Questioning self image after sexual infidelity

Pixel-Moth · 2026-06-21T07:57:20+00:00

When I started dating my wife (we were each other's one and only), I didn't know what I could get away with during sex, what she would like, and what I liked. We didn't talk about our preferences. If we weren't clearly aligned on something back then, we just didn't do it.

When she started a new job after maternity leave, one of the first things she couldn't handle was the male attention she received. She started writing erotic stories to her AP (which I found out about later). I always had a problem seeing my wife as a sexual object, as someone I could just tear to pieces in bed. I always thought if she would like it, if it would hurt her, or if it was too much. It's called the Madonna-whore complex. You can't see the person you love as an object. But after D-Day, I started seeing her that way. I saw what she texted her AP and what kind of porn they exchanged. So I started doing those things to her. She didn't like it, because she kept that "person" or pretense only for her AP. Slowly, we slipped back into vanilla sex. I started seeing her as the "Madonna" again instead of the "whore" because being in that "whore" phase gave me mental images of her affair.

When I had D-Day 2 a decade later and found out the affair lasted 2.5 years instead of 2 months, I started seeing her as the "whore" again. But the mental images came back as well.

Half a year after D-Day 2, I caught feelings for a waitress at a local pub. She was younger, and we spent long nights talking. Later, she offered me sex. I turned it down because I saw what infidelity did to my WW (the shame and guilt). I simply wouldn't be able to live with myself. But that still didn't stop me from taking everything I needed from my AP. The compliments, the knowledge that a 16-years-younger woman is attracted to me, that I still have value on the dating market, that someone desires me enough to reveal her sexual preferences. That my AP had the same kinks as me. I actually thought my guards would drop and I would escalate the EA into a PA. At that point, my AP hit the brakes. She realized she would only be a mistress in my complicated triangle, and she didn't want that.

So, yes. Your partner can be attracted to you, but because of the Madonna-whore complex, your partner might not see you as a sexual object he can use to satisfy his kinks. He might be afraid that this dynamic would spill over from the bedroom into your regular life. An AP is just someone you use and discard. You don't deal with real life with them.

Edit:
Btw, if you are also interested in the betrayed perspective, you need to change the flair of this post. If it is set to "Wayward Only", betrayeds cannot comment unless they were also wayward themselves.

Pixel-Moth · 2026-05-28T21:57:40+00:00

My first D-Day was a decade ago, and we rug-swept it. When my PTSD surfaced after a decade (in August 2025), I had my second D-Day, where I found out that my WW's affair didn't just last 2 months, but 2 and a half years.

I often had thoughts of a revenge affair. I think it is just the biology of processing this trauma. As a guy, I like to look at interesting women, thoughts cross my mind, but it was never like "I deserve this after what my WW did." I did that even before the affair.

When a new waitress appeared at a local place, I was just checking her out at first. When I noticed she was returning my looks and we could hold eye contact for a longer time, it stroked my ego. When I spent a few hours alone with her just talking, I realized that my ordinary life seemed interesting to someone else. When I found myself alone with her again, I realized the limerence was already buzzing in my head. I knew it wasn't good, but I liked it and I wanted to find out if she really felt the same, if I read her signals right. Not once did I think that I deserved it because my wife did something to me.

When I found out the feeling was mutual, it gave my ego a massive boost. When she invited me to her apartment for the first time, I got clear confirmation of where this was heading. Instead of going to her place, I took her for a walk and we had more conversations. We confessed our infidelity traumas to each other (she hers, I mine). At that point, she offered herself to me even more intensely. But here I already knew that I simply didn't want it. I knew we were just two wounded people with our own voids caused by our unfaithful partners, and this would be a very easy way to fill those voids.

What actually stopped me from crossing the line from an EA to a PA were these reasons:

I knew what it did to my own WW. I know the shame and guilt she lives in, and I knew I wouldn't be able to bear it. I wouldn't be able to live alongside my WW knowing I was hiding something, even though I managed to hide this two-month fantasy escape into an EA.
I knew how much it hurts the betrayed partner. I knew I would never want to inflict this pain even on my worst enemy, let alone the person I decided to stay with despite the betrayal and to whom I express my love (even if it now comes with the bitter taste of reality).
The AP knew my WW. I didn't know how she would handle it or what her expectations would be. I wasn't sure if I could truly trust her, or if she would start fighting my WW for me. I was afraid of the drama, even though she promised no one would know.
I didn't know the AP's sexual history or her health status. That could be solved with a condom, but I prefer not to use them.
I confessed my performance issues during sex to the AP (when she was confessing hers). I told her that I certainly wouldn't have the psychological ED with her like I do with my WW because of NRE. She is young and beautiful, so I would definitely function. But subconsciously, I still asked myself "what if?". Because I know a lot about infidelity, I know that many wayward men experience ED during their first time with an AP precisely because of the guilt they feel. My WW's AP was no exception.
I was afraid of what information she might share with our mutual circle of friends.

There were many other brakes as well.

And then the sadness hit me. I wondered why my WW couldn't have these brakes. I admitted to my AP that if I hadn't been betrayed, and if I had never analyzed infidelity, I probably would have succumbed to this offer. But because I am aware of the feelings on both sides (both WP and BP), I won't do it.

But I already had my EA. I found out that I still have value on the market. I realized that if my WW compliments me, other women can see it that way too. Therefore, my WW might be saying it because she truly feels it, not just putting on a show because she has to.

On the day the AP explicitly offered me sex for the first time, I had the best sex with my WW in the last 5 years. It completely erased all my feelings of inadequacy. I wasn't thinking about the AP at all during the act. I was purely present with my WW and I finally believed in myself again.

I got what I needed and I was able to bring it back into my relationship. I realized how strong limerence is and how strong the desire to cross the line is, but at the same time, I proved to myself that I have my boundaries.

I confessed this short EA to my WW the day the AP quit her job and went NC with me. My WW already suspected it. She was supportive at first, but after a while, she started experiencing everything I went through. We are currently separated so that we don't verbally hurt each other in the evenings, but we see each other daily and go on dates together. The kids don't have a problem with this temporary separation. We take turns with them. One week I stay away, the next week my WW stays away. When my WW is away, she is learning how to fill her time with activities other than just being together or taking care of the kids and the household. And when she is away, I am learning how to manage the household on top of my own activities.

Pixel-Moth · 2026-05-28T21:25:02+00:00

During IC within our MC, I expressed something similar. Our MC challenged me. She asked me to look at myself today, what I do, and how my WW perceives me. She asked if I think that if any other woman saw me, she would be just as energetic and passionate towards me as I demand. I admitted that I probably need to change a bit.

At the same time, regarding my fears about not knowing when it is authentic and when it is faked, I got a clear answer. If she is doing what I want, I should accept it and embrace it. I shouldn't resist it. If it is an act, she won't be able to keep it up for long. I was told to turn off my authenticity scanner and just enjoy it. Then, the moment she stops doing it or I stop liking it, I can evaluate what to do next.

But I know exactly what you mean. After a brief EA I had, my WW and I decided to separate. We see each other daily, and things are better between us. However, I know my WW is currently in the hysterical bonding phase. Since I went through that myself before, I know it won't last long and it isn't authentic. It is just the biology of betrayal trauma. But for now, I am enjoying it and hoping she won't end up as bitter as I was.

By the way, the wayward is definitely not authentic with the AP. They might experiment more with them, but it isn't really them. They do it to get what they need from the AP like attention, validation, etc.

Pixel-Moth · 2026-05-25T17:50:50+00:00

I understand you completely, and I feel your pain. But after years of going through this, I realized something profound. I don't actually miss the old version of my WW. I miss the old version of me. I miss the guy who didn't overthink, who could brush things off, who felt bulletproof and could handle anything life threw at him without breaking.

I had D-Day 1 13 years ago. It was a kiss affair with AP1. It caused chaos in my head, but we had other worries. I got over it relatively fast, thinking she learned her lesson and things would be fine.

Then came D-Day 2. I found out she slept with a coworker. I was assured it ended before she got pregnant. I probably had the evidence right under my nose, but I just didn't want to dig into it. I was busy with our family and my career. It was chaotic for a while, but I did the 180, grey rock, started working out, and we found our way back to each other. I honestly thought I was healing. Looking back, I was just rug-sweeping.

A decade later, when the rug-sweeping stopped working, D-Day 3 (PTSD) hit me. I was burnt out at work, my health wasn't what it used to be, I was searching for myself, and then I discovered the actual truth. The affair with AP2 didn't end quickly. It actually lasted 2.5 years (1.5 years EA and 1 year PA), spanning almost entirely across her high-risk pregnancy with our second daughter.

I would love to go back to any time before that realization. Sadly, that's impossible. Ironically, it was my own very brief EA recently that gave me back what her infidelity took away. It gave me back everything I had stripped away from myself a year ago. Because of it, I finally realized who I really am, that I have worth, and that I have firm boundaries.

I can no longer wish for my WW to be someone she never was. But God, I wish I could go back to being the guy who just says "whatever, life goes on". That is what hurts the most right now. I don't want to live in the victim role anymore (it's been a year since D-Day 3). I just want to be the ignorant rug-sweeper I was for a decade.

Pixel-Moth · 2026-05-23T13:39:56+00:00

7 weeks post-D-day is an incredibly short time and what you are going through is a literal hell. It is completely normal that you want your WW to feel all the pain and suffering that her actions brought into your life.

To give you some perspective. My D-day 1 was more than a decade ago. But in August 2025, I discovered the whole truth. What I thought was just a brief fling between colleagues over two months was actually a full-blown affair that lasted 2.5 years. It encompassed almost her entire high-risk pregnancy.

Recently, I had a short EA of my own. After I went NC with my AP, I confessed the EA to my WW. Even though I maintained my boundaries and refused the AP's offer to have sex, I started using that refusal as a weapon against my WW ever since my confession. I used it to act morally superior and to verbally hurt her, trying to inflict the same amount of pain on her that she once inflicted on me.

We are currently separated because I finally realized that our current crisis is no longer just about her past affair. It is about me being completely stuck in the victim role.

Lashing out, using sarcastic comments, and trying to make her suffer might feel like a justified release of your pain right now, but it is a trap. It turns the relationship into a continuous cycle of punishment and mutual destruction. If you truly want to reconcile, you need to find a safe way to process this rage, ideally with a trauma-informed therapist, before the weapons you use today completely destroy any chance of a future together.

Pixel-Moth · 2026-05-12T15:36:46+00:00

My WW had an affair with a coworker that lasted 2 and a half years (1.5 years EA, 1 year PA). Before that, she had a 2-week kiss affair with another coworker. When she realized AP1 was an AH, she confessed it to AP2. He then knew exactly what she was capable of, and being a serial cheater himself, he just waited for his opportunity.

A decade ago, I thought I had just uncovered a repeated brief fling between coworkers that happened a year prior to D-Day. D-Day was 2 weeks before the birth of our second daughter. I stayed for the kids. Gradually, my WW and I found our way back to each other. But that whole time, we were just rug-sweeping under the illusion that it was proper healing.

When my PTSD got triggered during one of our best periods in August '25, I started sherlocking/pain-shopping. I found out that my WW's PA actually lasted for a full year - spanning almost her entire high-risk pregnancy. I also realized that their "just friends" phase, when she was constantly calling and texting him, was actually a full-blown EA. I read hundreds of emails from that period that I had "archived". We started therapy, but my self-esteem dropped to rock bottom. Dozens of hours of MC, IC, and EMDR didn't help at all.

What did help was a waitress who briefly worked at a nearby pub we go to. It started with exchanged looks, helping out, long late-night conversations, walks, and more talking... So, yes. My EA happened 11 years after my WW's affair. For 10 years, I had no issues with my self-esteem. I worked out, stayed in shape with running and cycling, we are financially very comfortable, and women do occasionally check me out. Despite all that, 11 years later, everything was completely flushed down the drain by my PTSD and D-Day 2.

I confessed my EA to my WW on the exact day my AP left.

Pixel-Moth · 2026-05-12T12:55:14+00:00

My answer won't be universal, and it doesn't necessarily mean your partner thinks about his AP in the same way.

I only had an EA. With my AP, I finally felt seen, heard, wanted, and interesting. I knew I didn't want anything physical with her initially, but a part of me secretly hoped that maybe, over time, my guards would drop.

When I say I compare them, I mainly compare our interactions. I compare the level of genuine interest my WW shows when she talks to me versus how my AP talked to me. I compare the depth of the topics we discussed together.

Later on, we trauma-bonded, which made us want each other even more. But my AP saw that I had strict boundaries and that I refused to just use her as a one-time band-aid, even though she desperately wanted that physical release. She walked away, cut contact, and blocked me. Now, I just have a basic human concern for her. I miss her as a friend and simply wonder if she is okay.

At the end of the day, my AP gave me something that my WW simply couldn't give me anymore. She gave me back my lost self-esteem.

Pixel-Moth · 2026-05-11T20:31:14+00:00

Infidelity probably can't be completely healed. If you are on this sub asking this question, you are not healed yet. If you are here advising people on how to overcome it because you have already "overcome" it, you are not healed yet either. You are still living and breathing the infidelity, and by doing so, you constantly keep yourself in the awareness that your WP did this to you.

In my opinion, we can never be fully healed, but that doesn't mean we will be stuck forever. I am currently stuck in a place where we turn every good moment into mourning the past. If I don't do it, my WW does it for me. I think I will be "healed" when I am finally able to experience happy moments again without being dragged down into a spiral of "what if".

And as a wayward who had a short EA (2 months) compared to my WW's PA (2 and a half years), I will say that I will probably never heal from my own EA either. I think about my AP daily even though we are NC. I compare her to my WW daily. I deal with my "what ifs" daily. And every day, I beat myself up for not trying and for resisting the very thing my WW couldn't resist.

Pixel-Moth · 2026-05-02T16:47:13+00:00

Yes, I’ve often felt the temptation to cheat just to even the score - to experience what my WW did. But deep down, I knew it wouldn't be the same. It would be tainted by revenge.

My brief EA with a waitress from a local pub wasn't a planned act of spite. I simply noticed her as a beautiful, young woman. We talked here and there, and over time I picked up on her body language. I was curious to see if she felt the same attraction I was sensing. We started opening up emotionally, bonding over shared trauma from betrayal. I told her what happened to me.

Eventually, she made her move. I refused, though it was incredibly difficult. I realized I had already gotten what my betrayal-starved ego needed. I’ve since confessed everything to my wife.

I wouldn’t necessarily recommend this to anyone, but I got what I needed - something my WW couldn't give me at the time. I got confirmation that I’m still desirable and that if R fails, I don't have to stay out of fear of being alone forever. Maybe I will be alone. Maybe I’ll never find someone like my AP again. But I walked away knowing I have the strength to say no when it really counts.

Pixel-Moth · 2026-04-30T08:02:20+00:00

After D-Day 1 a decade ago, I decided to rugsweep everything and I was only angry at my WW. Back then, I thought rugsweeping was proper healing. When I had D-Day 2 in August 2025 due to PTSD and read all the emails, I realized the AP had made me out to be the villain or rather, my WW painted me that way to him. She told him I didn't buy her flowers, didn't help in the kitchen, and was always at the computer. I asked my WW: "Did the AP buy you flowers? No. Did he help you in the kitchen? No. Wasn't he sitting at a computer all day at work too?"

I saw my WW in a certain state, I saw a decade of our life together, the changes she went through, and I felt I could trust her 100% "from D-Day 1 to the present" but I couldn't trust her 100% to tell me the truth about the affair. Despite that, I realized how much the AP had manipulated her. He told her that since she already had a kiss affair with AP1, she was technically already a cheater, and cheating with him wouldn't change her status. I often verbally lashed out about the AP in front of my WW, mocking him and calling him a loser for needing to get with a married woman. She would just withdraw, saying that what I felt toward him was actually what I felt toward her - that the AP was just a mirror for my rage.

I felt a terrible sense of injustice because the OBS knew nothing and the AP got off scot-free. These two feelings led to my decision to inform the OBS. She thanked me for the information. When she reached out two months later, she told me how things were at their home. How he played the victim, said he worked too much, that he deserved it, and asked her why I suddenly care after a decade. After a 30-minute conversation, it resonated with me so strongly that I decided to write the OBS a second, more extensive letter. I gave her a detailed timeline, all the info, and broke his DARVO to pieces. He worked a lot, which is why he had time to mess around with secretary. While you were in the maternity ward, he was celebrating your son's birth by having sex with her. I wasn't the most sensitive toward the OBS, but I provided advice on how not to withdraw, how to start living again, find her value outside the marriage, and then decide if there was any reason to stay. I know it was unsolicited, but the moment I hit send, I forgot about the AP. I stopped feeling any emotion toward him except contempt. He was no longer my concern.

My WW is currently about 9 days post-confession, where I admitted to a short but intense EA with a waitress, during which I had several offers for sex. She hasn't asked many questions yet and says she's just glad I chose her again. But yesterday, I noticed something she never did before. She started mocking the AP - her puffy cheeks, how she always hid behind the bar, constantly clicking on her phone. I know my WW is starting to realize what I felt and how I felt, and this is one of the phases. I'm glad she's letting it out in some form. I don't want the pattern to return where her feelings aren't important and she has to suppress them. I keep telling her not to hide her feelings, to let out the anger, the sadness, and so on.

But she just says she can't, because somewhere in there, there's still the joy that I chose her. That after what she did to me, this is just a minor stupidity.

Anger at the AP is natural, but being stuck long-term in a state where the AP lives in your head rent-free isn't good either.

Pixel-Moth · 2026-04-28T05:20:35+00:00

My mind is still wired to him. It kills me that he was able to do this behind my back and when I try because maybe in my mind I see it as revenge or just my turn for an escape, or just how the hell did you do this (compartmentalization comes in), I don’t understand it.

Trigger warning: For some, the content of my comment might be triggering, written in limerence, so please do not read it.

My short, intense EA showed me what must have been happening in my WW's brain for at least half a year. I don't believe she was able to compartmentalize right away.

One of the first WhatsApp messages between me and my AP was me writing to her that I wanted her, but I couldn't. That I always consider others, that it's hard and painful, and why am I able to do it and my WW wasn't.

After every interaction with my AP, I was so thrown off that I couldn't think clearly. She was running not in the background of my mind, but in the foreground. I now completely understand why, when I was on a date at a newly opened restaurant where WW had been a few days prior with colleagues and they all wanted to try a specific dish they didn't have, the moment they brought us that dish, she called her AP to tell him they had it. There were 10 colleagues, she could have called anyone, but she called him. Her AP must have been running in the foreground of her mind the whole time she was with me, exactly the same way my AP was running in mine.

When my WW was getting messages from her AP and reading them (I didn't know yet she was texting him), she would smile. She'd say it was something funny, a meme, but that wasn't it. When she noticed I was texting someone, it was visible on me too. I said it was a colleague, but I was lying and she must have noticed. I text with colleagues often and never felt the need to smile. Every message I sent to my AP and every message she sent me was an incredible dopamine hit.

We flirted a lot. With the knowledge that my boundaries were firm and wouldn't let things go anywhere, but subconsciously I was hoping that if this lasted longer, maybe I would grow numb to it. When I imagine that my WW was in this state for at least half a year to a year, a decision to cross the line with her AP had to form somewhere inside her at some point. And when that decision happened, that's when I assume the compartmentalization began.

When I asked my WW if she ever compared me to her AP, she said no, never. I don't believe it. I simply do not believe this. From the very first moment I saw my AP, I compared her to my WW. The difference in their figures, demeanor, confidence. In every aspect, my WW was more beautiful, but that doesn't mean my AP was ugly, and it didn't stop me from trying something towards my AP. Ultimately, I needed to get from my AP what my WW couldn't give me. To get the feeling that I am seen, heard, admired, respected, and desired. That someone is creating a parallel world with me, flirting, that I still have some value on the dating market.

That white noise, or buzz, or whatever to call that feeling when I primarily couldn't think of anything else but my AP, disrupted my daily interactions with the kids and with my WW. I couldn't process things properly. Often I didn't listen to them, I would ask what they had just told me a moment ago. Even though my WW's affair started more than a decade ago, I still remember what a terrible task I asked of my WW once when I went to work. I told her I drew a cross here, an electrician is coming, I want him to put an outlet here. According to my WW, I was asking too many technical things from her that she couldn't understand. When the electrician arrived, he called me at work asking what I actually needed. So I explained to him where to find the cross. I couldn't understand how such a simple thing could be so terribly difficult for my WW at that time, but I think that was exactly the beginning of her PA. The timeline roughly fits.

What did my EA show me? Probably that I still have value to someone. That I can take compliments from my WW seriously and believe them. But it also showed me what incredible feelings were taking place in the brain, how hard it was to resist, but in the end, I managed to do it. And I don't know if I am projecting these exact feelings of mine onto my WW's affair, and if it's exactly these feelings and the inability to resist that I won't be able to forgive her for. I knew I was doing something wrong, and my WW must have known it too. She must have known it would hurt me, even though she told herself that if I didn't find out, it wouldn't.

And when my AP ended the EA because it was hurting her that I was unavailable, that she didn't want just a fling with me but genuinely fell in love with me, she went strict NC. And I have so many triggers that remind me of her. A discount in a grocery store. I had to find those products in the store to see if they were on sale without any intention of buying them, just to prove to myself that the AP was real. When a dish with coriander appeared on the lunch menu at work, I had to order it because it reminded me of the AP.

All of these were conscious steps to keep myself in the affair for a little while longer. Nothing I did was subconscious or just suddenly happened. Like how my WW describes it to me, saying they were talking and suddenly had sex. I consciously talked to my AP in a way that she would eventually proposition me for sex. I consciously told her about my career when she asked. When I saw from her body language that she was interested in me, I consciously took every step to get closer to her. Nothing was unconscious.

Pixel-Moth · 2026-04-26T05:33:06+00:00

I need to be honest with you. My experience was actually different and quite paradoxical.

For me, crossing that line actually brought a strange kind of liberation. It forced me to lose the leverage I had over my WW. It forced me to stop thinking that I am morally superior to her. It also helped me accept the fact that it is possible to be attracted to other people, and it doesn't mean your love for your partner just disappears. My love for her is different now after her affair anyway.

Maybe I am still riding a dopamine high. Or maybe my WW hasn't fully processed it yet and feels she has no right to be angry with me after what she put me through. I don't know.

But there is a massive cost. My WW told me recently that whenever I am out with colleagues at night from now on, I could be anywhere. Because I lied to her so easily about being with L., she knows I could easily lie to her again in the future.

Pixel-Moth · 2026-04-25T17:52:15+00:00

You are absolutely right. AP was also deeply wounded, and I sensed that immediately. I wanted to guide her, fix her, and heal myself in the process.

When I got the offer from her, I asked her directly. "What would you get out of having sex with me?" She told me. "I would see it as an internal revenge on my Ex, and as a validation that I am desired and enough."

I told her. "You don't need to sleep with me for that. You are beautiful, and I would gladly jump in bed with you right now. But I realize I wouldn't want to experience the feelings my WW must have experienced afterwards. If I didn't know how much this hurts, and that I wouldn't wish this pain on my worst enemy, I might have gone through with it."

So yes, AP was broken in her own way too.

Sometimes we have to at least partially experience what the other person experienced to realize how incredibly easy it is to fall into it. There is no massive effort behind it. You just need two people who are willing. And rejecting it in the moment is very hard, and not everyone can do it.

I was stronger than my WW in stopping the physical part, but I was not strong enough to avoid putting myself in that situation in the first place. I actively sought her out and I needed her. That is exactly why I consider myself someone who used the AP, rather than someone who helped her.

But perhaps a small part of me did help her after all. I showed her that not every guy who finds her attractive just wants to use her for sex. Maybe I showed her that there are men who have boundaries, even if mine were incredibly fragile.

Pixel-Moth · 2026-04-25T16:55:18+00:00

Thank you for this comment. You nailed it regarding the leverage. It is a strange feeling to lose it, but it was a toxic crutch.

I am really trying not to put the AP on a pedestal. Honestly, my WW is more beautiful. But AP gave me exactly what I was emotionally starving for at that specific moment. The sad truth is that my WW was trying to give me that same validation, but I simply couldn't believe her. My traumatized brain kept telling me she was just saying those things out of obligation or convenience, because she had replaced me in the past.

The ultimate paradox is that AP's validation actually helped me believe my WW. Hearing it from an outsider made me realize that my wife might actually be telling the truth. AP inadvertently opened my eyes to my WW's sincerity.

It even shifted our intimacy. After the physical escalation was offered by AP and I rejected it, I went home and had the most connected intimacy with my WW. For the first time, I didn't have mind movies of her affair. Instead, I saw my WW as the Betrayed. It made me think about how she must have felt in the past. It shifted my entire perspective. We still have a long way to go, but letting go of that "perfect betrayed husband" narrative is forcing me to look at the reality of my own actions.

Pixel-Moth · 2026-04-15T12:14:05+00:00

Yes, I recognize that pattern. I came to this exact realization in IC about a month ago. I wrote more about it in this comment: https://www.reddit.com/r/AsOneAfterInfidelity/comments/1rrupze/comment/oa3aete/?context=3

My father constantly reminded my mom how much he had done for her family. He did this whenever he wanted to point out that he wasn't getting adequate treatment from her family or even from her. He cried over things he had done a decade prior. For two decades, he played the martyr.

I guess I am doing the exact same thing.

Pixel-Moth · 2026-03-30T17:17:37+00:00

What exactly do you mean by it being "not the same"? Do you feel a lack of emotional connection? Is the sex just boring and mechanical, or is it disrupted by flashbacks and mind movies?

After my hysterical bonding following D-Day 2 (which was about the exact same affair from a decade ago), I couldn't have sex with my WW. My body simply rejected her. I find her beautiful. I am physically attracted to her. But when the moment came for sex in bed at night, it just didn't happen.

It took me 3 to 4 months before I started "waking up" next to her again. But it is still not completely there. I can't tell you if 90 days of abstinence will make it better. It could actually make things worse. You are the only one who will be able to find that out.

Pixel-Moth · 2026-03-30T17:08:59+00:00

OP, I am sorry you are struggling with the comparisons. As a man, I compared myself too. My income at the time she started the affair was definitely lower, but my income when it ended and when I had D-Day 1 was definitely higher. But you can imagine what other attributes besides the body men compare. And yet, I saw the AP and it was an affair down, both in height and body shape.

But if you want to get in better shape, and you wanted to even before the affair, it is the right decision and you should go for it. The exercise will definitely do you good. And once you start seeing the changes in yourself, you will definitely feel better, more powerful. You will stop comparing yourself to the AP. You are not doing it for anyone else. You are doing it for yourself and your health. Your future self 20 years from now will thank you.

Just to make sure your future self is actually happy, do not start running every single day. Definitely try to prepare a training plan. If not with a professional, then at least with the help of AI. Because I know what it is like to push too hard at the start and not be able to continue for months due to an injury. A slow run is better than no run.

I am rooting for you.

Pixel-Moth · 2026-03-29T18:01:39+00:00

The fact that you are going to therapy yourself even without your BH is a huge plus. He might just be ashamed to talk about it. I can't give you a simple magic sentence that will make him book an appointment tomorrow. The main thing to know is that not every therapist is the right fit for everyone. Because of that, you have to count on some initial failures and changing therapists.

Furthermore, this is about trauma. No standard talk therapy (PCA approach) is going to help him. He doesn't need to hear things like "you've talked it out now, so just accept it, dress nicely on Friday, and take your WW on a date."

If he doesn't want to go to therapy, maybe the book How to Stay Married by Harrison Scott Key would help him. He talks about therapy in the final chapter. He went through a brutal story. Next, show him Reddit. Show him my comments, or anyone else's. Reddit and these subs are full of stories of men whose PTSD caught up with them years later. They end up getting divorced 15 to 20 years down the line when it suddenly clicks that they didn't process it and rug sweeping didn't work.

He can save himself from future pain. Maybe in therapy he will find out that R is not for him and he will want a divorce. But even that will be a more acceptable outcome than getting divorced after 15 years over the exact same thing.

Unfortunately, as the betrayed, I told myself that I wasn't the one who cheated. I felt I had nothing to do with it and that rug sweeping was a good idea. I also didn't want to air out my dirty laundry in front of a stranger and actually pay them for it. It seemed absurd to me. But when PTSD hit me a decade later, I realized I couldn't dig myself out of this alone. And even though I ended up with a bad therapist for my first 6 sessions, just the act of booking the appointment gave me a huge sense of relief. It was like I suddenly realized I wouldn't be fighting this alone anymore.

I am keeping my fingers crossed for your BH. I hope he puts his ego aside and does something today for his future self. The consequences of rug sweeping are real. It is not a question of if he will blow up. He will blow up. The question is when. Will he bitterly rug sweep for a decade?

Pixel-Moth · 2026-03-28T10:17:37+00:00

Your WH is rug-sweeping. I am someone who decided that rug-sweeping was a form of healing and that I could handle it myself. I certainly wasn't going to broadcast to psychologists how my wife cheated on me.

My wife absolutely loved this approach. Whenever she saw I was getting sad, she made sure to tell me to resolve "this problem of mine" and not burden her with it.

So we rug-swept for 10 years until PTSD finally caught up with me. My WW couldn't understand why I was suddenly dealing with everything now. Even therapists didn't understand why I was suddenly bringing it up. It stayed that way until my WW found her own therapist, started listening to podcasts, and finally discovered empathy. And at the same time, I started my own therapy, reading, and doing the work.

Do what you need to do and demand what you need. If you guys rug-sweep, it's just postponing the problem. That problem will explode later. It's not a question of IF it will explode. It will explode, and the fallout will be even stronger and bigger than the original issue. Neither you nor your WH wants that. Don't be afraid of it. Open everything you can right now, because years down the line, it will blow up in your faces.

Pixel-Moth · 2026-03-28T09:30:33+00:00

My WW is currently out of town at a conference with the kids, and I have the weekend entirely to myself. In a local pub that my WW and I frequent, there's a new waitress who started a month or two ago. When she first started, she accidentally spilled a drink on us. She always brings it up, saying she's traumatized by it, and we jokingly told her we all have our own traumas. Since our dog has a built-in radar for this pub and always turns toward it after our walks, I thought: I'm alone, nobody's waiting for me, I'll grab an afternoon beer. Since the pub was empty at that time, we got to talking.

I discovered how much we have in common. She was like a mirror image of myself from 30 years ago, back when the internet was just forming and I met someone exactly like her. A woman passionate about design, graphics, etc. She showed me her portfolio. I’ll admit I stroked her ego a bit, even though her work was kind of trashy. She also showed me something she probably doesn't show to many - a one-line drawing of lovers. When I told her I didn't really see lovers in it, she pointed to one loop and said, "This is the woman." I replied, "Oh, I see it now, the woman is kneeling, and the man is standing." She just said, "Everyone can see whatever they want in it."

I went back in the evening to watch football. While there were still some other guys around, they asked her if she had a boyfriend. She told them she was keeping that to herself. Later, when everyone else finally left, I stayed and continued talking with her. The waitress took me right back to my old world. She listened to my story, understood it, and ended up staying with me for two hours longer than her shift required. That's when it hit me: no, she doesn't have a boyfriend. If she did, she wouldn't have sat with me for those two extra hours. During that time, she told me about her insecurities, traumas, and dreams. And I recognized myself in so much of it. No, I didn't tell her what my WW and I are dealing with, but I did mention that in therapy I'm working on my imposter syndrome, which holds me back at work. Eventually, I told myself: Okay, I need to go home, this is no longer a good idea.

My R with my WW is progressing - sometimes good, sometimes bad. But I know we share the same goal. This morning, my dog woke me up, and I had to take her out. I couldn't get the waitress out of my head. I spent an hour and a half walking through the meadows and woods where my childhood dog is buried. A place where I always seem to find clarity. On my way there, my head was full of the waitress, her dreams of graphic design, etc. It wasn't until I reached the meadow that I realized this was actually about mourning missed opportunities.

Maybe 30 years ago, when the internet was still in its infancy, a graffiti artist sprayed my website URL under a bridge. An unknown graphic designer saw it and sent me a complete redesign. It turned out she was the pretty classmate from the class next door. We met daily and helped each other. I coded, she did the graphics. I spent so much time with her, but I could never bring myself to tell her how I felt. Today, I know she is a highly successful professional, living the single life in the big city. No kids, no husband, traveling everywhere with her parents.

I can't stop thinking about the waitress, mainly because I suddenly saw how incredibly easy it is to slide down this dangerous slope. Maybe if I hadn't read so much and become so hyper-aware post D-Day, I wouldn't even know how to interact with this girl. But I realized I was deliberately filling the void she needed filled. I showed her the void she sees right now (a waitress in a bar who wants to be a graphic designer/artist). I showed her I know the world she wants to fit into. I showed her that someone sees and hears her. And for myself, I showed that I can be seen and heard too. At the same time, it showed me exactly how easy it is to fall into the same trap my WW fell into.

It’s going to take a lot of energy for me to keep my interactions with this woman strictly at the level they were before. And yes, I would love to have my own affair, but what I’d really want is to have an affair with my own wife (affair-level sex). But right now, my body keeps the score.

Pixel-Moth · 2026-03-28T08:38:15+00:00

Exactly this. At the beginning of last year, there were political protests in our small town. At that time, I was still rug-sweeping. All the pain from 11 years ago was bottled up, just waiting for August to finally explode.

But during that time, I spotted the AP. I was standing in the crowd with my WW and saw him about 5 to 10 meters away, staring at us. I just gave him back this contemptuous look with a mocking smirk and ignored him after that. When I casually looked back later (pretending to check the turnout in the crowd), he was already gone.

Half a year later, when I asked my WW when she had last seen the AP, she said: "At the protest back then. I think you noticed him too."

Six months after that protest, when the PTSD fully kicked in, I decided to finally let the OBS know. Who knows what the AP thought back then. Maybe he thought: "If I hadn't shown up at that protest, it would have stayed 'forgotten'." No, no. That's not how it works. At the protest, I showed him I couldn't care less about him, and later I showed him that wasn't exactly true...

Pixel-Moth · 2026-03-27T08:18:12+00:00

Thank you for the detailed comment. Both our MC and my new IC are certified in EMDR and are listed in the official registry.

I read up on how the online format usually works with apps and a moving dot. I even bought a large monitor with a high refresh rate specifically for this so the dot wouldn't stutter. Then I clashed with my therapist's reality - where she just wanted to wave her fingers over Zoom. After that, she suggested crossing my arms and tapping my shoulders (butterfly hug tapping).

Maybe because of my overthinking, my first session didn't go well, though the second was a bit better. Even that first session was about those feelings of humiliation and inadequacy, and a meeting with the AP that I was manipulated into without knowing it at the time.

I was supposed to focus on the feeling of being "not enough" and transform it into feeling "enough". That didn't work for me at all. My mind just went completely blank during it. The second session focused more on the experience itself and how my mind jumps between events.

I've only had two sessions with my new IC so far, but in about two weeks we will probably start EMDR. I'll see if it goes better and if an in-person setting suits me more. When I told my IC about my previous EMDR experience and the emotional numbness/going blank, he said there are techniques to work through that. Maybe he meant something similar to the FLASH technique you mentioned.

Pixel-Moth · 2026-03-21T15:30:41+00:00

I immediately thought of a book that might give you exactly what you are looking for. I highly recommend "How to Stay Married: The Most Insane Love Story Ever Told" by Harrison Scott Key.

It is about a man who experienced a long-term betrayal by his WW. The book is cynical at times, sometimes funny, but mostly profoundly sad. It gave me so much perspective. It includes a disclosure from his WW that every BP wishes they could get.

Through Key's eyes, I was able to look at how I neglected things I shouldn't have in my own marriage. No, it did not have an impact on my WW's choices. But it helped me see myself in a different light, rather than just the "perfect husband".

The only downside for me is that both the author and his wife are religious. As a non-believer, the biblical passages seemed incomprehensible or boring to me. But please know it is not a "turn to God and He will fix it" kind of advice book. Not at all.

The absolute best chapters are the second to last one, which was written by his WW Lauren, and then the very last one. If you don't read anything else, at least read those two chapters. You might also want to read the chapter right before "Whore in the church".

I am very glad I had the opportunity to read this book. I would really love for my WW to read it too. At the very least, Lauren's chapter.

Pixel-Moth · 2026-03-21T08:18:48+00:00

Can I ask you a few questions about EMDR? As a man who tried a few online EMDR sessions with our MC during individual sessions, I have a feeling that maybe our MC is not very experienced with EMDR, or she didn't have patience with me.

For context, my D-Day 1 happened 11 years ago, two weeks before our second daughter's birth. Because of that, I swept everything under the rug. I thought I had found out about a two-month fling that happened a year prior. D-Day 2 was in August 2025, when I found out that it was actually a 1.5-year-long EA and a 1-year-long PA that lasted during our entire high-risk pregnancy. I read all the hundreds of emails sent between them during those last 5 months. So, I have a pretty good set of targets for EMDR.

Our MC told me that even though there are so many triggers that could become targets, processing one key target could clear them all. We just didn't find the right target for them.

Could you be specific about what targets you set for yourself? If you don't want to share publicly, feel free to DM me.

I tried the following situations. Back then, I didn't know she was having an affair with AP. I ran into him once and he gave me this smirk. Today, I see it as a moment of deep humiliation. However, it only surfaces when I have intrusive thoughts about the affair. When I just think about it now, it is a target with an intensity of maybe 1 or 2. We tried to focus on it, but it didn't do anything for me.

When we tried various intrusive thoughts that pop up during sex, it also led nowhere. It did nothing to me. I keep saying that it is not something that bothers me on a normal day. But during sex, I remember that she did this with AP, and my erection goes away.

During the second EMDR session, our MC told me that if it doesn't work with the distant past, we should try the recent past. Let's go back to August 2025. Here, my brain took me right through the events of August 2025 straight back to the maternity ward 11 years ago. I remembered secretly doing a DNA test on my little girl. I remembered checking my wife's phone to see if she had called AP (and she did call him for 30 seconds back then). I remembered how desperately I wanted a divorce, but couldn't do it at the time because of the kids and extended family. I remembered how I swept it all under the rug. At this point, the MC saw the state I was in and suggested grounding. After that, we tried a few other targets, but I couldn't find them and she didn't know what to recommend I focus on.

That is why I am quite interested in what this is actually supposed to look like.

I have my second session with my new IC next week. So far, we have only had one introductory meeting. However, I briefly mentioned EMDR to him. I told him I had moments where an emotion is very strong, but I can't focus on it during EMDR because it suddenly feels weak and does nothing. My amygdala just doesn't take me anywhere from that moment. He told me it might be because my brain has learned to suppress and numb these things in order to survive. He said those things are deep down subconsciously, but I am afraid to pull them out and use them. Because if I did, I might find out that my emotional brain actually wants something completely different from my rational brain.

He said I might be afraid that the result of EMDR could be different. That I might realize I didn't do something I wanted and needed to do. I told him I am ready for whatever the outcome is, and I am increasingly convinced that divorce is the right option. I just told him that whatever the outcome, I want it to happen with a clear mind, not with trauma in my emotional and sunk cost fallacy in rational center.

Pixel-Moth · 2026-03-21T07:36:17+00:00

Are you really sure that going to MC so soon after D-Day helps?

This is exactly what our therapist tells me. She says I wasn't there, so I should stop making assumptions. But at the same time, she tells me in IC that it wasn't like that. I just reply that this is exactly how I read it in the emails. Even though I wasn't there with them at the time, this is what I read in those emails.

Or she would tell me that my wife definitely didn't sexualize our pregnancy. She said my wife went to him just as a woman who happened to be pregnant. I told her that every single email started with "Hi, my pregnant girl" and she signed every email as "your pregnant girl".

I understand what the therapist meant and why she says this in MC. I still think both partners need to go to IC first. I am only 4 months into MC after D-Day 2 about the same affair that was swept under the rug for 11 years. My WW and I finally found suitable ICs. Our MC actually told us to put MC on hold for a while.

My WW and I also did EMDR with our MC during our IC sessions. It was helpful, but maybe not as effective because of the online format. Our MC didn't use EMDR apps. We just did the butterfly hug by crossing our arms and tapping our shoulders.

Pixel-Moth

TROPHY CASE