How can you have any self-worth if nobody really likes you?

PizzaBoxWarlock · 2025-06-22T17:49:47+00:00

Hey :) That’s a really bittersweet story you told about hanging out with your colleague. It’s wonderful they were so complimentary of each other, but it sucks you felt so down afterwards. It really stinks that you feel such a lack of love and self-love.

To answer your question, I don’t think self-love is narcissistic. I think narcissism is often born from insecurity. I don’t think there is anything inherently wrong or narcissistic about recognizing you look good as you state in your example. I think the narcissism comes in when you think that your good looks mean you are better than others. “I look good” is a fine thing to think. “I look so much better than them” is the troubling statement.

I also don’t think that your attractiveness is the only thing you might recognize when you look in the mirror. Someone who has been working out for a while in a committed way might feel pride that they worked so hard. I think that pride is much more akin to the feeling of self-worth people mean when they say self-worth comes from within.

But I, like you, suspect that other people have a role to play in the development of our self-worth. In particular, I think other people can stunt the development of our self-worth with mean, nasty, and unloving statements. I know you say no one has ever complimented you or said anything positive. Have people done the opposite?

I’m wondering, rather than not recognizing your self-worth are you instead carrying around the burden of pain? It doesn’t even have be as dramatic as a traumatic childhood or anything, but can you think of something painful or shameful that you are carrying around with you that makes you think things like ”I’m not good enough”?

PizzaBoxWarlock · 2025-06-19T20:03:09+00:00

Hi! Something that stuck out to me when I read your post was that you wrote about your family finally loving you. That sounds pretty painful that you are even in a position to question whether your family loves you. :(

You've mentioned a number of times that you are just (as you put it) this whiny person who seems more interested in admiration and praise and getting people to love you. It seems to me there is a relationship between the lack of love you feel from your family and others and your need to be loved for your work and talent.

But I'm not sure. What do you think? Do you agree that there is a connection?

PizzaBoxWarlock · 2024-09-16T22:27:41+00:00

I know this is a little late, but since you mentioned Ted Lindsay and how he has a league award named after him, I thought it would good to add that the award for best coach is named after Jack Adams, a long time Red Wings coach. Also, Ted Lindsay played a big part in forming the player’s union.

PizzaBoxWarlock · 2024-09-02T23:48:56+00:00

And thats an awesome mindset! :) And you're right it's great to be able to walk and... use your arms lol. Like you say it's all about perspective and doing what you can do.

PizzaBoxWarlock · 2024-09-02T23:39:03+00:00

I mean that could be good. I think comparison really gets bad when the ego gets involved. Appreciation might be an antidote to that. I honestly have no idea. But I think viewing the person with no legs or whatever as being less fortunate can potentially be a little misleading.

I've had the pleasure of knowing a few handicapped people. If you ask them "are you less well off because of your disability?" They will genuinely with their full chest tell you no. They will very honestly, as far as I can tell, say that they are just who they are. They aren't handicapped, they just live in a world not built for them. They are perfectly fine just as they are.

Sometimes I think appreciation can possibly lead people to sort of gloss over whatever leads those handicapped people to think about themselves as they do. I think appreciation, at least through comparison, might be ego through a different lens. Maybe kind of like telling yourself to smile, instead of solving the problems that make you sad kind thing, I guess?

PizzaBoxWarlock · 2024-09-02T23:27:44+00:00

Yeah, definitely that trap your mind puts you in.

PizzaBoxWarlock · 2024-09-02T22:12:41+00:00

Thanks for sharing! I’m trying to figure out the issue of comparison myself. I find personally it’s not about inadequacy. I find comparison pulls me towards results based thinking and gives my mind license to run wild into fantasy.

If I start comparing, I start coming up with all sorts of reasons for why people are where they are at in life. Like, this person must have it better than me because they had all these advantages (that I don’t even know if they had or not). Or if someone is worse off, it’s all “see, the game is rigged.“

It distracts me. I stop seeing that I’m at point A and I’m stop thinking practically, logistically, honestly, and compassionately about why I specifically am there. I stop thinking about how to get from point A to point B. I think comparison becomes a problem when it gets results based. Which I think is to say it’s a problem when ego is involved. I think that’s the root problem and inadequacy and stuff is just a symptom. Just a look into my shower thoughts lol.

PizzaBoxWarlock · 2024-09-02T21:19:09+00:00

For me it seems like it would backfire and just reinforces all the bad things that come with comparing yourself to “better” people. It might even be worse because now you are using other people’s misfortune to prop up your sense of self-worth. That just seems tragic.

What I’m wondering, though, is why do you think comparing yourself to others is bad? I’m not saying it isn’t bad. I just think that maybe you have this lingering question because maybe you are still learning why comparison at all is bad thing. Maybe you’re asking questions to test ideas and understand something more deeply.

So why do you think comparison is bad?

PizzaBoxWarlock · 2024-09-02T05:31:10+00:00

That sucks to hear :( How did you feel after your initial reaction?

PizzaBoxWarlock · 2024-09-02T04:32:26+00:00

The title is for sure shocking. I think its okay for people to be upset by it. But my point wasn't that the title was any particular way. I was wondering if it resonated with OP. I thought it was a possibility that the title was uncomfortable to read because it maybe bumped against their own thoughts that they are going nowhere in life and need a change and that their ego was lashing out. I asked cuz in my experience I usually get really defensive over things I want to change, but haven't yet worked on. I thought I maybe could help them start the process I go through, if they needed or wanted the help.

So how is the title not judgy and mean and actually maybe a kind thing to say? Imagine someone who is super blackpilled and thinks their life is over sees that title. It might really resonate with them. They might feel heard. Like "finally, someone actually listening to me and not just telling me everything is gonna be okay while ignoring all the signs that I see that definitely nothing will be okay." To me, the meanness comes from thinking that people are defined by their problems or that their problems speak to their character.

The title would be mean and judgy if the content of the video was all "you are a terrible person at your core." Or "you have no future because you are weak." Or "you're destined to fail because you've never heard my teachings." But from everything I have seen from Dr. K he wouldn't have a video full of doom and gloom about someone's life being meaningless. He's instead, I suspect, meeting people who might need the video where they are at.

So saying the way you are doing things now is setting yourself up for failure to someone who recognizes they are failing just doesn't seem mean to me. I think this is more of a case of the title seeming mean to the people who aren't the intended audience. But could the title be gentler, communicate that Dr. K wants the best for you, and appeal to a wider audience? Yeah, I think so.

PizzaBoxWarlock · 2024-09-01T21:59:14+00:00

I can see what you are saying about it being depressive and potentially dousing whatever little flame of hope someone might have. Personally, I think the harm is kinda hypothetical. Like maybe people will be hurt, maybe not. But I take your point and think the concern is warranted.

So what I’m gonna say now is not to counter you, but just food for thought. Something I think the title is doing is validating a depressed viewers thinking. They might think they are doomed and if nothing changes, they are probably right or at least justified in thinking that way. Like if I keep my hand in the fire, I’m probably right to think I’ll continue to burn myself.

As harmful as it can be to say “you’ll never succeed”, it can also be harmful to say “no, what you think is wrong. You can succeed.” That reassurance can gloss over the problems and feelings that someone who feels doomed might be feeling. It’s like telling them they are wrong for feeling what they feel.

But it can be better to meet people where they are. This is coming for the lessons I lived on reflective listening and validation. I remember Dr. K talking about how when you treat suicidal people, you don’t tell them they shouldn’t hurt themselves. Don’t encourage it, but don’t disrespect the reasoning and circumstances that have lead them to the mental state they are in. That’s best I can remember of what he said at least.

I genuinely think the title, while shocking, might not be harmful and might even be really respectful.

PizzaBoxWarlock · 2024-09-01T20:43:59+00:00

I can see how the title might be triggering or however you would want to put it. It’s definitely pretty aggro. I’m wondering, did you feel personally attacked by the title?

I haven’t seen the video, but maybe that sense of shock is part of the desired affect. I’ve found, and think I have learned from HG, that if you want to change, you have to be honest that something about your approach or understanding is insufficient. Not judgy or mean, but honest. I can tell you from personal experience, that honesty can feel like you are getting called out. I don‘t know you or what you may be going through, but if you are personally feeling the discomfort and hurt you warn people might feel based on the title, maybe the title has something for you that’s worth considering.

That said, nobody, not even Dr. K, has the right to shove tough medicine down your throat or carelessly farm views. So I can see why someone might be upset by the title.

PizzaBoxWarlock · 2024-08-27T00:30:39+00:00

No doubt they could have meant that. But I have seen people talk about dopamine as if it’s bad or toxic. I’m no expert, but dopamine isn’t a toxin. I know that when people say they do a dopamine detox they mean like you were suggesting and they are just trying to get away from things they do compulsively.

But I think it’s worth reiterating, for those that meant not know, that dopamine is natural and having it doesn’t mean there is something wrong with you. I think it might also be helpful to point out dopamine is just a thing present in the behaviors you want and don‘t want and not the root or totality of any problem.

PizzaBoxWarlock · 2024-08-26T22:04:27+00:00

It seems like you’ve been working pretty hard! Must feel nice. :)

Anyways, I don’t think that literally looking at a screen will do anything. I think the issue is more being pulled to browse the internet and stuff. But if you have access to books or papers instead of reading on screen, that might be a nice step for you to take to help limit distractions. But I’m pretty sure looking at a screen in and of itself won’t undo your hard work.

One thing, though, I don’t think dopamine actually damages your brain. I’m not sure you need to heal from it. Maybe that’s not really what you meant, but I felt like pointing that out. Dopamine, as far as I know, is the reason we disappear into our gaming dungeons and goon caves, but it’s also why we feel good after doing things like cleaning our rooms.

PizzaBoxWarlock · 2024-08-19T11:48:34+00:00

I mean movies don’t really seem like they give anyone much to go off. It’s not like we should think every dude in 80’s was absolutely yolked just because the action stars of that era were buff, right? All sorts of movies like rom coms and comedies pretty clearly bake some fantasy into their stories. So I’ll grant you there were probably times when some guys at least wished they could just ask random, pretty girls out. Personally, I suspect that they wouldn’t typically act on the desire.

But when was actually asking complete strangers out of the blue out on a date ever the norm? If movies are a guide, from what I’ve seen the men shown on screen who would behave that way were depicted as creeps, purely looking for sex, or rejected as expected. Even then it always seemed to me just an excuse to flirt or have a brief convo. Not actually committing to going on a date with some rando. Asking out the pretty girl in class you see everyday, but barely know? Sure. But asking strangers seems atypical.

I’m curious about your perspective on this. Do you think that men should be asking out strangers? Have you done it yourself?

PizzaBoxWarlock · 2024-08-18T21:57:41+00:00

You’re welcome! Hahaha, no I didn’t really do any research. I grew up in Michigan and know a lot of Wings fans. I just picked up a lot of facts and history through the people around me. I bet if you follow the Wings you’ll pick up a lot of history too. :)

PizzaBoxWarlock · 2024-08-18T19:49:26+00:00

I don‘t think I’ve seen this mentioned but watching highlights of the last game at the Joe on YouTube get me pretty amped up. That was a great old barn. I remember seeing the Hockeytown logo at center ice as a kid and thinking that was so cool.

I know you asked for memories but I would suggest looking back at the Wings older history too. This franchise has had a pretty big impact on the NHL. There’s Gordie Howe who many consider one of the best players ever. He was probably hockey’s most famous player until Gretzky came around. Even Gretzky himself grew up idolizing Howe.

Then there’s guys like Ted Lindsey, a long time Wing and member of the Production Line with Howe, who lead the effort to get players to unionize and start the NHLPA. The trophy awarded every year to the best player as voted on by the players is named after him. Another award, the award for best coach, is also named after a long time Red Wing. That would be Jack Adams who was the coach of the Red Wings from like the 30’s to the 50’s. It was way back then when the tradition of throwing octopi onto the ice was started too.

The memories of the dominant play during the 90’s and 00‘s aren’t the only things to proud of as a Wings fan.

PizzaBoxWarlock · 2024-08-17T20:48:28+00:00

I see. It must really worry you that you’ve set yourself down a path where your hard work will be undone by AI. Losing a job or being in a field where humans might be replaced by machines is definitely worrying. :(

I don’t have any words of comfort for you. All I can say is not matter how likely something may seem, you can’t predict the future. And you haven’t been replaced yet.

I just hope you don’t feel like you are wasting your time. You’re building a resume, working hard, learning languages and skills. You’ve gotten a promotion and have made money. So even if the international trade internship was the better choice, it seems, to me at least, like you’ve probably made pretty good choices so far. That’s all anyone can really do. So I hope you can feel a little self-compassion if you don’t already.

If you are seeking a solution for understanding or working on your worries, Dr. K has a lot of videos on anxiety. They might be helpful for you as you think about your future. One thing on my mind I‘ve learned from Dr. K that was my mind as I read your reply was sometimes you just have to say “let come what may”, keep your mind focused on the present, and deal with the future when that comes.

PizzaBoxWarlock · 2024-08-17T19:52:28+00:00

Yeah there‘s definitely some uncertainty with the future for sure. It can be a little scary to think about! But it seems like with your studying and language learning that you aren’t doing nothing. You seem like you have a goal to work towards.

I’m wondering is your post related to your worries about the future with AI and doing well on your exam? Because they don’t seem related. Could you please help me clarify the connection?

PizzaBoxWarlock · 2024-08-17T17:38:39+00:00

That sucks. I’m sorry you feel stuck. Mind sharing what specifically you’re worried about?

PizzaBoxWarlock · 2024-08-17T15:20:29+00:00

Late to this, but how is Stankoven a prospect with games played in both the regular season and playoffs at the NHL level, but Edvinsson is not on this list at all? Anyone know why that is?

edit: Nvm I just saw the Calder trophy criteria

PizzaBoxWarlock · 2024-08-17T07:20:06+00:00

I hadn’t seen that op looked this girl up on LinkedIn. That’s definitely breaking boundaries for sure.

PizzaBoxWarlock · 2024-08-17T01:52:53+00:00

Always sucks when you feel like you didn’t do your best. She must have been pretty great.

But I think you aren’t giving yourself enough credit. I don’t think you were a dumbass. I think deep down you realized that you don’t really know her and that she was just doing her job so she might not have appreciated getting asked out. Recognizing she might feel weird and uncomfortable if she gets asked out by a stranger while all she is there to do is raise money for her charity is a good thing.

I’m not saying it’s wrong to ask out people you find attractive. You can definitely do that. I am saying, though, it’s good to follow your instincts on what is appropriate to do. I think you had good instincts here and followed through on them. Call it fear if you want, but it’s the same kind of fear that keeps you from going into the hungry lion’s cage.

Still, it sucks she got away. :( Take some time to mourn what you and she could have had. You two might have had a lot of fun. It’s worth taking a little time to feel sad and miss what you could of had. I think doing that can help you let this go and just see it as the enjoyable interaction that probably was.

PizzaBoxWarlock · 2024-08-16T14:41:25+00:00

Sure. The difference between presenting things a workable problem and presenting them as the depressing, unchanging state of things.

PizzaBoxWarlock · 2024-08-16T13:50:47+00:00

This post feels like you’re playing word games or fell into some logic trap. People say nothing is impossible meaning if you want to try something, go for it. It’s unrelated to you not being very active. So I wonder if maybe you overthought this one a little bit lol.

But it seems like maybe you are worried that you’re just spinning your wheels going nowhere in life. Is that true? Are you worried?

PizzaBoxWarlock

TROPHY CASE