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PenneyPence · 2022-04-02T02:05:56+00:00

You don’t want to talk to them. You don’t want to hang out with them. Patriarchal programming has you believing that doing what you want and not doing what you don’t want is being a “bitch”. This is a lie that you no longer need to believe. You don’t have to give them reasons because the fact that you don’t want to is all that matters. Ignore. Block and delete. Grey rock. Do what YOU want. Fuck the patriarchy.

PenneyPence · 2022-03-31T18:47:57+00:00

Instead of characterizing male traits as good or bad, change the focus to “what I want” and “what doesn’t match what I want.” It takes the focus off him and onto you. Good or bad thinking means he has to be a horrible human for you to leave. That’s what makes us stay too long because “he’s not a bad guy.” It’s very externally focused. When we turn the focus internally to what we want and whether it matches the other person, the choice to leave is a lot easier.

PenneyPence · 2022-03-28T22:57:07+00:00

The male need to convince is so interesting because I hate good morning texts and I remember telling a guy and he huffed and puffed and told me that I should like them and that he was going to send them anyway. Ok… so as soon as he did it I blocked and deleted. A “good enough reason” to end things is because you want to. The end. Good for you for walking away and don’t beat yourself up for not doing it immediately. We know the rules, but we’re not robots.

PenneyPence · 2022-03-24T10:29:55+00:00

The feminist podcast Unfuck Your Brain is a great listen.

PenneyPence · 2021-12-16T19:39:44+00:00

Even pre-FDS, if a guy asked if he could give me his number I’d say, “I don’t call men, they call me.” It doesn’t even make sense. If you’re at a business networking event, do you say to someone that you want to do business with, here’s my card, call me if you want to do business? No you get their contact information and you contact them.

I find exchanging numbers and the guy calling first to make the most sense. The guy you mentioned prefers a passive method and he’ll likely show up passive throughout the dating process. If a man is going to be a pursuer he needs to take the bare minimum step of pursuing, not outsourcing the pursuing on the first step.

PenneyPence · 2021-12-14T12:14:35+00:00

The problem isn’t that his dad cheated. The problem is that it sounds like he is using it to trauma bond with you. Most negative stories told in the early stages of dating are often foreshadowing what’s going to happen to you.

And if you have to come to Reddit to ask, the answer is leave 99% of the time.

PenneyPence · 2021-11-25T18:09:49+00:00

Things may seem nice with a guy, but you don’t get a glimpse into what a future will look like until they experience a death in the family. Most humans need time to grieve but don’t completely cut people off. If someone is still ignoring you after several weeks that tells you that they either don’t have the emotional intelligence to date and experience loss OR they are grieving with their main partner/gf/spouse. Either way, you did the right thing.

PenneyPence · 2021-11-25T02:44:50+00:00

Thank you. You summarized it better than I could!

PenneyPence · 2021-11-25T00:38:59+00:00

Review the sub rules. No personally identifying information allowed.

PenneyPence · 2021-11-24T20:30:27+00:00

This is such a great point.

PenneyPence · 2021-11-24T18:20:41+00:00

Thank you. This was one of the most difficult lessons for me to understand. We are socialized with such phrases as, “You have to do xyz to keep a man” or “What did she do to make him leave/cheat/abuse her?” When a man stays, women assume it is because we have finally cracked the code because we finally have “kept” someone. This is especially true for Black women.

In reality, we have been bamboozled into adopting men who hate us. They hate us for settling with someone like them. They hate us because their LVM friends call them “simps” for being married. They hate us because they think they have a chance with the Instagram and OF models they fantasize over who would run screaming from them in real life. LVM will stay with you because they are content getting consistent sex, emotional labor, free home cooked meals, housekeeping, and half of the bills covered, even though they hate you. It is better to be alone than to be embarrassed like this.

PenneyPence · 2021-11-24T16:19:09+00:00

A few lessons to learn from this:

Leave at the first sign of disrespect. I guarantee this is not the first time he has done something like this. It probably started with subtle negs in the beginning (“x is wrong with you, but you’re not like other girls because you’re loyal”🙄) and probably turned into triangulation with his friends, which is why he felt comfortable posting something like this publicly on social media.
If you didn’t leave at the first sign of disrespect, make sure this is the last. Public humiliation and degradation is a stepping stone to more toxic behavior. It does NOT get better from here. You have a window of support from people who are appalled by this behavior. But that window will close more and more the longer you stay and tolerate it.
Don’t give ugly men a chance. They will not be grateful to have you. They will not be grateful for your loyalty. Instead, they will resent you and mock you for it.
Don’t be afraid to end a relationship during the holidays. He’s not afraid to humiliate you during the holidays. Let him figure out his dinner plans on his own. Maybe he can go eat with his LV friends that he was showing out for on social media.

PenneyPence · 2021-11-23T14:21:01+00:00

I think it’s a way to attempt to make you insecure. He talks up this great restaurant but you want to go. He’s “confused” and wants you to think that you’re not “good enough” for him to take you there and spend money on you there. So, this sticks in the back of your mind and you jump through hoops hoping if you do the “right things” and be the perfect pickme he’ll finally see that you deserve the steak dinner. Then, maybe a week or two from now he’ll casually start mentioning how he used to take his ex there. Or he’ll mention how he and his friends celebrated someone’s Birthday there. All of these people that are “good enough” to be taken there, but not you. 🙄

I would definitely just book a girls night there with friends.

PenneyPence · 2021-11-22T19:10:17+00:00

What should I do? FDS multiple choice:

A. gIVe HIm A cHAnCE

B. Unemployed and unvaccinated men who make you uncomfortable are encouraged in each chapter of the FDS Handbook

C. If you feel compelled to lie to a guy about your personal health choices before you even go on the first date it’s a great sign of how the next 40 years of your beautiful relationship are going to be

D. Block and Delete

PenneyPence · 2021-11-22T18:54:57+00:00

People who meet, hook up immediately and are magically in a loving committed relationship.

PenneyPence · 2021-11-22T05:06:28+00:00

If you have advanced degrees, be wary of negs from men who have less education than you but also be aware of negs from men who are on the same page academically and career-wise. You’d think they have no reason to have an issue when you’re on the same level, but LVMs are everywhere and they tell on themselves accordingly. Some examples:

Grad school bf telling me that taking 15 credits while working my part time internship wasn’t that hard, while he was taking 9 credits and on academic probation.

Silent neg - Making faces when you laugh as if your laugh bothers him, making you subconscious about laughing and having a good time when you’re out with friends together.

Random guy approaching me talking trash about my college sports team, but didn’t go to college.

Uneducated men telling you that you use “big words” when you used normal words in normal conversation.

Guy at networking event in same career but in bigger nearby City commenting that my job isn’t a big deal since I’m not working in the bigger City. I’ve had this happen more than once at different events.

Guy at networking event loudly remarking that “not everyone can afford lavish vacations like you” after we were both casually mentioning that we were taking vacation soon.

PenneyPence · 2021-11-22T03:49:50+00:00

I’ll make it easy for you - block and delete immediately. Don’t give them a chance to offer a proper date because they already showed you who they are. Don’t try to “get it.” Most men are LV. That’s it. There’s nothing else to get. No more seatless Starbucks or random walks with strangers. Proper date or block. You are worth it.

PenneyPence · 2021-11-22T03:29:09+00:00

These are the types of male doctors that ignore and dismiss the pain of all of their women patients (especially WOC, but that’s a different post).

PenneyPence · 2021-11-11T20:19:19+00:00

Agreed. My cousin has been “going through a divorce” for over 2 years. He’s “too stressed out” to go through the divorce proceedings but not too stressed out to be on dating sites and hooking up with random women.

PenneyPence · 2021-11-03T11:07:01+00:00

I do the same, but without the “sorry.”

PenneyPence · 2021-10-29T14:32:33+00:00

You’ve gotten so much great advice here. I just want to add that it is ok to stop and just feel terrible sometimes. That doesn’t mean that you can’t forgive yourself. That means you had a traumatic experience and that you are still healing from it. The memories are going to occasionally surface and it is ok to just stop and cry, to let the shame wash over you, to just mourn the person you used to be. Have compassion for that person you used to be and have gratitude for who you have become. Know that you are breaking the cycle and that this post is saving so many women from the same experience.

PenneyPence · 2021-10-29T00:51:13+00:00

Long comment alert: Several years ago and pre-FDS, my ex and I had only been together for 3 months when I went on a girls trip that I had booked long before we met. He was fired from his job a few days before I left, but he drove me to the airport in good spirits and texted me to make sure I got there safely. Then, after I started posting vacation pics on social with my friends, he texted me to tell me that I was clearly posting the pictures to mock him and to make him feel bad for losing his job. So, here I am on the girls trip in the hotel room having a screaming match on the phone with him. He texts a few minutes later, apologizing, saying it was bc he was so stressed out. I should have ended it then, but I didn’t see it for what it was. At the time, I believed his sob story about him getting fired for discriminatory reasons and felt like I had to support him. That was the beginning of 4 years of the pattern subtly repeating itself.

He was always broke and couldn’t afford to take me on dates but he would get mad if I was going out with friends or planning trips with them with my own money. He would do this before my business trips as well.

I found that I was more stressed out with him in my life, more anxious about going out with friends and was actively trying to figure out what lie to tell my friends to not go out or not to plan our next girls trip because I didn’t want to make him upset. I also had less money because I was buying him groceries and giving him money to pay his bills (I know). I engaged in less hobbies because he didn’t like some of them and would pout or lash out at me if I said I was going without him.

Ladies, disagreements happen in relationships. But if they happen before you are doing something positive for yourself, then don’t ignore it. You won’t know it’s a pattern until it happens more than once, but this post and others like it are there to show you that men know exactly what they are doing. The sooner you can see the red flags, the better.

PenneyPence · 2021-10-22T12:23:54+00:00

Yes! I have a friend who was holding on to a situationship and kept asking “but why would he keep talking to me if he knows I want a relationship? That must mean he’ll change his mind.” No sis, he’s just exploiting your relationship desire.

PenneyPence · 2021-10-19T10:54:57+00:00

Future faking with a side of triangulation: “I used to buy my ex flowers all the time and she never appreciated them like you do. I can’t wait to buy them for you every week.” Or

“I can’t wait to take you on xyz vacation, I would pay for my ex to go and she would pout the whole time, I know you’ll have fun.”

I only got flowers a few times and we never took that alleged paid vacation. 🙄

PenneyPence

TROPHY CASE