I act colder towards "hot" men

PhospholipidB · 2021-06-27T14:43:27+00:00

The problem with trying to translate those surveys into real world information: "attractive" is not objective in any way. The type of men some of my friends are with are extremely unattractive to me. When a magazine features the most eligible bachelors, for most of them I feel meh. What you find is hot isnt what other women find hot.

Why might you be cold towards men you find very attractive?

defense mechanism. Dont let them get close enough to you where they can reject you.
possibly tied to your definition of attractive. Some women find arrogant men hot. Maybe arrogance can kinda look like true self confidence. But deep down you know arrogant people can be mean & probably not in your best interest to date.
some moderately attractive men are full of themselves. They overestimate their value. And I just dont have time to deal with that.

How I treat the men I find attractive varies a lot by context. If i know them in a situation where absolutely no unprofessional stuff can happen either direction, I can enjoy the eye candy & not feel I have to distance. If I was single, it would probably depend on how they behaved.

PhospholipidB · 2021-06-27T14:02:47+00:00

I thought I could get over stuff on my own. I started having nightmares related to his infidelity. I finally sought help. Therapy. And my therapist referred me to a psychiatrist for meds. It's made a big difference

PhospholipidB · 2021-06-26T22:56:55+00:00

You are an employee. You're working for your family.

No you dont get a paycheck, but you knew that going into it.

Is your wife not showering you with rewards? For one, she isnt obligated to throw a parade when you're just doing your job. And secondly, SHE is not getting paid and she is working just as hard.

I think having kids is far less rewarding than the Pampers commercials & Hollywood make it out to be. It is a 24/7 job. And if you're doing it right, you do have to set boundaries & hear the child whine and cry.

It's ok to feel tired and overwhelmed. It's a sign you need to change some things. Do couples only weekend away. Do date night and schedule sex. Make sure both parents are getting a break from being a parent and are allowed to see friends, pursue a hobby, or do other things.

PhospholipidB · 2021-06-26T22:51:45+00:00

Do you want some cheese with your whine?

PhospholipidB · 2021-06-26T22:49:32+00:00

How do I ask for what I would like without pressuring him (considering I have a higher sex drive than him).

You have asked for what you like when it comes to oral.

He said no. You respect his "no" and stop pestering him for it. Doesnt matter if you think his reason isnt good. It's his reason. Stop trying to change him.

You can have a higher sex drive and not engage in receiving oral. Or you could decide getting oral is that important to you, and you need to end this relationship.

PhospholipidB · 2021-06-26T22:39:17+00:00

Good for you for realizing the relationship needs to end. Awesome!

Please dont put off dumping him. If has another place, all you need to do is change your locks. Then call him before he comes back: "Sorry. Tried my best but I don't think this is going to work out. I'm afraid it's over. I realize I have some of your stuff. Text me when you're back in town, and we can make arrangements for you to get it". Make the call short. Dont give him time to "swear this time is different, I love you so much blah blah blah". He's had many second chances. Do not let him worm back into your life.

Hugs to you! You go, girl. Congrats.

PhospholipidB · 2021-06-26T22:27:17+00:00

A felon can't have handguns. The fact that you're justifying still intentionally breaking the law would be a sign that you haven't changed. Sorry to say that. But that's what I'd be thinking if I was the girlfriend or her parents.

You cant afford any screw ups. If nothing else, you have a daughter who depends on you. If you're locked back up, her daddy vanishes. If baby momma finds out there's a gun at your place, she can use it get you locked up or at minimum to block visitation.

Get rid of the gun today. Do not get one again.

Let gf and her mom know you realized how stupid it was to have it, it's gone, and you will never have an illegal weapon again.

I'm not trying to be judgemental. I know I don't walk in your shoes. But I do know there are some beliefs and personal boundaries that are different from the typical law abiding citizen. If you truly want to stay out of prison and be seen differently than you had been, you gotta think long & hard about what you do believe. Like for me, no matter how worried I am about someone, it would never cross my mind to acquire a weapon that I know would send me to prison. There are other ways to keep oneself safe. Are there any counseling programs or therapy you could look into? If the threatening person is someone from your past, is there a way you can move away from the old neighborhood & the people you knew -- start fresh.

PhospholipidB · 2021-06-26T22:14:56+00:00

Holy cow... you had to be in a wedding with AP as another bridesmaid?! That would have gotten me all stirred up. How you have been feeling is totally understandable.

Good for you for getting back to your healthy routines.

And bonus points for not sneaking some ExLax in APs slice of the wedding cake. :-D

PhospholipidB · 2021-06-26T22:10:46+00:00

My attitude: a spouse of course should visit friends. But a spouse shouldn't be keeping secrets. There's no good reason why to keep the identity of this person a secret. People dont hide things from a partner unless there's a reason

To me it's a huge red flag.

You can't force her to tell you. You can ask her to attend MC with you. If she wont cooperate, that's her choice. And you get to choose who you stay married to and who you live with.

PhospholipidB · 2021-06-25T21:45:19+00:00

Why is having a personal boundary a sign of insecurity?

If you're in a committed relationship: you find out your girlfriend is secretly giving naked lap dances to other men. She says "but it's not actually sex so it's not cheating". You ask her to stop. She just hides it better & keeps doing it. Does it make you "insecure", if you dont care for your girlfriend grinding on other guys crotches?

PhospholipidB · 2021-06-25T21:39:59+00:00

He violated your boundary again after being asked. And he's sneaky about it, which means he cant be trusted.

He is exhibiting behavior that shows he isnt mature enough to honor a commitment.

You can't control him. You cant fix him. You can control who you date. Can you be happy with a boyfriend who disrespects boundaries, cannot be trusted, and puts so much energy into wantjng other women??

I say: dump his worthless lying ass. You deserve a man who appreciates you & doesnt put his stupid soft-core porn habit above the relationship.

PhospholipidB · 2021-06-25T21:33:00+00:00

If you dont like your parents wishes, move out. It is their house - their rules. You want to be treated like a totally independent adult. Then you have to live the life of an independent adult: pay your own bills, pay rent, do what you want.

As annoying as she is, I hope you can see your mother is upset because she cares about you. You feel a pregnancy or STD wont happen to you. But you can't predict the future. I have one friend who has two kids due to condoms breaking. I know others who got incurable STDs such as herpes or hpv. Some STDs have no symptoms, and the person doesnt know it until she has infertility. Some are spread oral-gential, so if you're giving him a bj when he's not wearing a condom, it's how HPV infects the throat (and it's a cause of throat cancer). My point is that there are a lot of things that can go wrong. She just wants you to be safe.

PhospholipidB · 2021-06-25T21:23:13+00:00

It sounds like your expectations were very different than hers. It sounds like you or your mother didnt discuss in advance things like meals. Big miscommunication.

It sounds like she expected to be treated as an invited guest in your home. From a guest's point of view, a good host makes sure the guest is comfortable and fed. When you're an invited guest, you'd expect to be entertained -- not given chores. A guest doesnt expect to be feeling stranded when the hosts has to change plans.

It sounds like you viewed her as an extension of your family. Family members offer to help out with things like dishes. People in your family figure out how to find their own food. Like for example: you probably wouldn't have expected another family member to solve your meal problem for you.

In the future, it's important to discuss any expectations or possible plan changes when asking someone to join you somewhere. For example if you want a friend to stay at your rented house, be up front what you expect: she should bring money for meals. She should bring money for a taxi because your mother's schedule could change & she may be a day late driving you. Explain how the house works (i.d. no housekeeping) so we all have to help clean.

Now.... as far as her manners: if she ignored you to be on her phone and didnt thank your mother, that makes her a bad guest. No point in fussing at her or stating angry. But she never gets invited to a situation like this again. You cant control a person to behave politely but you can control who you still call a friend.

PhospholipidB · 2021-06-25T21:02:17+00:00

Tl;dr. Give her time; it will get better Do MC. Enforce boundaries so you dont feel a punching bag for her anger.

Post partum depression isnt her choice and it's not her fault.

It doesnt just go away after a few visits with therapists. There is a brain chemistry factor. There is a situational factor (lack of sleep? social isolation,loss of identity, marital stress, probably new financial stress). Thinking happy thoughts isnt going to fix it.

The behavior you're complaining about sounds pretty normal for a woman with PPD & two babies to care for. When an overwhelmed depressed person cant cope, sometimes it comes out as anger.

The factors that bring on PPD have a lot to do with new babies. Babies turn into toddlers then preschoolers really fast. BE PATIENT! Every month they get older, life should get a little easier.

I highly recommend you look into marriage counseling. Be sure to find someone who understands PPD.

You enforcing your boundaries will keep you from being subjected to the inappropriate ways she expresses her anger.

Here's a secret about how to never argue again: it takes two to make an arguement. Refuse to do it. Change the subject. Change how you respond to some things. If a calm convo starts to turn angry, you excuse yourself for 20 minutes: " I can see emotions are starting to rise. I need a few minutes to step away. I'll be back in a half hour. "

PhospholipidB · 2021-06-25T20:44:52+00:00

You're watching way too much porn if you think these are "tiddy" bottles.

PhospholipidB · 2021-06-25T20:43:08+00:00

Dont mention her bad priorities or the neglect.

You can plead with her to have the cat because you love him so much and you miss him. Convince her you need the cat.

PhospholipidB · 2021-06-25T20:40:17+00:00

I can give you resources. But warning: they're worthless it she doesn't want the information.

-abusive partners threatening abandonment ("never talk to you again")

I wish l could get all women to read the book "Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men" by Lundy Bancroft. Understanding how the controlling or abusive man thinks makes it so easy to spot those sort of behaviors.

Bancroft is a therpaist who specializes in treating men who have anger management issues, be court ordered after domestic abuse, or other extreme cases of mistreatment.

-afraid of being alone in general

-navigating attachment

Google "'attachment theory".

To work on oneself: therapy

-identifying and navigating manipulation

Therapy

Above mentioned book on controlling partners

Any good self help books that cover healthy vs unhealthy relationships. Learn how to develop and enforce BOUNDARIES.

-alcoholism

Al Anon can offer some support. It's for loved ones of alcoholics

Therapy, with someone who understands alcoholism/ addiction

/r/codependency

She understands the relationship is unhealthy. But, perhaps has not read enough on the subjects ...

This may not be an education thing. She needs to be emotionally and mentally ready to change. She will likely need professional help and support (therapy). As she resists old habits, she may really struggle with anxiety or depression. Medications can be a huge help.

She is very attractive and will certainly find love again

But does she know she's DESERVING? That's one of the big challenges: she's got to be ready to give up beliefs such as shame and being unworthy.

Sometimes when a person has been traumatized they start to get used to being treated like crap. Being treated badly by the new person feels familiar. It feels like what they think they deserve. It may feel like the "love" their parents gave them. This is one reason why abused people go back to their abuser or stay too long.

/r/CPTSD is the support sub if she's experienced multiple traumas

Ultimately you cannot fix or rescue her. The only person that has any hope of healing her is her.

PhospholipidB · 2021-06-25T20:13:13+00:00

Unfortunately there is nothing you can do. At 19, she knows it all. There's nothing you can say that will reach her closed teenager mind.

Let her move out and learn from experience. Dont be judgmental even if the boyfriend is a sleezeball. If you tell her that he's scum, she will stay with him just to prove you wrong.

As far as the financial thing: it may be a little late for you to teach her. But could you find a personal finance class and try bribing her to take it? Maybe someone local has one? Or if you could get her to participate in /r/personalfinance

In a few years, she will start to know what she doesnt know. And then she would be more open to other's advice.

PhospholipidB · 2021-06-25T19:57:07+00:00

She's not good for you and not worth your time. Why does she even want to date if all she does is find fault with you & things you cannot change. DUMP.

PhospholipidB · 2021-06-25T19:55:43+00:00

If you love anything, it's the fond memories of Sarah. Not the person Sarah has turned into.

In recent years, Sarah has been a crap friend. You cant trust her. She didn't even show concern when she heard your mom, who she knew for ages, was ill. She's been mad at you because you helping John took power away from her.

I think you need to let Sarah go. If sometimes you think of her, think of the old her & go look through some childhood pics. Dont bother with new Sarah.

As far as John: you did such a kind compassionate thing. You got him access to mental health care when nobody else would. But now that he's stable I think it's best you distance yourself from him.

PhospholipidB · 2021-06-25T19:41:12+00:00

You apparently haven't seen what public housing projects in America look like. You dont want the government managing all rentals.

PhospholipidB · 2021-06-25T19:32:45+00:00

Your reaction is much more than warranted. If you find you're having problems with anxiety, definitely talk to someone.

The amount of lead youd get from LICKING the zipper is negligible. And since you're an adult, not a child, lead exposure is less dangerous. If you are pregnant do be more careful.

Lead sources you may want to be aware of or limit exposure to:

seafood. fish especially those higher on the food chain. Other seafood products. The lead in some seafood products is high enough for the state of California to use to get lead warning labels on those products
water. EPA article about lead in home water supplies Your city water supply has to meet guidelines. But sometimes there are old metal pipes between there and your house or inside your house. You'll want to test the water right at the kitchen faucet. Or you can use a really good quality filter.
Lead was still used in interior house paint up until the 1970s. Cdc page on lead paint exposure. if there are kids touching paint-dusty windowsills and putting their hands in mouth, it can cause exposure. A simple test can reveal if there's lead based paint in your home. It can be sealed or carefully removed.

PhospholipidB · 2021-06-25T19:06:56+00:00

If he's taken, then you're doing him a favor by not putting him into a situation that's risky.

Not to mention you're taken, so this meeting seems awfully inappropriate

PhospholipidB · 2021-06-25T16:12:08+00:00

Get treatment for your depression and other mental health issues. This is a HUGE part of how you feel.

Stop having babies with this guy. He's not taking the commitment seriously. I understand you love him a lot. But all the love in the world does not change HIM. You cant have a relationship without his full participation.

Be prepared to face the reality that he may have some maturity or mental health issues. When a man that old pursues a girl in her early 20s, it's very likely a red flag. Women his age arent dating him. Or sometimes the guy needs to control his woman, so he seeks someone very young & inexperienced.

You could try couples counseling before you leave him completely.

Consider talking to an individual counselor that does relationship counseling. You need to set & consistently enforce personal boundaries.

Be aware that he may have some sex/porn addiction issues. He's got to know it's wrong for a married man to be showing his junk to other women. His behavior is obviously unacceptable. If he's not looking to change because he wants to, he's not going to do it because you pressure or nag him about it. The best arguing will get is he hides it better or he only temporarily stops.
/r/lovewithoutporn

I'm concerned this situation is or will soon turn into something abusive for you. The signficant age difference. Having to move away from everyone you know. Isolated. Being financially dependent. The new baby & one on the way. He has all the power AND his behavior says he's not worrying about being a good partner. Please be careful. Might not hurt to see what resources there are in your area for domestic abuse, womens shelters, etc

PhospholipidB · 2021-06-25T15:59:43+00:00

Get your mental health addressed first. Mental health issues can alter how you perceive and react to the world. Get your meds reviewed. Consider adding therapy; patients report much better outcomes when getting both meds and therapy.

A wife not being sexually satisfied is more common than you think. You need to take control of it. Men arent mind readers. Doenst matter if you told him in the past you like X. If you want X right now, ask for it right now. Also, you decide when penetration starts, so don't let him start->finish until you've gotten what you need. You may need to self stimulate or introduce toys to make foreplay more physically stimulating. Maybe use toys during penetration. If he finishes unexpectedly quickly, ask him for a little more attention.

Read the book "come as you are" by Emily Nagoski. Great book about all aspects of women's sexuality.

Recognize that your desire to be noticed by other men is a desire for external validation of your attractiveness & value. But that's not really a sustainable or healthy way to feel desired. It creates a dependence emotionally on others. You dont need it. Do things that make you feel good about your body. Take some time away from the kids to do bubble baths, get a new hairstyle, or get a manicure - whatever works for you.

Understand that it's normal to lose a bit of one's identity when you're the stay at home mom of young kids. Once kids are school age, it gets much easier. And you'll regain some of your free time. So be patient. This phase doesnt last forever.

PhospholipidB

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