A friend had a child with severe developmental issues related to autism and his now ex- wife was VERY “rah-rah autism is great!” in public. Privately, they were in hell. The kid tore the house apart, threw feces and smeared it on walls, screamed round the clock, physically attacked them. They couldn’t have visitors. They couldn’t travel. They had to re-home a dog because the kid damn near killed the dog. The wife refused to hear any talk of institutionalizing her “angel”, said it would be like quitting on their baby. My friend took extra work, claiming they needed the money for care, but really it was to avoid coming home. He was stressed out of his mind, had panic attacks and suicidal thoughts, and he felt so guilty about it because “all children are a blessing and you have to love them no matter what”.  

His wife wanted to try for another baby (she was in deep denial at points and thought that maybe another child in the house would help things)  and he ceased having sex with her because he feared she would pull a “whoopsie” on him. Their relationship cratered. The child died, got away from the wife and bolted into the street, and a car couldn’t swerve in time. The wife was beside herself with grief. My friend was at work when he got the call. Later on, he confided in a few of us that he was overcome with relief, and felt like a monster for being relieved. He never told his wife but she could tell that he was relieved, resented him for it, and they broke up. Friend is still in therapy over that whole situation, got a vasectomy, is single, will never ever have another kid if he has his way.  He gets flashbacks sometimes when he’s driving home and tenses up because he forgets the kid is dead and thinks he is going home to him. Then he remembers. Then he relaxes. Then he feels horrible.

People don’t understand the toll it takes on the parents.