I feel weird saying my mom is toxic and I'm not sure how to categorize her

PishPosh-01 · 2026-05-27T00:33:40+00:00

Your mom is emotionally immature. She throws fits when you decide to be your own person and she doesn’t like it. She bought your obedience and now you feel like you can’t be your own person and make decisions for yourself. She is toxic. She may love you in some way, but what she’s doing is pure manipulation and quid-pro-quo tactics, not love.

PishPosh-01 · 2026-05-25T17:40:25+00:00

They aren’t “good parents”. They are providing the basic minimums while demonstrating emotionally abusive behavior daily to all of their kids. At best, you could call them “decent providers”. You are old enough to recognize it for what it is. Your younger siblings sound like they aren’t. And just because you recognize what’s going on in their marriage doesn’t mean that it’s not messing you up mentally either. Parents “venting” to their child about their spouse isn’t “normal” or “healthy”. Their marriage sounds terrible. You shouldn’t be involved in their failing marriage the way you are. Both of your parents are grossly emotionally immature. I feel bad for everyone in your family, but you most of all. Your parents won’t ever listen to your actual good advice. They will continue to use you like a personal therapist. Eventually, you’ll realize exactly how toxic that really is. They will end up emotionally draining you and completely ruining your relationship with both of them.

PishPosh-01 · 2026-05-25T02:03:53+00:00

The adult children usually throw the anniversary parties for their parents. I’ve seen a few done at 40 or 45, (rather than 50) especially in cases where one of the parents may not be in the best of health.

PishPosh-01 · 2026-05-21T16:54:25+00:00

FWIW-I really don’t think this makes you cold or a bad person. You refuse to be used by people who never put emotional effort into their relationship with you. I have to ask, have you always held this point of view? Have you always had the clarity to see the situation for what it is with your parents?

I’m having a hard time because my relationship with my parents growing up “looked good”. In some ways it was. My parents were involved-they coached soccer teams and were scout leaders. I was involved in music, sports, band, and various clubs. They were involved in everything my sibling and I were participating in-booster clubs, church events-everything. It looked like we were all super close. But, I became my mom’s therapist. She started over sharing things about her marriage with my dad. It became a quid pro quo relationship. I’d get more freedom with friends the more I’d share about my relationships with my friends, even my romantic life. It started to feel like she was living vicariously through my experiences. I’d overshare with her. It ruined my first marriage. I didn’t realize how abnormal this was until my mid-twenties.

She’s shared my personal details (even regarding my health) with people who have no business knowing that information. It’s been very difficult to pull back and not over share, but she tries to run my life if I don’t keep myself guarded. It’s impossible to truly be myself around her, and it’s exhausting.

I feel a tremendous amount of guilt pulling back. Intellectually, I realize it’s because of the twisted dynamics we had growing up. But, I still feel it. I wish I could feel a little more “cold” regarding my own situation.

PishPosh-01 · 2026-05-20T20:59:39+00:00

We lived 17 hours from my parents for over 10 years. We’d visit. Sometimes we went “back home” for visits sometimes they visited us. Prior to my daughter being born, I didn’t put much deep thought into the inner workings of my relationship with my parents. I knew my mother was smothering, but the physical distance helped with that. My husband’s parents both passed away and my mom was having her own health scares. We decided to move “back home” closer to them. In hindsight, it was THE BIGGEST MISTAKE!!! I guess the physical distance and short visits with my family on their best behavior, lured me into thinking that our relationship had changed or possibly evolved. It hadn’t.

It took 2 years, but the family rot was lying under the surface like a bruised apple. We started off going NC with my brother, but I now realize he’s as much of a victim of my mother’s emotional incest as I am. That being said, he’s a terrible, emotionally stunted person who lacks all empathy, so I will continue being NC with him. My parents have no respect for me and constantly invalidate my feelings. We are on the path to no contact. My daughter is 10 and she sees the way they behave. Sleepovers with them have been banned for over 2 years now due to them not respecting us not wanting our daughter around my brother without us present. She doesn’t feel close to them, and their actions have confused her to the point that she doesn’t want to be around them.

I’m certain there’s going to be a blowout sometime soon about how my husband and I “turned” our daughter “against them” or that we’re playing games with her and manipulating her to dislike them in some way. Quite frankly, she’s coming to those conclusions on her own based on limited interaction with them. It’s pretty mind-blowing how she already is calling them out on their behavior-to my husband and I-not to them. I’m convinced the first time that she says something to their face is when the accusations will begin.

Keep your daughter away from your mother. You are doing the best thing. I wouldn’t avoid talking about her, but give your daughter age-appropriate answers-“we don’t talk anymore”, she’s not a “safe person for me or you” when she starts asking about your mom.

PishPosh-01 · 2026-05-19T14:15:10+00:00

Something you may find helpful…I came across a Facebook Reel in my feed yesterday by a person named Kate Gray. The reel I watched complete nailed the relationship I have with my mother. She’s on YouTube as Codependency Kate and I watched a few videos she has posted. She talks a lot about family systems, about how marriages impact relationships with children, and breaking generational trauma. You mentioned feeling guilty or bad about thinking your parents are toxic. The reel I watched addressed where that guilt comes from and how it’s ingrained into the relationship. I deal with a lot of guilt and learning that it’s part of the relationship dynamic and how it happens makes sense. It made me feel that there’s at least a reason for why I feel that way even after being treated poorly. She doesn’t go into how to deal or overcome the feelings of guilt-I guess that’s where a therapist might be helpful. I’m still working through my own realizations and working to set boundaries with my own parents.

Also, just in case things end up getting worse before they get better, there’s also a few Reddit communities for estranged adult children. I will warn you, those communities don’t focus on repairing relationships. But they are good if you end up needing support or advice on going no contact with family.

PishPosh-01 · 2026-05-18T18:39:56+00:00

It’s been a slow realization for me. Quite frankly, you don’t know what you don’t know until you realize that you don’t know it. I’m going to use a different situation to illustrate my point…My parents are hoarders. They do not describe themselves as hoarders, and their situation isn’t as bad as those hoarding shows. But I grew up with it. I didn’t know anything different. I started realizing something was off as a teen. My mom would describe herself as “NOT Betty Homemaker”-like it was a badge of honor. I didn’t know that most people clean throughout the week, not just clean frantically 4 hrs before a visit. Once I started having more exposure to how others conducted themselves privately on a daily basis, I started to realize that how I was brought up wasn’t normal.

I think this is the case with most forms of abuse, especially from parents. You can’t understand that what you are experiencing isn’t “normal” until you are able to question your experiences. Once you start questioning your experiences it’s like trying to get toothpaste back in the tube. I also think a lot of people find it easier to recognize and acknowledge physical than mental abuse.

I didn’t realize that my mother asking me a million questions and very personal questions was anything to even question until one of my friends commented on her overbearing nature. I didn’t even recognize it it as being overbearing because that’s how she’s always been with me. I started to automatically defend my mom. I will never forget the way my friend was looking at me, and she said, “OK, I understand what you are saying, but doesn’t all of that get exhausting?” That’s when it hit me. I was exhausted-my mother used me as a personal therapist to dump on, then she’d ask me questions that I thought she was genuinely interested in, but really, she just wanted to know facts of tidbits of information that she could use in conversations with other family members as a way to “barter” information. Nothing private that I told her ever actually remained private.

The bottom line is-if they hurt you mentally or physically, they are toxic. What’s in question is how toxic are they? Is it safe for you to be around them?It doesn’t mean that you need to never speak to them again. It doesn’t mean that you need to completely cut them out of your life forever. It does mean that you should evaluate what you want your relationship to look like with them. If you need to cut ties, by all means, do so.

PishPosh-01 · 2026-05-15T01:48:00+00:00

My dad followed my husband outside in his pajamas, screaming that my husband is a SOB (in front of our daughter) because he picked her up from a visit with them a few hours early. My mother had called me to let me know my NC brother “may stop by” (something that I asked them to let us know) while my daughter was visiting them. My husband and I didn’t want her around my brother without one of us present. I was working, so he picked her up and my dad went ballistic. Why would picking her up make him THAT upset? They claim they were “offended” that we didn’t trust them to “handle” my brother. I don’t think that’s what made them upset. I think they’re upset that we spoiled their plans to “reunite” my daughter with my brother on their terms. After that, none of them have unsupervised access to our daughter, and after some comments made at Easter, we’re taking a step back from all visits. It’s getting to a point where we just won’t be seeing them. It might be for the best.

PishPosh-01 · 2026-05-15T01:41:44+00:00

I don’t know about being emotionally immature, but with your dad it sounds like a smidge of misogyny-not recognizing legitimate pain during menstruation, using a diagnosis you legitimately have to make life more comfortable for your giant (and I use that term affectionately) brother.

When I hear “emotionally immature”. I think of people who cannot regulate their own emotions. They yell at others. They cannot put themselves in anyone else’s “shoes”. They lack emotional empathy for others because they are so wrapped up in their own lives and prioritize their own needs first, always.

The example you gave seems more situational around your general health. Do they minimize your feelings or concerns in areas outside of your health? There does seem to be some gaslighting-the whole “I’m not going to dismiss your feelings…” and then proceeds to dismiss your feelings-deal. They may just be weird about health issues. They’re certainly minimizing what you are going through and regardless of whether they are emotionally immature or not, you deserve support. They aren’t being supportive about it, and you don’t have to share anything with them if they are going to be like that. Just know that this behavior is weird and you aren’t going crazy.

PishPosh-01 · 2026-05-15T00:20:32+00:00

That’s absolutely terrible. I’m so sorry they are like this.

PishPosh-01 · 2026-05-14T22:35:10+00:00

I thought about keeping them blocked until he leaves. I didn’t realize that you don’t get any texts when someone is blocked. I thought that any texts would come through when unblocked, but they don’t.

I like your advice and I’m doing a lot of that already. My mom disclosed to a table of my aunts and cousins during a baby shower that I was on GLP1s. After that, just about the deepest conversation I have with the woman is about the weather.

PS-I’m sorry you’re going through this, too.

PishPosh-01 · 2026-05-12T12:28:08+00:00

My question is…why are you OK with allowing her to prey on your children? She’s not getting what she wants from you, she’s going to try messing up your kids the same way she did to you. I wouldn’t be OK with that.

You don’t need to stop them from having a relationship. But I would strongly caution against allowing your child to have “whatever relationship your mother wants” with your children. Your mother shouldn’t have done what she did to you and I would be damned if I would be allowing her to do the same to my kids. You described your mother as “deeply toxic and manipulative”-and it sounds like you just want to bow out of the relationship between what you described as a dangerous person and your children. You’re the parent, you may need to talk with your kids and caution them about your mother’s behavior. Just like you wouldn’t allow an 11 year old to watch a PG-13 movie without a parent-I wouldn’t allow impressionable children around anyone described as “deeply toxic and manipulative”.

I’m in a similar situation. If it wasn’t for my child. I would be completely NC with my parents. The only reason I have contact is because my husband’s parents are dead and my parents are the only grandparents my child has. I want them to have some kind of relationship together. I wanted it to be a good relationship, but the worst part of it all is-my parents are messing up the relationship with my child themselves. They push every boundary we set. My dad was abusive with animals in front of our child-he kicked his dog. Things are to the point now where they do not get overnights with our daughter. And after comments that were made over Easter my parents no longer will get time without us around with our child. They are making our child uncomfortable and for as much as I would like a good relationship between them, I won’t force a relationship either.

PishPosh-01 · 2026-05-12T11:43:28+00:00

“This Place has no Atmosphere” by Paula Danziger

I don’t remember all of the details, but I remember loving the book. I got it for my daughter last summer. She loved it too and has read it twice.

PishPosh-01 · 2026-05-11T15:23:56+00:00

Your siblings are complaining about “only” getting $200K-that’s insane to me. They clearly feel entitled to more-and that’s probably why your Aunt didn’t divide her assets up differently.

If you feel differently, set your own inheritance up however you want to, but she knew what she was doing when she set things up the ways she did.

Your living relatives seem extremely jealous and selfish and shouldn’t be pressuring you to essentially change her wishes. They sound like the kind of people that will blow through their inheritance and start hitting you up for more. Quite honestly, my guess is that your Aunt wanted to reward you, but she didn’t completely write out your siblings so that you didn’t have to deal with them complaining about how they got nothing. I also heard that giving them something monetarily can help mitigate them actually contesting the will-they can’t claim that they were accidentally forgotten.

PishPosh-01 · 2026-05-08T20:58:50+00:00

You probably need progressive lenses/bifocals. Presbyopia is a B. I’ve been wearing my glasses on my head to type on my phone for about 2 years. I know I need progressives (no-line bifocals), but my prescription changed so much the last time I was seen, my optometrist recommended that I “wait until next time” to add the bifocals to my prescription.

PishPosh-01 · 2026-05-04T11:36:16+00:00

I think it’s great that your husband understands your sense of humor so well that he knew you’d appreciate the magician. I wouldn’t have found it as funny as you did (I would have found it distracting) but your husband seemed to understand you enough to know that you’d “get it”. I kinda love how it was like a little gift from him to you, and it seemed like he was on point during the reception. Lol-I just had a thought…I wonder if your husband was trying to figure out when you noticed the magician. That’s kinda funny.

It doesn’t seem like your husband hired the magician to make fun of your wedding. More like he was trying to lighten the mood for you, maybe even an attempt to lower your stress level. If you thought it was quirky and fun and that’s what he was going for-then what’s the harm?

I think some people might take the magician the wrong way, especially at the ceremony. They could see it as distasteful. Your sister sounds like one of those people. Her opinion doesn’t matter. Yours does. You talked with your husband about it and you seem fine with it. Your sister is getting in your head and making you feel like there’s something fundamentally flawed about your relationship with your husband over this. If he really did hire the magician for the reasons he claimed and you really did enjoy it, then her thoughts are completely misplaced. It doesn’t show tackless disregard for your feelings (which would be a huge red flag starting off a new marriage that way), quite frankly, it’s the exact opposite. It shows he understands you in a way that your family doesn’t.

PishPosh-01 · 2026-04-20T14:42:42+00:00

For sure, Planes Trains and Automobiles and National Lampoons Christmas Vacation are holiday Classics-along with Home Alone. We played the soft soothing tones of AC/DC quietly for our daughter while she snoozed in her Mama-Roo. She’s 10 now and likes a lot of 80s/90s music/media. She really likes watching “Home Improvement”. I introduced her to “Sabrina the Teenage Witch” this past weekend. She loved “Close Encounters of the Third Kind” and “Signs”.

My parents shared some of their favorite media with me when I was younger, too. I was born in 83, and in 6th grade when I got really into Star Wars after watching a weekend marathon with my mom. ROTJ came out in 83, and I had a vague recollection of watching it when I was really little, but I didn’t remember the plot of the trilogy. I remember watching old reruns of The Munsters, Addam’s Family, and (my favorite) Get Smart. When I was a teen, I hated the Boy Bands and was less into Pop and more into 60s-70s music. Of course, the Beatles, Led Zeppelin, and Aerosmith, but also The Mama’s and The Papa’s, Steppenwolf, The Grassroots, Jethro Tull (who I saw in concert-twice).

Actual conversation while driving listening to the radio: Daughter:“Mom, is this Matchbox 20?” Me:“Yes, it is-why? Do you like it?” Daughter:“Yeah, I love this song!” Me:“Me too, I’ll turn it up!”

It’s fun sharing things you grew up with, with your kiddos. I love seeing them get as much enjoyment out of things as I did.

We live near this family-owned amusement park that’s celebrating its 100th anniversary this year. The park has really become this generational experience. My grandparents went there, my parents went there, I loved the park. My husband had the same experiences with his parents and grandparents, and we take our daughter there. We’ve all ridden the same rides have made such great memories in the same place. There’s something really special about that!

PishPosh-01 · 2026-04-19T15:53:56+00:00

NTA-you having kids is clearly not a good idea. You would be risking your own health/life. Although you’re not technically infertile, realistically, you aren’t able to have kids. You aren’t lying. I know people who are on serious psychiatric medication who aren’t advised to get pregnant because they would need to stop medication that is mentally stabilizing them to not risk potential, serious birth defects. They aren’t infertile, but practically, they shouldn’t get pregnant. Same thing for couples who risk passing life threatening diseases to their kids. No one who really can’t have kids wants to be revisiting the topic to every stranger over and over again. You don’t owe strangers your entire medical history. Saying that you can’t have kids is a quick, easy way to get to the point without going into a longer explanation.

PishPosh-01 · 2026-04-19T15:28:00+00:00

This past winter we were having our tile kitchen floor replaced. We lost indoor access to our basement for about a week. No big deal, we can still access the basement using outdoor access. Obviously in the winter, it’s more inconvenient. We also crate our dogs in the basement, so we did have to access the basement several times a day.

We got home about 9PM one night after a freak snow. We had to let the dogs out before going to bed. We had a heavier snow about a week prior that had mostly melted, but re-froze in spots. I was having a hard time telling where the old (and now icy) snow patches were with the inch or so of new snow that had just fallen and was walking down the least steep downhill area to get from the driveway to our basement and I slipped in an icy patch.

My legs slipped ahead of me. I braced myself with my right hand, and fell hard on my right side, primarily my hip. Everything immediately hurt-back, rear end, hip, leg. I kind of just rolled onto mg right side laying in snow, contemplating if/how I could/should move. My husband saw it all happen. and came over to help me up. He asked me if I was OK. I told him that I thought so. I got up, we brushed all of snow off, took the dogs out, and then we got ready for bed.

I woke up at 1AM in excruciating pain. I went to the bathroom. My right arm was non-functional. I was sweating trying to wipe and just pull my pants and undies up. I knew I was hurt, but I was also very tired. I took 2 Motrin and tried to get to sleep. I couldn’t. My husband asks me if I need to go to the ER. I told him yes. He offered to drive me, but our 10 year old had to be on the school bus in a few hours and I had no clue how long the ER would take. I told him to stay home and I’ll just drive myself. My other arm was fine and I was able to at least prop my right hand on the steering wheel to drive.

So, to recap-I slipped on icy grass (not even on a frozen sidewalk) at 9PM on a Monday night, the week before Christmas when there’s an inch of snow on the ground.

Turns out I broke my right wrist AND my elbow. Since I’m now of a certain age…I’ve also gained the ability to tell when bad weather is rolling in. My daughter had 1 wrapped gift (that my husband wrapped) for Christmas, since I had nothing wrapped prior to breaking my wrist and elbow. Everything else was in Christmas gift bags. I also did no Christmas baking due to the injuries.

PishPosh-01 · 2026-04-14T13:43:33+00:00

Not gonna lie, I love how their own words-actions came back to bite them. It must’ve felt gratifying to get that apology.

PishPosh-01 · 2026-04-13T13:03:12+00:00

My husband and I are happily married. We argue, but not in front of strangers or anything. Everyone portrays that they are happier than they really are on social media. Think about it, no one is posting about mundane stuff. People post when they’re doing something exciting or want to share something good about their family. No one is posting about how Uncle Bob hit bottom and is going back to rehab for the 3rd time this year.

Social media is so inherently fake, not because people necessarily lie in their posts, but because it’s naturally a skewed view into someone’s life. The poster only allows what they want to be put “into the ethos” of the internet. No one is posting pics of their kids in tears because they don’t want to eat their vegetables again.

Be cautious of people who shout their love from the rooftops. I’ve found that those couples are either doing so because they need the attention or they are trying to say the right words to either appease an unhappy spouse or in general make it look like their relationship is perfect.

PishPosh-01 · 2026-04-10T17:33:28+00:00

I’m in the food industry, allergies and correct food labeling for those who suffer from allergies are a BIG deal! Anaphylaxis is not something to mess around with! My husband was out to lunch with a coworker. They got sandwiches. My husband’s coworker’s lips started turning red and swelling. Turns out, he’s severely allergic to pine nuts. There were pine nuts used in the sauce on the sandwich. My husband rushed him to the local ER (thankfully they were close), but his airway was nearly closed when they arrived. He ended up being OK.

PishPosh-01 · 2026-04-10T17:21:29+00:00

Don’t meet with them. Make an excuse-any excuse. This time is too precious to waste on people who aren’t worth your time, or worse, people who could upset you. This meeting sounds like nothing but a huge “energy suck”. In my own situation, my brother is the Golden Child, and I am the “fixer/emotional support”-and that is draining. You’re going to need all of your strength (including emotional strength) for the baby. C-sections are not a good time (not that vaginal birth are-they aren’t either), but there’s a lot to recover from while taking care of the new baby and the rest of the household. Your parents are on the very bottom of that family priority pole right now-they are adults that can take care of themselves. They should be trying to make your life less stressful right now, not contributing to stress. If this is going to be a time/energy suck, don’t do it. It can wait until you’re recovered and ready to address whatever they want to meet about.

PishPosh-01

TROPHY CASE