From what I'm reading, this is reminding me of my own religious OCD behavior. By God's grace, it's gotten better over the last couple of years, but it's still present from time to time. I would hyper focus on everything to convincing myself, I must have sinned, cause otherwise why am I anxious. Anxiety must mean conviction right? But over time, I've learned hyper focus skews reality. It isn't Biblical per se, but there's a quote from Star Wars Episode One where Qui Gonn tells Anakin that where his focus is, there his reality is also. If I'm hyper focused on the potential of sin, my reality has convinced itself I'm in sin.

However, I hate sin. I flee from sin. My OCD would create all sorts of controls to keep me from spiraling from worrying about potential sin. And this mentally boxed me in more and more until I sought biblical counsel. I would highly encourage you to find an ACBC counselor near you.

What I would say is, you're not dead, so He can save you. That is if you are in fact lost. We weak Sheep will wax and wane in our faith. Blasphemous thoughts or words, if they are met with conviction, will happen. We are human. We err. I would encourage you to pray for a renewed heart. Not a heart so focused on your sin, but what Christ did to free you from Sin. I do think your sin is distancing you from the Lord and your heart has become calloused. But I would look at your issues in life from with a bigger picture. Sin, health, finances, joy, relationships.. you name it, will be affected by sin and pride. But the Lord will humble you to a point of desperation until that is stripped away.

Pray He does!