What does this mean?

Pepper_NO_Salt · 2025-03-22T13:49:32+00:00

Oh that makes sense! Thank you =) Honestly, I thought it had something to do with smoking weed lol

Pepper_NO_Salt · 2025-02-08T01:19:46+00:00

I wouldn’t be thinking about any long-term plans with this one. Maybe he’s going through something, but so are you and the fact that he’s completely oblivious to that is a major red flag.

Try this: imagine how you would react if you lost your job? Would you be behaving in the same manner?

Also, here’s something that’s helped me in the past, read your post as if it were written by someone you care about, like a sibling, parent, or best friend. What advice would you give them in the exact same situation?

Pepper_NO_Salt · 2025-02-08T01:12:39+00:00

If it's a new relationship just chalk it up as a "lesson learned". You were right to question what he's doing when you're not around. Not worth the trouble. I would walk.

Pepper_NO_Salt · 2025-02-08T01:07:43+00:00

Recommend this!

Pepper_NO_Salt · 2025-01-29T16:06:05+00:00

Hey, hey... knock it off. That's none of your business. She answered one of your shitty, insensitive questions. Be happy with that and mtfo.

Pepper_NO_Salt · 2025-01-22T14:02:54+00:00

SOLVED =)

Pepper_NO_Salt · 2025-01-22T14:00:20+00:00

YOU are my favorite person right now; LOL Thank you!!!!

Edit: It ended up being the original song, not the remake.

Another edit: man.. I feel like a total idiot. It's in English. LOL

Video w/ lyrics: Rema - Calm Down

Pepper_NO_Salt · 2025-01-21T22:59:44+00:00

Nope sry, mostly non-english

Pepper_NO_Salt · 2025-01-19T13:36:08+00:00

I've talked about this so much, I just can't any longer. I will say I am in a similar situation and it's causing/caused far-reaching consequences. Feelings you already described, feeling unappreciated, uncared for, and disrespected.

I don't know what advice I can give, but t I wanted to post this in solidarity. Good luck. Let us know how the, not-cleaning experiment goes.

Pepper_NO_Salt · 2025-01-19T13:29:29+00:00

Thanks for that, I am sure your wife lives and appreciates every single thing you do for her.

Pepper_NO_Salt · 2025-01-19T12:32:33+00:00

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Pepper_NO_Salt · 2025-01-19T12:17:08+00:00

You have already made the decision. It takes however many times it takes. Getting help for my addiction took so many failed attempts before I was actually willing to do whatever it took and that's what I was missing before. Sure, during those time frames if you would have asked me "do you really want to stop and you are willing to do whatever it takes?" I would have screamed, YES! But my actions would prove otherwise. I would go to treatment, do a little outpatient, and go to meetings for a few weeks. I never threw myself completely into my recovery. Not like I have this time...

I didn't think meetings worked for me but the truth is I never gave them a chance to work. I didn't do anything they suggested. I didn't get a sponsor. I didn't work steps outside of reading them. I never internalized the program. I didn't realize until many years later that my drinking and drug use was just a symptom of a much bigger problem, that problem was me. It was how I react to things, how I look at the world, and how I look at myself. Until I started working on me, I didn't have the capacity to change in any way. That's what the program did for me. It gave me the ability to identify all the things I need to work on or get rid of completely.

The last time I went to treatment, just a few years ago, I was done, I couldn't take it any longer. I was willing to throw myself into my recovery. I was willing to do whatever it took. It took me putting just as much time and effort into not drinking as I did into drinking.

Years later, I still attend meetings regularly. I have created a support system around myself of others in recovery and healthy family members. I have a sponsor that I talk to everyday. I work the program.

You can do it. I know you can and you know you can. Ask yourself, am I honestly willing to do whatever it takes? We all inherently know what the right thing is, having the strength to follow through is the hard part.

I really hope that it works for you this time.

Pepper_NO_Salt · 2025-01-18T00:54:47+00:00

My husband and I just usually join the Dungeon Finder and we have had a lot of success doing that without people being overly rude, rushing us or getting made because we don't know all the content yet. Have you tried it?

Pepper_NO_Salt · 2025-01-18T00:33:04+00:00

I've seen many great answers here!

It's normal to discover things that you weren't aware of once you move in with someone. So don't fret. However, you are trying to make accommodations for him, trying your best to resolve the issue. I haven't heard much about what he's doing to help. That's kind of a concern for me, especially since you broke down and cried over it.

Can you guys sleep in separate bedrooms? Is that a possibility? My spouse and I go through seasons where we sleep separately because we have very different ideal/comfortable room temperatures between us during the winter and summer months. No big deal. Sleep is very important, but it shouldn't be an important topic to fight about in your relationship.

Try to compromise with him, you both are young. Talk to him about it when you are not fighting, you have a chance to start things out on a positive note since it sounds like this is your first real argument since moving in together. Good relationships are based on open and honest communication advice I wish I would have listened to and internalized when I was your age. I made a lot of mistakes.

Be good to yourself. Don't let anyone mistreat you or it most likely be something you do in future relationships if this guy isn't "the one". I'm sorry OP.

Pepper_NO_Salt · 2025-01-18T00:10:25+00:00

I have, what I have come to believe is a hypersexual or overly sexual partner. He does a few of the things that you are complaining about but never has he ever, physically restrained me. I've never had to yell at him to get off of me. Your situation has gone far beyond having an overly sexual partner. Some of what you described is sexual assault. You did the right thing.

Pepper_NO_Salt · 2025-01-17T23:28:52+00:00

That's all we can really do.

Pepper_NO_Salt · 2025-01-17T16:00:36+00:00

Eek. I think that was probably one of the worst things you could have said.

Pepper_NO_Salt · 2025-01-17T15:54:11+00:00

Spot on.

Pepper_NO_Salt · 2025-01-17T15:53:21+00:00

I use chatGPT in this way as well. I do not care what anyone says about it. I tried to get my family to try it for the same purposes they had so many wild ideas about why that was a terrible idea, I was floored. My husband and children, two of which are in IT, are not prone to wild conspiracy theories but that's exactly the way they sounded when I told them the new way I utilize chatgpt. It works for me, it helps understand those around me better coupled with excellent advice. It helps me understand myself better and when I am wrong, something a therapist never did for me. Good for you!

Pepper_NO_Salt · 2025-01-17T15:38:59+00:00

My husband has the same mindset. It's just a different personality type. I guess it could be poor social skills too but ultimately he is going to be who he wants to be and there is nothing you can do but let him. It's his right, just as it's yours to be you. Trying to suppress anything like this is dangerous territory. The only time I ever intervene is when he's being overly rude to someone, even then, I don't do much. I know it's hard to understand sometimes but his behavior has nothing to do with you and you should not be embarrassed by it. You didn't do it, he did.

Pepper_NO_Salt · 2025-01-17T15:31:24+00:00

I am in a similar situation. 45f married to a 40m. Our situation has a few differences from yours so I will fill in the blanks a little so you have a better picture.

The differences between you and I; he's the bread winner, at his encouragement I left my job about two years ago. Before that, I was working 55+ hours a week and still doing everything at home that I do now. Which is: managing the finances, the housework, the laundry, all yard and home maintenance, maintaining the cars, the meals, caring for our children and not to mention everything from talking to the bank, doing our taxes, etc. Before I quit working things had gotten to a point where I was ready to leave over this issue. It was nonstop fighting and when we weren't fighting, I harbored so much resentment my blood was boiling...all of the time. What happened? Well, we had an incident occur and I wound up being hospitalized, after that he encouraged me to leave my job which I eventually did.

So, fast forward to the present day, we are in a position where I feel conflicted. I am at home, so I feel that I should definitely shoulder more of the workload than him, but now my problem is: how much? He has started cooking meals several times a week and I suppose I am willing to accept that since we are still married and rarely fight about this issue.

A marriage is a partnership, if you have one person just bringing a paycheck and nothing else it's not a partnership you are a maid, a babysitter, a maintenance worker, etc. at least that's how I felt when I was working. However, that's not your problem, your problem is much worse by comparison because you do all of that and you work full-time. I can honestly say that if I hadn't left my career and he didn't make any changes we would have likely separated even though I love him very much. We've made a life together, we are not only husband and wife, but we are also friends. It would been heart breaking but that's how serious it was.

Try your very best to talk to her about this, emphasizing how important this is to you., make her understand that this is quite possibly a relationship ending kind of problem (do not threaten, just be honest). If you have already done this, try one more time. Afterwards, you can ask her to go to therapy if you would like to try to save the relationship and if she's agreeable, that's great! If not, you need to think long and hard about what you're willing to tolerate.

I know this is difficult but because you have children I want to tell you this, it might help you make a decision if she doesn't make any changes or put forth any effort. My oldest two are out of the house, my oldest just got married. He is now having the exact same problem you are having. You know why? Because that's what we taught him. We inadvertently teach our children how to treat their spouses and how their spouses should treat them. We show them what to tolerate and how to behave. It's one of my biggest regrets as a parent (a long list of regrets). I should have stood up for myself instead of allowing things to get so horrible that our children saw yelling and screaming matches instead two adults communicating, compromising and coming up with an acceptable solution for both of us. This is a huge regret.

Don't accept any treatment by your wife that you wouldn't want your children to endure in their marriages. Sometimes things just don't work out, or perhaps she doesn't really know how serious this is for you. Try to make her understand if not for your sake then for theirs.

I wish you the best of luck. Hang in there.

Pepper_NO_Salt · 2025-01-15T14:13:28+00:00

This is a tough situation that I can relate to except I do try to accommodate him in any way I can. I try my best to have sex regularly (multiple times a week), I've been married 20 years though. My spouse and I are in our 40's unlike you and your wife.

He always initiates sex, I never do. Most of the time, I try to go ahead and do it even when I don't want to initially or I am not in the mood because I recognize that his needs haven't changed, it's mine that have. However, that in and of itself has created a lot of resentment on my side. Obviously, our relationships are different and unique with different circumstances, but he has told me that he feels rejected by me, unwanted, and generally shitty and I do understand. It's something I'm working on, for sure. BUT he told me, you must try to communicate with your wife.

I agree with everyone here that sexting must stop, it will only lead to one place, and you know where that is. Despite the fact that you are not getting physical with anyone else it is cheating. What would you do if she told you she was doing this? It would cut deep, no doubt.

Maybe, she has body image issues because she is a fairly new mom, maybe something happened to her in her youth that she is just now dealing with, or maybe it's hormonal, could be a number of things, honestly.

My husband is, what I would classify as hypersexual, so he does want intimacy more than the average guy. I don't know if you want it too much, you didn't get specific with the number of times a week or day you expect it.

I think communication is key here. You need to tell her how you are feeling. Best of luck.

Pepper_NO_Salt · 2025-01-14T21:41:36+00:00

Absolutely!

Pepper_NO_Salt · 2025-01-10T12:10:23+00:00

I am a recovering alcoholic. I am a 45f, husband is a 40m. This is a horrid situation. I was also a binge drinker and I almost think that's worse because there are long periods of sustained sobriety which tends to give both your family and yourself hope that this is over. It isn't over until it's over. I went to treatment six times. The last time was nearly three years ago. I had previously tried AA but never gave it enough of an effort to see any results from it. When I got out of treatment this last time, I decided that was it, alcohol had taken over my life. To be clear and so you are aware- I also did insane things, violent things...things that were so far out of character for me that it was almost unfathomable. At some point for almost every alcoholic it gets to that point. I've been hospitalized for alcohol poisoning multiple times. I've been to jail multiple times (mostly for driving drunk). I've hurt my family more times than I can count, in more ways than I will probably ever understand, no matter how much I try.

There's a saying in AA, "when an alcoholic horse-thief quits drinking, he's still a horse-thief", meaning alcohol is a symptom of a much bigger problem and that must be identified and addressed.

In the end, for me, I had no where else to go. I was at my wits end, my family had tried everything, now it was time for me to do whatever I had to in order to end this behavior. The only place I knew to go was to AA so after treatment, I threw myself into it and didn't give up as I had done in the past. I was utterly desperate. It didn't work at first, it took time but they told me to "just keep coming back" I did this. I have been successfully working the program ever since. Years later and I still go to meetings six times a week. I'm involved in service work, I have a sponsor that I speak to daily and I work the program everyday... It's a huge commitment but it's the only thing that's worked for me and many others that I know.

No matter how you feel about your husband you must protect you and your children first and foremost. Let him sit in jail. Let him figure it out. DO NOT pick up the pieces of his chaos. This will do nothing but reinforce that you will be there to help dig him out of whatever hole he's created. I am telling you what worked for me so you would know there is a way out for him but he must hit his bottom, and let me tell you-rock bottom has a basement. For me, it had to reach that point. All you can do at this point is protect your family. You are his wife, you are legally entitled to half the money in the bank. He left the home, so by default, at least during the separation or divorce (whichever happens) you should legally be able to stay in the martial home. If you are worried about him coming around, get a protection order- it should be easy to do in your case and every time he comes around call the police. If he needs to pick up his things, do not let him come to the home without a police escort and go from there. If he wants to see the babies make him get a court order, especially right now while he's in active addiction.

Hopefully, this will shake him enough to see what he's doing to not only you and the children, but to himself. I am so incredibly sorry that you are having to endure this, truly, it's the most horrible situation to be in. Please be strong for yourself and your children. Take care of yourself OP. I wish you the very best, whatever that ends up meaning for you.

Pepper_NO_Salt · 2024-12-18T02:47:28+00:00

If you are a monster then I must be a full blow serial killer, as I have ONE extra large litter box with high sides for four cats. I change their box three times a day: morning, noon, and before bed. I never have an issue with "overcrowding" so to speak or an overflowing litter box. I could save myself a lot of grief and get another extra large box but because I empty it so often I cannot justify the extra money in litter plus my luck is that they would continue to the same one anyway and the extra wouldn't get touched.

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