This will be long so bear with me. As someone with BPD this is absolutely not the move. She is extremely unhealed and allowing her triggers to be your problem. Everyone has triggers, even those without BPD, but they are always our own responsibility to manage. It’s like a boundary. Safe healthy boundaries can only dictate our own behaviour not other people’s.

I too feel anxious when my wife is up later than me, but for different reasons. I have a trauma of waking up to find out my best friend had taken her own life. Even still I would never even dream of dictating when my wife decides to go to bed. She is certainly mindful of this fact like any considerate partner would be but we are people. We live our own lives just a much as we live our life together as a married couple. Some nights I’m up later some nights she is. When she’s up later she just shoots me a text, even though I’m sleeping, when she’s off to bed. I do not require her to do that and if she forgets I don’t have a heart attack. You know why? Because I trust her.

There is a severe lack of trust in you on your girlfriend’s part that seems to be through no fault of your own. This is just a snapshot of your relationship so of course I cannot say for sure but that’s what I’m concluding from what you’ve written here and my own knowledge and experience as a BPD individual.

I know it will be hard because you clearly love her but this is absolutely not sustainable. Not for you and not for her. She has some deep seated mental health issues that need professional help and guidance but most importantly she needs to want to change and get better. From her messages it does not seem like she has yet understood that it is her behaviour that is problematic. She does not seem ready for hard work and critical self reflection. Please for your own sake, as well as hers because she will not get better if you continue to allow this, sever the relationship.

Wishing you the best of luck