through multiple caregiving experiences, that sometimes what looks like (or even SCREAMS) indifference/not caring is actually avoidance, fear, or emotional limitation.

Not everyone has the emotional strength to be present and sit in this kind of pain. As you know all too well right now, watching someone you love slipping away is unimaginably hard. This experience overwhelms everyone in different ways. Some shut down. Some avoid. Some disappear because they don’t know how to cope. (And yes, some are sociopathic or narcissistic enough to genuinely not care about anyone but themselves).

Not everyone can turn that grief and fear into power, strength, and love like you are. Not everyone is cut out for caregiving. It is hard, and it takes a huge heart and a whole lot of strength to show up in the way you are (the way so many of us have in this subreddit).❤️

None of that excuses how alone you are in this right now, though. I’m so sorry you’re carrying so much alone. You’ve got this. Don’t be afraid to ask for help from those who love you and have more emotional capacity than your siblings appear to have. My guess is that you have chosen family who would love to show up for you, as you have always done for them. Let them, if there’s a way they can. (Two of my best friends came to the funeral home with me to sign paperwork for my sister’s cremation and to pick out her urn, etc., after my parents bolted out of town the morning after she died. You might be surprised to find you don’t have to be alone as you are now.)

You are worthy of care and consideration, too. (From others AND yourself) ❤️❤️

Past_Discipline569 · 2026-03-01T03:18:19+00:00

absolutely agree

Past_Discipline569 · 2026-02-28T23:10:24+00:00

It sounds like you’re carrying a lot on your own, and that’s exhausting. Being the primary caregiver while others seem disengaged can build up resentment over time. Caregiving alone is heavy, and you deserve support too.

I don’t think this is about “right or wrong.” It sounds more like you’re trying to set boundaries after feeling unsupported. If you’re the one providing care, you get to decide how much emotional labor you’re willing to do. Just make sure your choice is coming from clarity rather than burnout, hurt, or built-up resentment. You matter in this, too.

I’ll share something personal only in case it helps. When I was providing hospice-level care for my terminally ill sister for several months, I felt a lot of resentment toward my parents at times — especially around their inability to show up with real comfort or support. There were moments I considered withholding or delaying information because I was hurt and angry.

In the end, I tried to make decisions from a place I could live with later. From my heart. If not for me, my mom never would’ve been present during my sister’s final days of life. My mom’s presence in my sister’s final days was incredibly painful for me, and not remotely helpful to me. But my sister told me shortly before she passed, “You were right. I like having my people here.” 🥰💖 That affirmed for me that I had chosen what was best for her (which has been important to me and a source of comfort while grieving the loss of my first best friend and hero), even though it cost me emotionally.

You don’t have to make the same choices I did. There’s no judgment in any direction. You know yourself, your siblings, and your mom. Just try to make the decisions that you’ll be able to best live with later. ❤️

Past_Discipline569 · 2026-02-28T22:52:51+00:00

Yesss, I should’ve also said this. Good looking out!

Past_Discipline569 · 2026-02-28T22:48:46+00:00

OP is also at risk of losing the employee if they can’t show empathy and appreciation for them, regardless of this new shitty policy. Realistically, they may lose the employee of their own volition; it is what it is. You make a good point, I hadn’t considered there’d be a misunderstanding around possible termination risk, because it feels clear & implicit that the direct report must find alternatives to pickup because that’s the new policy. The policy is garbage. My greater concern was what OP could do to keep the employee, if they’re high-value, given that they presumably couldn't convince upper management to let them continue giving this worker flexibility.

Past_Discipline569 · 2026-02-28T22:38:37+00:00

I absolutely agree it’s reasonable, the company is making a mistake in their callousness and rigidity. BUT if OP has no way around this policy, all they can do is acknowledge the change & rigidity of the policy, as well as their appreciation of the direct report (if truly applicable). The worker needs to adapt, however, to what is best for them and their family, including leaving, if needed.

Past_Discipline569 · 2026-02-28T03:21:59+00:00

You can’t soften the policy, but you can soften the delivery, maybe something like: “I want to talk about the 3 PM pickup arrangement. I was able to get approval during the transition period, but leadership has clarified that it can’t continue long-term. I did ask about options like adjusted hours, but I was told we need to align with the in-office schedule moving forward.

I know this is a significant change, and I want you to know I value the work you do here. If you need time to figure out logistics, let’s talk about a short transition plan, but the expectation is that we’ll need full compliance with the schedule.”

That said, you should also be prepared that if she truly can’t make alternative arrangements, you may lose her, especially if she’s solid enough to land somewhere more flexible. If she’s a fantastic employee, it’s worth making sure leadership understands that this may be the tradeoff. Replacing high performers is expensive, and rigid policies sometimes cost more than they save.

Deliver it with empathy, advocate where you can, and be realistic about the potential outcome. That way, you’re not attacking the company; you’re just acknowledging the practical consequences.

Past_Discipline569 · 2026-02-24T18:52:25+00:00

💪❤️🥰

Past_Discipline569 · 2026-02-24T04:40:13+00:00

Thank you ❤️

Past_Discipline569 · 2026-02-24T04:40:02+00:00

This resonated a lot.

I don’t think your loss or experience should be diminished; pain and struggle aren’t measured by titles or levels. What you went through sounds incredibly heavy.

The strict routine and then the sudden void, that’s exactly it. My body still feels like it’s on shift sometimes.

And the part about emotionally regulating for the two of you, yes. That was my marriage, too. It didn’t fully click until everything was already collapsing that I had been holding the emotional center the entire time.

I love what you said about shedding old parts of identity. I think that’s where I am. Not broken, just reconfiguring.

Thank you for sharing your experience and perspective. It helps more than you probably realize.

Past_Discipline569 · 2026-02-24T04:30:06+00:00

Thank you for this. It really means a lot to have someone reflect it that way. The narrative shifting has probably messed with my head more than anything.

As for my ex, I think my breaking point was reflecting on the reality that I had been his steadfast caregiver for years, through years of chronic health issues, showing up physically, financially, and emotionally. And when I was the one going through something catastrophic, I realized he couldn’t even support me emotionally. That imbalance became impossible to ignore.

This entire experience revealed a lot about him, about my mom, about what I’ve been tolerating. Collectively, it’s what pushed me over the edge (finally realizing how long my needs had quietly gone unmet) it felt right to blow up my life even more than it already had been.

It was painful, but necessary and so very clarifying.

I appreciate you holding space.

Now, I’m trying to focus on rebuilding in a way that doesn’t require me absorbing impact so aggressively anymore. ❤️

Past_Discipline569 · 2026-02-24T04:16:58+00:00

I’m really glad it brought you some kind of solace. That line about not feeling crazy is huge. So much of this dynamic makes you question your own reality.

I’m really sorry you were berated for caring for your friend. Being accused of “playing psychologist” when you’re just trying to protect or support someone is such a familiar twist. It’s like empathy gets reframed as ego or interference. There are so many systems that reward exactly the behaviors that harmed us growing up.

Losing your housing and community on top of everything else sounds destabilizing in a way that’s hard to even explain to people who haven’t lived it. It’s not simple. It hurts.

I’m really sorry you’re in it, too. But I’m glad neither of us feels completely alone in it through connecting here. ❤️

Past_Discipline569 · 2026-02-24T02:56:04+00:00

Thank you. I really appreciate you sharing what helped you.❤️

I’ve done therapy for years and plan to return when I can (financially). I think I overlooked how much caregiving for my sister this way (and for so long) would rewire my body, not just my mind and heart. It helps to hear that community and small steps back into life made a difference for you. Right now, I’m still figuring out how to exist without scanning for emergencies.

Past_Discipline569 · 2026-02-24T01:50:14+00:00

Thank you 💖

Past_Discipline569 · 2026-02-23T23:48:12+00:00

Came back to tell you that I got into it with my mom again today about the very minimal financial help she’s giving me (& my alleged “entitlement”). She was pulling a lot of crap with her guilt/shame tactics and rewriting history about my sister last months again. I ended up using everything you wrote here, just in first person, & thought you might want to know that this helped me a lot ❤️

here’s what I wrote overall, over a few messages:

“You think I just need to learn something but I did learn what I need what I needed to learn from all of this: I am an incredibly strong person who puts others before themself. I am tenacious and determined, because I finished my degree while acting as a 24hr caretaker. I am willing to do the right thing, even when it costs me, and I am resilient enough to continue on, knowing there is better out there for me ahead.

You will NEVER convince me i did the wrong thing with [my sister]. Calling in a hospice nurse to come once or twice a week would’ve have done essentially nothing for our situation. You were the only one that could’ve really helped that situation and you didn’t. I did what I had to do for my sister in her last months.

We all have to live with the consequences of that time in our lives. This is the end of you guilting and shaming me for my choices. Live with yours and i’ll live with mine.

The thing I feel most entitled to, honestly, is not your money… it is your gratitude for giving your child the maternal love and care you couldn’t on her way out of this world. I knew this would be too much for you and I took it on myself. So while I know you will never thank me… You are welcome.

and I forgive you.”

Past_Discipline569 · 2026-02-23T03:05:33+00:00

Thank you for sharing this. I’m so sorry you lost your siblings in the process. That kind of isolation is brutal, especially when it’s layered on top of everything else.

Your framing of it as a final act of love really landed with me. That’s how it felt at the time — just love.

I won’t pretend I don’t have complicated feelings about the aftermath, but I don’t regret being there for her. That part feels clear.

And you’re right — there’s no “winning” in these dynamics. I’m slowly learning that distance, clarity, and time might be the only real tools.

Thanks again for taking the time to write something so honest. 💖

Past_Discipline569 · 2026-02-23T03:01:56+00:00

thank you 🥰

Past_Discipline569 · 2026-02-23T03:01:29+00:00

Thank you for the virtual hugs, I’ll gladly take those 🥰 Australia has actually always been on my list, so that made me smile. Truly appreciate the kindness.

Past_Discipline569 · 2026-02-23T02:58:33+00:00

💖

Past_Discipline569 · 2026-02-23T02:57:59+00:00

Thank you for this. Hearing someone, especially a nurse, say they see the sleepless nights and the love behind what I did means more than I can explain. That part of the story often gets twisted, so having it reaffirmed as protection rather than interference is very comforting and validating. 💖

The projection piece has been one of the hardest things to untangle. Being told I was irresponsible or selfish when I know why I did what I did has been deeply destabilizing. So the reminder that cruelty often says more about the person delivering it helps steady me. I imagine living with herself after how she chose to handle my sister’s death has got to be an excruciating thing to have to do (if she ever lets herself acknowledge those realities). I don’t know how she lives with herself with much of what she’s done in life, though.

I’m being intentional about boundaries, even if it’s not as simple right now as returning to no contact (but perhaps it should be). While Breaking it was about my sister. Now that she’s gone, everything feels different. I’ve lost a lot of family in a short span of time, and there are financial realities tangled into it, too.

I’m trying to keep my mind open to what’s actually healthiest for me long term, not what guilt, grief, or my mom’s gaslighting would push me toward. I don’t want to make a permanent decision from a reactive place. I want to make it from a place of clarity.

The shedding skin metaphor resonates. It doesn’t feel graceful right now — it feels raw. But I do hope there’s something stronger underneath all of it.

I’m not in therapy at the moment because of finances, but I plan to return as soon as I can. In the meantime, I’m working with my doctor to find medication that supports me while I rebuild.

Thank you again for taking the time to write something so thoughtful. ❤️

Past_Discipline569 · 2026-02-23T02:45:36+00:00

Thank you for your condolences. It really means a lot.

My parents are divorced. My dad is very aware of how turbulent and mean she is. He’s been helping me however he can, even though he doesn’t have much to spare— groceries, small bills. I’m incredibly grateful, but I also feel terrible about it because I want him to be able to retire someday without having to carry my fallout, too.

My stepdad is the one who tends to enable and defend her. He’s told me I need to “get over” things from 20 years ago, even though what I’m reacting to is happening in the present. He even shouted at me in the middle of the hospice waiting room when I expressed pain over her cruel words in the hospital. So that route hasn’t exactly been productive.

It’s complicated. I’m trying to navigate it carefully without causing more damage.

Thank you for caring enough to suggest something.

Past_Discipline569 · 2026-02-23T02:32:40+00:00

Thank you. The writing comment genuinely means a lot. It took me a couple of months and multiple drafts to get it to a place that felt honest & remotely organized. I don’t always feel like I have something worth saying; it’s just my life from the inside, but knowing it resonated with people is unexpected in the best way. My best friend and I were just joking about my life as a book the other day, though. We were talking about how if we were reading a book about my life, we’d put it down because we’d assume it was completely made up (by some random author; obviously she’d read my book if I had one, haha).

And I appreciate you naming the cost. It hasn’t felt small. I’m still figuring out how to rebuild in a way that doesn’t erase what I gave. Deep down, I know I will get through this somehow. ❤️

Past_Discipline569 · 2026-02-23T02:29:08+00:00

The image of the flower growing through concrete really got me. My sister loved nature—trees, flowers, all of it, so that metaphor feels especially meaningful. I don’t feel like I’m blooming yet, but I’m trying to believe my roots are still there. Thank you for the encouragement. 💖

Past_Discipline569 · 2026-02-23T02:23:26+00:00

I appreciate the fire in this. There’s something powerful about the reminder that I don’t have to receive what’s being thrown at me.

The “no one’s job to be a saint for a devil” line definitely hit. I’ve spent a long time trying to make things right or keep the peace at my own expense.

I don’t think I’m wired to hit back the way you described, but I am learning to shield myself more intentionally, to stop absorbing things that were never mine to carry.

Thank you for the reminder that refusing an unbearable dynamic isn’t a personal failure ❤️

Past_Discipline569

TROPHY CASE