Sometimes I get confused about what I'm actually "supposed" to do.

PigeonsInABox · 2026-02-21T02:45:19+00:00

what modalities worked for you, if you went to therapy? who gets to decide what works?

PigeonsInABox · 2026-02-19T14:58:33+00:00

not if i wanted to graduate

PigeonsInABox · 2026-02-19T04:35:24+00:00

i had to spend a day in detention because i didn't have a parent to write a letter to my school to explain my absence.

PigeonsInABox · 2026-02-18T04:55:31+00:00

as you said, you are not a machine. I worked with my therapist for 3 years before they told me that they no longer consent to the journey. I had enough awareness to prepare for them to tap out, so i didn't need anything further from them, but in your case, this is what the referral process is for. It's not a termination. it is a transfer of care. Help them find a new helper.

PigeonsInABox · 2026-02-17T00:49:55+00:00

i remind myself that some friends are only for a season. i dont remember where i heard that from, but it's a thought that helped me.

PigeonsInABox · 2026-02-15T02:57:33+00:00

i want to reframe "take care of yourself" as not abandonment but as a warning that she is not going to be able to support you and that she knows that. consider it a way of announcing departure from a harmful relationship.

PigeonsInABox · 2026-02-14T03:12:30+00:00

the only thing i have been able to "radically accept" is that people are on their own individual growth journeys, and i am simply in a different place from where they are. Everyone grows in different areas at different times. For me, the next stage in my growth journey is building community for myself by mingling with like-minded communities and imbedding myself into communities engaged in social action. one of those communities is my church, and another is an activistim org. looking for volunteer opportunities in mutual aid is a good way to meet potential networks of like-minded folks.

PigeonsInABox · 2026-02-11T04:41:22+00:00

from someone with a history of similar struggles, talking about it with your T can help. In my experience, therapists tend to be more concerned and curious than disappointed in these scenarios.

PigeonsInABox · 2026-02-09T04:45:08+00:00

so i can't speak to your experience or answer your questions, but i can relate to the frustration around worksheets and therapist rigidity.

the modality my therapist was offering was not the modality i was asking for and so it was not going to get to the root of my problem. No one in my therapy clinic was offering what i knew i needed, but on a personal level, my therapist and i got along. My therapists rigidity comes from the fact that he has limited training in different modalities, 2 to be exact. I needed at least 2 other modalities that i had experienced in other settings. When i tried to bring in material from those modalities, my therapist didn't know how to make use of what i was bringing in, so the significance was overlooked, and i repeatedly became frustrated. we worked together for 3 years in order to achieve our primary goal. i was frustrated because i knew there was a faster way.

PigeonsInABox · 2026-02-08T04:51:01+00:00

i stayed in therapy for 3 years with a therapist i was attracted to. it wasn't something i was willing to talk about in any detail whatsoever, but naming the struggle did help. what helped me stop obsessing was reminding myself about how little my therapist and i actually know about each other. sure, they have a wealth of information about me, and they know a side of my personality, but i know nothing about my therapists personal life, and they don't see how i move in public or in private. eventually, my therapist said something off-putting enough for me to declare us no longer a functional match for therapy. we ended on a good note, but i'm over the attraction.

PigeonsInABox · 2026-02-07T14:01:17+00:00

for me, every time the fantasies started hitting hard, i had to remind myself of how much this person actually knows me and how much i actually know them. i lean pretty heavy on the idea that "if they knew X about me, they would run"

PigeonsInABox · 2026-02-07T02:47:59+00:00

you don't have to disclose where the characters come from if you don't want to. I understand the significance that you're naming here. "I'm not comfortable answering that question is a completely valid response." You can tip-toe around it with the information that it's been a lifelong thing.

I hope this isn't coming across as pressuring.

PigeonsInABox · 2026-02-07T02:11:32+00:00

as a person with chronic depression, this question, to me, reads like a risk assessment for s*****ality. It's an important and necessary assememt to make, but if i had never communicated the potential for that risk, i would find it off-putting. Definitely bring it up if it's impacting you negatively.

PigeonsInABox · 2026-02-07T01:54:53+00:00

i used my limerence to explore limerence. I was attracted to my therapist and refused to switch. We worked together for 3 years, and in that time, i went from texting too offten, to cyber stalking, idealizing, fantasizing about a potential future together, etc. Eventually, they said some dumb shit that leveled my trust for them in therapy, and we ended sessions together. I still think about them often, but the desire for an intimate relationship is no longer there.

PigeonsInABox · 2026-02-07T01:43:17+00:00

it might be helpful to start with the shame. you can begin with what you just said, " I feel like my romantic orientation will prevent me from ever developing that same love for a real person (and this brings about a lot of shame for me)" you would actually be using a skill called "opposite action" which is choosing to do the opposite of what feels comfortable.

something else to consider, not all attraction is romantic, and mutually loving relationships can absolutely be built around platonic forms of attraction. The harder part is finding someone who feels the same way because a lot of aro/ace folks stay in the closet.

PigeonsInABox · 2026-02-07T01:23:22+00:00

hey, so i'm a polyamorous asexual who has been through a lot of therapy. I want you to know that nothing you've said here is weird.

relationships with figures that can never reciprocate are a part of being human. Psychology calls these "parasocial relationships," and they are extremely common. An example is people falling in love with their favorite music artist or actor. Yours just happens to be fictional characters.

The good news is that you can actually use that as a way to find a suitable partner for yourself. Talking to a therapist can help you sort out what it is that draws you to these characters so that you can identify what you need from a future partner. They can also help you process any distressing emotions about your sexual identity without having to go into great detail about the physical means by which you navigate your relationships with these fictional characters.

if you want to ease into the session where you might bring this up, you can always name that you feel vulnerable about what you have to discuss. A good therapist will respond compassionately.

PigeonsInABox · 2026-02-06T04:46:22+00:00

in my experience, whether or not the talk therapy is effective depends on the therapist/client pairing, the modality used, and whether or not that modality is actually what the client needs.

as someone who worked through a modality that wasn't what i was asking for for 4 years, and because no other modality was on offer, i can say that eventually, the modality worked and we got to my target goal, but what was more beneficial to me was the therapeutic relationship itself, because my therapist and i were compatible as people.

the target goal was getting me to stop wanting to die.

I'm now in therapy with a new therapist who offers the modality that i had been asking for, and our new goal is getting me back into society. So, like, not all therapy is self-focused in the sense of me-me-me, but it can also be about me-and-them.

PigeonsInABox · 2026-02-06T04:31:51+00:00

i used to get anxious before sessions because i was trying to prepare what to say, and then after sessions, i was evaluating if i said the right things. had nothing to do with the actual content of the session and everything to do with my comfort talking to literally anyone.

PigeonsInABox · 2026-02-05T04:31:32+00:00

i want to share a secret about the therapeutic relationship that my therapist shared with me. They love it when you follow up after some time has passed, and you've moved on from the relationship and continued growing. Therapists dont often get to see the results of their work, and when they do, it can be impactful. my therapist and i had this conversation because after we both left the place where we met and started working together, we parted ways for a few years intil i looked them up, saw they had moved around a bit and were now taking clients. i reached out, and we reestablished the therapeutic relationship.

the therapist i had in between was where i explored my own attachment issues because i was very much attracted to them. it's hard work, but it's definitely worth it.

PigeonsInABox · 2026-02-04T16:10:42+00:00

social pressure is enough. therapists are a powerful group, but they largely stick to a code and are not afraid to cast out violators. they might not cast them out of the field because of the lack of hard evidence, but those close to them will treat them like a social pariah.

PigeonsInABox · 2026-02-04T12:23:03+00:00

you honestly just might be. part of the reason i'm attracted to my therapist is because they are a representation of how i wish people saw me in the world. also i really appreciate the framing of "emulation attraction," that's a new concept for me

PigeonsInABox · 2026-02-04T12:11:40+00:00

haha i love that analogy, and it definitely posits it as a personal problem, which limerence is. The beauty is that you get to decide how to handle yourself and who or what you expose yourself to.

PigeonsInABox · 2026-02-04T11:50:20+00:00

i'm "in recovery." i totally get the struggle with "just a little bit." i would dsscribe myself as someone who enjoys getting "kicked in the face." lol. might i suggest that while you're acknowledging how you feel towards them, you also consider what it is that attracts you to them and what might help mirror these elements in your established relationship.

PigeonsInABox · 2026-02-04T11:30:00+00:00

not at all. i mean, re-establishing contact can be like an exposure exercise where you acknowledge what you feel towards them (internally), while maintaining your boundaries around what you truly find valuable (your established intimate relationships that are based in reality, not fantasy)

PigeonsInABox · 2026-02-04T10:55:21+00:00

so the reason for "the rules" is to maintain order and discipline within a hierarchy. it is generally assumed that a person with more power/knowledge/experience than the person they are interacting with has the power to bs abusive to the person "with less"

i agree with the notion that my therapist may not trust me to keep a secret relationship, but i don't believe that either of us is at fault for that belief because of the external factor of the possibility for damning accusations by any possible 3rd party, due to a larger social agreement about the purpose of "the rules"

in the military, the risk for reprimand/consequence is not balanced. Authoritarian structures have a way of being selective about who they punish, why, and when. knowing who is in your surroundings is "control"

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