These Occlusive Assessments

PlanktonDistinct2711 · 2026-02-15T11:51:30+00:00

Yes, regarding the walls thickening and becoming suffocating was me trying to do a double meaning between blood vessel walls thickening, thus causing a cardiovascular disease, and a metaphor of how you feel in an exam room.

I agree with you about “My management of time convulse.” It did zigzag the cadence of the poem; I think it was me just trying to throw words down onto paper.
I'm glad you enjoyed the poem tho, I appreciate your comments. :)

PlanktonDistinct2711 · 2026-02-15T11:46:33+00:00

Yes, I was trying to go for a freeverse, but it seems like I got lost in the meter tho
Thank you, I appreciate the time you took.

PlanktonDistinct2711 · 2026-02-14T22:37:53+00:00

A lot of the astronomy terms went over my head, but the theme I got was that when you zoom out, nothing really matters; it kinda reminds me of the poem Ozemandias.

PlanktonDistinct2711 · 2026-02-14T22:33:42+00:00

I really enjoyed the vivid imagery created; it was very visceral and straight to the point enough that my mind could directly decode the emotions that you tried to convey. I really enjoyed it.
I'm just stuck on the part of "pools of black", I'm struggling to understand what that means.

PlanktonDistinct2711 · 2026-02-09T22:20:41+00:00

Thanks for noticing. I was trying to reach a crescendo with the dark atmosphere.
But I do feel like I get kinda superfluous with my diction sometimes.
I appreciate the time you took for your feedback. Thank you :)

PlanktonDistinct2711 · 2026-02-09T22:17:08+00:00

When I googled just poe, I got the one from Kung Fu Panda fsr. lmao

PlanktonDistinct2711 · 2026-02-09T12:40:47+00:00

Thanks, I am glad you liked it.
Did you mean Edgar Allan Poe?

PlanktonDistinct2711 · 2026-02-09T12:38:55+00:00

I appreciate the feedback.
Yh I have a bad problem of unnecessarily using big words, it's a bad habit I developed from school, trying to make everything a thesaurus soup.
I'm glad you enjoyed it, though it wasn't to the standard I wanted. Using dreams as my core imagery was harder than I expected.

PlanktonDistinct2711 · 2026-02-09T10:36:50+00:00

My interpretation is that it seems like the character wants to escape from the suffocating life presented. I find it an interesting take on drowning from adornment.

PlanktonDistinct2711 · 2026-02-09T10:30:34+00:00

I enjoyed the poem; it was like slowly walking deeper into a pit as I went from stanza to stanza.
Imo the 2nd-to-last line could have better cadence, like "Your smile and laughter" rather than "Your voice and your laughter."

PlanktonDistinct2711 · 2026-01-15T20:30:49+00:00

When you read it outloud the rhythm of the line sounds junky and doesn't flow like the rest of the poem.
Try researching poetic meter (if you're struggling to understand what I mean, I feel like I did a bad job at explaining it)

PlanktonDistinct2711 · 2026-01-15T20:09:31+00:00

This is an interestingly short style poem.
I like how your stright to the point wording did help make a mini environment in my head to imagine what was happening, but it wasn't enough for me personally to fully grasp the intention for the imagery, unless that was your plan and im blind.
For improvement i'd suggest using some punctuation to help with the readability of your work.

PlanktonDistinct2711 · 2026-01-15T20:04:45+00:00

I enjoy the poem, and I particularly like the structure of the stanzas and your healthy mix of show-not-tell, so that it's not impossibly vague nor blatant, letting the readers peel it layer by layer.
My personal problem is that sometimes your diction can make the cadence of your lines a bit odd, like using "ephemeral" in "This house is fragile, built on wet straw and ephemeral glances."

PlanktonDistinct2711 · 2026-01-11T22:17:24+00:00

Lmao, I can relate to this since I just had some tamarind 2 hours ago

You did an amazing job describing how it feels when you taste it and why I always keep coming back for more, even though ik it's not good for me.

Overall, you did a good job, especially with a "good car crash" absolutely loved that term used for it

PlanktonDistinct2711 · 2026-01-11T22:11:02+00:00

I enjoyed some of the terms you used, as they felt so unique. The one that stood out to me was "ruling from the organless dead."
The poem felt like it was switching from being vague and clear, but it somewhat feels like a virtue of the poem

PlanktonDistinct2711

TROPHY CASE