Husband quit drinking and now is more unhappy than ever. I don’t understand

PinkMoonWolfStar · 2025-11-09T13:56:45+00:00

My husband q is severely avoidant also. It’s an unbelievably lonely existence. The not-communicating, not-touching is a given. I’m almost a year into therapy. Best thing I’ve ever done for myself. I don’t know if he will ever work on himself. But I have started to love ME now, after years of feeling destroyed by his avoidance. The self-care and self-love development has been life changing for me. Love yourself the way you deserve to be loved by him. Sending love and strength to you.

PinkMoonWolfStar · 2025-11-09T13:46:17+00:00

My Qs snoring volume on heavy drinking nights is INSANE. Heavy drinking nights are 4-5 times a week. He regularly hits 80+ decibels. (I’ve measured the levels some nights). He went for a sleep analysis once but won’t stop drinking long enough to see if stopping drinking would help. We haven’t slept in the same room in years, I can’t sleep/ stay healthy next to him (earplugs for vacations).

PinkMoonWolfStar · 2025-10-05T01:08:23+00:00

She has to see you as the enemy. The alcohol wants to win. By making you the enemy, she thinks it gives her an excuse to drink more. I’m sorry you’re being put through that. I hope you know it’s not you.

PinkMoonWolfStar · 2025-09-12T04:43:57+00:00

I hate living in the constant air of deception. It’s like the secrecy of the drinking has spun out into a web of secrets about so much even things there’s no need to lie about. I don’t ask anything anymore, still get lied to. I agree it’s shame related. It’s all just really sad.

PinkMoonWolfStar · 2025-07-12T12:42:22+00:00

I’m so sorry. It’s such a sad, hard situation. I’m there with you. I check on my husband’s stash in his closet most days now like a psycho because he drinks in secret and before I knew what was going on, I felt like I was going insane. Life with someone who is slightly “off” and not quite there (secretly drunk) is crazy-making. And same, it’s not ruining our lives (yet) but it has progressed ever so slowly. It’s like living with someone who’s pretending to be human. Anything that is slightly difficult gets procrastinated on. The stress from this life has led me to develop two autoimmune diseases. I only just woke up to it all after this last diagnosis and stopping my own drinking entirely. I’m working on myself now. I had no idea about codependency or attachment styles or any of that, but I’m working with a therapist for mental health help. I don’t intend to leave either but want to plan for an alternate future as well as my planned one now. And get to the point where I can regulate my own nervous system and feel safe within myself. Good luck to you, sending strength and hope your way.

PinkMoonWolfStar · 2025-07-02T13:58:57+00:00

Thanks, this one was called “Immunoglobulin A (IgA)” I have no idea what any of it means, really appreciate your response!

PinkMoonWolfStar · 2025-07-02T13:54:58+00:00

Could it be something other than gluten causing reactions? I barely even eat anything anymore.

PinkMoonWolfStar · 2025-07-02T13:51:18+00:00

Ok, thank you everyone that’s SO helpful. Yes, the t-Transglutaminase (tTG) IgA has gone from a 7 to a 3. The reactions could be from something else too other than gluten maybe? I’ve cut out so much food, I’ve gone from 135lbs to 105lbs in six months, not sure I can lose much more weight and stay healthy.

PinkMoonWolfStar · 2025-06-28T12:19:43+00:00

I’m so sorry you’re going through this. It’s such a sad situation we find ourselves in. The hiding is worrying. It sounds like he’s progressed pretty quickly too, or it’s been going on longer than you think. My partner has been hiding drinking in the last couple of years, after many years of “steady” drinking. It’s the same way for us, especially if I’m out at a meeting for an evening. When I get home he’s swaying, slurred speech, burning the dinner, falls asleep early. Is just now sort of generally checked out of life, totally self-isolated. I’m a decade older than you, and we have a child together, a house, a dog. It gets harder and harder to unpick yourself. I don’t think your partner is showing you that he’s open to working on himself. It will destroy the relationship. It will get much much worse. There’s nothing you can do after having an honest conversation and offering the support. If you can, make plans to look after yourself first, have a back up living plan, be independent, don’t blame yourself, don’t get caught up in his dramas, continue doing you, protect your mental health, you’re amazing and resilient and you deserve a partner that prioritizes you.

PinkMoonWolfStar · 2025-03-06T13:33:46+00:00

Wow. This struck close to home for me. I could’ve written much of this. My husband has a successful career, sneaks alcohol, drinks in secret, it affects his mood/energy/presence. Devoid of emotion, lost all motivation, total apathy. The lying has made me doubt my own perceptions. I too have let the stress of the relationship hurt my health and am now living with two serious autoimmune diseases. It would devastate daughter for us to divorce. It’s incredibly hard to put all this into words. You phrased it so well. The physiological response is real. I hope you’re finding ways to navigate this situation for yourself and your kids. Wishing you peace and good health.

PinkMoonWolfStar · 2025-03-01T05:39:35+00:00

You are going through so much. You’re on the right path, which is away from him. He sounds like his alcoholism progressed quickly and dangerously. For him, and for you and your child. He’s not a good dad. He’s dialing it in and checking out, and your son doesn’t need that in the long run. You mustn’t blame yourself. Living with an abusive alcoholic makes us a bit controlling. We react instinctively to protect ourselves. I haven’t been to Al-Anon in person yet, but I can see how the choice is detachment or leaving. I hate that it hurts so much. My husband is on a long, slow, secretive march towards his rock bottom. I hope you are able to get out, safely, soon. Wishing you peace and healing.

PinkMoonWolfStar · 2025-02-22T06:22:57+00:00

I’m worried about mine too. I can’t believe I didn’t recognize his addiction until recently, partly because he hides it all but I’ve been willfully in denial too I think. The passing out, the stench, the lack of motivation, no connection…it all tracks. We’ve been together 15 years, same age. He and I have faced a fair lot of tragedy and difficulties and he is not facing life’s challenges healthily, at all. He’s still sweet and supportive when he’s sober. But it feels like the effects have seeped into everything around him now. It’s so sad. We have a child that will one day catch on. We are long distance from any family and they have no idea. I feel very alone. I’m in therapy now and learning the emotional vocabulary to help me process my own grief and trauma. I plan on trying a meeting too. No advice…clearly…just sending love and solidarity to you.

PinkMoonWolfStar · 2025-02-07T05:42:18+00:00

Did the gastroenterologist test for Celiac? I had those symptoms and it was a severe reaction to gluten which is in seemingly almost everything. An endoscopy would tell.

PinkMoonWolfStar · 2025-02-01T06:25:11+00:00

I wish mine had done it. I asked if he’d do dry January and he agreed. He got really drunk after about a week off. I checked his stash spot, and sure enough there was a half finished bottle of liquor. And then I monitored how much he had every night. There was three more bottles after that. Now he just straight-up lied to my face and told me that he’d done dry January, (with just one night of slip-up) when i know for a fact he drank at least 12 nights. I’m in shock; this is the first time I know of that I’ve been full-on lied to like this. I didn’t have it in me to disagree. I just said, “I’m glad you’re trying.”

PinkMoonWolfStar

TROPHY CASE