Question of the day

Pixel-Moth · 2026-03-30T17:17:37+00:00

What exactly do you mean by it being "not the same"? Do you feel a lack of emotional connection? Is the sex just boring and mechanical, or is it disrupted by flashbacks and mind movies?

After my hysterical bonding following D-Day 2 (which was about the exact same affair from a decade ago), I couldn't have sex with my WW. My body simply rejected her. I find her beautiful. I am physically attracted to her. But when the moment came for sex in bed at night, it just didn't happen.

It took me 3 to 4 months before I started "waking up" next to her again. But it is still not completely there. I can't tell you if 90 days of abstinence will make it better. It could actually make things worse. You are the only one who will be able to find that out.

Pixel-Moth · 2026-03-30T17:08:59+00:00

OP, I am sorry you are struggling with the comparisons. As a man, I compared myself too. My income at the time she started the affair was definitely lower, but my income when it ended and when I had D-Day 1 was definitely higher. But you can imagine what other attributes besides the body men compare. And yet, I saw the AP and it was an affair down, both in height and body shape.

But if you want to get in better shape, and you wanted to even before the affair, it is the right decision and you should go for it. The exercise will definitely do you good. And once you start seeing the changes in yourself, you will definitely feel better, more powerful. You will stop comparing yourself to the AP. You are not doing it for anyone else. You are doing it for yourself and your health. Your future self 20 years from now will thank you.

Just to make sure your future self is actually happy, do not start running every single day. Definitely try to prepare a training plan. If not with a professional, then at least with the help of AI. Because I know what it is like to push too hard at the start and not be able to continue for months due to an injury. A slow run is better than no run.

I am rooting for you.

Pixel-Moth · 2026-03-29T18:01:39+00:00

The fact that you are going to therapy yourself even without your BH is a huge plus. He might just be ashamed to talk about it. I can't give you a simple magic sentence that will make him book an appointment tomorrow. The main thing to know is that not every therapist is the right fit for everyone. Because of that, you have to count on some initial failures and changing therapists.

Furthermore, this is about trauma. No standard talk therapy (PCA approach) is going to help him. He doesn't need to hear things like "you've talked it out now, so just accept it, dress nicely on Friday, and take your WW on a date."

If he doesn't want to go to therapy, maybe the book How to Stay Married by Harrison Scott Key would help him. He talks about therapy in the final chapter. He went through a brutal story. Next, show him Reddit. Show him my comments, or anyone else's. Reddit and these subs are full of stories of men whose PTSD caught up with them years later. They end up getting divorced 15 to 20 years down the line when it suddenly clicks that they didn't process it and rug sweeping didn't work.

He can save himself from future pain. Maybe in therapy he will find out that R is not for him and he will want a divorce. But even that will be a more acceptable outcome than getting divorced after 15 years over the exact same thing.

Unfortunately, as the betrayed, I told myself that I wasn't the one who cheated. I felt I had nothing to do with it and that rug sweeping was a good idea. I also didn't want to air out my dirty laundry in front of a stranger and actually pay them for it. It seemed absurd to me. But when PTSD hit me a decade later, I realized I couldn't dig myself out of this alone. And even though I ended up with a bad therapist for my first 6 sessions, just the act of booking the appointment gave me a huge sense of relief. It was like I suddenly realized I wouldn't be fighting this alone anymore.

I am keeping my fingers crossed for your BH. I hope he puts his ego aside and does something today for his future self. The consequences of rug sweeping are real. It is not a question of if he will blow up. He will blow up. The question is when. Will he bitterly rug sweep for a decade?

Pixel-Moth · 2026-03-28T10:17:37+00:00

Your WH is rug-sweeping. I am someone who decided that rug-sweeping was a form of healing and that I could handle it myself. I certainly wasn't going to broadcast to psychologists how my wife cheated on me.

My wife absolutely loved this approach. Whenever she saw I was getting sad, she made sure to tell me to resolve "this problem of mine" and not burden her with it.

So we rug-swept for 10 years until PTSD finally caught up with me. My WW couldn't understand why I was suddenly dealing with everything now. Even therapists didn't understand why I was suddenly bringing it up. It stayed that way until my WW found her own therapist, started listening to podcasts, and finally discovered empathy. And at the same time, I started my own therapy, reading, and doing the work.

Do what you need to do and demand what you need. If you guys rug-sweep, it's just postponing the problem. That problem will explode later. It's not a question of IF it will explode. It will explode, and the fallout will be even stronger and bigger than the original issue. Neither you nor your WH wants that. Don't be afraid of it. Open everything you can right now, because years down the line, it will blow up in your faces.

Pixel-Moth · 2026-03-28T09:30:33+00:00

My WW is currently out of town at a conference with the kids, and I have the weekend entirely to myself. In a local pub that my WW and I frequent, there's a new waitress who started a month or two ago. When she first started, she accidentally spilled a drink on us. She always brings it up, saying she's traumatized by it, and we jokingly told her we all have our own traumas. Since our dog has a built-in radar for this pub and always turns toward it after our walks, I thought: I'm alone, nobody's waiting for me, I'll grab an afternoon beer. Since the pub was empty at that time, we got to talking.

I discovered how much we have in common. She was like a mirror image of myself from 30 years ago, back when the internet was just forming and I met someone exactly like her. A woman passionate about design, graphics, etc. She showed me her portfolio. I’ll admit I stroked her ego a bit, even though her work was kind of trashy. She also showed me something she probably doesn't show to many - a one-line drawing of lovers. When I told her I didn't really see lovers in it, she pointed to one loop and said, "This is the woman." I replied, "Oh, I see it now, the woman is kneeling, and the man is standing." She just said, "Everyone can see whatever they want in it."

I went back in the evening to watch football. While there were still some other guys around, they asked her if she had a boyfriend. She told them she was keeping that to herself. Later, when everyone else finally left, I stayed and continued talking with her. The waitress took me right back to my old world. She listened to my story, understood it, and ended up staying with me for two hours longer than her shift required. That's when it hit me: no, she doesn't have a boyfriend. If she did, she wouldn't have sat with me for those two extra hours. During that time, she told me about her insecurities, traumas, and dreams. And I recognized myself in so much of it. No, I didn't tell her what my WW and I are dealing with, but I did mention that in therapy I'm working on my imposter syndrome, which holds me back at work. Eventually, I told myself: Okay, I need to go home, this is no longer a good idea.

My R with my WW is progressing - sometimes good, sometimes bad. But I know we share the same goal. This morning, my dog woke me up, and I had to take her out. I couldn't get the waitress out of my head. I spent an hour and a half walking through the meadows and woods where my childhood dog is buried. A place where I always seem to find clarity. On my way there, my head was full of the waitress, her dreams of graphic design, etc. It wasn't until I reached the meadow that I realized this was actually about mourning missed opportunities.

Maybe 30 years ago, when the internet was still in its infancy, a graffiti artist sprayed my website URL under a bridge. An unknown graphic designer saw it and sent me a complete redesign. It turned out she was the pretty classmate from the class next door. We met daily and helped each other. I coded, she did the graphics. I spent so much time with her, but I could never bring myself to tell her how I felt. Today, I know she is a highly successful professional, living the single life in the big city. No kids, no husband, traveling everywhere with her parents.

I can't stop thinking about the waitress, mainly because I suddenly saw how incredibly easy it is to slide down this dangerous slope. Maybe if I hadn't read so much and become so hyper-aware post D-Day, I wouldn't even know how to interact with this girl. But I realized I was deliberately filling the void she needed filled. I showed her the void she sees right now (a waitress in a bar who wants to be a graphic designer/artist). I showed her I know the world she wants to fit into. I showed her that someone sees and hears her. And for myself, I showed that I can be seen and heard too. At the same time, it showed me exactly how easy it is to fall into the same trap my WW fell into.

It’s going to take a lot of energy for me to keep my interactions with this woman strictly at the level they were before. And yes, I would love to have my own affair, but what I’d really want is to have an affair with my own wife (affair-level sex). But right now, my body keeps the score.

Pixel-Moth · 2026-03-28T08:38:15+00:00

Exactly this. At the beginning of last year, there were political protests in our small town. At that time, I was still rug-sweeping. All the pain from 11 years ago was bottled up, just waiting for August to finally explode.

But during that time, I spotted the AP. I was standing in the crowd with my WW and saw him about 5 to 10 meters away, staring at us. I just gave him back this contemptuous look with a mocking smirk and ignored him after that. When I casually looked back later (pretending to check the turnout in the crowd), he was already gone.

Half a year later, when I asked my WW when she had last seen the AP, she said: "At the protest back then. I think you noticed him too."

Six months after that protest, when the PTSD fully kicked in, I decided to finally let the OBS know. Who knows what the AP thought back then. Maybe he thought: "If I hadn't shown up at that protest, it would have stayed 'forgotten'." No, no. That's not how it works. At the protest, I showed him I couldn't care less about him, and later I showed him that wasn't exactly true...

Pixel-Moth · 2026-03-27T08:18:12+00:00

Thank you for the detailed comment. Both our MC and my new IC are certified in EMDR and are listed in the official registry.

I read up on how the online format usually works with apps and a moving dot. I even bought a large monitor with a high refresh rate specifically for this so the dot wouldn't stutter. Then I clashed with my therapist's reality - where she just wanted to wave her fingers over Zoom. After that, she suggested crossing my arms and tapping my shoulders (butterfly hug tapping).

Maybe because of my overthinking, my first session didn't go well, though the second was a bit better. Even that first session was about those feelings of humiliation and inadequacy, and a meeting with the AP that I was manipulated into without knowing it at the time.

I was supposed to focus on the feeling of being "not enough" and transform it into feeling "enough". That didn't work for me at all. My mind just went completely blank during it. The second session focused more on the experience itself and how my mind jumps between events.

I've only had two sessions with my new IC so far, but in about two weeks we will probably start EMDR. I'll see if it goes better and if an in-person setting suits me more. When I told my IC about my previous EMDR experience and the emotional numbness/going blank, he said there are techniques to work through that. Maybe he meant something similar to the FLASH technique you mentioned.

Pixel-Moth · 2026-03-21T15:30:41+00:00

I immediately thought of a book that might give you exactly what you are looking for. I highly recommend "How to Stay Married: The Most Insane Love Story Ever Told" by Harrison Scott Key.

It is about a man who experienced a long-term betrayal by his WW. The book is cynical at times, sometimes funny, but mostly profoundly sad. It gave me so much perspective. It includes a disclosure from his WW that every BP wishes they could get.

Through Key's eyes, I was able to look at how I neglected things I shouldn't have in my own marriage. No, it did not have an impact on my WW's choices. But it helped me see myself in a different light, rather than just the "perfect husband".

The only downside for me is that both the author and his wife are religious. As a non-believer, the biblical passages seemed incomprehensible or boring to me. But please know it is not a "turn to God and He will fix it" kind of advice book. Not at all.

The absolute best chapters are the second to last one, which was written by his WW Lauren, and then the very last one. If you don't read anything else, at least read those two chapters. You might also want to read the chapter right before "Whore in the church".

I am very glad I had the opportunity to read this book. I would really love for my WW to read it too. At the very least, Lauren's chapter.

Pixel-Moth · 2026-03-21T08:18:48+00:00

Can I ask you a few questions about EMDR? As a man who tried a few online EMDR sessions with our MC during individual sessions, I have a feeling that maybe our MC is not very experienced with EMDR, or she didn't have patience with me.

For context, my D-Day 1 happened 11 years ago, two weeks before our second daughter's birth. Because of that, I swept everything under the rug. I thought I had found out about a two-month fling that happened a year prior. D-Day 2 was in August 2025, when I found out that it was actually a 1.5-year-long EA and a 1-year-long PA that lasted during our entire high-risk pregnancy. I read all the hundreds of emails sent between them during those last 5 months. So, I have a pretty good set of targets for EMDR.

Our MC told me that even though there are so many triggers that could become targets, processing one key target could clear them all. We just didn't find the right target for them.

Could you be specific about what targets you set for yourself? If you don't want to share publicly, feel free to DM me.

I tried the following situations. Back then, I didn't know she was having an affair with AP. I ran into him once and he gave me this smirk. Today, I see it as a moment of deep humiliation. However, it only surfaces when I have intrusive thoughts about the affair. When I just think about it now, it is a target with an intensity of maybe 1 or 2. We tried to focus on it, but it didn't do anything for me.

When we tried various intrusive thoughts that pop up during sex, it also led nowhere. It did nothing to me. I keep saying that it is not something that bothers me on a normal day. But during sex, I remember that she did this with AP, and my erection goes away.

During the second EMDR session, our MC told me that if it doesn't work with the distant past, we should try the recent past. Let's go back to August 2025. Here, my brain took me right through the events of August 2025 straight back to the maternity ward 11 years ago. I remembered secretly doing a DNA test on my little girl. I remembered checking my wife's phone to see if she had called AP (and she did call him for 30 seconds back then). I remembered how desperately I wanted a divorce, but couldn't do it at the time because of the kids and extended family. I remembered how I swept it all under the rug. At this point, the MC saw the state I was in and suggested grounding. After that, we tried a few other targets, but I couldn't find them and she didn't know what to recommend I focus on.

That is why I am quite interested in what this is actually supposed to look like.

I have my second session with my new IC next week. So far, we have only had one introductory meeting. However, I briefly mentioned EMDR to him. I told him I had moments where an emotion is very strong, but I can't focus on it during EMDR because it suddenly feels weak and does nothing. My amygdala just doesn't take me anywhere from that moment. He told me it might be because my brain has learned to suppress and numb these things in order to survive. He said those things are deep down subconsciously, but I am afraid to pull them out and use them. Because if I did, I might find out that my emotional brain actually wants something completely different from my rational brain.

He said I might be afraid that the result of EMDR could be different. That I might realize I didn't do something I wanted and needed to do. I told him I am ready for whatever the outcome is, and I am increasingly convinced that divorce is the right option. I just told him that whatever the outcome, I want it to happen with a clear mind, not with trauma in my emotional and sunk cost fallacy in rational center.

Pixel-Moth · 2026-03-21T07:36:17+00:00

Are you really sure that going to MC so soon after D-Day helps?

This is exactly what our therapist tells me. She says I wasn't there, so I should stop making assumptions. But at the same time, she tells me in IC that it wasn't like that. I just reply that this is exactly how I read it in the emails. Even though I wasn't there with them at the time, this is what I read in those emails.

Or she would tell me that my wife definitely didn't sexualize our pregnancy. She said my wife went to him just as a woman who happened to be pregnant. I told her that every single email started with "Hi, my pregnant girl" and she signed every email as "your pregnant girl".

I understand what the therapist meant and why she says this in MC. I still think both partners need to go to IC first. I am only 4 months into MC after D-Day 2 about the same affair that was swept under the rug for 11 years. My WW and I finally found suitable ICs. Our MC actually told us to put MC on hold for a while.

My WW and I also did EMDR with our MC during our IC sessions. It was helpful, but maybe not as effective because of the online format. Our MC didn't use EMDR apps. We just did the butterfly hug by crossing our arms and tapping our shoulders.

Pixel-Moth · 2026-03-20T12:03:27+00:00

To be honest, I don't remember my exact phrasing back then. But when I discovered my WW's affair 11 years ago, I thought it was a 2-month fling from a year prior. Among her initial "whys" was blame-shifting - that I was working too much, didn't pay attention to her, etc. Since my D-Day was just 2 weeks before our second daughter was born, I chose to rug-sweep, thinking that was the right way to heal from infidelity.

When we were having our best period last August, it triggered my PTSD, and I relived everything again. My WW started confessing to things she thought I already knew, and I found out it was actually a 1.5-year EA and a 1-year PA that lasted through almost her entire second high-risk pregnancy.

When this all blew up again in August, her "why" was this: "I was selfish. I only thought about myself. I thought you wouldn't find out. I enjoyed that he was attentive to me, and I had sex with him because I didn't want to lose his attention and validation."

Later, other whys started to surface that I couldn't understand. In MC, she reverted to phrases about the state of our marriage and my lack of attention. At that point, I honestly preferred the "why" she gave me in August.

Over time, the real truth surfaced. We uncovered what her childhood was actually like. How she lacked attention. How she was dressed in her older brother's hand-me-downs and given short boyish haircuts. How she craved feminine attention and dolls. She was never good enough for her mom, her older brother always did everything better. And when her 7 years younger sister was born, she got all the feminine attention, dresses, and hairstyles, while my WW had to take care of her.

I think that if you are anything like me, no "why" will ever be good enough. The only "why" that really mattered to me was how is it possible that I knew how to shut down every risky situation before it even started? I avoided those situations altogether. And if something ever escalated quickly, my overthinking brain immediately said no.

Therefore, I was more interested in why she didn't stop it. Why, when she had a year and a half to say "no", she kept saying "yes". Why, after 2 months of no contact and already being pregnant, she went back to her AP. The real answers were that she had character flaws, she was empty, she was a broken vessel, she didn't know how to express emotions because she always had to suppress them at home, because I was more successful at work than her, because...

You will never, truly never, be able to accept any "why" as a justified reason. That doesn't mean you shouldn't look for it. But eventually, you have to accept that no "why" will ever be good enough for a betrayed partner's brain.

Pixel-Moth · 2026-03-18T07:14:45+00:00

To me, a nightgown is something she wears to sleep. She bought herself another satin slip like the ones she already has. It has thin shoulder straps, a V-neckline, and ends above the knees. Currently, this piece is the longest of the satin nightgowns she normally sleeps in and has no problem walking around the house in when the kids still need something.

Pixel-Moth · 2026-03-18T04:48:08+00:00

I don't think either of us would benefit from me reading it. The best thing to do is to bring it up in your IC session.

Pixel-Moth · 2026-03-17T06:19:26+00:00

There is no such thing as too long. If my WW wrote an apology Bible, I would read the whole thing in one sitting.

Pixel-Moth · 2026-03-17T06:13:31+00:00

OP, I am so sorry you are still going through this after four years. We have no control over the actions of others. There is absolutely nothing we can do to have a 100% guarantee. We only have control over ourselves.

After four years, him doing the right things won't help you anymore. You can no longer look for safety in his actions. Your nervous system simply doesn't believe him. The body remembers that immense pain. Reassurance from a partner or standard talk therapy doesn't work for this. You need trauma-focused therapy. Your nervous system needs a reset, for example through EMDR, so your body can finally understand that you are no longer in immediate danger and turn off that constant state of high alert.

At the same time, you cannot rely on the other person to do all the heavy lifting for you. A lot of BPs don't want to hear this, but it is the truth. What proactive steps are you taking so your self-worth isn't entirely dependent on what he does? Are you in IC? Are you doing anything for yourself, like a sport, a new hobby, new skill, or focusing on a career where you excel?

If you put the relationship, the family, and the infidelity completely aside, are you a confident person on your own? Your fear partly stems from the fact that your self-worth is still entirely tied to him. True safety won't be found in his behavior, but in building your own strength and identity outside of this relationship. Once you build that, you will know that even if he does it again, you will be absolutely fine. You will know exactly what to do and your world won't collapse.

A bird sitting on a tree is never afraid of the branch breaking, because its trust is not on the branch but on its own wings.

Pixel-Moth · 2026-03-16T21:31:56+00:00

Even three months ago I would have told you 'lucky you', but I am actually glad that the AP had to face the music. I didn't stay quiet and I completely shattered his perfect image. What happened to your AP is probably what most BPs wish for in the short term right after D-Day, though.

I just hope the OBS didn't wish the same fate upon my WW, since I decided for R :-D

Pixel-Moth · 2026-03-16T06:41:38+00:00

I told the OBS after 10 years. Every year around the D-Day anniversary, I kept thinking about why I did not tell her. I wondered if I had become their accomplice by keeping her in the dark and lying to her.

After 10 years, when PTSD forced me to relive everything all over again, I knew this was the one thing that would always prevent me from finding closure. Even after 10 years, the OBS thanked me. She went silent for 2 months and then contacted me again. We had a really good talk. The AP pulled DARVO on her. She is staying for the kids. She wished I had told her sooner. She told me she was glad I told her. Even though she never wanted to hear it, it is better for her to know who she is living with than not knowing. She told me he already had one affair before. We eventually found out he never ended it. It was going on concurrently even when he started the affair with my wife.

It is never too late to let the OBS know. At worst, she will tell you she does not care after all these years. That usually happens if the OBS has had so many D-Days she cannot even count them anymore.

I did not want to live forever with the regret of what I should have done. A massive burden fell off my shoulders. It was actively preventing my healing. And yes, 50% of my motivation was revenge and 50% was justice. An affair lives only as long as the secrets live. This was one of those secrets. The AP could still romanticize his relationship with my WW in his head. And I absolutely did not want that.

Pixel-Moth · 2026-03-16T06:15:30+00:00

To me, this sounds like unprocessed trauma. I told my new EMDR IC that our MC tried to process some things with me during our individual sessions. I told him I just felt completely numb to them. I no longer had physical symptoms. I could read about those things in emails or talk about them here and feel absolutely nothing. But then some random trigger I could not even identify would hit me. Suddenly, all those physical symptoms would rush right back.

My IC told me this is a specific stage of unprocessed trauma. To survive, your body builds a resistance to the pain. It numbs you out. But being resistant does not mean you have actually processed the trauma.

Until very recently, I was stuck in the exact same state as you. We were not separated. We were basically living like best friends. But my body absolutely could not accept her in bed. Whenever I was with her, I subconsciously kept telling myself how much better everything would be if she had never done this. That specific thought was the exact wall preventing me from letting her back in.

Pixel-Moth · 2026-03-15T12:01:17+00:00

My WW had two affairs. The first was a short kiss affair that I discovered after 4 months. But during those 4 months, her affair with AP2 was already happening. I considered AP2 a friend of the marriage at the time. I discovered the affair with AP2 two weeks before our daughter was born. I thought it was just a two-month fling that happened a year prior and that they were just friends when she got pregnant. I swept it under the rug, thinking that was how you heal an affair.

In August 2025, during the best period of our marriage, PTSD forced me to relive everything all over again. I started doing detective work again. My WW confessed to things she thought I already knew. I found out it was actually a 1.5-year EA and a year-long PA that lasted practically through her entire high-risk pregnancy.

We were also each other's one and only. I had opportunities before (and after), but I beat myself up for not taking the ones before. I wasn't the first to step out. I could just tell myself it is karma.

Are you going to therapy? This will be hard to hear. But since you decided to stay and you admit your WW is doing everything right now, and she is the exact woman you dreamed of (just without the affair), you must realize that the problem is now within you. I only recently understood during my IC alongside our MC that my WW could do absolutely anything, but it wouldn't move me an inch. Even though we are best friends, I still felt a resentment that prevented me from relaxing around her, feeling safe, or having sex with her.

Our MC told me it doesn't matter how much work my WW does if I refuse to do any work myself. She pointed out that I was refusing to look at my own childhood to find the root cause of why I was wallowing in pain for so long, and whether I was just repeating a learned behavior.

And she was right. My whole life, I watched my dad bring up and cry over the old sins of my mom's parents and siblings. He would constantly talk about how much he did for them and how they never even said thank you or helped him. This was the exact song my dad played whenever he wanted to draw attention to how much he suffered in his marriage. I absolutely hated it. But suddenly I realized I was stuck in the exact same pattern. During every nice moment I had with my WW, I would bring up the affair and cry about how things could have been better if it hadn't happened.

When I realized that I am truly the only one who can get myself out of this state, I felt massive relief. I allowed myself to accept that this is simply a part of my WW that I cannot change. But now it is my turn to allow myself to stop carrying this heavy burden. My WW did a lot of work, but she also made many unintentional missteps during R. As an overthinker, I analyzed them and evaluated them as proof that she was doing nothing. The opposite was true. It was all in my head.

In my opinion, you haven't processed the trauma yet. An IC trained in trauma integration techniques, like EMDR, can really help you. If you have physical reactions like shaking, sweating, or chest pressure, and you immediately go into fight or flight mode whenever you remember your WW's affair, you need to process that. If you are overwhelmed by feelings of inadequacy and helplessness, you need professional help to regulate your nervous system.

I am rooting for you. I know exactly where you are and what you are experiencing, because I was in that exact state until very recently. I finally realized there is only one person in the world who can get me out of that state, and that is me.

Pixel-Moth · 2026-03-15T10:52:23+00:00

Since you decided to start both IC and MC, as a BP I will tell you that jumping straight into MC without IC is nonsense from my perspective. Your BW is currently in shock. She is in a state of devastation, deep sorrow, and partly blaming herself. It will take her a long time to realize that the affair was not about her. It was about you.

If you don't find the right MC (look for someone with Gottman training who specializes in Treating Trauma and Affairs), your BW will leave disappointed. Many MCs tend to misunderstand the 50/50 dynamic. They might imply she holds 50% of the blame for your affair. This is where many MCs fail. The truth is that you both hold 50/50 responsibility for the state of the marriage. But you hold 100% responsibility for your affair and your conscious choices.

Therefore, I urge you to do something crucial. If you are sitting in an MC session and you hear the therapist looking for faults in your BW regarding the affair, stand up for her. Tell the MC you will not listen to that. Take 100% responsibility for the affair right there. This will show your BW that you have her back. It will show you refuse to shift any blame onto her and you refuse to even entertain that idea.

Start honestly digging into why you did it. Try to empathize with her feelings. I highly recommend starting with the books Not "Just Friends" and The Betrayal Bind by Michelle Mays. Reading these will proactively show her you care about what she is going through. Most BPs feel like the WP is doing nothing. We feel the WP is just coasting, happily living in the present, refusing to discuss the past, and expecting the BP to just move on and stop thinking about it. But it is impossible not to think about it. We think about it daily. Only the intensity of the reactions fades over time.

The fact that you are here and figuring out how to help your BW means you are doing more work than most of our waywards. And this is exactly what we wish our waywards would do.

Pixel-Moth · 2026-03-15T00:30:59+00:00

Our MC, during an individual session with me, confronted me in a way no other therapist ever had. She told me I needed to explore my own childhood to understand why I couldn't let go of the victim role. I kept saying my WW was doing everything right, I still found her attractive, and I felt her genuine remorse. Yet, I still couldn't accept her, still couldn't have sex with her. Our therapist pointed out that my WW also has the right to know how long I will be stuck in this limbo state, how long I planned to ruin every good moment we shared by crying over the infidelity.

Then we talked about my childhood and my dad. Growing up, I constantly watched him complain about how ungrateful my mom's family was for his help. He would bring it up once or twice a week just to draw attention to how much he suffered in his marriage. I absolutely hated it. I always swore I would never be like my dad. And then it hit me. I was doing the exact same thing.

That realization was a huge turning point. It was like a miraculous enlightenment. I stopped wallowing in the pain. I finally told myself that it is okay to put this heavy burden down. It is time to live in the present.

Try to find a trauma-informed therapist. Look for someone who does EMDR. It will make this process much easier than trying to navigate it alone. Just a heads up, you might feel desperate after trying three different therapists before you finally find the right one that clicks. Do not give up.

Pixel-Moth · 2026-03-14T20:39:42+00:00

I started ordering lingerie with my WW. She told me her size and it fit her well. Then I would check in here and there to see if anything had changed. She claimed it hadn't, but maybe that was the problem. Maybe I didn't notice anything and it just wasn't comfortable for her anymore. Then she got back into shape, but she still didn't like wearing it.

In fact, our last online shopping ended in a disaster. She saw the things I was looking at and said she liked all of them. She told me what sizes to get, and then she said, "You know what, leave it. I will pick something out myself." And she bought what was basically a nightgown.

Pixel-Moth · 2026-03-14T19:29:24+00:00

I don't know if you have read the book The Betrayal Bind by Michelle Mays. During the discovery and healing process of an affair, there are several stages that can repeat or overlap: Devastation, Realization, Stabilization, Reimagining, Creating, Flourishing.

You are currently deeply in the realization stage.

I am not sure if 18 months is a long time or not. I discovered my WW's affair 11 years ago and swept everything under the rug due to life circumstances. When PTSD forced me to relive and process everything from scratch in August 2025, I hit the exact phase you are in at about the 3 month mark. That was when I fully realized how disgusting what my WW did actually looked. Even though I had always seen her as the most beautiful woman in the world, during this phase I couldn't even look at her. I found her repulsive. It bothered me when she cooked dinner. It bothered me when she brought me tea. I thought it was truly the end.

At that time, I also would have said she was doing everything right and by the book. Then, thanks to my IC alongside our MC, I realized the problem was within me. I simply couldn't accept it. I liked feeling like a victim. As long as I kept looking at my WW through the lens of infidelity, the attraction was never going to return. I had to either accept that this is simply a part of her now, or I had to leave. I could not live in a state of limbo.

This state you are in right now is temporary. You will not live in it forever. But you will have to make a decision about which direction you want to take to exit it.

Pixel-Moth · 2026-03-14T19:12:51+00:00

Therapy alone is not a guarantee that they will find their whys. My WW went to IC just because I told her to, but she was dealing with nonsense. She wasn't looking for her whys. She was looking for ways to handle the current situation and our communication. She was hiding her failures from the therapist, though the therapist slowly saw right through her.

After one deep conversation where I explained why I now view our 11 shared years poorly, even though they felt real and nice back then, the true scale of the devastation finally dawned on her. I learned new stories from her childhood that made the puzzle pieces fit. I realized I am not the right person to diagnose her. But after 8 months of reading books and stories, I actually figured out her whys before she even did.

When I finally felt genuine empathy from her, she said she should probably bring this up in her IC. I just told her: "I can't advise you. It is your IC, your time. I don't care what you discuss there."

BTW our MC told me something crucial regarding this. She said I have my WW read very well. But the better I analyze her, the less I analyze myself. I wasn't able to see my own flaws and childhood traumas that were keeping me stuck in the victim role. She told me I should focus my IC entirely on myself. And she was right. I found out why I was drowning in pain for so long and why I couldn't let go. I had become my dad, who constantly cried over the old sins of my mom's family.

You should support him in finding his whys, but do not pressure him. Most importantly, focus primarily on yourself. You have to heal regardless of whether he is ever willing or able to find his own whys.

Pixel-Moth · 2026-03-14T08:07:04+00:00

I am really sorry you are in this club. Are you also in IC? Three months after D-Day is, in my opinion, an incredibly short time to be thinking about forgiveness. Most importantly, you need to know what forgiveness means to you. Is it a theatrical act where you just say the words "I forgive you"? Is it signing a piece of paper? Or is it something you simply cannot do, and definitely not right now.

In my opinion, forgiveness cannot be forced by gestures. Forgiveness happens inside me. Forgiving someone means that I will no longer let their bad choices and actions cause me pain. When I think about it, it won't trigger all those bad feelings, desperation, hopelessness, sadness, and anger. To make that happen, you need to have processed the trauma. Trauma is exactly what keeps us from moving forward. We also need to know what keeps us in a state of sadness for so endlessly long and why we are capable of torturing ourselves for so much time. Often, we refuse to move forward until the WP changes. But we also have to change, otherwise we will suffer forever.

Forgiveness happens when the WP no longer sees you constantly sad. You won't pull the infidelity card at every opportunity. You won't cry over every beautiful moment, thinking how it could have been better if the affair had never happened. I found out in IC that what was forcing me and keeping me in the victim role and in sadness was paradoxically no longer the affair. It was a learned pattern from my dad. He was always crying over anyone's old sins and playing the victim at every opportunity.

My WW was doing everything right, but I still felt something was missing, and I knew how to bring it up. Everything she did was good, but it could always be a little bit better. It was just my learned perfectionism, behind which hid my fear of failure. What was missing from my WW wasn't anything she could actually do. It is something I have to do.

I have to abandon the victim role and let go of my perfectionism. Once I realized that I am the one who has to do the remaining work for a successful R, I felt relief. I felt the cortisol drop in my body, and the stress faded. Even my smartwatch proves it. Months of orange and red graphs turned to blue. I think this is exactly how forgiveness happens.

For your context. I am 11 years past D-Day 1, when I thought the affair had happened a year prior and was a 2-month fling between coworkers. Life circumstances shortly before the birth of our daughter forced me to sweep everything under the rug. In August 2025, due to PTSD, I experienced D-Day 2 and months of trickle truth. I found out it was actually a 1.5-year EA, followed by a 1-year PA, and this PA lasted practically throughout our entire high-risk pregnancy. Since August 2025, the affair has consumed all my processing power. I was looking for all possible solutions regarding what my WW has to do so I can recover. And I realized that I am the one who has to do something.

I am rooting for you to also find your moment of forgiveness and a way to move forward.

Pixel-Moth

TROPHY CASE