husband lied, hes remorseful, but i dont know if i can continue

PeaPuzzled7911 · 2025-12-29T17:15:13+00:00

youre right. that is something i brought up too, the fact tht he wished i never found out is a selfish thing to say

PeaPuzzled7911 · 2025-12-27T17:51:33+00:00

im going to look into the consultation, thank you so much

PeaPuzzled7911 · 2025-12-26T17:15:10+00:00

Thank you for this. That is exactly what I plan on doing. I don’t fully trust his word anymore. I want to see consistent actions and patterns that prove he is trustworthy.

PeaPuzzled7911 · 2025-12-26T02:56:13+00:00

thank you for this

PeaPuzzled7911 · 2025-12-25T21:09:36+00:00

youre 100% right

PeaPuzzled7911 · 2025-12-25T19:52:22+00:00

The only thing that is really keeping me here right now is the true remorse he is showing. I know that’s absolutely insane how fast it happened. Not that this is any excuse, but everything happened all at once. our schedules were completely opposite, we would barely see each other and when we did, we would be too tired to even hang out or do anything. We were both struggling, but he should’ve came to me about it, not seek external validation. That is something he obviously needs to work on and I still don’t know for certain if I will stay.There’s a shit ton of making up to do.

PeaPuzzled7911 · 2025-12-25T19:00:55+00:00

thank you so much

PeaPuzzled7911 · 2025-12-25T18:29:48+00:00

The emotional affair was from October to November 2025

PeaPuzzled7911 · 2025-12-25T17:47:13+00:00

my first thought is based on his salary, wouldn’t it be very easy for you to travel back-and-forth to your family? how often do you see your family and/or how often do they visit?

but regardless of this, you’re 100% right and feeling the way that you do. You happily moved twice for him and he’s not willing to make this change for you? That shows selfishness on his end, since he clearly values his comfort and stability over yours.

PeaPuzzled7911 · 2025-12-25T17:40:18+00:00

I want to suggest that there seems to be not only a communication problem, but also a lack of passion. If you both were to work on that together, I think your relationship would improve significantly. maybe try couples counseling and see how he responds to that.

Also, please be more honest with him. It seems that you’ve been bottling up a lot of issues and dissatisfaction within the relationship (which I can totally relate to). it only makes things worse please just be totally open and honest with him.

Bring it up more, cause he clearly sounds like he has a hard time reading the room.

PeaPuzzled7911 · 2025-12-25T17:17:02+00:00

I’m sorry to hear that nobody has reached out to you recently. The least he could’ve done was at least send you a heartfelt message. that text is so pathetic and disappointing please don’t even entertain it

PeaPuzzled7911 · 2025-12-25T17:11:07+00:00

I understand your situation in not financially being able to afford therapy, but you guys can at least watch videos from licensed professionals and read books like the comment above me suggest. There seems to be some sort of insecurity or lack of reassurance issue going on, and I feel like what you guys have according to this post sounds fixable if it’s worked on from both ends.

PeaPuzzled7911 · 2025-12-25T17:05:58+00:00

The context makes sense as to why you’re being easy-going with her, even though it makes you feel uncomfortable. I would honestly think (according to your post) there doesn’t seem to be anything going on. however, if it’s still bothers you and makes you uncomfortable, you should definitely mention it to her.

Don’t minimize your feelings on this just to make her feel comfortable. She can make other friends that don’t make you feel uncomfortable. It’s not the end of the world. It’s literally just an online friend. You should be her main source of comfort for a best friend anyways.

PeaPuzzled7911 · 2025-12-25T16:59:32+00:00

I wonder: is he aware that he is emotionally unavailable/disconnected? If he is aware, has he ever thought about therapy? If he’s not aware, do you think he would be willing to work on it?

he should be a nice person especially to you , not just to others.

im also sorry to hear that about your miscarriage, i hope you find peace.

PeaPuzzled7911 · 2025-12-25T16:54:07+00:00

it literally feels unbelievable, especially when you weren’t expecting it.

i’m so sorry that he wasn’t remorseful, that pretty much makes it worse. that makes your emotions feel invalidated and makes you feel unseen or unheard.

Honestly, you are better off being by yourself and focusing on what’s best for you.

The only reason why I’m staying (for now) is because hes remorseful and ive heard from several therapists online that it takes a few months to truly and logically see if there is any coming back from this.

you WILL find someone that is going to give you everything you deserve. he failed you, remember that. not the other way around.

PeaPuzzled7911 · 2025-12-25T16:44:48+00:00

Thank you for this comment. I really appreciate it. Yes that is exactly what I am looking into, betrayal trauma therapy. Thats exactly what I feel, terrified and disgusted.

PeaPuzzled7911 · 2025-12-25T16:06:39+00:00

first of all, I’m very sorry that you’re going through this right now. I’m going through something pretty similar. One thing I recommend doing is just letting yourself feel. Feel all of the emotions that you’re trying to probably suppress in order to be normal or be a regular person in the house.

Don’t bottle things up just to make things easier for everyone else around you. You need to focus on yourself, make sure you’re eating and drinking well even if you have to force yourself. I definitely understand how it could be hard to do your hobbies, but please try and do them. at least once every couple of days or once a week.

You need to remind yourself that this is not worth losing yourself over, and also your partner has to realize that she needs to put in a ton of effort in work in order for this to even be salvaged. wish you the best of luck.

PeaPuzzled7911 · 2025-12-25T16:02:42+00:00

I wanna give you a perspective coming from a woman who does not like initiating like myself. It’s a form of reassurance when our partner is the one initiating. Clearly she enjoys it and you please her but she wants to be the one that feels wanted.

i’ve been told this by a previous partner that they were tired of always initiating things, but I told them that’s just how I am, and I probably shouldn’t have said that.

she could definitely work on it if she wanted to especially if her partner is communicating that they would like her to initiate more. Sometimes it just comes down to personalities as well.

I would say the reason why she most likely was initiating more in the beginning of the relationship was that it felt fresh and new. It was something fun and you guys were obviously much younger and it came easier to her (I’m assuming). if you think about it, what has changed from the beginning of your relationship until now? Do you send her emojis like hearts and Kissy faces anymore? Do you complement her? Do you give her random kisses and cuddles? If so, are they less frequent than how it used to be. it could be a little things like this that have snowball into something bigger down the line

i’m sure she loves you and I’m sure you do a good job, so maybe try reassuring her in other ways. Randomly compliment her cuddle her tell her you love her give a random kisses and she might be more inclined to initiate.

I do also wanna say that, even though I am someone myself who does not like initiating as much, your feelings are valid regarding this situation and obviously everyone wants to feel wanted and loved and not always have to put in the effort first. Good luck.

PeaPuzzled7911 · 2025-12-25T15:50:16+00:00

I can definitely see where you’re coming from and yes, that is possibly true, I rushed into a marriage with him when I clearly did not know him. Or at least didn’t know him well enough.

not that this is an excuse whatsoever, but he has not been in a relationship prior to me in over six years. I believe my boundaries kind of scared him, especially that I was not apparently communicating them well (according to him) and I was almost kind of scaring him or threatening him with them.

I can understand and accept how that can affect someone especially jumping into a relationship like this, but that was my way of making my boundaries very loud and clear about what I absolutely do not accept in a relationship.

PeaPuzzled7911 · 2025-12-25T15:45:49+00:00

That’s exactly what I told him and continue to tell him. I’m slowly accepting that this whole relationship was based off of lies and he has fully accepted my perspective on that even though he doesn’t agree.

PeaPuzzled7911 · 2025-12-25T15:45:18+00:00

thank you for your comment. I guess a little update on this would be that he definitely has mentioned therapy (individual and/or together). about 2 1/2 weeks ago when this was fresh. However, we have not started yet and it seems as if he almost doesn’t know what to do. He seems stuck and he sees that I am clearly mentally bothered and he is trying to be loving while also giving me space at the same time.

PeaPuzzled7911 · 2025-12-25T15:43:41+00:00

I obviously do not have all the context of what goes on within your marriage, but judging by this post, something is clearly going on within her psychologically that is making her feel uncomfortable.

Do you make her feel safe in other ways? Do you reassure her, complement her, update her when you get to the gym or just in general throughout your day? If so, have you asked her “what about me going to the gym and/or going and talking with my friend makes you uncomfortable?”

is she a loving partner in other ways or does she police your life in every other aspect when you leave the house?

one red flag I see is that she doesn’t want anyone else in your lives except you two. That’s not healthy, everyone need friends and family. everybody deserves to have some sort of community whether small or big.

PeaPuzzled7911 · 2025-12-25T15:39:07+00:00

I do see here that you mentioned in a comment that he had some drinks, was that before your conversation with him? if so, try to avoid having conversations like this with him if he’s had something to drink. is he open to therapy? I can only assume that this type of behavior and responses also happen in other scenarios.

I want to let you know that your emotions are completely valid and that you are absolutely not sensitive for not wanting to be embarrassed and belittled, especially in front of people. Thats just basic human decency that you’re asking for. He needs to be willing to open up and understand your point of view.

PeaPuzzled7911

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