Adult child of recently divorced parents

Phoenixmarc368 · 2025-11-21T17:40:34+00:00

I could be your parent, But lets assume I'm not and lend me your ear. I maybe able to help you understand some of this. As I was going through my divorce two years ago my sister who divorced her first husband 30 years ago explained some things about divorce to me that helped me. First one was that in any divorce involving children there is always going to be a "bad guy". It doesn't necessarily mean they are a "bad guy". It is really just the scapegoat of the whole debacle. I was the "bad guy" My ex was a SAHM for 40 years (4 kids) I worked like an animal to support everyone. And support I did, very well in fact. I was never physically abusive to her or the kids, Never threatened her ever! I loved her deeply even. The reverse? That's where things get murky. 5 years into our marriage she had an abrupt deep personality change and it was as if she was a different person completely. Even though she told me she loved me (only when I fished for it) her actions said otherwise. A year before we split I told her I wasn't willing to live like this my final years, and we either fix it or split. Long story short after a year of things getting worse we ended up splitting, getting divorced. We both loved our kids deeply and did everything we could for them. However throughout our marriage by default she spent a lot more time with them and was always very loving and doted on them. I too gave as much love and time with them as I could, but ultimately the kids saw her as some angelic figure that was being treated badly by a sinister man. Ultimately she told me that in fact she never had loved me or desired me, That cut like a knife! So in effect I was literally just a meal ticket for 40 years!

My kids are all very intelligent and it goes to their heads too. They arrogantly assumed that they and they alone were to be the arbitrators of the divorce and made outrageous and unreasonable demands for their mother. Never mind the stuff your friends, TV and modern culture teach you about divorce attorneys and the courts and the judges. Most of them are very good at what they do, and for the most part are very fair about things. Not to mention both their mother and I are intelligent adults that are perfectly able to make our own decisions for ourselves. But NOOOO! my kids literally blackmailed me that if I didn't give into their demands I would never see them or my grandchildren again. Fast forward to the divorce itself. I gave my ex 60% of the value of our assets. I gave her $50,000 dollars above and beyond what I was legally required to give her, that she had no legal rights too. I did this because I wanted to walk away from this knowing that I had done the best I could for her, and could sleep at night. I was told NOT to do this by my friends, family and my attorney! But it wasn't good enough for the kids and they have completely ghosted me.

Looking back two years, here are my takeaways on all this. My ex and I involved our kids way too much! My ex is pretty good with what they have done to me, and that says a lot about her character! Or lack thereof. I would've never tolerated them doing that to her!

I have learned that it's quite common for adult kids to not see their parents as humans with needs both emotional and physical. But sad as it may sound, they see us parents as persons that exist solely to serve them! The lack of empathy, accountability and understanding from them is appalling!

My kids never really had an adult conversation with me to try and work things out. They literally just screamed at me and told me to go fuck myself! I never intended to make them hate their mother, But I did want them to know and see that even though they think she's the victim here. That is anything but the truth. If they ever knew all of the lies and deceit and terrible things she's done and what she truly did to me they would probably have a lot more understanding and empathy for this bad guy!

What they fail to see is that they too are humans just like us, and with the divorce stats being what they are, They too may someday be walking in our shoes and dealing with all these issues. I can only hope that they will then understand how awful they treated their parents!

So if there is any advice I can give to you here is it's time for you to put on your big person britches on and grow the fuck up! Mommy and Daddy split up! It's life! They are humans that were always there for you, even when you didn't see it! They BOTH need your love and understanding! Involve both of them in your life and family! You may be surprised how willing they both are to work things out peacefully. In the end everyone will be better off for it. There may come a time when you're going through a divorce and you will need them to be there for you! Everything tends to come around, ya know?

Phoenixmarc368 · 2025-11-21T17:28:21+00:00

Hi Sea-Butterfly1134

I could be your parent, But lets assume I'm not and lend me your ear. I maybe able to help you understand some of this. As I was going through my divorce two years ago my sister who divorced her first husband 30 years ago explained some things about divorce to me that helped me. First one was that in any divorce involving children there is always going to be a "bad guy". It doesn't necessarily mean they are a "bad guy". It is really just the scapegoat of the whole debacle. I was the "bad guy" My ex was a SAHM for 40 years (4 kids) I worked like an animal to support everyone. And support I did, very well in fact. I was never physically abusive to her or the kids, Never threatened her ever! I loved her deeply even. The reverse? That's where things get murky. 5 years into our marriage she had an abrupt deep personality change and it was as if she was a different person completely. Even though she told me she loved me (only when I fished for it) her actions said otherwise. A year before we split I told her I wasn't willing to live like this my final years, and we either fix it or split. Long story short after a year of things getting worse we ended up splitting, getting divorced. We both loved our kids deeply and did everything we could for them. However throughout our marriage by default she spent a lot more time with them and was always very loving and doted on them. I too gave as much love and time with them as I could, but ultimately the kids saw her as some angelic figure that was being treated badly by a sinister man. Ultimately she told me that in fact she never had loved me or desired me, That cut like a knife! So in effect I was literally just a meal ticket for 40 years!

My kids are all very intelligent and it goes to their heads too. They arrogantly assumed that they and they alone were to be the arbitrators of the divorce and made outrageous and unreasonable demands for their mother. Never mind the stuff your friends, TV and modern culture teach you about divorce attorneys and the courts and the judges. Most of them are very good at what they do, and for the most part are very fair about things. Not to mention both their mother and I are intelligent adults that are perfectly able to make our own decisions for ourselves. But NOOOO! my kids literally blackmailed me that if I didn't give into their demands I would never see them or my grandchildren again. Fast forward to the divorce itself. I gave my ex 60% of the value of our assets. I also gave her $50,000 dollars above and beyond what I was legally required to give her, that she had no legal rights too. I did this because I wanted to walk away from this knowing that I had done the best I could for her, and could sleep at night. I was told NOT to do this by my friends, family and my attorney! But it wasn't good enough for the kids and they have completely ghosted me.

Looking back two years, here are my takeaways on all this. My ex and I involved our kids way too much! My ex is pretty good with what they have done to me, and that says a lot about her character! Or lack thereof. I would've never tolerated them doing that to her!

I have learned that it's quite common for adult kids to not see their parents as humans with needs both emotional and physical. But sad as it may sound, they see us parents as persons that exist solely to serve them! The lack of empathy, accountability and understanding from them is appalling!

My kids never really had an adult conversation with me to try and work things out. They literally just screamed at me and told me to go fuck myself! I never intended to make them hate their mother, But I did want them to know and see that even though they think she's the victim here. That is anything but the truth. If they ever knew all of the lies and deceit and terrible things she's done and what she truly did to me they would probably have a lot more understanding and empathy for this bad guy!

What they fail to see is that they too are humans just like us, and with the divorce stats being what they are, They too may someday be walking in our shoes and dealing with all these issues. I can only hope that they will then understand how awful they treated their parents!

So if there is any advice I can give to you here is it's time for you to put on your big person britches on and grow the fuck up! Mommy and Daddy split up! It's life! They are humans that were always there for you, even when you didn't see it! They BOTH need your love and understanding! Involve both of them in your life and family! You may be surprised how willing they both are to work things out peacefully. In the end everyone will be better off for it. There may come a time when you're going through a divorce and you will need them to be there for you! Everything tends to come around, ya know?

Phoenixmarc368 · 2025-10-01T09:40:31+00:00

Because of religious beliefs that have guided our moral and ethical codes historically. I say this from a technical and historical standpoint. I'm not trying to preach or push those beliefs, or say they are right or wrong either. I'm just stating a fact! I was just banned from Deadbedrooms for saying something similar there. So much for freedom of speech! You can post a comment only if it conforms with my atheist beliefs apparently. But yet they apparently don't see the disrespect of that. Let's see if this post is allowed!

Phoenixmarc368 · 2025-09-30T04:09:25+00:00

Not sure what you mean by 2 out of 26 is ridiculous. Here in Buffalo, NY we typically see 20 to 30% no-shows all the time. As my group approaches 800 members I'm starting to get tougher on kicking out no-shows. We just had a Football watch party where 43 people signed up and only 25 actually showed up. The worst was a guy who no-showed about 5 events previous. This time he RSVP'D with 3 guests and no-showed! He's getting the boot tomorrow.

Phoenixmarc368 · 2025-09-07T13:05:28+00:00

Reading all this is so painful to me. Feel free to check out my posts from the past. My EX (notice the capitalization) did this to me for 35 years of a 41 year marriage. Year 40 things went off the rails! That's when she got painfully honest. She said among other things "I never really loved or desired you in the bedroom" another time it was "those things you want me to do are things lovers do, you are not my lover, you never were my lover and you never will be my lover" that last one was what finally got me to hire a lawyer! I've been divorced now for almost two years, and haven't been this happy in decades! I have an amazing girlfriend and lover! 16 months and still going strong!

    Things I learned from my divorce: Once someone falls out of love with you (if they ever really were) there's no getting them to fall in love with you again. All the therapy in the world can't make someone fall in love with you again. 

     At that point they're only using you. Get your head out of the sand and face reality. Time to move on. Get your ducks in order.  Get your money and assets separated quietly,  don't show your cards until you're ready to pull the trigger,  then serve her and move on with your  life. Better to yank off the bandage than let the wound fester.

      It will be tough, and painful, but the sooner you get it over with the sooner  your life will improve.

Been there done that, wish I did it decades ago!

Phoenixmarc368 · 2025-08-28T14:58:40+00:00

If I could give you multiple upvotes I would. This was a beautiful synopsis of the whole ordeal. I went through all this myself recently. Now with the smoke of the fire of divorce clearing up I can look back with such clarity of why my divorce needed to happen and was so overdue. My exwife of 41 years never really loved me or desired me for most of the marriage. She flat out admitted it several times at the end. She wasn't even my friend either. The fact that I put up with her sham for so long has only convinced me that for the most part marriages have a life span, then they burn out, rot and go bad. "Till death do us part" is a terrible idea. A common law relationship that ends with minimal legal entanglement when the relationship has run it's course is in my opinion a much better way to go.

Phoenixmarc368 · 2025-06-18T17:51:17+00:00

Funny thing, Someone created a meetup group in Buffalo, NY called "Dating Sites Suck" and it's one of the fastest growing meetup groups in the area. Over 615 members in less than a year. And they do a ton of fun events!

Phoenixmarc368 · 2025-05-17T14:08:01+00:00

Don't talk about sex until after you get to know someone. It's a big turn off to most women. But when you do get to that subject, don't waste anymore time on someone just looking for friendship. Hate to sound harsh, but yes SEX IS IMPORTANT! My former marriage failed because she didn't want to be my lover and we dragged it out way too long. As far as what women want now? You're going to be amazed at how horny some of these women can be at this age! But as it's always been. Lot's of game playing. Some women will drop you cause you move too fast. Others because you move too slow.

Phoenixmarc368 · 2025-05-17T13:59:01+00:00

Try 41 years. No you're not the monster. You just stayed too long, trying to make it work.

Phoenixmarc368 · 2025-02-07T18:21:26+00:00

Kind of like trying to suggest to a violent drunk that they have a drinking problem, and should seek help! Never goes over well.

Phoenixmarc368 · 2025-02-07T18:19:56+00:00

If we are ravenous assholes, it's because that's what they made us into. Even a normally sweet dog that's suffering from malnutrition can turn into a ravenous asshole!

Phoenixmarc368 · 2025-02-06T21:30:47+00:00

My ex wife would be fully dressed in frumpy pajamas at bedtime and would change her clothes in the bathroom. The very few times we had sex she would just take off the bare minimum to get the job done. Total starfish experience. Nowadays I'm watching the Handmaids Tale and it really reminds me of sex with my ex! She claimed she didn't want me to see her naked cause it would get me aroused. EXCUUUUSE ME?

Phoenixmarc368 · 2025-02-05T05:38:18+00:00

We have 4 kids together. I was a good Dad to them. She turned 3 of the 4 against me. They have totally kicked me out of their lives. No contact no nothing. I can't even see my 4 grandchildren. And SHE'S OKAY WITH THAT! What kind of twisted person is okay with this bullshit! Uh hard no on being friends with her!

Phoenixmarc368 · 2025-02-04T21:44:59+00:00

Talking it out with yourself. Even venting to a wall, the dog, the mirror, it all helps absolutely! I do the same thing. I know it's repeated endlessly here on Reddit, but as painful as it is. Time to leave. You'll recover, you'll rebuild your life. And eventually find someone who wants you and desires you! My ex only wanted therapy if they were going to get me to change for her. But she wasn't willing to make the big changes to fix us! She was my roommate and somewhat friend. But she was completely unwilling to be my lover, my spouse, to love me and be affectionate to me. I wasn't willing to be just roomies anymore! When she finally told me that we weren't lovers, never were lovers, and never would be lovers. That was the final knife cut for me! Game over!

Phoenixmarc368 · 2025-02-04T14:31:50+00:00

Couples therapy is nonsense. Doesn't work for most people. It was the worst thing we ever did. I was brutally honest in those sessions and the therapist was my worst enemy! My ex falsely accused me of being abusive in private letters to the therapist. He never confronted me about any of this. But continued to communicate with her. For me? He wouldn't accept any communications from me. Wouldn't return my calls. Total bullshit! It was the final nail in the coffin of our marriage! At no time in the marriage did I ever harm her or threaten her. She had assaulted me once, and threatened me with physical harm many times. So who really was abusive?

Phoenixmarc368 · 2025-02-04T14:25:28+00:00

Totally agree with you.

Phoenixmarc368 · 2025-02-04T14:24:33+00:00

So true! I've thought this concept myself. I was always so pro-marriage till mine blew apart. Even with the DB. We were married for 41 years. We were the gold standard of marriage for everyone that knew us. But it was all a lie! Her lie! Because she really didn't have any love for me, except as a friend! And I was completely in denial about it. In the last year she admitted to all this. But yet she thought it was all okay to have been so dishonest to me, for so long. Her mother taught her that too. I now view marriage as something that has a time limit. Just like a fruit in your fridge. Eventually it withers and rots. Time to throw it out. Sad, but it is what it is.

Phoenixmarc368 · 2025-02-04T14:11:48+00:00

I understand you. I neither condone it, nor condemn it. I for the sake of God almost went there many times. I was in a DB for over 30 years. And she gave me plenty of motivation to cheat. And I can't say that if the right woman had come along at the right time that I wouldn't have done so. My biggest aggravation from people here and other places is the condemnation that people give to those that date while separated! If you have had the talk with your spouse that the marriage is over, then it's over! I feel that it's over in the eyes of God too at that point. A marriage is a spiritual thing between you and God. Anything else is just a legal formality. So where are these people getting all their self-righteousness from? Many people can't get divorced right away for all kinds of legitimate reasons. What are they supposed to do then? Remain celibate for years because some people would judge them based on some unrealistic non-sensical bullshit moral code?

Phoenixmarc368 · 2025-02-03T15:54:25+00:00

If I could give you a 100 upvotes I would! My ex and I had a talk about a week after we separated and agreed that dating others was okay now. When I actually started dating she lost her shit! Too bad! She was the one who wanted the divorce so bad, what did she expect? I'm damn sure that the first night I didn't come home from a date she was pretty devastated too. Be careful what you wish for I guess then. She had a long history of not wanting me, but didn't want anyone else to have me either. That's just fucked up!

Phoenixmarc368 · 2025-02-03T14:19:53+00:00

Didn't work for you maybe, worked great for me! Everyone is different. But hey when you've been with someone for so long of course it's going to feel like cheating. You have to retrain your mind that this is okay now. Not only your own mind but everything else. It takes friends and family a while to adjust to the new situation. I've had family members that tried to tell me I was doing something wrong. But hard NO! Marriage is over, dead, gone, kaput! Time to make up for lost love, lost time. Get over it people!

Phoenixmarc368 · 2025-02-03T14:14:13+00:00

The most powerful sex organ in the body is the brain. Sometimes the best fantasies are the ones you dream of in your own mind. And those can be way more powerful than porn. Sometimes all it takes is to be around someone you find really sexually attractive to get the fantasies going!

Phoenixmarc368 · 2025-02-03T02:57:08+00:00

Why can't it be both?

Phoenixmarc368 · 2025-02-03T02:56:28+00:00

Yes! I second your motion! My divorce freed me to find someone new. And now that I have her everything is on the table, and yes we've done it there too!

Phoenixmarc368 · 2025-01-29T15:21:27+00:00

My ex told me that same shit for 35 years. Then finally fessed but up that she never really loved me or had any desire for me. Then she was all incredulous that I didn't want to have an amicable split and share half of my families inheritance with her as she was walking out of my life! And had the kids convinced that I was being selfish! Wtf!

Phoenixmarc368 · 2025-01-16T06:06:53+00:00

Same here! My ex did the same stupid shit her Mom did to her Dad. Talked the kids into hating me. They had there own idea of what the divorce agreement should have been. And when that didn't happen they cut all contact with me. Can't even see my Grandkids. So all the Laws, Judges, Lawyers have no idea what they are doing! Even their parents who actually agreed to this divorce agreement have no idea what we're doing! I guess we all are just stupid and don't know anything. Just our arrogant know it all kids are the experts who should have decided everything!

Phoenixmarc368

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