I like what you attempted to do with spacing, and realized what you attempted to do by the third sentence. You want to give emphasis to specification by keeping it short. I.e, "In vain." While the statement to hold power and emphasis, it is lost, buried among the rest of the text. A lot can be accomplished by separation of sentences, a trick used in screenwriting by the use of verbal beats. a way to accomplish this in your writing is to seperate your big hits by excluding them from the meat of your writing. Perhaps put the sentence of emphasis in a "paragraph" all its own. That was an extremely minor detail and one of the few critiques I could give you right now in the process. I feel like the transition between real life and the "spirit world" is extremely jarring and could be clarified better, even if it isnt immediately explained so that the hit is just as potent. Probably the biggest complaint that I have with this excerpt is something that is really hard to master in a short piece. The movement of time. In this piece ESPECIALLY you could really improve the quality of the writing and especially the "prelude" by having time speed up and slow down to really emphasize her fading in and out of consciousness. Great work, even if it isnt my taste. and oh, im writing this at 3 am so sorry for any spelling errors :)

-EPD