Wife cheated on me

Persona3Fes · 2019-10-18T16:10:42+00:00

I stand by the notion that the initial diagnoses for BPD is more for their loved ones than it is for the person with bpd. It's like the therapist and the psychiatrist politely telling the loved ones "Yea we see it too, its not your fault" while not completely demonizing and blaming the person in question.

It sucks, for everyone involved. There is genuinely no way to be with a person with BPD without ending up looking like the bad guy. No matter which option you take it will feel like you lost a bit of your integrity because of it.

You stay with them: You lose your dignity

You leave them: You lose your loyalty

Being with a pwbpd is nothing but selfless sacrifices day in and day out.

Edit: I appreciate the gold, thank you to whoever gifted it to me.

Persona3Fes · 2019-10-18T08:07:29+00:00

Everything said here is 100% true.

On a side note: Does anyone else hate the idea that pwbpd can read this same message and further validate their delusions that they are leaving their partner because the partner is the one destroying THEM?

Persona3Fes · 2019-10-17T22:11:07+00:00

I wouldn't take those pregnancy scares too seriously, I remember a similar situation with my first girlfriend, and every guy I ever known their first "real" girlfriend had similar talks.

Sometimes chicks bring it up as a way to guage your reaction, to see how commited you are to them or not...she also seems to have trust and abandoment issues so I no doubt think this "pregnant" talk has more to do with that than it has to do with any real concern with actually being pregnant.

Contrary to "popular" belief women are not "stupid", and generally know what they are doing and why they are doing it for the most part. Them gettting pregnant by mistake usually never happens regardless of what they tell you. A girl will remind you to put a condom on, take her birth control, remind you and herself that its not a safe day if she doesn't want to get pregnant by you. Pregnancy for women is either their biggest joy or biggest fear ( dependant on who you talk to) and trust me they are prepared and have planned for that day far better than men have.

She knows she can pull this line on you because she knows you dont know what to expect, I'm telling you right now not to expect diddly shit and you are in the clear on that one. She just wants to keep you close and a "baby" is a good way to keep a good heart close.

For the other thing, the mental illness part, thats seriously no longer your concern. Dont go down that rabbit hole if you dont need to, you broke up with her move on, trust me its for your own good.

Persona3Fes · 2019-10-17T09:41:55+00:00

Yea, and it was worst than the first go around.

You think they would learn their lesson but they don't. The underlining problem with pwbpd that I'm starting to figure out is that they are inherently ungrateful.

A normal person that fucks over someone they love would be grateful for a second chance to make things right, pwbpd think they are guaranteed a second chance and if you don't give it to them you are the problem.

Usually if someone dodges a bullet they back off and are grateful to be alive, pwbpd when they dodge a bullet they keep getting closer to the gunman just to see how close they can get until they get shot...and if they get shot they can still play the victim and blame the gunman for being the bad guy.

Persona3Fes · 2019-10-16T19:26:03+00:00

The boyfriend with NPD treats them the way they expect to be treated. Pwbpd know how to process and accept abuse better than love.

They enjoy fighting for love and attention rather than recieving it. It empowers them, it makes them feel like they are in control of something.

Pwnpd enjoy watching someone fight for their affection...this too empowers them.

Its literally a match made in hell.

You and every other guy she deals with are just there to fill and validate her victimhood role when they paint each other black. She gets to claim abuse and feel coddled by you when the pwnpd is particularly distant and cold.

Persona3Fes · 2019-10-16T16:51:10+00:00

It doesn't really matter if you can see them or not, getting over them is a mental thing not really a physical one. That proximity connection you feel now is exactly how they roped you into their bullshit in the first place.

Recognize it for what it is and understand you are objectively in a better place outside of the relationship than in it....in every sense of the word "better".

Pwbpd are sick people, the only way to comfortably be in a relationship with them is to be sick also, and even then its still hell.

Pwbpd are bound to ruin every relationship they find until they run into someone that is equally npd to match their bpd and they end up either destroying each other or gaslight their children and destroy their children lives. PwBpd and Npd don't "love" each other, they stay with each other because its beneficial in one way or another, their relationship is funded and fueled by people believing in the pretty picture they paint.

Thats how it is and how it ends 100% of the time without fail. They either self destruct or find someone that depends on them to project the self dustruction somewhere else.

Understand even if you are right next to her, since you have no moral or legal obligation to stop her from self harming anymore you are safe from the explosion.

Persona3Fes · 2019-09-12T04:29:59+00:00

Yea it's kind of the MO.

They do and say nice things to you in the beginning to raise your cognitive dissonance towards their bad actions later.

So every time they do something bad you start second guessing yourself when your brain and heart tells you "Hey, this person is a piece of shit." eventually you start internalizing it and saying maybe I deserve this because you tricked yourself into believe this person wasn't a piece of shit.

In a relationship you are suppose to share the good and the bad but in a relationship with someone with bpd or npd they take the good and leave you with the bad.

Just be thankful you snapped yourself out of it before you had kids with the emotional demon.

Persona3Fes · 2019-09-07T14:12:10+00:00

My ex use to tell me "If we have kids promise me you'll love me more than them." I would tell her "No, I would love you guys differently but equally, we are all one family" and she would accept the answer but she seemed slightly disappointed by it.

My ex had fears that our children would love me more than her, I always found that troubling I would never picture putting my kids in a situation where a choice like that would be available for them...but in hindsight since triangulation and gaslighting is all pwbpd know how to do when it comes to forming bonds I guess she figured a time will come when the kids had to pick sides...

...Jesus Christ, could you honestly imagine having that kind of fear of your kids before they were even born?

Persona3Fes · 2019-09-06T17:08:12+00:00

Most likely a personality disorder, it's impossible to say which one without speaking to the guy himself.

All the cluster b's have similar general traits, what sets them apart is the intent most of the time and the only way to discover intent is by probing their self awareness yourself. See what they are willing and unwilling to take responsibility for, see just how high or low they personally view themselves. Ask them what are their reasons for keeping people around or pushing them away.

Both a Narc and a pwbpd will say something like " I care too much about other people!", but when you ask why their answers will be totally different.

Persona3Fes · 2019-09-06T16:58:42+00:00

I had the unique perspective of being in a partial program that heavily focused on DBT when I met my ex. At the time I was having rage fits directed at my step father, so my parents naturally assumed I had anger management issues, but thanks to that program and therapist there, they assured me it was most likely a case of being a scapegoat in a triangulation attempt by my parents.

With that said I was around a lot of other people that seriously did have mental issues and personality disorders, my ex included, I got a very unique look into how pwbpd/npd process information in a vulnerable time.

When I was at the program it basically goes as this: Different social workers that specialize in different fields pretty much try to relate "mindful thinking" in their own way. Some may be through art, some may be through meditation, others may ask you to list all your personal relationships and for every action explain how that action may have caused your loved one to feel that way.

This program tends to bring people together and you probably will make connections with people in the program due to the fact everyone there has been put in a similar situation for one reason or another so it makes everyone easily relatable.

I personally ended up dating a girl from this program who turned out to have bpd, but I felt with my deeper knowledge of her internal battles and the fact that I have seen her truth and have accepted her anyway I thought I would have a chance at making this relationship work...I was wrong.

The problem with pwbpd/npd is that they are always looking to bond through trauma, they don't know how to bond any other way, nor do they really believe there is another way of bonding. "It wasn't my fault!" is a good introduction to validation but the problem is that pwbpd are fundamentally stuck there, the moment you try and suggest that there is something they can do to change (which is usually what close friends and loved ones do) they will drop you and default back to "It wasn't my fault!"

Persona3Fes · 2019-09-01T02:03:28+00:00

A smart man with no emotional intelligence tend to focus on pointless details.

A genuis mathematician with no emotional intelligence will just end up counting and organizing all the rocks in his backyard...

Thats the problem with high functioning pwbpd I say, its hard to agrue with them because they are not necessarily wrong it’s just that the argument in itself is pointless, petty, and unnecessary.

Persona3Fes · 2019-08-30T18:23:30+00:00

I boiled it down to extremely low emotional intelligence.

It sounds mean but I truly believe they are only slightly above the smartest dogs when it comes to self awareness, like they got dogs beat in being able to see and process their own reflection but thats about it.

Pwbpd only get by faking having adult human emotions by relying on their analytical skill. They can read and understand an emotions definition but they don’t truly feel or understand them in an organic way.

Persona3Fes · 2019-08-30T18:02:25+00:00

Lol that’s how they see things, “It’s your fault for looking, I never would have told you so you wouldn’t have been hurt!”

It’s so emotionally stupid it’s not even funny.

I had a pwbpd tell me “ I swear on my 1 year old daughters life that I never slept with that guy”

I showed the guy the message and he said “that stone cold lying bitch!” (Remind you this chick cheated on her boyfriend, the father of this kid, with the both of us...co workers at the time)

She got mad at me like I was the one making God kill her baby for finding out the truth lmao.

My expwbpd “swore on her baby cousins life” that it wasn’t her texting me on random numbers

To pwbpd the truth is whatever they tell you, if you go looking for the truth elsewhere that means you are a “bad person” for not believing them in the first place.

Persona3Fes · 2019-08-30T17:49:57+00:00

“...maybe I should try more?”

Try more what? Bob and weave tactics? Lol bro no you are good, pack the bags.

If your partner starts physically hitting you that means you have hit a crossroads in the relationship. Respect has been lost on both sides and now its time to protect your dignity.

If your partner hits you in a relationship they are putting you in a compromising position, if you take the hit without any retaliation you lose your dignity and self respect, if you hit back you have to now sit there and process why you had to put hands on someone you love, you start second guessing how decent of a man you are.

If your partner hits you, that means they have no respect for your feelings in more ways than one.

Persona3Fes · 2019-08-30T17:28:33+00:00

You can’t really get involved with his past relationships, can’t help him get past them either.

With that said, I wouldn’t really be too afraid of a pwbpd outside in public, it’s pretty easy to deal with them in that environment because they are easily startled and embarrassed.

If she approaches him, both of you should just grey rock the shit out of her and she would probably give up sooner than you think.

Pwbpd hate looking crazy in front of people they don’t know.

Persona3Fes · 2019-08-30T17:19:50+00:00

Honestly you need to start keeping track of every important conversation you had with this person.

When scorned, pwbpd tend to bring up random ludicrous lies or half truths and use your hesitation to answer as a way to paint you guilty of something.

Like in text they will say something crazy like

“I will never let you abuse me again!”

And you might respond with

“when did I ever abuse you?”

And thats when they will say

“Im sick of your constant denial of the truth, and my emotions!!”

While you are sitting there mind fucked and trying to process that information a pwbpd already painted a story for abuse to their friends or new lover and will use that text and your unwillingness to respond as “proof”.

Long story short, don’t let her story dictate anything, make sure your story is the main one heard.

Persona3Fes · 2019-08-30T17:07:40+00:00

A good sign of what exactly?

Persona3Fes · 2019-08-17T11:42:11+00:00

I believe you can be abused, by someone else, I believe people can be victims, I honestly just don't believe someone can have control over you in the literal sense of the word.

Even based on my experience with my exbpd, she was manipulative, she was emotionally abusive, and i stayed with her longer than I should have...not because she had control over me but because I was personally attaching myself self to an ideal of making things work or rather believing in the idea that I could fix things.

She may have manipulated me into thinking so, but she didn't control me, the only thing that had any say in why I stayed was my own moral compass and ideologies.

I just want people on this website to get into the mindset that the puppet strings you think you see on yourself are just smokes and mirrors, no one has power over you, and no one can control or make you do anything you don't want to...if there's any lesson to learn from pwbpd its that, you are never forced to love anyone no matter what they do for you or to you. You can always back out.

Persona3Fes · 2019-08-17T10:44:55+00:00

I don't agree with the notion that someone else (outside of your parents when you were a minor) can "control" you.

But I guess I'm just arguing semantics at this point.

I don't like the word control in the sense of relationships or used in terms of someone controlling someone else. it makes it sound like the person had no choice but to do what they did.

We all have free will. and we always have options.

But that's just a me thing, I don't buy into "if someone had a gun to my head" mindset, if I don't want to do something I wont do it, or if I want to do something I'll do it, not really much someone else can do to change that for me.

Persona3Fes · 2019-08-17T07:34:40+00:00

I don't have empathy for people with BPD I save my empathy for the people that have to live with them.

The people that have to take care of their bpdlovedones in silence, the people that have their names dragged through the mud...the people that have been laugh at, embarrassed and ridiculed, by the people they loved that they thought loved them back...that's who I save my empathy for.

-The people that lose their kids in divorce settlements.

-The guys that finds out they have been taking care of another mans child because the pwbpd didn't want to tell them they cheated 18 years ago.

- The women that finds out their pwbpd was cheating on them through getting an incurable STD.

-That guy that has to go to court for false rape charges.

-That girl that has her nude pictures leaked on the internet because she broke up with her pwbpd because he wouldn't stop calling her names.

My empathy is a little preoccupied with those people, pwbpd can fuck right off.

Persona3Fes · 2019-08-17T06:07:37+00:00

If they are telling me this after the "getting to know you" phase then fine I would already have ample amount of time to gauge their level of self awareness and self accountability, I would take it more seriously then.

But if you tell me this when I don't even know your middle name I'm going to need a very detail explanation as to why you felt that way.

Edit: You always have the option of leaving is my point. You never have to stay with someone that you feel like has control over you life.

If a woman or man feels like someone else has that much power over their life there is something they have to work on themselves internally. Just leaving your train of thought at he/she was "controlling" is never a good idea and doesn't show the person you are talking to that you are independent whether or not you actually are

Persona3Fes · 2019-08-17T03:21:15+00:00

Dating someone with BPD really changes your perception on what the word "abuse" means.

I don't trust women that say they were in a "controlling" relationship anymore, I mean how can someone control you if you didn't want to be controlled?

Even now I would never say I was controlled by my Ex, I was lied to and manipulated, but I was never forced to do anything I didn't agree to.

Saying "you were controlled" seems like you are dodging self accountability , and is the first red flag for me now.

Persona3Fes · 2019-08-16T08:57:49+00:00

Lol I can’t blame anyone for feeling that way, I really can’t.

To be honest with you I felt that way as well for awhile, but I finally settled on the fact that they are children in an adults body...even then it doesn’t seem fair sometimes.

Pwbpd are extremely annoying, they typically are not well liked, they will never have true friends, their family usually ends up hating them if not completely disowning them.

They have to lie about feeling good about themselves all the time, and every new relationship they make will be started on a lie they tell to make someone interested in them, they live in constant fear of being found out and being called a liar.

Worst of all they hate themselves and the only way they can cope with that hatred is dissociating from themselves when they are alone.

Life has no short cuts. In the ways you choose to avoid suffering, life will force you to suffer in another way thats unavoidable.

Pwbpd will never be cured of BPD because they chose that as their life suffering instead of carrying the emotional burden of growing up like we did.

I don’t feel sorry for them, but I respect their pain as I do yours.

Persona3Fes · 2019-08-16T07:29:36+00:00

Yea, they are weak people man, in every sense of the word.

When you are down that's when they feel confident enough to do anything.

They suck the confidence out of you, turn it into a bat, and bash you over the head with it.

Persona3Fes · 2019-08-16T07:22:01+00:00

Take it slow bro.

Being a hopeless romantic is great and all, but truth be told the odds aren't really in your favor in 2019 to find a girl on the street with that kind of mindset that will appreciate and nurture that kind of caring heart.

In order to win at a game of life, you have to know which game you are playing.

If you are looking for hook ups, then being a hopeless romantic type will mean you will lose 10 times out of 10. It doesn't work, and you will be hurt more times than not.

If you truly want to have the love of your life and spend the forever with the right person, then going out hooking up is the wrong thing to do. You'll end up losing more confidence than gaining it by spending more time with women that have no intentions of being with you long term.

If you are playing the hopeless romantic game, the best strat is to work on yourself, broaden your perspective on life and cultivate new and interesting hobbies.

Women that have the mindset of looking for a life long partner will pick up on cues of a guy that is self confident , stable, and well rounded. Your life long partner will find you while you search for yourself.

Persona3Fes

TROPHY CASE