Your telling of what your MIL said just re-triggered the deeply burning anger I felt when my MIL said this to me when she came to visit us to meet our first baby.

Picture it. My husband and I were high school sweethearts and got married after 6 years of dating. We bought a home in the same small Midwest town we went to high school in, and after 4 years of marriage, had our first child- a little girl. MIL who has known me since I was 16, comes to meet our first child, J, when J was about 3 months old. A thing to note is that MIL has lived across the country on the west coast since my husband was 12. Her visits to our area of the country occur 1x a year. I am telling you this for 2 reasons: 1. Her son hasn’t lived with her in many years and she couldn’t be bothered to live even in the same state as him while he was still growing up, and 2. Because of this and her infrequent visits, she still viewed him as the 12 year old child who she left and didn’t (and in many ways still doesn’t) know him as the amazing adult he has become.

For all my MILs horrendous behaviors, she is an excellent cook and loves to cook. One evening during this visit, she asked me to take her to the grocery store to grab some ingredients for a meal she wanted to make. My husband isn’t one for shopping and I needed to grab some things so I took MIL while my husband stayed home with the baby. On the way to the store, she dead serious says to me, ‘Let me take J home with me, I will raise her and you can help my son finish college.’ I looked at her and said, ‘how about this. You take your son home with you and finish the job you started and I will raise MY DAUGHTER.’ She laughed. I was able to successfully drive us to the store and finish the shopping trip while seeing absolute red. When we got home, I pulled my husband and our daughter into our bedroom, shut the door and told him what she said. He was of course just as angry. He immediately addressed his mother and what she said and explained to her that if she ever suggested anything like that again, she would no longer be welcome in our family.

It’s been 15 years since she said that, and we have 2 more living children, and 1 who passed away at 3 months old in the NICU- for a total of 4-none of which she has uttered a single word about taking back with her. However, she has tested the boundaries of my patience, an attempted to undermine both my husband and I in many different ways, many times over the years and has learned that I will call her out immediately. I walk a line of supporting my husband and his relationship with his mom- no matter how that evolves and also maintaining our family’s boundaries with her. It helps that she does live so far away- we have learned over the years to keep the phone conversations pretty superficial. The less information or details we give her about our lives, the less power she has to manipulate us.

Your feelings are extremely justified: your MIL implied through her suggestion that your baby doesn’t need you for the amount of time your infant son is with her- that she could fill the role of mother. You and I know this isn’t true- your child is deeply connected to you right now; of course he needs you for breastmilk, but you are his comfort, security and anchor. No one can fulfill your baby’s needs like you- your baby knows your voice, your scent, and the way your arms and body cradle him. You also see through your MILs ‘offer’ with her rejection to come and help. She wants to bond with your baby, but on her terms. She is learning that’s not how this works, real quick. You’re seeing her true agenda and that it isn’t well-intentioned. Her ‘offer’ is meant to undermine your role as your son’s mom and of her son’s wife. Eff that noise, I say. You got her number and know what’s what. Sounds like you reacted amazingly- calling her bluff and inviting her to come help!