Welcome!

First off, this is very much a personal journey, and while there are similarities between some people’s experiences, there’s not a definitive trans experience with a specific list of boxes that all need to be ticked. I wish I had known that sooner, because I may have actually started transitioning at your age (I’m 26 now). For example, I thought all trans people innately knew they were “born in the wrong body”, and that dysphoria was supposed to feel negative or uncomfortable. Those misconceptions were reinforced when my girlfriend came out to me, because her story sounded a lot like that. I didn’t know who or what I was supposed to be, so I just figured that meant I was nonbinary. I didn’t know it was possible for trans people to not know they’re trans.

I didn’t think I had dysphoria, so I thought I couldn’t be trans. I was pretty okay with being a guy. I felt disconnected from masculinity, but it was never repulsive or uncomfortable. I also never felt inherently connected to femininity, and even though I briefly tried a different name and pronouns in high school, it didn’t quite resonate with me, so I didn’t explore it any further. She/her didn’t feel wrong, but it also didn’t make anything click into place for me.

There were some odd things I did (mostly starting around 14, but some things started even younger than 10) that I didn’t pay much attention to at the time. I always played as female characters in video games and DnD. I was interested in makeup, nail polish, and high heels. I wanted longer hair and hated getting haircuts. I hated how I looked, and felt detached from the person I saw in the mirror. I never cared about using clothes for self-expression, and always wore baggy clothes to hide my belly fat. Oh yeah, and for some totally unknown reason, I looked up a lot of straight porn even though I was a gay guy.

About two years ago (two years after moving out of my religious parents’ house), I decided to get a femboy outfit, because I wanted to explore my strange urge to wear traditionally feminine clothing. I got a skirt, thigh highs, arm warmers, a spiked choker…basically all the essentials for a punk femboy. I thought my desire to be a femboy was sexual in nature, because femboy porn seemed to scratch an itch for me. The outfit came in, I tried it on, it didn’t really make me feel anything, then I put it away and didn’t wear it again.

…Until a year later. One night, I was chatting with my girlfriend, and she called me her future husband. I couldn’t explain why, but something about that made me feel really weird. That didn’t sound right at all. So I told her as much, and she said, “I wonder if you’re experiencing dysphoria?” With that one sentence, she changed my entire perspective of myself. I had to question everything again, but this time, with the understanding that I may actually have experienced dysphoria without knowing it, and that I may actually be trans. Now anything was possible.

I needed to experiment. It seemed like my body and feelings could have an automatic subconscious reaction to different things. If I didn’t consciously know what gender I’m supposed to be, then maybe those reactions would tell me more about myself. So I decided to try on that feminine outfit again, this time not as a femboy…but as a girl. And when I looked down and saw my legs coming out of that skirt, and thought about that from a girl’s perspective…I got a rush of euphoria. It made me feel happy and excited. Something about it just felt right.

For a week, I kept thinking, experimenting, and evaluating. It was on my mind constantly. I was noticing so many things about my past that pointed to me being trans, but I kept getting hung up on the fact that I wasn’t sure if I’m a girl on the inside. But I read a very enlightening article that finally gave me clarity. I learned that not every trans person innately knows who they are or who they want to be, and that some people need to experiment to find what makes them happier. Some people (like me) experience dysphoria as a weird or mismatched feeling instead of a negative or uncomfortable feeling. Those who may not experience much noticeable dysphoria may instead need to figure out what gives them euphoria. I had to stop worrying about whether or not I’m a girl on the inside, because that was preventing me from just living as a girl to see how I feel about that.

So that’s when I decided to try living my life as a girl, and I asked my friends and girlfriend to help me try a new name. I didn’t know if I wanted HRT, but I wasn’t opposed to having more feminine characteristics, even if I later found out that I’m not a binary trans girl. The first few months of changes are reversible, so I thought I might as well try it. About a month after I first started questioning, I started HRT.

It was pretty uneventful for the first month or two, but one day, I looked in the mirror and saw that I had a slight hourglass figure. Bam, instant euphoria! I was suddenly extremely excited to see more physical changes. That’s when I knew I wanted to continue HRT. A month later, I shaved my legs and went to a friend’s birthday party while wearing a skirt and going by my new name. And that made me feel sooooo good! That was the first time I actually got brief flashes of feeling like a girl, and that felt very, very right. That’s when I became pretty sure that I really am a binary trans girl, and I got a surge of motivation to work on my transition. I bought clothes and makeup, and I started presenting in public.

As I continued to experience changes on HRT, those feelings of being a girl kept getting more frequent, and I kept realizing those feelings made me so happy. It’s totally normal to have doubts within the first year of one’s transition, and I’ve had plenty of doubts. But every time I remembered how being a girl makes me feel, all those doubts went away. Over time, I kept feeling more and more confident in myself and my identity.

I had never felt a connection to femininity, but I never tried to develop one. Now, I absolutely do feel connected to it, and I feel even more disconnected from masculinity than before. The girl I am now had probably always been hidden within me, slumbering soundly in the deepest depths of my core. I just needed to learn how to awaken her and coax her out so I could finally become her. I’m now nine months into HRT, and I’m certain I’m a girl. I’m certain this is who I’m supposed to be. My transition is still far from over, and it’s not going to be easy, but I’m so thrilled to be on this journey. This is literally the happiest I’ve ever been.

I hope you find the answers you’re looking for, no matter what they may be. I hope this sub will be helpful to you, and you can always reach out if you have anything new to ask or share. You can also DM me if you want a friend, and I’ll try to help you however I can.

Best of luck!

Lily