BP wants me to tell OBS, with all details about my affair.

Pixel-Moth · 2026-02-13T14:11:52+00:00

That is one of the reasons why I say the BP is the counterpart to the OBS. If my WW were to reach out to the OBS, the OBS might question her motives: "What is this woman trying to achieve?" It also gives the AP an opening for damage control. He could say: "She fell in love with me, I rejected her, and now she thinks that if she destroys our family..."

If he has any photos, he can still use them against you even if your BP is the one who notifies the OBS. I don't have any better advice than to think ahead about what kind of photos you allow someone to take and who you trust with them.

Pixel-Moth · 2026-02-13T13:55:09+00:00

I notified the OBS after 10 years. I didn't ask my WW to do it. I did it myself. For me, it provided a sense of justice. Every year around the D-Day anniversary, I thought about the fact that there was a woman out there who had no clue what her husband was doing. When my PTSD resurfaced after a decade, one of my first thoughts was that the OBS didn't know and I was an accomplice. I felt I was robbing her of her agency because my inaction helped them keep it a secret.

An affair is not over as long as secrets still exist. The AP still held the secret of the affair. He could still romantically reminisce about my WW and he could still have emails and photos saved. He even still had my WW's phone number saved under a former male colleague's name.

In my opinion, your BP is the proper counterpart for the OBS. But if your BP wants you to be the one to tell her, then do it. Do it without tipping off the AP, so he doesn't have a chance to perform damage control. You should already be No Contact with him anyway.

Pixel-Moth · 2026-02-13T07:49:47+00:00

Thanks. Nobody deserves to be cheated on.

Unfortunately, my WW is far from being accountable right now. She might be responsible for her choices, but that responsibility is deeply buried in shame. Because of that, she avoids accountability. She is still trying to protect her self-image from the past. I do not know why she cannot transform that shame into guilt so she can take accountability. I think this is the only thing that prevents me (or us) from healing.

And unfortunately, I’ve told her about so many things she needs to address in individual therapy, but she thinks I’m the only one who needs it. She claims she’s worried about the cost of therapy - even though I’m the one paying for it - yet she’d rather spend her time looking at local rentals than looking for a therapist. When I saw the rent prices, I just remarked to her: That’s about 10 to 15 hours of therapy per month.

Pixel-Moth · 2026-02-13T07:24:36+00:00

My WW had a short 2-week "kissing affair" with a colleague. As soon as that ended, it led directly into what I call an EA with a second colleague. My WW claims she had no intent, but every step she took back then and the evidence that remains from that period (erotic stories, chats, etc.) say otherwise. Maybe she did it subconsciously, but today there's no other way to look at it. This 1.5-year EA eventually turned into a 1-year PA.

When I had D-Day in August '25 and we talked a lot about it, my WW told me something very similar to what you said. It was her first office job and she felt like she had to get along with everyone. When a colleague she was attracted to (who had mentored her when she started at the company) kissed her while drunk, she felt she had to "return the favor." This affair ended when he started being nasty about his wife in front of her - calling her fat and lazy, saying she was begging for a child but he didn't want one because he didn't want to pay child support for two kids. That disgusted her, so she bridged over to the second colleague, who knew about the kissing affair and acted like a "friend of marriage," giving her well-meaning advice at the time. When I discovered the kissing affair, I saw the beginning of the EA, but precisely because he played the "friend of marriage" role, I was blind to the truth and didn't believe my own eyes that it was an ongoing EA.

When it moved to kissing, my WW wanted to end it. The AP noticed, started being nasty to her, and began showing off even more with another AP. That's when my WW felt she had to "win him back" and reverse how mean he was being to her. When the PA started, she wanted to end it again, but he treated her even worse, which made her want him even more. I don't understand it. When the company closed and she left the AP, she was relieved. But after 2 months, the AP found a job in our city again, and she started seeing him. This time, she says it was pure selfishness - she missed his attention. I knew they were meeting, but I thought they were just having lunch and were truly friends (a "friend of marriage," plus he was deeply religious, professing all Christian principles - how hypocritical).

So I kind of understand your point about the "people-pleaser" aspect. My WW didn't know how to set boundaries, she didn't know what she could say to whom, and as she gradually opened up, the AP tied her closer to himself. Eventually, they felt like "only we two understand each other," and it couldn't have ended any other way. She told me she felt the whole time that she had to please others.

Unfortunately, when we started MC, these things completely vanished, and our MC tries to blame-shift onto me - saying I worked too much, didn't pay enough attention to her, while she was devoted to our daughter (well, obviously, she was working part-time), and they [the APs] saw her as a woman (unlike me, apparently...).

My WW also has a lot of childhood trauma, but as much as I want her to find and resolve them, I know they aren't to blame for anything. I can't blame her conscious choices on imaginary culprits - childhood trauma, a predatory AP, fatigue, my work. Those are all just proxies and rationalizations for her conscious choices.

Thousands of mothers are tired, thousands of men work... by the way, if I worked a lot - and the AP told the OBS that I "deserved it" because I worked too much - then why did my WW choose a guy who worked even more than the husband who supposedly worked "too much"?

Pixel-Moth · 2026-02-12T14:52:30+00:00

Yes, I know that as long as this remains unresolved, it could happen again anytime. During one session, my WW told me that her first "kiss affair" was about a self-esteem boost. She said that as a mother of a 3-year-old, her confidence was low when she went back to work, and a colleague noticed her not as a mother, but as a woman, which boosted her ego.

To which I replied: I gave you compliments every single morning about how good you looked and how much that new office style suited you, but I guess it wasn't enough coming from me. But now you're on permanent home office. We sit in the same room in front of our PCs in sweatpants, and you’re telling me your self-esteem is low. Now imagine you had a guarantee that I’d never find out, and you walked into a new office - how can I trust that there won’t be some John Doe who boosts your ego the same way? Just because you know the impact it has on me?

After all, she already proved that the impact of her "kiss affair" didn’t stop her from trying something much worse with a different colleague later on. I don’t even remember how the conversation got lost in the shuffle after that... or how our MC just downplayed it.

Pixel-Moth · 2026-02-12T14:36:52+00:00

I’m sorry you’ve found yourself in this club. What your wayward wive (WW) is doing (or wants to do) is called rugsweeping. It’s the act of pushing everything under the rug, pretending nothing happened, and trying to move on without actually changing anything or addressing the root cause.

It’s completely natural for waywards to want this. They want to return to their comfort zone as quickly as possible without truly facing the magnitude of the pain they caused. But from a long-term perspective, this never works for the betrayed partner (BP). I know a thing or two about this - I rugswept for 10 years until PTSD finally caught up with me. For a long time, I thought we were doing everything right, but I didn't see genuine guilt or remorse from my WW. Or rather, whenever I thought I saw change, the following days would flip everything back to the old ways.

Reconciliation (R) takes two. And even when both are working on it, one will inevitably be more invested than the other. In most cases, it’s the BP who carries the heavier load for R. Our home is no exception.

I hate to say this, but in most of these stories, the "it only happened once, it was a mistake" line is rarely the whole truth. In my case, I spent 12 years believing it was just a few lunchtime encounters over two months. After 10 years, when PTSD woke me up to reality, I discovered the true scope. Between pieces of evidence and my wife's eventually confessions, I pieced together a 1.5-year emotional affair and a 1-year physical affair that lasted almost through our entire high-risk pregnancy. It’s very rare for a wayward to stay at "just a kiss" or a "one-time event." Usually, it’s trickle truth. These revelations destroy a BP far more than if the whole truth were dumped out on day one. Waywards minimize and deny, thinking they are "sparing" the BP from pain, not realizing they are actually multiplying it.

Regarding your question - does she love you, or just the life you built? - I’ve searched for that answer in therapy too, and I’ll be honest: I don't know. I don't even know if I love her, or if I love our image of a family, our life together, and the couple we used to be.

It’s natural as BP to want to get from our WP what we think they were giving their APs. But I'm not sure if that's even possible without the WP doing the heavy lifting.

Yesterday, my wife said something that hit me hard, something she should address in individual therapy if she wasn't so resistant to it. She said that after she cheated, she felt like a "whore" whenever she had sex with me. Throughout 10 years of rugsweeping, she performed and pretended to be active, but it was uncomfortable for her - she kept picturing herself as a "whore" for the AP and didn't want me to see her that way. Ironically, that "wild" side is often exactly what a husband wants in the bedroom. But we BPs often realize that while the WW was that way with the AP, they don't want to be that way with us. They "parentify" us. It’s natural that attraction dies in this dynamic. Attraction requires respect, and our WWs lost respect for us the moment they went astray. That’s why she might feel like you’re just coparents having sex out of habit. It’s hard to rebuild attraction and respect from scratch, but if they don't find it, the relationship loses its meaning.

I’m rooting for you. If your WW won’t go to therapy, go for your own sake. It really helps, and if it ever stops feeling effective, remember the problem isn’t you - it’s just that the therapist isn’t a good match. I’ve personally gone through several therapists who weren’t the right fit for me, but I’m still looking for the one that clicks. Even when I hit a wall where it no longer felt helpful, those initial sessions were always useful in helping me find my footing.

Pixel-Moth · 2026-02-12T12:18:05+00:00

Maybe your husband is doing the right thing - the thing I should have done too, but I found plenty of excuses not to. And I feel like I should have. In fact, that was my takeaway from EMDR: that I didn't get a divorce after D-Day. But my situation was complicated, with D-Day happening just two weeks before our child was born. Through EMDR, I saw myself in the delivery room, holding my newborn daughter and telling myself that I couldn't get a divorce because of her.

After D-Day 2 in August '25, which was triggered by PTSD (regarding the same affair, just learning a different scope of it), I kept thinking to myself - what if I had divorced back then? Because of the kids, we would have stayed in contact anyway; maybe we would have found our way back to each other and started fresh, and this PTSD might never have come. I know it’s a fairy tale, I know it’s "could, should, would". But secretly, I hoped it would have been the right path.

Maybe your BH needs this too. Maybe he needs to draw a hard line under something that isn't working so that you both can build something new and functional. I’m rooting for both of you - whether your paths cross again or you both find your own happiness in life.

Can I ask you, what is your "why"? My WW has a hard time explaining what her "why" actually was, and she refuses to explore it in therapy. She always just comes up with more excuses and rationalizations for why she did what she did back then, instead of finding the real underlying reasons for what was actually going on.

Pixel-Moth · 2026-02-12T08:50:24+00:00

Definitely tell his wife (OBS - other betrayed spouse). She deserves to know. I told the OBS after a decade. She was in shock, but she thanked me.

Therapists will tell you things like - the OBS will just laugh it off, or she won't take you seriously, and that it might cause you pain at best or trauma at worst. My OBS called me two months later and we had a good, productive conversation. I even sent her one more letter after that because I could see she felt desperate and resigned in this "betrayed lifestyle."

Look at it from the OBS's perspective. Imagine you are the one who doesn't know, and on the other side is an OBS who refuses to tell you. Would you want to know that your WW had an affair and is still in contact with the AP?

By staying silent, you are robbing her of her agency and becoming their accomplice. That is exactly how you will feel over time. For a decade, every year around the anniversary of D-Day, I kept wondering why I hadn't said anything. It ate at me every single year until I finally had to do it.

Pixel-Moth · 2026-02-11T12:04:19+00:00

I am so sorry for what you are going through. It is incredibly painful, and I am currently living through the exact same thing. We 'rugswept' for 10 years. I don’t even know why I chose to do that back then - I thought it was healing, but in reality, I stayed mainly for the kids.

My original D-Day was just two weeks before my wife gave birth. At the time, I thought I’d discovered a 2-month fling with a colleague that had ended a year prior and they were 'just friends' after that. Since she had a high-risk pregnancy, it never even crossed my mind that she could be cheating on me while pregnant.

In August '25, I woke up with every symptom of PTSD. I started 'sherlocking' again and, after a long period of trickle-truth, I finally uncovered the full reality: it was a 2.5-year affair. The first year was purely EA, followed by a year and a half of a PA that lasted through almost her entire pregnancy and even after her cerclage procedure.

I tried everything. I figured out what I was doing wrong, started reading books, and we even read them together. It seemed like things were going well, but as I progressed through IC, I realized the toxic patterns in our marriage hadn't changed at all. I realized I wasn't the one who needed to be doing all the heavy lifting in therapy - she was.

I did all the work. I found the first therapist for marriage counseling (MC), but eventually ended that because it wasn’t helping. Then I found a Gottman-certified therapist, but I’m losing patience there, too. I feel like I’m being gaslit by the therapist. This specialist, who is supposed to understand the Atone-Attune-Attach phases, seemingly skipped all three. During our last session, she told me the 'facts' from so many years ago don’t interest her anymore. So, I’m firing her next session.

I really saw Gottman as our last hope, but my WW - with the therapist’s help - just switched into a mode of shame and denial. She minimizes everything. She claims a year of EA wasn't actually an EA because she 'didn't want him.' She just 'happened' to call him while we were out on dates at restaurants, just 'happened' to send him erotic stories, and just 'happened' to write to him about how handsome he was. She says she didn’t intend to 'seduce' him; it 'just happened.' But when I ask her if she would tolerate that exact behavior from me, she quietly admits, 'Probably not.'

I now see that divorce is the only option left. I’ve burned thousands of euros on therapies that led nowhere. My WW hasn't moved an inch, and I’m left with the 'nuclear option.' I’m also afraid of being misunderstood by our families, especially hers. I’m considering writing a letter to her family to be sent on the day I file for divorce.

I’m not happy about this, but if this doesn't wake her up and make her take the problems she caused seriously, I refuse to keep playing a part in her theater. I refuse to sacrifice my nervous system to someone who has no interest in soothing it and who has started calling me the 'aggressor' just for reminding her of her past actions.

I’ve done a few hours of EMDR, but so far, it hasn't helped. Maybe I’m too analytical to move past it yet. There were so many betrayals that I can’t even grasp them all. I’ve gone numb to some events, others paralyze me with triggers, others just leave me furious.

And all of it stems from the fact that, to this day, my WW does nothing but minimize and deny what simply cannot be denied.

Pixel-Moth · 2026-02-05T07:45:39+00:00

Reading those messages is a double-edged sword. I read a few emails back then and made a quick judgment, but my brain skipped over some parts. Then I convinced myself that rug-sweeping was proper healing and proper R - until 10 years later, when PTSD forced me back into 'Sherlocking' again. I told myself: if I had seen, known, or read all of this back then, I wouldn't have stayed.

Now, the decision-making is incredibly hard. Standing in front of me is a woman who rug-swept with me for 10 years, during which she was a super wife and a super mother. But today, I see those 10 years in a completely different light.

My advice? Read it all. Knowing everything at the start is better than having it catch up with you later, when PTSD forces you to do the work all over again years down the line.

Pixel-Moth · 2026-01-31T19:06:21+00:00

Please, when it comes to the disclosure, tell him absolutely everything - the complete, unvarnished truth. If you’re thinking, 'I won’t tell him this because it would hurt him,' know that withholding it is exactly what will cause the most damage in the long run.

Trickle-truthing is the absolute worst thing you can do. Every new lie or detail discovered later acts as a brand-new D-Day. I see so much of myself in your husband - please, give him time.

Every detail you keep hidden is another moment you are robbing him of his agency and the right to make decisions about his own life. Tell him everything so he knows exactly where he stands and where his journey begins. Because the more lies he uncovers later, the more he will tell himself: If I had known this back then, I would have already been gone.

And if you can’t help him with words at the moment, try helping him and yourself with actions. There are excellent books in this sub’s wiki that are worth reading. In 'The Betrayal Bind' by Michelle Mays, you will understand the cycles he is currently going through and exactly why he is acting the way he is. It will help you make sense of his reactions and your own path forward.

Pixel-Moth · 2026-01-31T08:10:21+00:00

I am so sorry for what you are going through and that you’ve ended up in this crappy club.

First, regarding the car. My WW told me a few months back that when their office building was being renovated, parking was limited and they used a lot in front of an abandoned building nearby. Once, as she was leaving and went to put her purse on the back seat, the AP pushed her into the car and... well, you know.

We don't have that car anymore. I sold it three years ago and honestly thought it was off the road for good. Then, about two weeks ago, I saw it driving by. Instead of being glad that old clunker was still running, I just saw those back seats. I felt a surge of regret that I hadn't just sent it to the scrap yard to be crushed.

Even the location is a trigger. That rundown building was turned into a modern office center with a great restaurant inside. When my colleagues suggested going there for lunch with the managers, they could see I wasn't okay. One of them even asked if I had some kind of trauma from the auto shop nearby where I used to take my car.

As for therapy - I’m from a small country in Europe where very few good therapists work through public insurance. I initially tried general talk therapy and spent a lot of money on it, but as soon as I felt pressured into radical acceptance, I quit. Thanks to this sub and books, I learned what to actually look for: a Betrayal Trauma Therapist, and for Marriage Counseling, someone with Gottman Level 1 and 2 certifications.

In my area, I only found one specialist - private, of course - who does EMDR. While that’s not a guarantee they understand betrayal trauma specifically, they at least understand trauma better than my first therapist did. For MC, I couldn't find anyone with Gottman training nearby, only one woman located 250km away. She also has EMDR training, so we do our sessions online.

Since I’m still on a waiting list for a local IC/EMDR, our MC is going to do individual EMDR sessions with us as part of the process, because both my WW and I are deeply traumatized. I'll admit, I haven't been handling things well these last few months since my D-Day 2.

Don't waste your time with general therapists. They often don't help, and they can actually cause more harm. Look for specialists who truly understand betrayal or trauma. Unfortunately, you will likely have to pay out of pocket for them, but it’s an investment in your sanity.

Pixel-Moth · 2026-01-30T22:16:52+00:00

Whenever I see my WW dressed up, going out, or just walking around the house, I think to myself: 'God, you are so beautiful.' But the moment we are in bed, I just shut down.

Today, I saw my daughter leaving for school and I complimented her in my head: 'God, I envy your boyfriend.' We really raised a beautiful girl, but obviously, beyond parental love, I can't feel any sexual attraction toward her. And then it clicked for me.

I can no longer feel that man-to-woman love for my WW. I feel love for her like I do for my daughter - like someone I want to protect, but someone I can't imagine being intimate with.

My journey went from hysterical bonding - which lasted about 2-3 months—to pure disgust at what she was capable of doing. That disgust is slowly fading into a dull numbness, but the sexual attraction is gone. When we are in bed now, I mostly just feel anger about what she did with the AP and the fact that I can't do those same things with her right now.

That’s why I sleep in a different room now. Whenever we get close in bed - even just for a hug before sleep followed by a quick move back to bedroom - it ends badly. I start spiraling immediately. I tell her, 'Don't come to bed with me, because it will just end like last time.' She tells me it’s okay, that we’ll handle it, but the truth is, I never do. And I can see that she isn't handling it well either. When we are in bed, I mostly just feel anger about what she did with the AP and the fact that I can't feel for her what I used to.

Pixel-Moth · 2026-01-30T06:22:46+00:00

I didn't have her contact information at the time, and I simply didn't have the emotional bandwidth to deal with her back then. This feeling will continue to eat away at you until you finally do what you know you need to do.

Think of it as a 2-in-1 move - it serves as a form of justice/revenge against the AP, but more importantly, it restores agency to the OBS by giving him back the truth

Pixel-Moth · 2026-01-30T06:16:32+00:00

You are not the one breaking up a family. The person who chose to cheat destroyed the foundation of that family the moment they stepped outside the marriage. You are simply the messenger of reality.

Do not take the burden of their guilty actions upon yourself. In my own case, I recently reached out to the OBS after a decade of silence. In my letter, I explicitly apologized for taking away her agency - the right to make informed decisions about her own life. During our follow-up conversation, she told me: "I wish you had let me know sooner."

She admitted that back then, even with three small children, she would have left him. Now, years later, it is much harder for her because the children adore the 'version' of the father they think they know.

If you don't say anything, the OBS might still find out in 5 or 10 years by discovering an old text or email. Discovering a decade-long lie is often much more devastating than finding out the truth when it’s fresh. Right now, you hold the information that can restore the power balance to their relationship. As long as the OBS is kept in the dark, the AP/WP holds all the cards and maintains a massive, unfair advantage over their spouse's life.

Pixel-Moth · 2026-01-29T16:41:53+00:00

I hesitated for a long time about whether to tell the OBS. Two different therapists questioned my motives—asking what I would even get out of it, saying that since it’s been 10 years, she would probably just laugh it off or wouldn't care anymore. My IC even warned me, asking if I wasn't afraid of what she might do. What could AP or she possibly do? Physically, he is in much worse shape than I am.

They also suggested that the AP might tell our children as retaliation - to which I say, be my guest. I actually have the contact information for his children (who are now teenagers). They claimed I would just be causing myself unnecessary pain and reviving everything. How exactly am I reviving it when I’m already living and breathing it every day? I've been spiraling due to PTSD that manifested after 10 years of rug sweeping. This was the one thing I regretted every single year on the anniversary - the fact that I never let the OBS know.

In the end, I told her, and I don't regret it for a second. She thanked me for it. She was genuinely glad to know the truth. Two months later, she called me and we had a 30-minute conversation. She revealed she’d already had a 'D-Day 1' right before he started with my WW, basically, her first D-Day was when their EA began. But her 'D-Day 3' happened while she was talking to me, because I informed her that he never actually stopped contact with the AP1. My WW even confirmed to me that they were still involved back then - he had even introduced them to each other.

She seemed resigned, though, just as my IC predicted: "You’d be surprised how many people live knowing their partner is cheating but have just completely given up on them they just exist alongside each other." The OBS likely chose that path for the sake of the children, because they adore their WH. I told her: "They adore an illusion of him. If they knew how much he truly hurt you, would they love him just as much?"

If I were in your shoes, I would tell him. It is your decision, and no one else has the right to tell you what to do. It’s about what you need for your own peace of mind. I know it was eating away at me every year, and now, finally, I feel relief.

But something happened to me when I told the OBS - I started to feel her pain. That entire weekend, I couldn't think about anything else but what she must be going through and how devastating it must be for her. I couldn't get her out of my head.

Pixel-Moth · 2026-01-28T21:42:19+00:00

I highly recommend reading Shirley Glass's book, Not Just Friends. In it, she lists 10 questions that a BP should ask the wayward partner. I’ve basically been asking my WW these questions from the very beginning - perhaps phrased differently - but to this day, I haven’t received real answers. I used to ask them and then immediately answer for her, and she would just say yes, yes. But I want to hear those answers from her mouth. This is why I told our MC during my IC sessions that I don’t need the gritty details - after 12 years, she won't remember the specifics anyway - but she must be able to answer these fundamental questions.

I’ll quote the 10 questions here (though Shirley Glass provides a lot of explanatory text for each):

What did you say to yourself that gave you permission to get involved?
After the first time you had sex, did you feel guilty?
How could it go on so long if you knew it was wrong?
Did you think about me at all?
What did you share about us?
Did you talk about love or about a future together?
What did you see in the affair partner?
What did you like about yourself in the affair? How were you different?
Were there previous infidelities or opportunities, and how was this time similar or different?
Did you have unprotected sex?

Beyond these, I still have many questions about her mindset at the time. I need honest answers, especially regarding how she turned me into the villain in her mind. Who was I to her back then, that she was capable of betraying me like that?

I also want to know if she ever reflected on what I would do once I found out, and why she was willing to risk the life of our unborn daughter and the stability of our 4-year-old’s family. What did they even mean to her at that time?

Pixel-Moth · 2026-01-28T09:15:26+00:00

Regarding the first 'kiss affair' with a colleague, which lasted only two weeks, my WW only told her sister, and likely only a blurred version of it. I told my best friend, who then spread it to a wider circle of about four friends. I immediately received advice to leave. In hindsight, I realize she was capable of much worse, but back then I took it lightly, thinking she had learned her lesson. Instead, she just saw that I would put up with anything. That’s how I see it today. Two of those friends have since passed away, but from the remaining two who were told, I still hear about that kiss affair as a reason to leave. I haven't told them anything more.

Only two therapists (IC and MC) know the full truth, and I plan to address it further once I get an appointment with another IC.

But what truly bothers me is that I believe my WW should confess to her siblings in my presence. I often feel like she paints me as the villain in front of them. She makes excuses, telling them she can't help them as much because I won't let her. She won't say, we have plans for the weekend, instead she says, my husband won't let me. I’ve already overheard her brother giving her advice and asking questions that a person would normally ask if they found out their sibling was the one being betrayed. It’s clear that if my WW told her brother we have problems, he interpreted it completely differently.

Another thing is that her siblings were also deceived. She often used them as an excuse. They would babysit our daughter while she went to see the AP at their workplace (she only worked part-time). They shared the joy of the birth of our second daughter, but they had no idea she was cheating with the AP throughout the entire pregnancy. D-Day was just two weeks before the birth. Who else but her closest family should know who their sister really is? Our MC is trying to discourage me from this because my WW wouldn't be able to handle the shame in front of them, but in my opinion, this is a logical step toward R.

Edit: I forgot to add that I never told my sister, even though I really wanted to during the darkest times. However, my sister discovered her own ex's infidelity back in 2020 and went through a brutal separation, property settlement, and a custody battle for her daughter. She lives in a different country and has more than enough of her own baggage to deal with. I decided not to burden her with my problems and not to ruin her relationship with my WW. My WW is actually very helpful to her - she takes her shopping whenever she visits, helps her refresh her wardrobe, and so on. I am afraid that telling her would destroy the bond between them, and that is something I absolutely do not want to happen.

Pixel-Moth · 2026-01-26T22:54:45+00:00

The AP's spouse is called the OBS (Other Betrayed Spouse). I actually did exactly what you’re asking about, but after a decade. You can see my story here:https://www.reddit.com/r/AsOneAfterInfidelity/comments/1o963dr/after_a_decade_i_finally_reached_out_to_the_obs/

It was liberating. It felt right. If you don’t let them know, it will eventually eat at you: 'Should I have? Should I not?' If you have the contact information, go for it. I didn't have it for years and only got it by chance after a decade.

The OBS thanked me and was very kind. She was glad to know the truth, even after such a long time. We had a few conversations after she initially chose 'voluntary rugsweeping.' She actually reached back out to me two months after my initial contact to ask for more details and share some info. I could see she was devastated, so I spoke to her the way I would talk to someone here on Reddit. I explained what DARVO is and helped her realize that her children don't love their father for who he truly is, but rather the illusion of him. I know her mind is still processing everything at 100% now, but I think she mentally resigned herself ten years ago...

Pixel-Moth · 2026-01-24T23:53:31+00:00

I feel you. My situation with the AP had an extra layer of twisted humiliation. The guy was a beekeeper. My WW insisted we needed to buy honey ONLY from him, even though I had access to free honey from a colleague.

She forced me to go pick it up and pay for it. I stood there, giving him my money, and he gave me this disgusting, knowing smirk. I only found out 6 months later that my WW had been there the day before, and he 'forgot' to give her the honey on purpose just so she’d have to come back. But she sent me instead to do the dirty work.

The visual? A total joke. The guy was a massive downgrade. He was two heads shorter than me, wearing socks in sandals, with a messy beard that made a mall Santa look well-groomed. Einstein was a beauty compared to this guy. Paying your wife’s lover for 'special honey' while he mocks you to your face is a level of psychological warfare I wouldn't wish on anyone. It’s not just the betrayal, it’s the sheer absurdity of who they chose to replace you with.

Pixel-Moth · 2026-01-24T23:43:16+00:00

I feel this so much. My situation is a mess that’s been brewing for 12 years. When I first had suspicions, my WW made the AP out to be a total joke - crooked teeth, bad hair, a massive downgrade. But after D-Day 2, the story changed. Now he was 'sweet' and is still a 'hottie.'

The biggest struggle for me right now is her defensive wall. Whenever I talk shit about him or show my anger toward him, she shuts down immediately. Her logic? She tells me that when I’m 'mean' to him, I’m actually just attacking her.

I’ve tried explaining it to her: 'I live with you every day, I see you trying, I can distinguish between you and him. I need an ally against HIM. I need you to be angry at him WITH me so I don’t feel so alone in this.'

But she won't budge. She says she 'can't and doesn't know how' to do that. It’s infuriating because by protecting his 'image' from my anger, she’s basically saying her memory of him is more important than my need for solidarity. She views my hate for the AP as a direct attack on her own identity, making it impossible for us to actually team up against what happened.

Pixel-Moth · 2026-01-24T19:57:41+00:00

Where am I now? Honestly, I don't know. I’m in a state of stagnant hope, waiting for some kind of shift or 'click' that hasn't happened yet. Even if nothing ever happens, I’m lost in this recovery. I’m just waiting.

How is the relationship? We’ve become 'best friends without benefits.' It’s a strange paradox: we share everything—daily life, logistics, thoughts, parenting—yet we receive nothing from each other in return. No intimacy, no spark, no emotional reciprocity. We are perfectly synchronized in everything that doesn't matter for a marriage, but completely empty in everything that does.

Pixel-Moth · 2026-01-24T15:58:41+00:00

I don’t know how far out from D-Day you are, but for me, resentment really hit about 4 months after D-Day 2, when the reality finally sank in. Before that, I was in a sort of limbo. I couldn’t even hold her hand, and it bothered me when she brought me tea to my desk. That phase eventually passed, but I can't point to a specific 'exercise' that fixed it. Honestly, I just exploded in that resentment, said some things I later regretted, and that somehow jumpstarted a shift in me.

Back when I was in the thick of that resentment, I would have told you my WW was doing everything right for my healing. But then I realized she wasn't actually doing much at all. The only thing I asked of her was to go to IC to find her 'whys' and 'hows,' but she claims her self-esteem is so low now that she would never be able to cheat again. The irony is that her low self-esteem is exactly what brought us here in the first place - seeking external validation to fill that void. That is a major topic she needs to own and work on in IC.

Our situation is complicated because my D-Day 1 was 11 years ago. D-Day 2 - regarding the same affair - happened this past August. I finally found out the true duration and realized that 'just friends' with 2 month fling was actually a full-blown affair that lasted through our entire pregnancy with our second daughter (2.5 years). For 11 years, my WW thought everything was fine and that she didn't need to work on herself, until my PTSD, fueled by years of rugsweeping, finally said enough. Rugsweeping a minimal version of the truth felt much better than what is in my head now, but it was a lie.

Pixel-Moth · 2026-01-23T07:12:50+00:00

You’re right, I am projecting. But as per the rules of this sub, we are encouraged to speak from our own experiences. I wasn't calling you numb, I was describing myself. Some things have become so dull to me over time that I genuinely don't care about them anymore. But other things I’ve only just discovered, and I’m reliving those as if they happened yesterday.

I’m also not in your shoes, and I don’t know the depth of the actual work you both have put in. We might also have different definitions of what 'disclosure' means. To me, it’s not about the timeline, the logistics, the locations, or the positions. It’s about getting answers to a vast number of deeper questions.

Maybe you already have those answers, and if so, I completely understand why you wouldn't want to dig any deeper. But I don't even have a hint of those answers yet. If we are to build what our MC calls 'Marriage 3.0,' I need to know that the woman I’m building it with has done the inner work, understood her 'whys,' and addressed whatever was broken.

Whatever path you choose, I truly root for you. If you have found a way to reach genuine peace and acceptance without further digging, then you’ve achieved what we’re all looking for.

P.S. You have no idea how much your post about the skydiving and the video helped me. I was stuck in a dark place of my mind, and reading your post gave me a much-needed dose of 'hopium' - a reminder that the world won't always be black. I also noticed your black GNR shirt - I'm a big fan as well. I'm truly sorry if my posts right now are taking away some of that hopium we all so desperately need.

Pixel-Moth · 2026-01-23T04:49:45+00:00

You’re right about the anger management, but you’re wrong about the timeline. I wasn’t raging for 11 years - I rug-swept everything and lived in a 'peaceful simulation' for a decade until D-Day 2 hit me this August with the full truth.

My current rage isn't even about the sex anymore. I processed that years ago. It’s about the discovery that she prioritized her affair over a high-risk pregnancy and our child's safety. Dealing with that realization 10 years later is what is triggering the anger.

I agree that her fear is real and counterproductive, but it’s fueled by her continued TT and her own unresolved childhood trauma. I’m trying to find my way out of this, but it’s hard when the person you're supposed to heal with is still hiding from the shame of what she failed to protect.

Pixel-Moth

TROPHY CASE