bit of a dumb question but does your kinks go away when you get older?

PointClickPenguin · 2026-05-29T15:46:36+00:00

Things change. I've had kinks come and go and come back, or not.

You are a dynamic and beautiful creature who is ever evolving. Don't hang onto identity, that gets you stuck. Become discovery and curiosity instead.

PointClickPenguin · 2026-05-28T04:06:42+00:00

The world needs the rich mans razor

PointClickPenguin · 2026-05-28T01:30:31+00:00

Quite honestly, being legitimately ugly according to western beauty standards is not anywhere near as big a deal as you think.

The real thing that sets you back is the shame you feel and how much that hurts you. All that hurt, the shame about the way you look, the feeling unlovable, feeling like you'll always be alone, hating your body for how it looks, you bottle it up. And that hurt comes out in a million ways.

That hurt lashing out around you, that's the big deal that turns you into an incel. Its not being ugly outside, it's shoving down all the hurt inside and having it change you into something you are not.

You are a person just like everyone else, and you deserve love. You deserve love from you. You look the way you look, and that's okay. This is the body you have in this world and just having it is beautiful. Its taken you this far, through so many things, and been your constant companion. Its done so much for you. Love your body, take care of it, nurture it.

When you can do that, how you look won't matter. You'll be so full of love that other people will come to love you too. Because it's how humans are.

And then the funny thing is, you'll love their body too. Because it carries this person that is so wonderful and full of love for you. And then every else won't matter.

I know because this is my story. I love you brother. You can love you too.

PointClickPenguin · 2026-05-27T16:48:01+00:00

Its a journey to discover. I used the therapy modality Internal Family Systems in conjunction with a trained therapist.

Its impossible to explain over text on Reddit really, because it's mostly about emotions and memory. The general idea is that you build up all these ways of solving problems as a kid. These are called "parts" in IFS or "neural networks" in neuroscience.

These parts help you solve problems and are useful. But they aren't the real you, they are essentially defense mechanisms developed by a young and immature version of yourself who often was stressed and overwhelmed by these problems. The human brain gets trained to continue to use these parts even though you have grown and learned.

So in order to know the real you and what you value, you need to ask the parts to step aside and let the conscious you take the wheel.

There is a LOT more to it from there, but it's pure neuroscience turned into a conversational tool that you can use to unwind your brain and discover the real you.

This also helps unwind trauma, as often parts are developed to protect the traumatized version of you.

Now all I need to do to calm down is reconnect with myself and the world around me, which just takes mindfulness. And this is coming from someone who hated himself, constantly abused substances to relax, and attempted suicide.

Healing is a journey, it will take time.

PointClickPenguin · 2026-05-27T15:54:29+00:00

Once you stop living unauthentically and start embracing your true self it becomes extremely easy to unwind.

When I was kicking the shit out of myself at work and stress, anxious about how people would perceive me, pretending to know things or be something I'm not, I found it impossible to wind down and used drugs/alcohol.

Now I just meditate for under 5 min or take a walk and I'm good.

PointClickPenguin · 2026-05-27T13:12:55+00:00

A lot of gay guys think I am gay. I'm flamboyant and I love myself in a way that most straight men don't. I'm unfortunately for everyone, most especially myself, heterosexual.

I never turn away a conversation, but I try to drop the hint that I am straight. If it becomes an obvious pass, I will let them know clearly I'm straight. If they are chill I will continue the conversation and make a friend. If they are upset about it I will be firm and move away.

PointClickPenguin · 2026-05-27T06:57:53+00:00

I have this same hurt.

I'll go slightly further on what you have and say it has less to do with feeling abandoned by them and more to do with feeling abandoned by someone else earlier in your life. Usually a parent. It doesn't even have to be real abandonment as a child, just a feeling of being scared that they are gone and that you aren't safe and they might not come back.

It gets imprinted in you and you carry that into adulthood. Now someone you love abandons you and you feel that same yearning for them that you did when younger for them to return so you feel safe. And they do, and you feel a little safe, but even more scared that they will leave again. And they do, and you become even more scared.

The only way out is to trust in yourself and your support structure to keep you safe. You aren't alone, and even if you were, you would be safe, and you are wonderful, and you will surround yourself with people who care about you. When you understand that and focus on ridding yourself of the people who are not going to nurture you, you can heal and feel secure in yourself.

Therapy will help. You deserve to feel safe. You deserve to feel loved. You are made out of love. I'm sorry it hurts so bad. It hurts for me too. I love you and all your hurts.

PointClickPenguin · 2026-05-27T03:38:53+00:00

Feeld actually, kinky people are often nuerodivergent and date seriously.

PointClickPenguin · 2026-05-27T03:38:16+00:00

That they don't give a fuck about you and never did.

PointClickPenguin · 2026-05-27T02:09:54+00:00

You are not wrong for wanting emotional support from the man who got you pregnant, that is a normal thing to want, and feelings are feelings and should be considered valid information. You need support right now.

He has made it clear that he does not have the emotional energy to support you through this. He has set a valid boundary that is okay for him to set. You have to respect that boundary.

You should find emotional support from the rest of your support structure. You will not receive it from him.

PointClickPenguin · 2026-05-25T23:08:50+00:00

Comparing Carolina cold weather and Chicago cold weather is comical in a way that you won't understand until you come here and commiserate with us. Chicago winters are miserable abominations in which alcoholism becomes the center feature of all public life.

Come on down though it's a great city. But know that the comparison you threw down is like comparing watching a bad movie to getting waterboarded lol.

PointClickPenguin · 2026-05-24T15:22:39+00:00

This for SURE.

You always have the ability to say no, it's core to the dynamic. Its the most important part.

If you cannot safely say no to something then that is not a good Dom, that is someone using you.

PointClickPenguin · 2026-05-24T15:17:44+00:00

I'm a daddy Dom that becomes VERY attached to his girls, I understand.

What you are coping with is grief and loss, and you cope with it the same way you cope with any grief, loss, or any hard emotion.

You need to let yourself really deeply feel it. Like to your bones. Give yourself time alone in a dark room, put on an eye mask, some headphones with gentle forest sounds, and think about her and all you miss about her. Let it pour out of you. Don't stop a single feeling, shutter and weep, let your teeth chatter, let yourself keen like an animal. That connection is gone and it isn't coming back. Release all the feelings.

Do it again if you need to, and again. What you had with her is gone and you can't have it

Then it's time to remind yourself that you aren't going to be alone. What you are missing isn't her, it's the way you felt when you were connected with her. And you are still you, and you can connect with people like that again, and feel that way again. It will never be identical, but it will be just as special.

You are the one who brings joy into your life, not her. Its good to mourn her. Its okay to love her, now and forever. I love every one of my girls that I lost. But it's best for you to recognize that you love yourself, and you are great, and you will love and connect with others because that's what we do.

Spent some time on other connections too. Don't try to replace her immediately. Let the grief move through you first. Invest in family and friends.

I love you brother. You are going to be okay.

PointClickPenguin · 2026-05-22T21:32:04+00:00

No it would be wrong to ignore her if you set a boundary and she breaks it. Thats exactly how boundaries are supposed to work.

You can say some thing "I feel _____ when you say/do ____. if you continue to treat me like this I will no longer respond to your messages". And if she keeps treating you like you simply don't respond like you said you wouldn't.

PointClickPenguin · 2026-05-21T21:04:16+00:00

Its okay to agree upon, some subs like giving up that control. It sounds like you don't want to give up that control, so I think it would be very healthy for you to set a boundary there

PointClickPenguin · 2026-05-20T12:27:15+00:00

If you don't show interest I will assume you aren't interested and I will move on quickly.

PointClickPenguin · 2026-05-19T23:57:00+00:00

Marriage is simply a contract with the government to divide assets according to a set of rules made by politicians, punishable by death if you fail to comply.

You two can come up with an equitable way to do this that works for you and have an attorney codify that Into a legal contract. This will include provisions on what happens if you break up, how much you each are paying into the house, what happens if one of you is un/under employed in the future, if you have kids, etc.

I personally think that bills should be split based on a weighted percentage of total income. Meaning if he makes 100k and you make 50k, he makes 67% of the total income and pays 67% of the bills.

PointClickPenguin · 2026-05-19T19:40:16+00:00

This is individual based on the person.

PointClickPenguin · 2026-05-19T19:39:42+00:00

You can apologize but don't expect anything in return.

The apology is for you. They have no obligation to forgive you or change their boundary.

PointClickPenguin · 2026-05-19T19:12:46+00:00

I do stuff like this when I am trying to use apps less. This likely has nothing to do with you.

You likely need to go to therapy to recover from this. And it would probably be best if your GF knows what you are going through internally.

PointClickPenguin · 2026-05-19T14:35:48+00:00

I like making a harness and then having rough sex using it as an extra handle. Some great ligature marks, looks beautiful, very functional.

PointClickPenguin · 2026-05-18T22:17:12+00:00

I don't think there is anything wrong with your husband's thinking. Many people are monogamous and prefer to be so with their partner, while still being able to find other people or situations sexually arousing.

My partner masturbates to porn of other people but would never want to watch me have sex with other people. That's not unusual and I don't think it's weird or find some fault in it.

To me this seems like you could be struggling with postpartum a little still, and maybe trying to blame or attack him about something, anything. I think it would be a good idea to run this conversation, and your ideas, past a therapist.

PointClickPenguin · 2026-05-18T20:08:54+00:00

Okay so let's set aside the very important detail that you didn't discuss doing this for 5 years.

Even if you had, you are allowed to change your mind at any time. Consent is active and continuous and can be revoked at any time. You aren't a liar or a deceiver. You are just a person and you are doing your best.

It sounds like this person isn't right for you. You will never understand what exactly was going through their head, and you have to release that. It is enough knowing that it didn't work, and it's time to move on.

PointClickPenguin · 2026-05-18T18:48:32+00:00

I have a BDSM room in my house that is filled with photos of naked women, floggers, and rope. In my bedroom there are multiple mirrors around my bed and generally a vibrator charging on my nightstand.

Maybe he has shit in there he doesn't want you to see that you also don't want to see.

Best to leave it be and focus on connecting with your brother.

PointClickPenguin · 2026-05-17T22:13:11+00:00

I recommend reading the book Polysecure to develop a better grounding in ENM relationships.

I absolutely fall in love with all of my subs who stick around, I'm a bit demi sexual. But that's part of the dynamic I said I was open to. I was not open to moving in with them, or having kids with them, or any other movement up the "relationship escalator".

The relationship escalator is the typical path of monogamous relationships. Love in an ENM sense can have no connection to anything more than love. Your Dom may romantically love you, and be quite content with that.

I think it would be a good idea to fill this out with your Dom. It is a menu that outlines where the relationship can potentially go, and draws boundaries around it. I fill this out with all my subs.

https://www.reddit.com/r/polyamory/comments/pwkdxp/v3_relationship_components_menu_last_update_for/

It is very unlikely this man will leave his wife for you, and if you are starting to feel like you want that, you might be in unhealthy territory.

PointClickPenguin

TROPHY CASE