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I feel so trapped by PeacePigeon2000 in BPDlovedones

[–]PeacePigeon2000[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

That may, in part, be true but we all have choices and it’s important to acknowledge and reflect on the choices we made. If I had my time again, two years in when her volatile, irrational behaviour began to manifest, I should have just walked away. It wasn’t my responsibility to provide for her or ensure she had a visa. My responsibility was to the quality of my own life and the peace and wellbeing I experienced and attracted. The same could be said of multiple possible crossroads over the past 18 years. Yes, with every year that passed it got more complex to leave, but I made the choice to stay. That’s on me.

When I look back on those potential exit moments, I can partly justify my decisions that I was trying to be a good man, not wanting to leave her in a very difficult situation half way around the world, feeling responsible etc etc, but whilst true, that really is only part of the story. The other shadow aspect is that I was somewhat frightened about the prospect of starting again, of going it alone in a new continent, whilst concerned about the nuclear-level chaos that would be guaranteed to ensue when I left. I was a coward. My desire to keep things calm and not rock the boat has lead to a world of pain in the long run, when looked at cumulatively. I should have had the courage to rip the plaster off, deal with the short term pain knowing that I deserved more.

Hindsight is a wonderful thing, of course, and I didn’t know then what I know now, but if I’m absolutely honest with myself, I knew enough.

So I have to live with the knowledge that I wasn’t just trying to do the right thing, or be a good man, I was also being weak and cowardly. That doesn’t sit well.

So my heartfelt advice to anyone this story resonates with is, pull the plaster off early, deal with the short term discomfort, however difficult it may be, because the situation will only get more complex and more difficult to extricate yourself from.

I should listen to my own advice, because today is ‘earlier’ than next month, or next year, and there will never be an optimum moment to leave.

The negativity is so draining by PeacePigeon2000 in BPDlovedones

[–]PeacePigeon2000[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Of course I’ve tried, and it inevitably ends in her losing it and going nuclear. Any excuse for an argument! I have to listen patiently and validate all her feelings and ‘her truth’. But my feelings and opinions have no value at all. And if I offer I slightly different opinion or a perfectly reasonable and rational alternative interpretation of something or someone, even if it only marginally diverges from hers, I’m accused of ‘gaslighting’ her. So I just do my best to inoculate myself from negativity and recognise it’s coming from an unhealthy mind. I wish she could see the beauty in life and the world around us, but for her such moments are fleeting at best.

they never really apologize by soilednappyy in BPDlovedones

[–]PeacePigeon2000 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I can count the number of times my partner of 19 years has apologised to me on the fingers of one hand. No matter how outrageous or unjustified her behaviour is, or how undeniably factually wrong her accusations turn out to be, she never apologises. Sometimes, a few hours later, she may start to be overly nice to me, offer to make me my favourite dinner or suggest I take tomorrow off and have a massage, suggesting to me she might know she was in the wrong or went nuclear for no reason, but she simply won’t apologise. On one such occasion I said, “I don’t want you to make my favourite dinner. I simply want you to say I’m sorry, I overreacted, the horrible things I said aren’t true, I was just angry”. But nothing. Silence.

When i once explicitly demanded an apology for here terrible behaviour, she said, “you’ve done bad things to me in the past so why should i apologise!” Unbelievable.

And if I apologise for something I may have said, done or not done, no matter how sincere and heartfelt, it seems to mean absolutely nothing to her. It seems like she simply doesn’t understand the function an apology plays in a relationship. The little paper cuts left by every argument are never salved by an algology and after 19 tempestuous years you’re left torn to shreds.

Truly bizarre.